first page from Fantasy Novel THE DARK KINGDOM

Post excerpts from your works in progress and give feedback to your fellow writers.
Post Reply
anamk
Posts: 10
Joined: November 19th, 2011, 1:59 pm
Contact:

first page from Fantasy Novel THE DARK KINGDOM

Post by anamk » November 26th, 2011, 11:56 am

thank you so much for helpful comments
Last edited by anamk on December 23rd, 2011, 2:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

writersink
Posts: 167
Joined: October 31st, 2011, 12:30 pm
Contact:

Re: first page from Fantasy Novel THE DARK KINGDOM

Post by writersink » December 1st, 2011, 1:36 pm

Is this a YA?

If you want to make it more dramatic (and I know this sounds like the most obvious piece of advice ever) SHOW don't TELL.

I don't think I would open with dialouge. I would start with a hook relating to how dangerous the city looks, and then I would zoom outwards. I think I'd like the relationship between Alexis and Old Namaro though!
With great horror and disgust Alexis stepped down on the ground.
Find a way to show Alexis is not liking this rather than simply telling me. As a reader I would be much more likely to read your novel if I was allowed to do some work too.
. Long dark shades were already evident on the grey sky which added to his fury.
Why would this add to his anger?
Naramo reminded while flashing his silver stick at the door before it opened and welcomed the familiar priest inside the holy ancient building which was made by the forefathers and was protected by the white magic of the silver sticks.

His trembling slim fingers reached inside the inner pocket of his long cloak searching for his stick; instead, Alexis found his messenger bird. Flapping its colourful small wings it freed itself from the darkness of the cloak and waited impatiently for a message to deliver.

Reluctantly, he tried again but all he could find were handwritten notes that said things like “Learn how to use silver sticks” and “How to be an organized priest.”

“Don’t stare at me, Evie.” Alexis noticed his messenger bird gazing at him.


I don't get what's happening here. =( Naramo is reaching into his cloak, yet Alexsis is pulling out a messenger bird????

I like the humour here and it does sound as though you're setting up for an interesting premise. Keep up the good work and good luck!

idanelly
Posts: 9
Joined: December 19th, 2011, 1:53 pm
Contact:

Re: first page from Fantasy Novel THE DARK KINGDOM

Post by idanelly » December 19th, 2011, 2:04 pm

I think you're trying to pack too much information in too quickly. One evidence of this is the overuse of adjectives. I'd cut down on them. At the beginning, indicate immediately who speaks. Like give him have an action before he says anything.Don't mix tenses as you do in the sentence containing "was helpful" and "will learn."give more of a reason for his horror and disgust, something readers can really identify with.Have him notice the bird staring before he speaks to it.

User avatar
GaoYuQing
Posts: 78
Joined: February 10th, 2011, 9:47 am
Contact:

Re: first page from Fantasy Novel THE DARK KINGDOM

Post by GaoYuQing » December 19th, 2011, 2:46 pm

I too agree that you're laying it on thick with the adjectives, and not only that, but in sheer words needed to describe the event. Dramatic and fast pacing goes better with more clipped sentences. If you show and don't tell, this will solve some of the issues. (I have the same problems, both in love for adjectives and telling)
But consider, which sounds more dramatic and flows better:
"With great horror and disgust Alexis stepped down on the ground."
"With disgust Alexis stepped to the ground."
Extreme cutting here while not changing your word choice to make contrast more apparent, but does it still convey your meaning while speeding up the pace? Is the "on the" needed? This is understood by your reader already and just slows things down. Distill things down more.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests