Two pages of ANNIE AND WILL

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johnh27
Posts: 14
Joined: June 13th, 2011, 11:09 am
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Two pages of ANNIE AND WILL

Post by johnh27 » November 21st, 2011, 6:04 pm

Would like some feedback on my prologue and first page. It's about a girl and her adopted brother falling in love. (Just posted query letter also.)

Thanks so much.

PROLOGUE
1947

“Well, Janet, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt that you are, as your mother would so delicately put it, in the family way,” Doc Supple softly proclaimed as he leaned back in his office chair and sent a cloud of Chesterfield smoke spiraling upwards toward the yellowed ceiling of his consultation office.
“You’re absolutely sure, Doctor Supple?” Janet Powers asked.
“Dear,” the portly, somewhat disheveled doctor said, sadly smiling, “the rabbit has died and I just had first hand verification of your condition a few minutes ago.”
“How far along . . .?” she asked in a whisper.
“Just about ten weeks.’
She looked down at her clenched hands, worriedly kneading a Kleenex, as a series of sobs overtook her.
Doc Supple stood up and came around his desk, putting his meaty hands on her quaking shoulders. “Janet, Janet . . . you are not the first girl this has happened to. We got you through Chicken Pox, Measles, and Mumps. We’ll get through this. We’ll get you through it.” He had delivered this child and he would be here for her now as well.
But Christ, he thought, this is gonna kill her parents.

Chapter 1
1958

The dying woman hugged her son closer to her as the train rattled on.
“Are you felling better, Momma?” the boy asked.
“A little, Will.”
“Are we almost there, Momma?”
“Almost,” she replied wearily. This was the third day of their trip and she was exhausted. Exhausted, but determined to do what needed to be done for her boy. She’d succeeded in putting just about everything in place that would be needed to give Will a chance at a good life. One more day, she thought. Two at the most. Then she could rest, knowing that her son would be taken care of.
Ah, gentle, peaceful rest. And it would be a long one. That, she knew.
Forty-five minutes later, the conductor walked through the car announcing, “Smithtown, last stop. Smithtown, last stop.”
They had made it. Smithtown. Her last stop.

priya g.
Posts: 109
Joined: September 26th, 2010, 2:10 pm
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Re: Two pages of ANNIE AND WILL

Post by priya g. » November 28th, 2011, 5:40 pm

johnh27 wrote:Would like some feedback on my prologue and first page. It's about a girl and her adopted brother falling in love. (Just posted query letter also.)

Thanks so much.

PROLOGUE
1947

“Well, Janet, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt that you are, as your mother would so delicately put it, in the family way,” Doc Supple softly proclaimed as he leaned back in his office chair and sent a cloud of Chesterfield smoke spiraling upwards toward the yellowed ceiling of his consultation office.
“You’re absolutely sure, Doctor Supple?” Janet Powers asked.
“Dear,” the portly, somewhat disheveled doctor said, sadly smiling, “the rabbit has died and I just had first hand verification of your condition a few minutes ago.”
“How far along . . .?” she asked in a whisper.
“Just about ten weeks.’
She looked down at her clenched hands, worriedly kneading a Kleenex, as a series of sobs overtook her.
Doc Supple stood up and came around his desk, putting his meaty hands on her quaking shoulders. “Janet, Janet . . . you are not the first girl this has happened to. We got you through Chicken Pox, Measles, and Mumps. We’ll get through this. We’ll get you through it.” He had delivered this child and he would be here for her now as well.
But Christ, he thought, this is gonna kill her parents. THERE IS A SUDDEN CHANGE OF TONE IN THE LAST SENTENCE- AND THOUGH IT IS CATCHY, IT DOESNT FIT WITH THE DOCTOR'S CHARACTER.

Chapter 1
1958

The dying woman hugged her son closer to her as the train rattled on.
“Are you felling better, Momma?” the boy asked.
“A little, Will.”
“Are we almost there, Momma?”
“Almost,” she replied wearily. This was the third day of their trip and she was exhausted. Exhausted, but determined to do what needed to be done for her boy. She’d succeeded in putting just about everything in place that would be needed to give Will a chance at a good life. One more day, she thought. Two at the most. Then she could rest, knowing that her son would be taken care of.
Ah, gentle, peaceful rest. And it would be a long one. That, she knew.
Forty-five minutes later, the conductor walked through the car announcing, “Smithtown, last stop. Smithtown, last stop.”
They had made it. Smithtown. Her last stop.
I love this! just that one comment- but other than that- it sounds awesome!

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