Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi

I am new here and was just hoping to get some feedback on a short story I have been working on. I have taken the story through some basic revision but it is still very raw. I would really appreciate any thoughts you may have. The full story can be found at the following like if you are interested.

http://crescentstar.blogspot.com/p/kram ... stmas.html

Thank you


A little girl watched the monster next door from a window and wondered. He was furry and clawed and had a hoof, not two! And he was barbecuing in the neighbors backyard! He would be scary with his horns but he sang off key, as the radio played Journey. Her Parents had said monsters weren't real, but here one was, grilling hamburgers.

She had watched the monster since her family moved next door; afraid at first, but curious each day a little more. He slept in a little dog house even though he was very big and stuck mostly out. The monster didn't make a mess and was nice to the dog. So the little girl wasn't concerned or astonished, but she knew something didn't seem right. He wasn't big foot or a yeti or even the Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. But he lived next door and none of her friends had a neighbor like him!.. maybe it?

The Monster was intent on his work and paid no attention to little eyes looking from the window. He just cooked and cooked, some for the dog and some for him but still more burgers than could have been et up by the two of them. While he watched the smoke trail away a dry and crumpled leaf fell from a mulberry tree nearby. This wouldn't have meant anything to anyone any other day. But mattered and the monster muttered and left the hotdogs still cooking, walking away.

What the little girl would see, if she could see, was the monster; in the garage, searching for boxes. Boxes of lights! Boxes of bells! Boxes of garland! All amongst the rafters loaded too high. And the monster, we will call him Krampus, as it was his name, worked with monstrous hands at a string of Christmas lights all wadded up tight.
You see this was no ordinary monster, if there is an ordinary kind, but a Christmas monster and it suited him just fine. Maybe he whipped the wicked and thought bad children were delicious to dine, but he kept the Christmas spirit as they did in olden time. He never knew a humbug or was without cheer; well at least during Christmas time of year.

Even though it was too early, Krampus worried he was late! Moving the calendar forward and circled the date. Many days and months, it was a long time away, but still Krampus worried and started working that very day. Did I say it was still summer, it was you see? There was still Canadian Thanksgiving and Halloween to go, Veterans Day an election, but Krampus thought about getting a tree.

Others would mark Fall, full of its own joy. And even Krampus would eat candy corn and mark the day of Krispy Kreme's coming out with pumpkin spice doughnuts, but Christmas was the matter on his mind. Lists to keep up with; lists of children to beat and children to eat. It was all very important to keep straight. Strand lights to be checked and recheck. Switches needed to be cut. One would be exhausted with worry if not starting very early.

Really sorry i didn't read the guild lines and just posted. I am sorry I am bumbling through this and my excitement got the better of me.

I love the idea of a monster at Christmas and the story is cute. I noticed that you're rhyming it - for a picture book, I guess? - but I really think this might come over better if you drop the rhyming. Krampus is such an interesting character! I have the feeling the rhyming has forced you to watch the wording too much. This has so much potential... too much to border it in like that. I've put in some corrections below, but obviously, these will totally ruin your rhythm and rhyme. So, you'll have to decide how you handle it.


A little girl watched the monster next door from a window and wondered. (the 'and wondered' seems a bit odd here. I'd drop it. He was furry and clawed and had a hoof, not two! drop the '!' And he was barbecuing in the neighbors backyard! here too '!' He would be scary with his horns but he sang off key, no comma as the radio played Journey. If this is for kids, they won't know what Journey is. Her Parents parnets had said monsters weren't real, but here one was, no commagrilling hamburgers.

She had watched the monster since her family moved next door; afraid at first, but curious each day a little more. He slept in a little dog house even though he was very big and stuck mostly out. I think this might come over better if you said which part of him always hung out - make it visual The monster didn't make a mess and was nice to the dog. 'nice' isn't enough - maybe he threw a sitck for the dog or something??? So the little girl wasn't concerned or astonished, but she knew something didn't seem right. He wasn't big foot or a yeti or even the Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. again, if this is for kids, Iron Maiden won't work But he lived next door and . None none of her friends had a neighbor like him!.. maybe it? odd. I'd drop the maybe it

The Monster was intent on his work and paid no attention to the little eyes looking from the window. He just cooked and cooked, some for the dog and some for him comma but still more burgers than could have been et eaten? up by the two of them. While he watched the smoke trail away comma a dry and crumpled leaf fell from a mulberry tree nearby. This wouldn't have meant anything to anyone any other day. But mattered and the monster , but mattered to the monster. He muttered and left the hotdogs still cooking, no comma 'and' walking away.

What the little girl would see, if she could see, was the monster; no colon in the garage, searching for boxes. Boxes of lights! Boxes of bells! Boxes of garland! All amongst the rafters loaded too high. And the monster, we will call him Krampus, as it was his name, seems a bit late to mention this. I'd definitely put this in earlier...near the beginning worked with monstrous hands at a string of Christmas lights all wadded up tight.

You lost me here a little bit. Before this was all about the girl watching him, but you continue with things the girl no longer can 'see'. Ahhh... okay I get it! The leaf tells him the end of fall is coming and now he's tight on time preparing for Christmas. This is going to have to be said a little more clearly after he finds the leaf. Maybe with something like.. 'He now knew his time was short'... or something to let the reader know whats going on.

You see this was no ordinary monster, if there is an ordinary kind, but a Christmas monster and it suited him just fine. Maybe he whipped the wicked and thought bad children were delicious to dine, but he kept the Christmas spirit as they did in olden time. He never knew a humbug or was without cheer; well at least during the Christmas time of year.

Even though it was too early, Krampus worried he was late! Moving He moved? the calendar forward and circled the date. Many days and months, it was a long time away, but still Krampus worried and started working that very day. Did I say it was still summer, ? it was you see? Here you can put a . or !There was still Canadian Thanksgiving and Halloween to go, onVeterans Day an election, but Krampus thought about getting a tree. maybe Christmas tree to keep it clear?

Others would mark Fall, full of its own joy. And even Krampus would eat candy corn and mark the day of Krispy Kreme's sorry, I don't know who or what that is... coming out with pumpkin spice doughnuts, but Christmas was the matter on his mind. Lists to keep up with; lists of children to beat and children to eat. This seems a bit odd, I thought he was cheery and nice at Christmas... or at least, you mentioned the girl knew she had no reason to fear, but if he's beating and eating kids, she should be afraid. It was all very important to keep straight. Strand lights to be checked and recheck. Switches needed to be cut. One would be exhausted with worry if not starting very early.[/quote]


Really, I like it. I still say drop the rhyming, but otherwise it's nice!
I hope I could be of some help.

Thank you I really appreciate your advice. My cousin also commented about the rhyming.

If I could ask you a questing. The rest of the story is full on rhyming, an excerpt follows, and is around twenty pages in length. Because of this I am hesitant to completely rewrite the story. That said I am not completely resistant I started rhyming to introduce humor to the story. Would you advise a full rewrite in prose?




In the season Krampus loved to bake the worst inedible ill flavored sort of fruity cakes; delivering them to neighbors’ doorsteps with a wild toss. Some shattered across the lawn, but Krampus wouldn't mourn their loss. Cake broken windows were none of the monsters concern, same as last Christmas they should have learned. The cakes were hard and really not for eating, just a friendly seasons greeting. Krampus didn't shell nuts just left them as a surprise, He also added hot wheels you should see the kiddies eyes. In January the dentist fixed many hurt teeth, he sometime sent Krampus a thank you wreath.

Krampus cooked cookies though they tasted of frogs, no one eat them not even local dogs. His pumpkin bread was great that he didn't share. We only knew of those from the delicious smell in the air. The monster always had Figgie Pudding boiling. A molten surprise dumped on carolers, flame broiling. Krampus baked in coins despite the cost, a choking hazard several lives were lost.

Then came the mincemeat flavored pie, though it wasn't meat and Krampus wondered why. The beast added tripe to make it true to name, the few who ate it wondered who was to blame. The pies were horrid terrible foul; left on doorsteps when the Beast did prowl. Once had added candied apples to a church bake sale, they were infested with worms, also stale. In the caramel glaze they looked fine, but after a few bites kiddies retched and whined. Krampus watched from afar laughing to himself har har har!

His neighborhood baking was the talk of the town, spoken in hushed whispers with a grim frown. Few knew Krampus the beast lurked; they thought the food from a prankster jerk. Krampus toiled with none knowing his work.

Only Idunn watched him bake, Krampus in a hair net for cleanness sake. The girl and monster chatted through the fence, Krampus making cookies full of mince. They shared some of his pumpkin cakes; it was the only tasty dish of all he makes. His monstrous paw patting her little head, Krampus gave her his famed pumpkin bread. Her parents love it too; Mother covered it in butter eating two. To other houses Krampus deliver swill, no one was brave enough to eat there fill. The monsters food wasn't enjoyed, another Christmas sorrow for the girls and boys.