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Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Adult: Romance)

Posted: August 29th, 2011, 7:18 am
by Departuregirl
Arthur can’t describe what it means to be in love. It seems absurd, somehow, to put it into words; he can’t channel sentiment into poetry. What does spring to his mind when people say love are odd fragments: long fingers draped across a green bedspread, brown hair curling around white fingers, green eyes laughing.

He thinks in colors.

*********

They meet when they’re seventeen, on opposite sides of a debate competition in a wide hall of expectant faces. Emery speaks and gesticulates with supreme confidence about the pen being mightier than the mouse, besting him, until Arthur goes in for the kill: case of a six year old who escaped from her kidnappers using a laptop. It’s not very relevant (it only shows the wonders of technology, not the superiority of the technology over the written word) but Arthur hopes that the case is moving and impactful enough that the judges won’t notice. Indeed, they don’t; by the time Arthur is done with reciting how Lila was handed back to her weeping parents, there’s a hushed silence in the hall and people are dabbing their eyes.

Emery flounders. There’s no way to make a hard hitting rebuttal to this that won’t make her seem heartless and cruel; she stumbles through a weak response. It falls flat, feeble, and Arthur allows himself to feel a twinge of sympathy before reminding himself that he’s in this to win.

He’s been told that a lot. You’re in this to win, Arthur. His father had first said it to him a rainy Saturday evening when he’d dragged a bored fifteen year old Arthur to play poker with his uncles. Arthur remembers the shuffle of the cards, the gleam in his dad’s eye. Arthur had won that game, and many more after that, and almost been driven to hit his head against the wall by the amount of times his father would use poker as a metaphor. ‘Life is the game, son. You’re not here to play. You’re here to win.’ Yes, Dad. If you could stop spouting movie lines, I’d play poker with you more often.

At the end of the debate a beaming judge pronounces Arthur and his team the brightest youngsters she’s seen in a while, and wishes the others ‘better luck’ next time. Arthur’s lips quirk up at the corners when he sees Emery huff in annoyance across the hall. She’s seated, legs crossed, on a lone chair a little apart from her team, looking down at her lap, and Arthur watches her. He notices the tendrils of black hair escaping from a hastily made bun, the green eyes flecked with grey. Long lashes rimming her cheek like a Japanese fan, one foot tapping the floor in a staccato rhythm, and suddenly he wants to know her.
It’s not difficult. Arthur hunts up someone who has her number, someone who belongs to their mutual network of seventeen year olds killing time in the same neighborhood. He isn’t nervous until the call goes to voicemail and he hears her answering phone message.

‘Leave a message.’ Curt. The beep sounds, and his mouth goes dry. What the hell does he say? But there’s a reason Arthur’s on the debate team. He thinks quickly.

‘Hey, have I reached Emery? I just wanted to say you kind of look like a Bond girl. Call me back, okay?’

He hangs up.

On reflection, he concludes it was probably his father’s influence that got him on the team.


***********
Hey guys, please let me know what you think. Stupid? Good? Terrible? Would you want to read more about Arthur and Emery? Even a line will do. Constructive criticism is welcomed. You have no idea what a difference it makes to a writer to get feedback.

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Young Adult: Romance)

Posted: August 29th, 2011, 4:28 pm
by LPVENDRELL
The short answer is yes. I would love to read more. If there is any more I would like to read it, please direct me to it. My favorite part was the description of his dad, and the bringing it back at the end. I laughed at that. The phrasing is wonderful, throughout.

My only concern is that it reads as an adult book, rather than a YA. Which isn't a bad thing, it just might be hard to market it.

One question: was, 'Yes, Dad. If you could stop spouting movie lines, I’d play poker with you more often.' supposed to be in italics? The voice shift from third to first is confusing otherwise.


**************

Thanks for your comments on my excerpt. They were helpful. If you want to read the whole first chapter, I have it posted at my blog for critique: http://neglectedrodent.blogspot.com/201 ... teddy.html

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Young Adult: Romance)

Posted: August 29th, 2011, 9:48 pm
by danielle100
Very nice imagery in the beginning and throughout. Your writing gets me hooked right away. I am interested in Arthur too. I don't think he is a static character and believe he'll be making some personal growth through the book. I like your title too. Very intriguing :P

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Young Adult: Romance)

Posted: August 29th, 2011, 10:41 pm
by MZ Pike
I enjoyed this as well. I agree that the tenses could stand to be cleaned up a bit to make it more distinguishable as to where the dialogue is and who is speaking between Arthur and his dad, in particular, but that only takes a few minutes to address. No harm, no foul. The use of the present tense did throw me off at first, though. That was a bold design decision.

Catchy title, nice characters, well done on the description. It almost reminds me of an artsy styled movie in terms of the way it's presented and how it's voiced. I wouldn't say the voice is too mature for YA; if we're to be honest, the YA phase is when characters are most likely to sound like that. You have your teens that sound pretty simple, and those that recently discovered the dictionary and want to show off and sound educated. So I personally liked that aspect of it. We don't see enough of that, I'd say.

Keep it up! :)

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Young Adult: Romance)

Posted: September 3rd, 2011, 11:57 am
by Departuregirl
MZ Pike wrote:I enjoyed this as well. I agree that the tenses could stand to be cleaned up a bit to make it more distinguishable as to where the dialogue is and who is speaking between Arthur and his dad, in particular, but that only takes a few minutes to address. No harm, no foul. The use of the present tense did throw me off at first, though. That was a bold design decision.

Catchy title, nice characters, well done on the description. It almost reminds me of an artsy styled movie in terms of the way it's presented and how it's voiced. I wouldn't say the voice is too mature for YA; if we're to be honest, the YA phase is when characters are most likely to sound like that. You have your teens that sound pretty simple, and those that recently discovered the dictionary and want to show off and sound educated. So I personally liked that aspect of it. We don't see enough of that, I'd say.

Keep it up! :)
Thank you so much for giving me feedback. I have edited the tenses. Much love for your wonderful comments <3

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Young Adult: Romance)

Posted: September 3rd, 2011, 11:57 am
by Departuregirl
danielle100 wrote:Very nice imagery in the beginning and throughout. Your writing gets me hooked right away. I am interested in Arthur too. I don't think he is a static character and believe he'll be making some personal growth through the book. I like your title too. Very intriguing :P
Thank you for taking time out for this! Your comments made my day, thanks a million :)

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Young Adult: Romance)

Posted: September 3rd, 2011, 11:59 am
by Departuregirl
LPVENDRELL wrote:The short answer is yes. I would love to read more. If there is any more I would like to read it, please direct me to it. My favorite part was the description of his dad, and the bringing it back at the end. I laughed at that. The phrasing is wonderful, throughout.

My only concern is that it reads as an adult book, rather than a YA. Which isn't a bad thing, it just might be hard to market it.

One question: was, 'Yes, Dad. If you could stop spouting movie lines, I’d play poker with you more often.' supposed to be in italics? The voice shift from third to first is confusing otherwise.


**************

Thanks for your comments on my excerpt. They were helpful. If you want to read the whole first chapter, I have it posted at my blog for critique: http://neglectedrodent.blogspot.com/201 ... teddy.html
Thank you so much for commenting on this. You made a very valid point about it being an adult book, I realized that what I picture is more of a flashback from an adult viewpoint than a teen's life lived in the present...if that makes sense.
Yes, I forget to italicize when posting. Have corrected it.
Thanks again :)

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Adult: Romance)

Posted: September 15th, 2011, 1:03 am
by GingerWrite
I was a little confused by the first paragraph because of the jump from his thoughts to talking about a court case. But I absolutely loved the last line. Humorous self deprecation can be funny when well executed, which is was.
I'd like to read more about Emery and Arthur!

Re: Our conversations start at 4 a.m. (Adult: Romance)

Posted: September 30th, 2011, 6:10 pm
by Chantelle.S.
This is just my personal opinion, but I felt like I was reading the summary of chapter one rather than actually reading chapter one itself. Does that make sense? I don't really know how else to explain what I mean.
And yes, I would be interested in reading more and getting to know the characters.

LOVE the title. :)