YA Paranormal Romance WIP

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Chantelle.S.
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Joined: April 5th, 2011, 7:22 pm
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YA Paranormal Romance WIP

Post by Chantelle.S. » June 20th, 2011, 7:53 pm

Hi! :oops:
This is a scene I wrote a while back for my PR young adult series. I've gone over it a couple of times but I'm sure there's plenty of room for improvement. This is also the first time I'm sharing anything regarding this series with anyone since the thought of submitting it for publishing didn't occur to me until recently. It's not necessarily the start of the novel, per say, but I do think it's better than the mindless garb I've written before so I'd like to polish it up and shift it into the story somewhere.
...that might not make much sense to anyone. I'll explain: I write scene by scene in a non-chronological way.
Any constructive criticism will be appreciated!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Joe.”

His steel blue eyes lifted to her face. The rhythm of her heart changed, as it always did when he looked at her. One beat chased the next, her stomach dropped away, and her head floated to the heavens – and all the while there was her conscience shrieking like a banshee. A cacophony of sheer terror.

“Please... don’t do this. ” Her voice quivered. Her nerves twitched. “I can’t do this again. Joe...please.”

Something flickered across his aristocratic features, and his golden eyebrows pulled together in a soft frown. “Nixie, you ran away from me. I have spent the past three years trying to find you. This is not something I can simply put behind me –”

“Yes! Yes, it is, Joe. I’ve moved on. I have a life. I’m happy where I am right now. Why can’t you just accept that you and I... it’s just not meant to be,” Nixie said, casting an anxious glance at his brother.

“If I can go back in time, I can do things differently. I can make you happy, Nixie.”

She drew a deep breath, and her voice came out hard. “No. What is done is done. There are no second chances, not anymore.”

A sliver of ice slid into his gaze. A vein against his temple twitched. Joe Firestone had always been sinfully beautiful; taller than the average guy, with wide soulful eyes that could melt your heart or freeze your mind, hair as dazzling as freshly fallen snow, and lips sculpted to seduce the holiest of saints. But when his temper flared, and his eyes scorched her with the fire of his will, his beauty was terrifying.

Joe licked his lips and advanced a step toward her. “What are you saying, Nixie?”

“I’ve graduated college. I bought my first car a year ago, I’m an intern at the local newspaper, I’m saving up to go back home and visit my family for Christmas. I’m happy where I am, I don’t want to lose it all again because of you.”

-
"Description begins in the writer’s imagination, but should finish in the reader’s." -Stephen King

http://smithee24.blogspot.com/
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1570694/Clairavance

corriegarrett
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Joined: February 28th, 2010, 7:49 pm
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Re: YA Paranormal Romance WIP

Post by corriegarrett » June 20th, 2011, 10:41 pm

I tend to write non-chronologically too, so I think I know where you're coming from. :-) Overall I think this is a good romantic scene, lots of smoldering detail and tension. I think it might be improved by some tense changes, and maybe picking some of your details a little more carefully, mostly avoiding ones that can sound cliche.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Joe.”

His steel blue eyes lifted to her face. I don't know if 'steel blue' qualifies as a cliche, but I feel like I've seen it a lot. Maybe have her compare them to something in her world. Ink at the newspaper office, or her favorite sweater... The rhythm of her heart changed, as it always did when he looked at her. One beat chased the next, her stomach dropped away, and her head floated to the heavens – and all the while there was her conscience shrieking like a banshee. This is where a tense change could help. Almost anytime you have a verb like "was shrieking" or "there was shrieking," you can change it to "shrieked" (simple past) and make the sentence punchier. So "All the while her conscience shrieked like a banshee. A cacophony of sheer terror.

“Please... don’t do this. ” Her voice quivered. Her nerves twitched.This is a tiny bit cliche too, with quivering voice and twitching nerves. Maybe try to think of something more unique she could do... bite her tongue, fiddle with the magic rabbit's paw in her pocket... or something that's really HER. “I can’t do this again. Joe...please.”

Something flickered across his aristocratic features, and his golden eyebrows pulled together in a soft frown. I like that description! “Nixie, you ran away from me. Ihave spent the past three years trying to find you. This is not something I can't simply put youbehind me –”

“Yes! Yes, you can, Joe. I’ve moved on. I have a life. I’m happy where I am right now. Why can’t you just accept that you and I... it’s just not meant to be,” Nixie said, casting an anxious glance at his brother.

“If I can go back in time, I can do things differently. I can make you happy, Nixie.” Is this a time travel story? I love those! Excellent threat/promise here.

She drew a deep breath, and her voice came out hard. “No. What is done is done. There are no second chances, not anymore.” I like that too.

A sliver of ice slid into his gaze. A vein against his temple twitched. Joe Firestone had always been sinfully beautiful; taller than the average guy, with wide soulful eyes that could melt your heart or freeze your mind, hair as dazzling as freshly fallen snow, and lips sculpted to seduce the holiest of saints. But when his temper flared, and his eyes scorched her with the fire of his will, his beauty was terrifying. This is a place where "was terrifying" works fine. So my rule obviously has exceptions! :-)

Joe licked his lips and advanced a step toward her. “What are you saying, Nixie?”

“I’ve graduated college. I bought my first car a year ago, I’m an intern at the local newspaper, I’m saving up to go back home and visit my family for Christmas. I’m happy where I am, I don’t want to lose it all again because of you.”

-[/quote]

Very promising scene! I hope you find the right spot for it

Chantelle.S.
Posts: 76
Joined: April 5th, 2011, 7:22 pm
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Re: YA Paranormal Romance WIP

Post by Chantelle.S. » June 21st, 2011, 4:01 pm

Thank you so much for your help! :D
I have a better idea what to watch out for with my other scenes now.
And thank you for the praise, too. :oops:
"Description begins in the writer’s imagination, but should finish in the reader’s." -Stephen King

http://smithee24.blogspot.com/
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1570694/Clairavance

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