first pages of new book
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 11:52 am
hey everyone, i just wanted to post the two pages of my book for feedback. thanks so much! title: the devil's touch. genre: not sure about that, historical fiction or autobiographical novel, it's based on the life and murder of my sister from her point of view and my point of view on her life. I re-did the beginning, let me know what everyone thinks.
Rebecca looked down at the paper in front of her. Her eyes lazily drifted across the table trying to bring the words on the paper into focus. It was no use her eyes didn‘t want to cooperate with trying to read right now. “I don’t want to be standing up let alone writing” she thought as her stomach heaved and lurched.
Fred had dragged her into the kitchen and insisted that she write something. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a glint of black and was momentarily distracted when she saw the outline of a gun lying on the kitchen table. “Why would the gun be out?” Her mind contemplated the thought for a second. She pushed the thought away because it was not unusual for the gun to be out. Fred always had it out, waving it around going on about how he needed it to protect himself and his family. Dragging it out of the safe to show people he was the man and intimidate anyone he thought was in his way. She laughed to herself over his macho behavior. Fred tried to be the alpha dog and puff his chest out so he looked bigger. All he needed to do now was bang his fists on his chest like an ape to complete his barbarian, chauvinistic personality. She really did love him in spite of his foolish ways.
What was it now that Fred had told her to write as the task at hand came into the forefront of her mind again. As she scribbled the one line on the paper in front of her, her eyes tried to focus on the words she just wrote. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t remember the words she had just written. Her mind was really slipping today; she would take a long break from partying after tonight. The paper swam in front of her eyes making it hard to control the heave that was struggling to come up from her stomach.
She felt so tired even though she had only had four drinks. She shouldn’t be this tired especially since she also did two lines of coke. She knew she shouldn’t have, told herself this was the absolute last time she did coke. But she and Fred had been having a good time and he promised this was last time he would bring it in the house. Told her he knew she wanted to stop, told her she was stronger than him. He had even said he would go to rehab; he just wanted one last night of fun with her. They hadn’t been getting along for some time now and Rebecca liked that he was at least trying to clean himself up now so she lovingly obliged and snorted a couple lines of white powder with him. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, after all he was going to go to rehab and that was a huge step for Fred.
She couldn’t believe that five hours ago she came home prepared to pack up all her things and take them to her parent’s house tonight. She hadn’t expected the warm reception she had been given when she arrived home from work. Fred had lavished attention on her and said everything she wanted to hear. It was like he was the old Fred again and she still loved him deeply. She knew he had problems but she had faith in him. She stood before God and had said, “In good times and in bad, sickness and in health, till death do us part.” and she had meant it. She knew his addiction was a disease and as a nurse who better to take care of him and see him through this than her. She was sure she could make him better. Maybe he would change, maybe this time it would really be different. She had to at least sit down with him and talk, she owed her marriage that much.
It was nice to just relax and have a good time with him. Even so, she shouldn’t be this tired and she could not explain why she felt such a strong urge to just lie down and go to sleep. Her head was swimming and not just her eyes now. She was having trouble standing and remembering why she came into the kitchen in the first place. It definitely was not to get another drink.
thanks for any help in critiqueing, all the suggestions are really helpful!!
Rebecca looked down at the paper in front of her. Her eyes lazily drifted across the table trying to bring the words on the paper into focus. It was no use her eyes didn‘t want to cooperate with trying to read right now. “I don’t want to be standing up let alone writing” she thought as her stomach heaved and lurched.
Fred had dragged her into the kitchen and insisted that she write something. Out of the corner of her eye she caught a glint of black and was momentarily distracted when she saw the outline of a gun lying on the kitchen table. “Why would the gun be out?” Her mind contemplated the thought for a second. She pushed the thought away because it was not unusual for the gun to be out. Fred always had it out, waving it around going on about how he needed it to protect himself and his family. Dragging it out of the safe to show people he was the man and intimidate anyone he thought was in his way. She laughed to herself over his macho behavior. Fred tried to be the alpha dog and puff his chest out so he looked bigger. All he needed to do now was bang his fists on his chest like an ape to complete his barbarian, chauvinistic personality. She really did love him in spite of his foolish ways.
What was it now that Fred had told her to write as the task at hand came into the forefront of her mind again. As she scribbled the one line on the paper in front of her, her eyes tried to focus on the words she just wrote. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t remember the words she had just written. Her mind was really slipping today; she would take a long break from partying after tonight. The paper swam in front of her eyes making it hard to control the heave that was struggling to come up from her stomach.
She felt so tired even though she had only had four drinks. She shouldn’t be this tired especially since she also did two lines of coke. She knew she shouldn’t have, told herself this was the absolute last time she did coke. But she and Fred had been having a good time and he promised this was last time he would bring it in the house. Told her he knew she wanted to stop, told her she was stronger than him. He had even said he would go to rehab; he just wanted one last night of fun with her. They hadn’t been getting along for some time now and Rebecca liked that he was at least trying to clean himself up now so she lovingly obliged and snorted a couple lines of white powder with him. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, after all he was going to go to rehab and that was a huge step for Fred.
She couldn’t believe that five hours ago she came home prepared to pack up all her things and take them to her parent’s house tonight. She hadn’t expected the warm reception she had been given when she arrived home from work. Fred had lavished attention on her and said everything she wanted to hear. It was like he was the old Fred again and she still loved him deeply. She knew he had problems but she had faith in him. She stood before God and had said, “In good times and in bad, sickness and in health, till death do us part.” and she had meant it. She knew his addiction was a disease and as a nurse who better to take care of him and see him through this than her. She was sure she could make him better. Maybe he would change, maybe this time it would really be different. She had to at least sit down with him and talk, she owed her marriage that much.
It was nice to just relax and have a good time with him. Even so, she shouldn’t be this tired and she could not explain why she felt such a strong urge to just lie down and go to sleep. Her head was swimming and not just her eyes now. She was having trouble standing and remembering why she came into the kitchen in the first place. It definitely was not to get another drink.
thanks for any help in critiqueing, all the suggestions are really helpful!!