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Existential Fiction - Loose Ideas!

Posted: May 1st, 2011, 4:13 pm
by Fcpremix17
Hey, I'm really quite apprehensive towards this, as i do not know if it really belongs here. It's my first real attempt at writing something like this and it's more of an experimental 'stream-of-consciousness' type thing! Literally any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as i've exhausted a few avenues on the internet and caqme up with nothing so far!


We separated unto the dusty trail. Separated from each other and potentially separated from past, present and future. The place we are supposed to be going to gives little regard for the trivial hands of a clock. It has been said that this destination, this vision, this piece of complete absolution should be the culmination of everything great you have ever done. But what if this “culmination” is little more than a few instances of decent human spirit; teased, taunted and contaminated with reams and reams of evil, malice and spite? What if this ultimate destination was nothing more than an abstract vision that could never be metamorphosed into something physical, something unconditionally absolute? This…this is my fear. But when the word fear is used, it often relates to the element of the unknown that is to be dealt with. The place I am going cannot be feared, for I known exactly what I am doing. The dusty trail, I should have welcomed; yet there was an underwhelming lurch inside my stomach that I could not shirk off. We, indeed, were separating. As they ascended the speckled dusty trail of light particles, I remained stationary. I knew my fate. I was to wallow in the mortal realm of Earth for my lifelong pursuit of all things “dark”. I was not even granted the pleasure of being put to ease.

Hell, I could deal with. And if by some how I cheated myself into Heaven; of course I could settle. But I simply was not going anywhere, which is the issue here; they knew their destiny and I was forgotten by God. Maybe he did not love me. Maybe I did not love him. Either way, it seems there’s no cheating Faith, despite my greatest efforts. Short cuts here, deception there and not one jot of remorse. And, even now, as I struggle to gain some sort of status back, I probably do not even regret it now, even if I have been forgotten. Maybe I forgot me. Maybe I lost my true identity and that’s the problem. Or the problem there is no problem. The idea of a singular identity is overrated, anyway. We’re all looking for something to copy. Daily life, on repeat. Over and over and over. Again. Repeat. Boring.

We are boring and God has forsaken us for a legitimate reason. Think back to the 7 year old child you once might have been, if correctly manufactured. Bored of the toy; throw it away. Bored of your food; throw it away. Throw it away…away…away. Again. Repeat. We are boring but far too stubborn to understand. What would you do if you were in His shoes? You’d replace and look for something better. Get better with God; the new self improvement plan. Get Fucked. We are not just boring. We are despised. I am the model of God and I have been forgotten, so why are these words even being processed in brains across the land? If I’m a microcosm of God’s kingdom and I fucked up, then perhaps he fucked up an awful long time ago. No control over free will? That’s just the laws changing, and God telling us that we are nothing more than a waste of resources. God and His infinite wisdom, never contemplated the idea we might not care for His plan; so do us a favour and leave us to stew in our mess. We can’t be helped, we can’t be saved.

Re: Existential Fiction - Loose Ideas!

Posted: May 11th, 2011, 10:22 pm
by Emily J
Fcpremix17 wrote:Hey, I'm really quite apprehensive towards this, as i do not know if it really belongs here. It's my first real attempt at writing something like this and it's more of an experimental 'stream-of-consciousness' type thing! Literally any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as i've exhausted a few avenues on the internet and caqme up with nothing so far!


We separated unto onto? the dusty trail. Separated from each other and potentially separated from past, present serial comma here and future. The place we are supposed to be going to gives little regard for the trivial hands of a clock seems like a wordy way to say "time" . It has been said that this destination, this vision, this piece of complete absolution sometimes less is more, maybe pick one perfect way of saying something instead of reiterating it three different ways should be the culmination of everything great you who is the you here? i am assuming this is a deliberate indefinite, or are you addressing the reader? have ever done. But what if this “culmination” is little more than a few instances of decent human spirit; <-- i don't think this semi-colon is grammatically correct teased, taunted and contaminated with reams and reams of evil, malice and spite? What if this ultimate destination was nothing more than an abstract vision that could never be metamorphosed into something physical, something unconditionally absolute? This…this is my fear. But when the word fear is used, it often relates to the element of the unknown what purpose does "element" serve in this sentence? could you simplify? that is to be dealt with. The place I am going cannot be feared, for I known know exactly what I am doing. The dusty trail, I should have welcomed; yet there was an underwhelming lurch inside my stomach that I could not shirk off had problems with this analogy, I might be able to follow a "lurch" in a stomach, but it doesn't seem the sort of thing that could be shirked, . We, indeed, indeed is a bit awkward were separating. As they ascended the speckled dusty trail of light particles, I remained stationary. I knew my fate. I was to wallow in the mortal realm of Earth for my lifelong pursuit of all things “dark”. <-- i would suggest the period inside the quotation marks I was not even granted the pleasure of being put to ease.

Hell, I could deal with. And if by cut "by" here some how I cheated myself into Heaven; of course I could settle. But I simply was not going anywhere, which is the issue here; they knew their destiny and I was forgotten by God. Maybe he who God? maybe He then? did not love me. Maybe I did not love him again if God I might suggest Him, may depend upon which god though... . Either way, it seems there’s no cheating Faith, despite my greatest efforts. Short cuts here, deception there serial comma and not one jot of remorse. <-- not a complete sentence And, even now, as I struggle to gain some sort of status back, I probably do not even regret it now, even if I have been forgotten. Maybe I forgot me. Maybe I lost my true identity and that’s the problem. Or the problem is? there is no problem. The idea of a singular identity is overrated, anyway. We’re all looking for something to copy. Daily life, on repeat. Over and over and over. Again. Repeat. Boring.

We are boring and God has forsaken us for a legitimate reason. Think back to the 7 year old seven-year-old child you once might have been, if correctly manufactured. Bored of the toy; throw it away. Bored of your food; throw it away. Throw it away…away…away. Again. Repeat. We are boring but far too stubborn to understand. What would you do if you were in His ah, this I get is referring to God, maybe those other hims were some other dude? not sure shoes? You’d replace feels like a noun is missing and look for something better. Get better with God; the new self hyphen improvement plan. Get Fucked. We are not just boring. <- would combine sentences -> We are despised. I am the model of God <-- not following this and I have been forgotten, so why are these words even being processed in brains across the land? hmm? overt breaking 4th wall type thing here? If I’m a microcosm of God’s kingdom and I fucked up, then perhaps he fucked up an awful long time ago. No control over free will? That’s just the laws changing, and God telling us that we are nothing more than a waste of resources. God and His infinite wisdom, never contemplated the idea we might not care for His plan; so do us a favour and leave us to stew in our mess. We can’t be helped, we can’t be saved.
So I looked through this quickly and made a few edits with regards to grammar. Not sure if that is really what you are looking for or not. I'm not sure what your end goal is for this piece, are you looking to get something published or just improve your writing? Again, not sure what type of feedback you are looking for.

With regards to the writing itself, I think it suffered a bit from generalities. Especially at the beginning it felt a bit too vague, multiple cases of indefinite pronouns. It may be for effect, but I find it somewhat distracting. I also struggled a bit with some of the analogies. I understand writing to work through things, emotionally, philosophically, I often engage in free association and poetry myself. That's what this felt like to me, as I was reading it.

Not sure if that was at all helpful. Maybe you will get some more feedback.