YA Romantic SF; *Revised 5/24*

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chvyg80
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YA Romantic SF; *Revised 5/24*

Post by chvyg80 » April 25th, 2011, 4:13 pm

I added back my beginning, but changed some of the dialogue. I think it's feels more natural although there is one piece that bother's me. If anyone mentions it, I'll change it. Thanks ahead, and here it goes...



The sound of the shutters crashing against my window startled me out of my nap. The wind was howling and the little winter snow storm all of the forecasters predicted had turned into a blizzard. Not that getting a blizzard was unusual for Northern Montana but sometimes I wished it would just snow. I could do without the winds blowing the snow side-ways and wreaking havoc on anything that crossed its path.

It had been snowing most the day but it didn’t get bad until after we’d gotten home from school. If it didn’t stop soon, they would definitely cancel school the next day. My sister Annie and I went to school together even though she was only in the eighth grade. Slated to graduate high school this year at the top of my class, I was senior class president and voted most likely to succeed. It was a nice legacy to leave behind for Annie.

I’d just started doing my homework before falling asleep. If it weren’t for the shutters crashing into the house, I would’ve slept through dinner. It was only 5:30, still early enough I hadn’t missed it. I heard a faint knock on my door.

“Haleigh, sweetie you up?” Mom’s voice could be so soothing and she peeked in my bedroom door.

“Yeah I’m up.” I sat my books down and looked up in time to see her walk through.

“Dad asked if you were able to feed the horses before the weather broke.” She spoke softly and her forehead wrinkled with concern; the horses were in for a long, cold night.

Suddenly there was a loud snap followed by an earsplitting thump. In reaction, we both jumped and looked toward the window. I wondered if those useless shutters were falling apart and thought about the horses again.

“Yes ma’am, I also put them in the stables. Is dinner ready?” I stood up and walked across the room to get a better look at the damage the storm was creating. Just as I suspected, the shutter had fallen off.

“I was just finishing up now, if you’d like to come down and help...” Her voice trailed off and she stopped short of her invitation. She knew that cooking was one of the rare things I didn’t enjoy doing.

“I’ll be down in a minute.” I turned and looked back at her. Her emerald-green eyes were full of amusement and she smiled at me warmly. I really didn’t want to help her with dinner so I changed the subject.

“Have you looked outside? It's pretty bad out there.” I recently discovered photography and thought about grabbing my camera. Even though visibility was limited, it could make for some interesting photos.

“Yeah, that’s what your dad said.” She stated making her way back to the door, “Can you at least set the table for me?” She called back over her shoulder and left.

“Okay,” I mumbled not sure if she heard me.
I stayed in my room a while longer staring out the window and wondered how much longer it was going to snow.

Three days later Annie and I were out front trying to clean up some of the mess from the storm. Though the sun was out, there was still a chill in the air. Seeing the sun shine bright made me long for spring and I imagined sitting on the porch watching the horses graze.
It was Sunday, the third and final day of the 3-day weekend we’d gotten from school, and we spent most of it cleaning.

“Man, I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow," Annie griped.

Just like me, my little sister had started going stir-crazy. Can you imagine, staying cooped up inside the house all day? We had nothing better to do but play board games and it sucked. Why did that stupid blizzard have to knock out our satellite dish? At least our parents got a kick out of it. They used it as the perfect excuse to have family time; Ugh.

“Quit complaining and hold this steady for me,” I smiled understanding her completely. It wasn’t that we liked school so much; we were both missing our friends.

“Come on Haleigh, you know what I mean. Like seriously, how many times can I let you beat me at monopoly?” She winked.
I smirked thinking there was no way she believed she was letting me win.

“Sure you let me beat you, fat chance on that,” maybe next time I’ll let her win.

We were just starting to put the outdoor furniture back into place when we heard a car coming toward our house. Neither one of us was expecting company, so we stopped working and watched as it made its way slowly up the driveway. Since I didn’t recognize the car, my first thought was it had to be someone needing directions.

The car stopped at the edge of our yard. The engine cut off immediately, which wasn’t soon enough. The fumes that came from the exhaust were more than my nose could handle. I reflexively held my breath and thought, ‘what kind of person drives an old Camaro in the middle of winter?’

Looking at Annie I could see that the stench had gotten to her as well. Her face scrunched into a frown and she glared at it impatiently. I started to make a joke, but its driver got out and caught me by surprise, completely interrupting my thought.

He was gorgeous. I don’t mean boy next door gorgeous. He was ‘what and the hell are you doing in northern Montana instead of LA modeling?’ gorgeous. He had beautiful hazel eyes and wavy light brown hair, just long enough to touch the nape of his neck. He was tall and slender with a tan that made me wonder where he was from originally. No way had he been in Montana long.

He walked over to us smiling, showing his perfectly aligned white teeth. After realizing I was gawking at him like a tween does their favorite pop star, I straightened my face and started breathing again. I hoped it would slow my heart because it felt like it was trying to break out of my chest.

"Good afternoon ladies, looks like y’all can use a hand." His southern accent in combination with the smooth tone in his voice left me dumbfounded.

“Hi,” I replied not wanting to seem rude. My voice came out sounding more timid than I desired.

He walked over to Annie and helped her put the table back in place. He looked at me and smiled warmly. I blushed, but I’m sure Annie hadn’t noticed.
"Here let me help get that for you." He smirked at Annie arrogantly and something about the way he was so sure of himself rubbed her wrong and she snapped at him.

"We don’t need any help," she shouted, glaring at him angrily. Her mood swings could be erratic.

The mysterious boy’s strong angular face went rigid for a moment as he tipped his cowboy hat toward us, "I apologize if I offended y’all, but your aunt Charlene mentioned to my dad that y’all could use a hand,” he flashed us a brilliant smile again. “But apparently she was wrong, so I’ll just be on my way.” Charlene, that’s who put him up to this. Well a courtesy call would’ve been nice.

“Well thanks, but no thanks.” Annie stared at him even harder. Her dark brown eyes pierced into his. Still feeling overwhelmed by his beauty, I stood there speechless. Annie crossed her arms and stood defensively, like she was waiting for him to leave.
My dad had been out back when he heard our visitor pull up. When he came around the house anger twisted his face. I wondered why he was so upset.

“Who are you and why are you out here harassing my daughters?” Dad scowled.

“I’m sorry sir. I didn’t mean to alarm anyone, but Charlene told my father that y’all could use a hand.” He held his hands out apologetically, sticking to the same story he’d told Annie and me. Aunt Charlene was definitely behind his sudden emergence.

As our uninvited mystery guest started backing away, Dad gave him a stern look. And if he wanted to, my dad could be pretty intimidating.
“But I see y’all have everything under control. I was just about to leave.”

“Son, I think that maybe a good idea.”

“Well I’m sorry I disturbed y’all. Enjoy the rest of your day." He seemed surprise by my dad and Annie’s reaction.
I watched as he walked back to his car, and could feel my brain start back up. Almost like someone had flipped a light-switch on. Why couldn’t it kick back on when he was still standing there? Maybe I could’ve prevented Dad and Annie from running him off.

After he started his car, he looked at me again and smiled sheepishly. Something in his eyes made me think that he was expecting something more from me; almost like I should’ve intervened when Dad and Annie made him leave. But I didn’t; I wimped out, even though I wanted to say something.

“What was that about? Haleigh do you know that kid?” Dad asked.

“No, I’ve never seen him before,” but he was kind of cute; I thought to myself.

"Well he seems like a jerk!" Annie scoured.
She started gathering brush and piling it on the side of the house. I chuckled to myself, amused by the way they’d responded to our unexpected visitor.

"Yeah, he did seem to have some sort of chip on his shoulder, didn't he? But did you have to be so rude?" I hoped they hadn’t noticed how attractive I found him.

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes at me. At least she hadn’t noticed.


I have an intro I edited as well, about 300 words. I was going to post it but thought it may be too long. This is the beginning of chapter one. I think this reads better, but could still possibly use more dialogue, but I worry about my wordiness.
Last edited by chvyg80 on May 24th, 2011, 7:40 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: YA Romantic SF; two different versions need opinions

Post by AllieS » April 26th, 2011, 6:14 am

Since you said you were worried about losing the voice, I just went straight to the revised beginning and read to see if I liked the voice there. Otherwise, I'd have the other voice stuck in my head the whole time.

The sound of the shutter’s Is there really only one shutter? If not, the apostrophe is misplaced. crashing against my window woke me. The wind was howling and the little winter snow storm I think this is one word. all of the forecaster’s Okay, so this is probably the second instance of a misplaced apostrophe in the span of three sentences. I'm worried it occurs throughout the entire novel. I'd go to some agent blogs to brush up on writing basics. predicted had turned into a blizzard. Not that getting Omit. Don't need it. a blizzard was unusual for us here in Northern Montana, but sometimes I wished it would just snow Good voice. I could do without the winds blowing the snow side-ways, and wreaking havoc to on anything that crossed its path.

It had been snowing most the day, but it didn’t get bad until after we’d gotten home from school. My sister Annie and I went to school together, even though she was only in the eighth grade. I was slated to graduate high school this year at the top of my class. ‘Haleigh Benson’ senior class president, voted most likely to succeed; Misused. Should be a colon. a nice legacy to leave behind.

I’d just started doing my homework, Misused. before getting Passive voice. Could make this whole part more active. overcome with sleep. If it weren’t for the shutter’s crashing onto the outer walls of the house, I would’ve slept through dinner. It was only 5:30, still early enough, I hadn’t missed it. A knock on my door startled me as I began to make plans for what I knew was going to be a long weekend.

“Haleigh, sweetie you up?” Mom’s voice could be so soothing.

“Yes Mom, you can come in.” I sat my books down and looked toward the door just in time to see her walk through.

“Your dad wanted me to ask if you were able to feed the horses before the weather broke.” Her face was full of concern for the horses; they were in for a long cold night.

“Yes ma’am. I also put them in the stables. Is dinner ready?” I stood and crossed my room to get a better look out of the window.

“I was just finishing up now, if you’d like to come down and help...” Her voice trailed off and she smiled knowing I think you mean knowingly. Also, the following comma should either be a colon or a period., cooking was one of the rare things I didn’t enjoy.

“I’ll be down in a bit. Have you looked outside? It’s bad, I think there’s gonna be damage with this one” I turned to look at her, and thought about grabbing my camera. Even though visibility was limited, it could still make for some interesting photos. Maybe comment on how she loves photography or something. I like the voice in little comments following the dialogue, but the actual dialogue is very stale.

“Yeah, that’s what your father said but I hope you’re wrong.” She left my room to finish dinner, but I stayed a while longer staring out the window, wondering how much longer it was going to snow.

A few days later it was unseasonably warm making it almost bearable to work outdoors where my sister Annie and I were trying to clean up some of the mess the storm had caused. I'm very confused about what day is what. You seem to start that first paragraph in the present, then skip back a day to all of the dialogue, then now you're jumping forward a couple days. This early in the story, I'd try to stick with a more linear time flow. I'd probably cut out that whole first paragraph, since you don't ever go back to it. Also, this line is very long. Try cutting it down. I don’t think there was a building spared; like Mother Nature had said, "Hmm I wonder how much damage I can do with this one?"

Our raised- ranch house, painted white with blues shutters received the brunt of the damage. The shutters had no use for us against the winds. One of them ended up on the porch, leaning up against the side of the house; I never understood the point of having decorative shutters.

The beautiful sun made me long for the spring and I could sit on the porch and watch the horses graze in the fields. They were important to our way of life, even more important than the house. Dad had to fix the fence that contained them.

It was Sunday, the third and final day of the 3-day weekend we’d gotten from school, and we spent most of the day cleaning. It was amazing how the weather could go from strong winds and heavy snow on Thursday, to what was turning out to be a beautiful January day.

“Man, I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow," Annie griped.
I smiled at her in complete agreement. It wasn’t that we love school so much; we were just missing our friends.

“Well, at least we were able to enjoy one of the days off. Here, hold this steady for me,” I lifted the last shutter back into place.
Annie and I had started putting our outdoor furniture back in place when I noticed a car coming up our driveway. Neither one of us was expecting company, so we stopped working to see who could be stopping by. I didn’t recognize the old car, but it must have been originally from the '60s or ‘70s; rusty-faded black paint and all.

When the car was close enough to see who was driving it, my eyes danced alive with excitement Doesn't work for me. Too much fluttery description. You could say, "I became alive with interest," or "My eyes danced with excitement," but not all of those together. It doesn't match with the tone you've held in the rest of the paragraphs., and I had my first encounter with the mystery boy. Telling. Drop this. I was in awe over his beauty. I find this hard to believe. You go from talking about a storm, to this mysterious crazily handsome mystery guy. There's no flow between the two, and I've read plenty of stories about girl-meets-absurdely-goodlooking-guy. It's gotta be really something special to grab my attention. He was She magically knew? Or did he look around her age. Make sure to keep yourself in Haleigh's head. around my age with wavy light-brown collar length hair and stood around 6 feet. He got out of the car smiling.

"Good afternoon ladies, it looks like y’all can use a hand." He spoke with a southern accent and his hazel-brown eyes were full of life. He walked over to Annie and helped her put a table back in place. He was seemed, looked, etc. so sure of himself, Annie took an instant dislike to him, and she snapped at him.

"No, we can manage fine by ourselves." Annie glared at him angrily. Her mood swings could be erratic and she seemed to only relate to her tight knit group of friends.

The mystery boy’s strong angular face went rigid for a moment as he tipped his cowboy hat toward us, "I apologize if I offended y’all, but you ladies looked like you could use a hand,” he flashed us a brilliant smile again.

Annie glared at him even harder. Her dark brown eyes pierced into his hazel eyes. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I stood there speechless, which was rare for me. I wondered where he’d come from because his tan indicated he hadn’t been in Montana long.

“Well, I’m sorry to have disturbed y’all, and hope y’all enjoy the rest of your day." He turned around and got back into his car, smiling his million-dollar smile the whole time. His engine came to life with a rumble and he pulled away, going up our driveway and circling back around. When he was several yards away from us, he stepped on the gas and rock-filled snow went spewing from the back of his car.

"Well he seems like a jerk!" Annie scoured as she started stacking debris into little piles on the side of the house. I chuckled to myself, amused by the way Annie responded to our unexpected visitor.

"Yeah, he did seem to have some sort of chip on his shoulder, didn't he?" I hoped she hadn’t noticed how much I found him attractive.

Overall, the voice is not your problem. I think the problem is where you start the story. None of the action starts until the "mystery boy" drives up, so you should begin there. As for the dialogue, it doesn't seem natural. It feels very stiff and directed. Unfortunately, the moment the mystery boy drove up is when I lost interest. For starters, why on earth would he drive up to a stranger's house, offer the girls some help, and then leave when they send him away. Could he really see what they were doing from the road? There are too many questions I have with that part, and the way you describe his appearance and Annie's eyes seems very unnatural. You don't need to throw it all in at once. You start closer to the right point in the first version, but I think you could get even closer. Punctuation problems are pretty apparent, so I'd check out the agent blogs and websites and figure out what could be tightened up with that and the sentence structure. Mostly, I just don't have a good idea of what's going on, and what path the story is taking, character-wise and plot-wise. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, because I think this has real potential!

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Re: YA Romantic SF; two different versions need opinions

Post by chvyg80 » April 26th, 2011, 5:30 pm

Yeah, I know what you mean about the conflict, I almost started it a few chapters later, but then I'd have to back track. I was told you should never do that. I wanted to introduce Matt (the mystery boy) earlier in the book so it wouldn't seem as though he'd popped up out of no where, which is almost what he did. I don't know if I can rework the story to make sense without him mysteriously popping up at her house, unless he doesn't at all and they meet later on. Let me reread my first few chapters and see what I can come up with.

Thanks!
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Re: YA Romantic SF; two different versions need opinions

Post by Falls Apart » April 26th, 2011, 6:25 pm

I agree with AllieS about the dialogue. Also, the narrator's voice in both seems a bit . . . I hesitate to say unnatural, but when you're in first person, it should generally be following a person's thinking patterns (within reason, of course). Just the way some things were phrased don't really seem to be the way a high schooler would put them? But that's just me. For example, talking about things being important to their "way of life" seems a bit odd; people, unless they're in an expatriot-type community or otherwise surrounded by people who don't follow their way of life, aren't usually aware that theyhave a way of life. I could be wrong, though; depending on what their way of life is, it could make perfect sense. Overall, it's a great beginning, but I'd recommend (a) bringing in the conflict earlier (and by earlier, I mean the first paragraph) (b) reading it out loud, or, better yet, have somebody else read it to you, and see if it's how you can picture your narrator telling a story, and (c) pleasepleaseplease fix the commas and apostraphes. At one point (I'm not sure which version) you accidentally say that she is her own sister.
With regards to (a), if I were you, I'd start the first sentence by mentioning the boy who just walked up (and describe him; don't just tell use he's good-looking. how is he good-looking?) then give a one-sentence recap of what they're doing and why they're doing it. Then tell us about her sister's reaction. She didn't take an instant dislike to him; her shoulders tensed, her jaw clenched visibly, her eyes narrowed, something like that.
Good luck :)

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Re: YA Romantic SF; two different versions need opinions

Post by chvyg80 » April 26th, 2011, 7:11 pm

You guys are so helpful. In my original draft I gave a two paragraph discription but was told that it was an "info dump" I'm not even sure I've posted that version on here. It's completely different. It's one of the reason there were 97,000 words. I have so many revisions, I have a hard time keeping them straight. As far as the apstrophe and semicolon issue, those are just at the beginning of the script. I wrote that (literally) a week ago, and haven't done any editing to it yet. The rest of the story should be pretty close to correct as far as punctuation. Thanks so much for the help and I think I'm going to rework in some of the things I cut out.
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Re: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 4/27*

Post by Aurlumen » May 24th, 2011, 2:23 am

“Man, I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow," Annie griped.

Just like me, my little sister had started going steer-crazy (stir-crazy?). Can you imagine, staying cooped up inside the house all day? We had nothing better to do but play board games and it sucked. Why did that stupid blizzard have to knock out our satellite dish? At least our parents got a kick out of it. They used it as the perfect excuse to have family time; Ugh. (Since these two have nothing to do with each other I would suggest putting a period here not a semi-colon.)


I smiled, understanding her completely. “Quit complaining and hold this steady for me.” (I put the smiled sentence first because it doesn't seem like it fits after she says to stop complaining. It sounds like she's chastising Annie. Unless you say "Quit complaining and hold this steady for me," I said. But I smiled, understanding her completely." Or you can leave it how I put it there. You can put 'I said' if you want but as we already saw her 'smile' we know it's not Annie who's saying this.)

(And usually when you have a line of diagogue you're not going to attach it to a long paragraph like this. It get's its own line.) It wasn’t that we liked school so much; we were just starting to miss our friends. (After the quote you have to put either a dialogue tag--not smiled because she didn't smile the quote she spoke it-- or simply a period like I put. Even without an 'I said' we still know she's the one who said it. Also the next part shouldn't have a semi-colon. The first clause is not really a complete sentence. You feel like something should go after it. I would just replace it with a comma.)

“Come on Haleigh, you know what I mean. Like seriously, how many times can I let you beat me at Monopoly?” She winked. (This makes it sound like they're playing right now. Are they? If not maybe you could say 'how many times are we going to play Monopoly?")

I smirked, thinking there was no way she could believed she was letting me win. “Sure you let me beat you, fat chance on that one.Maybe next time I’ll let her win.

We were just starting to put the outdoor furniture back into place when we heard a car coming toward our house. Neither one of us was expecting company, so we stopped working and watched as it made its way slowly up the driveway. Since I didn’t recognize the car, my first thought was it had to be I assumed it was someone needing directions.

The car stopped at the edge of our yard. The engine cut off immediately, which wasn’t soon enough. The fumes that came from the exhaust were more than my nose could handle. I reflexively held my breath and thought, 'what kind of person drives an old Camaro in the middle of winter?' (You didn't put any of her previous thoughts in parenthesis, why this one? I'd change it to: "I held my breath and wondered what kidn of person drove an old Camaro in the middle of winter.")

Looking at Annie I could see that the smell had gotten to her as well. Her face scrunched into a frown and she glared at it (what the car?) impatiently. I started to make a joke, but its driver got out and caught me by surprise, completely interrupting my thought.

He was gorgeous. I don’t mean boy-next-door gorgeous (but what does boy-next-door gorgeous mean to me? Are they not as gorgeous? This is categorizing too much. Some people have really hot neighbors. Some don't. This isn't good enough for me because there's a wide range in how hot next-door neighbors could be). He was ‘what and the hell are you doing in northern Montana instead of LA modeling?’ gorgeous. (I don't like the quoted description of he guy. First I think if you were going to keep it it should have dashes between each word. That's how I usually see things like that but I'm not positive. It might flow better if you just said something like saying he should be in LA modeling rather than driving through northern Montana.) He had beautiful hazel eyes and wavy, light brown hair (no comma) just long enough to touch the nape of his neck. He was tall and slender with a tan that made me wonder where he was from originally (It makes it seem like she thinks he could be from many different place. Don't we associate tan people with being from the south? You can just say that). No way he’d been in Montana long.

He walked over to us smiling, showing his perfectly aligned white teeth. After realizing I was gawking at him like a tween does their favorite pop star (We know what gawking is, and the teen pop star comparison is a bit overdone), I straightened my face and started breathing (I find the 'breathlessness' thing a little cheesy) again. I hoped it would slow my heart because it felt like it was trying to break out of my chest. (This too a little. I don't feel like this is realistic. Maybe it's just me but I don't stop breathing or have my heart fluttering when I see a super hot guy. If I have feelings for him, sure but not if he's a stranger.)

"Good afternoon ladies, looks like y’all can use a hand." His southern (There we go! We knew he was from the south after all) accent in combination with the smooth tone in his voice left me dumbfounded. (Is dumbfounded the best word choice? From the tan we knew he wasn't local so is the accent that amazing/astonishing?)

“Hi,” I replied, not wanting to seem rude. My voice came out sounding more timid than I wanted. (If her voice came out timidly write that after the dialogue tag so the readers know right away when she says it. "Hi," I replied timidly, not wanting to be rude.")

He walked over to Annie and helped her put the table back in place. He looked at me and smiled warmly. I blushed, but I’m sure Annie hadn’t didn't noticed. Something about the way he was so sure of himself (use a better word. confidence or something. Or since it bothered Annie maybe you could say cockiness) rubbed (better word. Irked?) her wrong and she snapped at him.

"We don’t need any help," she shouted, (after a dialogue tag you put a comma if you're putting something after it.) glaring at him angrily. Her mood swings could be erratic. (Is it erratic at this moment? It's not unexpected since you just told us something about his body language pretty much pissed her off.)

The mysterious boy’s strong angular face went rigid for a moment as he tipped his cowboy hat toward us, "I apologize if I offended y’all, but your aunt Charlene mentioned to my dad that y’all could use a hand,” he flashed us a brilliant smile again. “But apparently she was wrong, so I’ll just be on my way.” Charlene, that’s who put him up to this. Well a courtesy call would’ve been nice.

“Well thanks, but no thanks.” Annie stared at him even harder. Her dark brown eyes pierced into his. Still feeling overwhelmed by his beauty, I stood there speechless. (Speechless is acceptable. How old are these girls? Let the audience know. Clearly Annie is a few years younger, maybe before the age girls get interested in boys but let us know so we can relate better. Also, assuming this guy is the main character's age or a bit older, why does he not seem to take an interest in her at all or pay her any attention?) Annie crossed her arms and stood defensively, like she was waiting for him to leave.

“Well, I’m sorry I disturbed y’all. Enjoy the rest of your day." He seemed surprise by Annie’s reaction but maintained his million-dollar smile. I watched as he walked back to his car, and could feel my brain start back up (Cheesy). Almost like someone had flipped my switch to the on position (This too. Though if you keep it I think on should be capitalized). Why couldn’t it kick back on when he was still standing there? (This too. I get this is YA but it's a little too... fangirly. Maybe you could say something like why didn't I say something while he was still there or whatever. I think the thing is she seems so dismayed that she didn't do/say anything to him. But considering that he's gorgeous we understand that she was shy. No need to go on about it.)

His engine came to life with a rumble and he pulled away, going up our driveway and circling back around. When he was several yards away from us, he stepped on the gas and rock-filled (littered?) snow went spewing from the back of his car.

"Well he seems like a jerk!" (The 'well' makes it seem like she's responding to something someone else said. I'd say either take it out or put a comma after it.) Annie scoured (Don't think this is the right word. Scoured means she's removing something but it doesn't look like that. Did you mean scowled?) as she started stacking brush into neat piles on the side of the house. I chuckled to myself, amused by the way Annie responded to our unexpected visitor. (Why? she recognizes that Annie didn't like something about him but she didn't feel like that so why does she find it amusing? He was being helpful, after all and was polite even after Annie was rude to him.)

"Yeah, he did seem to have some sort of chip on his shoulder, didn't he? But did you have to be so rude?" I hoped she hadn’t didn't noticed how much I found him attractive.

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes at me. She didn't notice. (Saying 'hadn't' is passive)
~~~~~~~

First, why are they moving furniture? Did they just move in because there's nothing that mentions that. Also I still don't understand or quite believe why Annie suddenly hates him and thinks hes a jerk. Like I said, he was being polite and attempted to help them. Nothing in anything he said sounded rude or anything like that so it just makes me think that Annie's an annoying character who's getting annoyed for no reason. And then the main character finds this funny for some reason and picks on the guy for being nice (but confident-looking? still not sure) but doesn't chastise her sister for being rude (and to a hot guy at that!) I guess I mean to say I don't feel like their reactions are realistic. Somewhat confusing.

The guy saying so-and-so said you needed help is not a good enough reason for me. I have no idea where these girls' parents are or if they have any. If they needed help moving furniture wouldn't they have their dad or mom help them? Why would an aunt call over some boy to do that? If you want to keep that reasoning I think maybe you could start with mentioning somewhere that they were home alone and that they're outside waiting for this person to show up in order to help them. I think it's better if they already know someone's on his way(she can still be surprised about his good-looks and what not because she won't know what he looks like until he gets there anyway) because then the explanation seems more realistic.

Also I don't believe the guy's reaction to Annie's antagonism. I would think he's protest a little, maybe say something like "Did I say something wrong?" (because if I was him I'd sure as hell be curious) or something of the sort or even appeal to the main character for an explanation or to see if she would say anything about it. You know like if Annie says something rude and Haleigh would say something like "Annie don't say that he's just trying to help!" or something like that.

Overall, there's potential here. Honestly the way the characters act around each other doesn't flow right to me but that can easily be fixed. I kind of want to know why the guy gave up so easily and just walked away without any questions but other than that I'm not sure if I would keep reading. There's not much action going on, but this is a short excerpt so that's understandable. But I've seen a lot of novels where a girl has a boring life or something of the sort and meets a guy who changes her life. If that sounds familiar I hope you change it up a bit. Well it says SF I assume that's Scifi, so I'm sure you'll be okay. Hope you stay away from paranormal romance, that's really overdone lol. No offense. Anyway you just have to fix a few things, figure out where you want this to go. I think with romance is hard to pull off well. Good luck!

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chvyg80
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Re: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 4/27*

Post by chvyg80 » May 24th, 2011, 7:17 pm

~~~~~~~

First, why are they moving furniture? Did they just move in because there's nothing that mentions that. Also I still don't understand or quite believe why Annie suddenly hates him and thinks hes a jerk. Like I said, he was being polite and attempted to help them. Nothing in anything he said sounded rude or anything like that so it just makes me think that Annie's an annoying character who's getting annoyed for no reason. And then the main character finds this funny for some reason and picks on the guy for being nice (but confident-looking? still not sure) but doesn't chastise her sister for being rude (and to a hot guy at that!) I guess I mean to say I don't feel like their reactions are realistic. Somewhat confusing.

The guy saying so-and-so said you needed help is not a good enough reason for me. I have no idea where these girls' parents are or if they have any. If they needed help moving furniture wouldn't they have their dad or mom help them? Why would an aunt call over some boy to do that? If you want to keep that reasoning I think maybe you could start with mentioning somewhere that they were home alone and that they're outside waiting for this person to show up in order to help them. I think it's better if they already know someone's on his way(she can still be surprised about his good-looks and what not because she won't know what he looks like until he gets there anyway) because then the explanation seems more realistic.

Also I don't believe the guy's reaction to Annie's antagonism. I would think he's protest a little, maybe say something like "Did I say something wrong?" (because if I was him I'd sure as hell be curious) or something of the sort or even appeal to the main character for an explanation or to see if she would say anything about it. You know like if Annie says something rude and Haleigh would say something like "Annie don't say that he's just trying to help!" or something like that.

Overall, there's potential here. Honestly the way the characters act around each other doesn't flow right to me but that can easily be fixed. I kind of want to know why the guy gave up so easily and just walked away without any questions but other than that I'm not sure if I would keep reading. There's not much action going on, but this is a short excerpt so that's understandable. But I've seen a lot of novels where a girl has a boring life or something of the sort and meets a guy who changes her life. If that sounds familiar I hope you change it up a bit. Well it says SF I assume that's Scifi, so I'm sure you'll be okay. Hope you stay away from paranormal romance, that's really overdone lol. No offense. Anyway you just have to fix a few things, figure out where you want this to go. I think with romance is hard to pull off well. Good luck![/quote]


So funny that you gave an opinion on this today. Thanks. I'm currently reading the script out loud to my sister so she helps me catch some of the things that I probably need to change. She has helped by asking some of the same questions you and others have posed. Of course I know all the answers because I know the characters, but you all, as readers may find it harder to see ( I hope I've fixed it now.) Thanks so much and if you don't mind, can you read my revision. I'm going to repost it in the original post and let me know what you honestly think!
Chavone
"The pains and struggles of my past are what has made me the beautiful person I am today"

Aurlumen
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Re: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 5/24*

Post by Aurlumen » June 6th, 2011, 10:34 pm

The beginning you put back there does help explain why the girls were moving stuff around so that's good. That being said, I still don't feel like Annie and their dad's reaction to the guy fit quite right. I would believe their animosity more if he had actually done or said something a-holey or something like that. People come across arrogant people all the time but you don't really confront them angrily like that unless they do something first. I understand Annie doesn't like him from the vibe he's giving off but I don't feel that's enough to yell at him and stuff. I mean he only got one sentence out before Annie jumped on him. It seems a bit too quick for me. Maybe if they interacted more then it would fit better. Maybe he's trying to do all the work and/or hitting on Haleigh and ignoring Annie and that's what sets her off. It just needs to be more than he simply looked arrogant.

I'm not sure if you get what I'm trying to say lol. But anyway that's just my opinion. But what you have is good so far. Good job! :D

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chvyg80
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Re: YA Romantic SF; *Revised 5/24*

Post by chvyg80 » June 7th, 2011, 5:34 pm

Aurlumen wrote:The beginning you put back there does help explain why the girls were moving stuff around so that's good. That being said, I still don't feel like Annie and their dad's reaction to the guy fit quite right. I would believe their animosity more if he had actually done or said something a-holey or something like that. People come across arrogant people all the time but you don't really confront them angrily like that unless they do something first. I understand Annie doesn't like him from the vibe he's giving off but I don't feel that's enough to yell at him and stuff. I mean he only got one sentence out before Annie jumped on him. It seems a bit too quick for me. Maybe if they interacted more then it would fit better. Maybe he's trying to do all the work and/or hitting on Haleigh and ignoring Annie and that's what sets her off. It just needs to be more than he simply looked arrogant.

I'm not sure if you get what I'm trying to say lol. But anyway that's just my opinion. But what you have is good so far. Good job! :D

What you've said makes a lot of sense actually. The original version went into detail about Annie and how she was very moody and mean.There was a whole paragraph, but since I've removed that, your right. I need to make there be a reason they react so strongly toward Matt. I'll fix that. Thanks so much, that was so helpful!
Chavone
"The pains and struggles of my past are what has made me the beautiful person I am today"

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