Hey everyone, here's the first two pages of my novel. I'd love to hear what you think! I'll be sure to return the favor.
Alternate Beginning In Last Post
The footprints started at the edge of the trail.
Sophie Rowan propped herself up on one arm to look at them, squinting through the torrential rain that was splashing out of the imprints and onto her already filthy raincoat. Five feet away from her, mud had been chaotically smeared across the trail from where she’d fallen moments before. Before then, her steady, careful footprints led to the slightly raised edge of the trail. They were the only prints on the trail—prints that would be washed away in a matter of minutes, judging from the onslaught of rain and powerful gusts of wind that were tearing leaves off their branches.
None of this explained the unidentified footprints, half-hidden beneath the bushes that lined the path. They emerged abruptly and led into the fog that was quickly consuming the forest. Sophie traced one broad track with her finger, noticing how the zigzag tread barely left a mark in the mud. She had seen enough boot prints to know these hiking boots had been bought years ago.
She also knew they had no right to go beyond the edge of the trail.
She raised a hand to brush away strands of hair that had tumbled out of her ponytail when she fell. Her hand was caked in mud, though her fingers were slowly being stripped of the brown paint as she held out her hand in the rain. She pressed her hand back to the ground, feeling the muddy, stringy weeds beneath her fingers. If she were her best friend Jacqueline, she would get back to her feet, walk away slowly so she wouldn’t slip again, and try to forget about what she saw. Jacqueline never let stuff like this faze her.
Instead, Sophie remained immobile in the mud.
A battle between curiosity and confusion was raging inside her head. Go see where they lead, Sophie urged herself. That’s your job. You’re here to stop people leaving the trails, and here’s proof that someone has.
It was simple when she thought about it like that . . . except Sophie knew, for a fact, that Ellery Wildlife Preserve had closed to the public nearly an hour ago. No one had been on the trails all day—and no one was allowed on the trails now except Sophie.
That meant someone else was out in the preserve with her, someone who shouldn’t be there. Logic was telling her to stop staring at the footprints and run like hell.
Her muddy fingers slipped on the zipper of her raincoat, the rain numbing her hands as she reached for the thick blue notebook she kept her reports in. At the very least, she was going to mark down the footprints before they washed away.
Before her fingers could so much as skim the binding of the notebook, a movement out of the corner of her eye made her leap to her feet.
“Who’s there?” she called into the trees. At least the howling of the wind made it impossible for anyone to hear the quaver in her voice.
First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Last edited by AllieS on June 13th, 2011, 2:51 am, edited 9 times in total.
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Falls Apart
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Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy
Hm. Interesting :) One thing I'd say is that you seem to use a lot of ellipses, sometimes in ways that are a bit disruptive. Generally, I use those only for pauses in speech ("'I admit it. I . . . I was the one who . . . I was the one who gave the poodle to the hamster cult.'") or narrative thought that trails off ("Wurston stopped in his tracks, staring at the empty cage in horror. Perhaps he was wrong, but if poor, poor Fido actually had been duped into getting Frisky and his minions out . . .") and stuff like that. But that's just me :) And as for the show/tell stuff, I think you could sum up her reasons for being out in the woods pretty quickly, eg . . .
Sophie Rowan had been in the torrential downpour for five hours, but this was the first time she'd slipped. After a brief scramble to catch herself, she found herself facedown in a slimy blend of fallen leaves, loose soil, and spring rain. She spit out a mouthful of mud and muttered a string of curses. Damn admninistration and their stick-to-the-main-road religion, damn idiot tourists for breaking the rules, and damn Maggie for ditching her with this pointless job.
Or something like that. I don't know. Best of luck, though--sounds interesting :) Cool feeling of foreboding.
Sophie Rowan had been in the torrential downpour for five hours, but this was the first time she'd slipped. After a brief scramble to catch herself, she found herself facedown in a slimy blend of fallen leaves, loose soil, and spring rain. She spit out a mouthful of mud and muttered a string of curses. Damn admninistration and their stick-to-the-main-road religion, damn idiot tourists for breaking the rules, and damn Maggie for ditching her with this pointless job.
Or something like that. I don't know. Best of luck, though--sounds interesting :) Cool feeling of foreboding.
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy
AllieS - I'm so glad that I can help offer some criticism since you have been so helpful with my query! :) Comments below:
This last part is definitely the best part of this scene because you show her sense of foreboding.
Overall, I think this is a nice scene because you establish a good sense of foreboding from the get-go, what with the rain and her slipping in the forest and the footprints. It feels like the beginning of a horror movie almost! I think the wording needs to be tightened up especially in the beginning and, I too, would suggest removing the ellipses and m-dashes because I think they're best used in dialogue. I like FallsApart suggestion for tying in the first three paras into one para and I think you could pull more together kind of like below (taking some suggestions from Falls Apart):
Sophie Rowan slipped in the thick New Hampshire mud and landed in a circular puddle. She flicked a wet strand of hair from her face, spit out mud, and muttered a string of curses. She scrambled to her knees and panted, suddenly unsteady. Footprints stamped the mud before her. Those footprints were new and had not been there when she walked this circuit thirty minutes before. Sophie checked her watch. Tourists were not allowed in the Ellery Wildlife Preserve after [x time]; she should have been the only enforcer walking these trails, ensuring that hikers didn't tramp through the native New Hampshire flora, indigents didn't camp in the glittering green woods, and teenage lovers didn't hide in the bushes.
[This could be the point where you put in a lot of description about how the forest looks, basically setting up the scene and then get back into the footprints and her marking down the scene.
In general, I think first sentences are better when they directly correlate to the main character rather than setting a mood. A writing teacher once told me that, unlike movies where you have the opening credits to set the mood, in a book, there are no opening credits, meaning you should set the mood while working with your character.Rain crashed through the treetops in Ellery Wildlife Preserve, pouring down the veins of leaves and sliding off so swiftly the movement was reduced to sparkling blurs in the dense fog. This sort of storm would send most people running for cover . . . but Sophia Rowan had been out in the forest for five hours.
I agree with FallsApart that there is a bit too much ellipses and m-dashes here. For example, I think the sentence would read better if you said, "it transformed the forest into a glittering, green Eden."It was impossible to avoid this kind of bad weather when you worked in a wildlife preserve. As part of the preservation crew, Sophie spent more time outside than inside—but as long as she didn’t forget her raincoat during these sorts of squalls, she actually liked the rain. Refreshing and cool, it transformed the forest into another world entirely—a glittering, green Eden. Vibrant colors burst out from behind every uprooted tree; the ferns reached their tips high to welcome the drops, to drink them in; thin streams cut channels through the impressionable dirt on the paths.
This might be clearer if you said something like, "Sophie spent her afternoons lecturing hikers who ventured off the clearly marked paths, though it was a pointless job . . . " I'm a bit confused by you calling it an "oh-so-delicate environment." I'm guessing that you're being sarcastic but if she's an enforcer working for a wildlife preserve, she presumably cares a lot about the flora there. Right?Technically, Sophie was supposed enforce the rules of the preserve, which is why she had given her job the more appropriate title of an “enforcer.” Although she would’ve enjoyed the luxury of daydreaming during her entire shift, she usually spent her afternoons lecturing kids and adults alike for venturing off the clearly-marked paths and stomping their feet through the precious New Hampshire flora. Then she would pull out her thick blue notebook, jot down the perpetrator’s motives for leaving the path and harming the oh-so-delicate environment, and report that person to her boss, Maggie.
It was a pointless job, Sophie always thought. People should be able to explore if they wanted to. That’s what the woods were for.
But that was before she slipped in the mud and found herself face-to-face with the reason her job existed.
Flicking a wet strand of hair out of her eyes, Sophie stared at a large set of footprints stamped into the mud. The tracks led through the fog that had already consumed the forest. She followed their progress with her eyes as she rose from her knees, feeling confused but curious. What confused her were not the footprints themselves, or that they led away from the path. What confused her was that she knew, for a fact, they hadn’t been there half an hour before when she walked that same stretch of trail.
The preserve had closed to the public nearly an hour ago. No one was allowed on the trails except Sophie.
[/quote]She went to take out her notebook, eager to mark down the footprints before they washed away, when a movement out of the corner of her eye caused her to leap to her feet.
“Who’s there?” she called into the forest. At least the howling of the wind made it impossible for anyone to hear the quaver in her voice.
She could’ve sworn something had moved in the woods, away from the trail. She’d heard the faint crack of twigs breaking on the ground, and seen a shadow drift between the trees, but where? She couldn’t pinpoint where exactly the movement had come from. She scanned through the foliage, her gaze narrowed as she struggled to see through the impenetrable fog.
It was probably all in her head . . . maybe her imagination was a little too wild today. No doubt this was the consequence of letting her mind drift into another daydream. . . .
She shuddered, trying to disregard the way that subtle movement had made the hair on the back of her neck stand up.
This last part is definitely the best part of this scene because you show her sense of foreboding.
Overall, I think this is a nice scene because you establish a good sense of foreboding from the get-go, what with the rain and her slipping in the forest and the footprints. It feels like the beginning of a horror movie almost! I think the wording needs to be tightened up especially in the beginning and, I too, would suggest removing the ellipses and m-dashes because I think they're best used in dialogue. I like FallsApart suggestion for tying in the first three paras into one para and I think you could pull more together kind of like below (taking some suggestions from Falls Apart):
Sophie Rowan slipped in the thick New Hampshire mud and landed in a circular puddle. She flicked a wet strand of hair from her face, spit out mud, and muttered a string of curses. She scrambled to her knees and panted, suddenly unsteady. Footprints stamped the mud before her. Those footprints were new and had not been there when she walked this circuit thirty minutes before. Sophie checked her watch. Tourists were not allowed in the Ellery Wildlife Preserve after [x time]; she should have been the only enforcer walking these trails, ensuring that hikers didn't tramp through the native New Hampshire flora, indigents didn't camp in the glittering green woods, and teenage lovers didn't hide in the bushes.
[This could be the point where you put in a lot of description about how the forest looks, basically setting up the scene and then get back into the footprints and her marking down the scene.
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy
Thanks for the advice akila and Falls Apart! The edited version is up top!
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Falls Apart
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Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/20)
The edited version is infinitely better. You open up right in the action, and convey the necessary information without too much "telling." Only things I'd say are, in the second sentence, you really can't say "bringing herself to her knees" unless she was doing that at the same time as everything else in the sentence, and it sounds like she's doing it after. Also, I think "imprints" should be "impressions." Other than that, though, it's great!
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/20)
I like how the excerpt begins with something happening. Right off the bat the main character has noticed something that is out of place and should not be there. Also after reading this I'm not getting that this has any fantasy elements in it, though it could. But if it doesn't then it makes me not believe the statement "the footrpints started from nowhere". Maybe you could say that they started in the middle of the trail or something? From nowhere creates a confusing mental picture and it actually doesn't make any sense. Then later it says they are half-hidden beneath the bushes. That's clearly not from nowhere.
You say she' not confused about the footprints or where they lead. Only that they weren't there before. But why shouldn't she be confused about the presence of the footprints and where they lead? It goes hand in hand with the fact that they are even there.
However nothing about the passage makes me feel any sense of urgency at her finding the footprints. It might be better if you added in how Sophie feels about her discovery. She's noticed footprints when the place was closed down an hour ago. So is she angry? Scared? Suspicious? Does she fear for her life? Should we? I don't think confused is a strong enough emotion. It would sound better if there was something else that she felt. I think letting the audience know how she feels would help add to the sense of mystery here.
Now where you start from "Maybe Maggie had come in" all the way to "That was before she found the footprints" it's sort of like you're going on a tangent and away from the action and that made me lose interest in what was going on. I wanted to skim over that to see what she was going to do next (which we don't really get anyway). I understand you'd want the audience to know a bit about your character's background but I wonder if that's the best place to put it in. Also why does she feel her job is pointless? It's clear that she's supposed to make sure people don't trash the place or mess with anything. That's important to whatever place they're trying to preserve.
At the end she mentions "No doubt this was the consequence of letting her mind drift into another daydream" but how does that make sense? She clearly sees the footprints before her so how is it possible that she's making it up?
And the fact that you say "it was probably all in her head" kind of deflates the urgency to find out what happened even more. The main character is already brushing the incident off as though it might not have happened. It'd be more interesting if she acted like her hackles were raised and maybe hinted that she was going to do something about it instead of just trying to ignore it.
Other than mentioning her curiosity and the quaver in her voice I feel disconnected from the character because I don't know how she's feeling about this strange event. Other than that the idea is intriguing. Good luck! :D
You say she' not confused about the footprints or where they lead. Only that they weren't there before. But why shouldn't she be confused about the presence of the footprints and where they lead? It goes hand in hand with the fact that they are even there.
However nothing about the passage makes me feel any sense of urgency at her finding the footprints. It might be better if you added in how Sophie feels about her discovery. She's noticed footprints when the place was closed down an hour ago. So is she angry? Scared? Suspicious? Does she fear for her life? Should we? I don't think confused is a strong enough emotion. It would sound better if there was something else that she felt. I think letting the audience know how she feels would help add to the sense of mystery here.
Now where you start from "Maybe Maggie had come in" all the way to "That was before she found the footprints" it's sort of like you're going on a tangent and away from the action and that made me lose interest in what was going on. I wanted to skim over that to see what she was going to do next (which we don't really get anyway). I understand you'd want the audience to know a bit about your character's background but I wonder if that's the best place to put it in. Also why does she feel her job is pointless? It's clear that she's supposed to make sure people don't trash the place or mess with anything. That's important to whatever place they're trying to preserve.
At the end she mentions "No doubt this was the consequence of letting her mind drift into another daydream" but how does that make sense? She clearly sees the footprints before her so how is it possible that she's making it up?
And the fact that you say "it was probably all in her head" kind of deflates the urgency to find out what happened even more. The main character is already brushing the incident off as though it might not have happened. It'd be more interesting if she acted like her hackles were raised and maybe hinted that she was going to do something about it instead of just trying to ignore it.
Other than mentioning her curiosity and the quaver in her voice I feel disconnected from the character because I don't know how she's feeling about this strange event. Other than that the idea is intriguing. Good luck! :D
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/20)
Thanks guys! Aurlumen, I was thinking the same exact thing about the "tangent," but I've played around with the placement and this is really the best place I can put it. In the last draft it came first, and then Sophie found the footprints, so it fit in better, but you all seem to like starting with the footprints best. Is it so distracting that you absolutely wouldn't read any farther? I tried to keep it short. In this version I put it a little farther down, but I'm afraid it doesn't work well. Your opinion would be great!
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/20)
I suppose you have a point there. ;) It's not distracting to the point where I wouldn't read farther... it just temporarily makes me forget that there's something going on.
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)
Alright, I've done a whole new revision on those pages, using your guys' comments to help. I'd love to hear what you think of it! It's posted in the first post.
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)
Oh this is much better!
Just a few things I would change:
She could’ve sworn something had moved in the woods, away from the trail. She’d heard the faint crack of twigs breaking on the ground, and saw a shadow drift between the trees, but where? She couldn’t pinpoint where exactly the movement had come from.
Maybe Maggie had come in to try and find her . . . but Sophie doubted it. Maggie might be her boss, but she didn’t love the forest nearly as much as Sophie. Sometimes Sophie wondered if she even liked being outside. Either way, she didn’t care enough about it to spend five hours in a squall most people would call “miserable.”
Sophie had always considered it to be a pointless job, one that gave her an excuse to wander through the forest all day. People (is she talking about herself or the visitors?) should be able to explore if they wanted to. That’s what the woods were for.
Then she had found the footprints. (I don't know why this sentence feels a bit odd to me. Maybe play with the wording a bit? "But then she found the footprints" or "Then there were the footprints" or "until she found the footprints" Maybe it's just me haha)
~~ I don't think the elipsis is necessary. And miserable doesn't need quotation marks (Think as if you were saying this outloud to a friend, would you use air quotation marks when you say it? Probably not). And also something that just occurred to me. If Sophie's job is to show people around the woods wouldn't the employees all have walkie talkies or something to talk to each other? They need to communicate somehow. So maybe you could mention that. Maybe she had a walkie (are they waterproof? O.o) that she turned off and maybe that's why she wonders if Maggie's looking for her, because it's off. Then you say 'she didn't love the forest nearly as much as Sophie' which makes me think that she still likes it a lot, or at least likes it, but then 'Sophie wondered if she even liked being outside' that kind of contradicts so I would figure that out. Also it says Sophia in the beginning, I don't know if you caught that.
Other than that this version is better. :D
Just a few things I would change:
She could’ve sworn something had moved in the woods, away from the trail. She’d heard the faint crack of twigs breaking on the ground, and saw a shadow drift between the trees, but where? She couldn’t pinpoint where exactly the movement had come from.
Maybe Maggie had come in to try and find her . . . but Sophie doubted it. Maggie might be her boss, but she didn’t love the forest nearly as much as Sophie. Sometimes Sophie wondered if she even liked being outside. Either way, she didn’t care enough about it to spend five hours in a squall most people would call “miserable.”
Sophie had always considered it to be a pointless job, one that gave her an excuse to wander through the forest all day. People (is she talking about herself or the visitors?) should be able to explore if they wanted to. That’s what the woods were for.
Then she had found the footprints. (I don't know why this sentence feels a bit odd to me. Maybe play with the wording a bit? "But then she found the footprints" or "Then there were the footprints" or "until she found the footprints" Maybe it's just me haha)
~~ I don't think the elipsis is necessary. And miserable doesn't need quotation marks (Think as if you were saying this outloud to a friend, would you use air quotation marks when you say it? Probably not). And also something that just occurred to me. If Sophie's job is to show people around the woods wouldn't the employees all have walkie talkies or something to talk to each other? They need to communicate somehow. So maybe you could mention that. Maybe she had a walkie (are they waterproof? O.o) that she turned off and maybe that's why she wonders if Maggie's looking for her, because it's off. Then you say 'she didn't love the forest nearly as much as Sophie' which makes me think that she still likes it a lot, or at least likes it, but then 'Sophie wondered if she even liked being outside' that kind of contradicts so I would figure that out. Also it says Sophia in the beginning, I don't know if you caught that.
Other than that this version is better. :D
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 4/21)
Thanks Aurlumen! But I actually just realized that I forgot to post the newest changes! Oops! The real new version is above now, haha.
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 5/24)
Lol. Yes this is much better! I like the adjectives and how everything's described. I feel like I can really picture what she's experiencing in my head! Good job!!
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bighockeyhair
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Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 5/24)
Hi AllieS,
Just thought I'd make one point. Since we're following your MC around without a real clear idea what's going on, it might help if your first sentence is stronger and maybe more intriguing.
For example:
No one was allowed on the trails now except Sophie. She bent down, squinting through the torrential rain. These tracks were fresh and she knew the tracks never lied. Someone else was out in the preserve with her, someone who shouldn’t be there.
It sucks I know, but I just wanted to leave you with an idea of what I was saying. I think a strong opening sentence or two would give us a better sense of danger rather than a character who seems to be following a set of random tracks.
Otherwise I loved it!
Just thought I'd make one point. Since we're following your MC around without a real clear idea what's going on, it might help if your first sentence is stronger and maybe more intriguing.
For example:
No one was allowed on the trails now except Sophie. She bent down, squinting through the torrential rain. These tracks were fresh and she knew the tracks never lied. Someone else was out in the preserve with her, someone who shouldn’t be there.
It sucks I know, but I just wanted to leave you with an idea of what I was saying. I think a strong opening sentence or two would give us a better sense of danger rather than a character who seems to be following a set of random tracks.
Otherwise I loved it!
Horror thriller author
My debut novel Malice is now available on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Malice-ebook/dp/B005QCC122
Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 5/24)
hey bighockeyhair. I actually wasn't planning on posting any more changes, but your idea of making a stronger first sentence got to me and I couldn't help but try it out. I don't have a clue if it's actually stronger, but I think it's a little more intriguing than the last . . . so I figured I'd put it in this post and leave the original up top so you guys can compare and see which you like better. This one goes a few paragraphs longer than the last one.
I'm worried I lost some of the sensory details in the changes, though. What do you think?
Alternate beginning
They shouldn’t be here.
Those were the first words that burst through Sophie Rowan’s mind when she slipped and found the footprints at the edge of the trail. And now that she thought about it, she was vividly aware that the word “shouldn’t” should be replaced with “can’t.”
Sophie glanced over her shoulder. Her footprints were the only impressions on the trail—steady marks that lasted until she lost her footing and mud was chaotically smeared across the path. Her prints would be washed away in a matter of minutes, judging from the torrential rain and powerful gusts of wind that were tearing leaves off branches.
The unidentified footprints emerged abruptly, seemingly originating at the slightly-raised edge of the trail. They crept out of sight into the dense greenish fog that was consuming the forest.
Sophie propped herself up on one arm to get a better look at them, squinting through the rain that was splashing out of the impressions and onto her already filthy raincoat. She cautiously lifted a hand and traced one broad track with her finger; the zigzag tread barely stamped a mark in the mud. As part of Ellery Wildlife Preserve’s preservation crew, she’d seen enough boot prints to know these hiking boots had been bought years ago.
And at Ellery, footprints had no right to go beyond the edge of the trails.
Sophie lowered her hand back to the ground, feeling the muddy, stringy weeds beneath her fingers. If she were her best friend Jacqueline, she would get back to her feet, walk away slowly so she wouldn’t slip again, and try to forget about what she saw. Jacqueline never let stuff like this faze her.
Instead, Sophie remained immobile in the mud.
A battle between curiosity and confusion was raging inside her head. Go see where they lead, Sophie urged herself. That’s your job. You’re here to stop people leaving the trails, and here’s proof that someone has.
It was simple when she thought about it like that . . . except Sophie knew the preserve had closed to the public nearly an hour ago. No one had been on the trails all day, and no one was allowed on the trails now except Sophie.
That meant someone else was out in the woods with her, someone who shouldn’t be there. Logic was telling her to stop staring at the footprints and run like hell.
Her muddy fingers slipped on the zipper of her raincoat, the rain numbing her hands as she reached for the thick blue notebook she kept her reports in. At the very least, she was going to mark down the footprints before they washed away.
Before her fingers could so much as skim the binding, a movement out of the corner of her eye made her leap to her feet.
“Who’s there?” she called into the trees. At least the howling of the wind made it impossible for anyone to hear the quaver in her voice.
She could’ve sworn something had moved in the forest. She’d heard the faint crack of twigs breaking on the ground, and seen a shadow drift between the trees, but where? She couldn’t pinpoint where exactly the movement had come from. She scanned through the dripping foliage, her gaze narrowed as she struggled to see through the rain and fog.
The hair on the back on her neck prickled, but she couldn’t make herself leave the trail. Nothing had jumped out at her yet, so chances were the shadow had been some animal that wasn’t smart enough to get out of the storm while it had the chance. But an animal hadn’t left those footprints. . . .
Maybe Maggie had come in to try and find her . . . but Sophie doubted it. Maggie might be her boss, but she didn’t love the forest like Sophie, didn’t itch to get back into the glittering, green Eden every minute of the day. Sometimes Sophie wondered if Maggie even liked being outside.
Well, she didn’t have to like it. That’s why Sophie had a job in the first place. As part of Ellery’s preservation crew (though she’d given her job the more appropriate title of an ‘enforcer’), Sophie implemented the rules of the preserve, lecturing visitors for venturing off the clearly-marked paths and stomping their feet through the New Hampshire flora. Whenever she caught a rule breaker, she would pull out her notebook, jot down the perpetrator’s motives for leaving the path and harming the oh-so-delicate environment, and report that person to Maggie.
Sophie had always considered it to be a pointless job, one that gave her an excuse to roam through the forest all day. People should be able to explore if they wanted to. That’s what the woods were for.
Then she had found the footprints.
I'm worried I lost some of the sensory details in the changes, though. What do you think?
Alternate beginning
They shouldn’t be here.
Those were the first words that burst through Sophie Rowan’s mind when she slipped and found the footprints at the edge of the trail. And now that she thought about it, she was vividly aware that the word “shouldn’t” should be replaced with “can’t.”
Sophie glanced over her shoulder. Her footprints were the only impressions on the trail—steady marks that lasted until she lost her footing and mud was chaotically smeared across the path. Her prints would be washed away in a matter of minutes, judging from the torrential rain and powerful gusts of wind that were tearing leaves off branches.
The unidentified footprints emerged abruptly, seemingly originating at the slightly-raised edge of the trail. They crept out of sight into the dense greenish fog that was consuming the forest.
Sophie propped herself up on one arm to get a better look at them, squinting through the rain that was splashing out of the impressions and onto her already filthy raincoat. She cautiously lifted a hand and traced one broad track with her finger; the zigzag tread barely stamped a mark in the mud. As part of Ellery Wildlife Preserve’s preservation crew, she’d seen enough boot prints to know these hiking boots had been bought years ago.
And at Ellery, footprints had no right to go beyond the edge of the trails.
Sophie lowered her hand back to the ground, feeling the muddy, stringy weeds beneath her fingers. If she were her best friend Jacqueline, she would get back to her feet, walk away slowly so she wouldn’t slip again, and try to forget about what she saw. Jacqueline never let stuff like this faze her.
Instead, Sophie remained immobile in the mud.
A battle between curiosity and confusion was raging inside her head. Go see where they lead, Sophie urged herself. That’s your job. You’re here to stop people leaving the trails, and here’s proof that someone has.
It was simple when she thought about it like that . . . except Sophie knew the preserve had closed to the public nearly an hour ago. No one had been on the trails all day, and no one was allowed on the trails now except Sophie.
That meant someone else was out in the woods with her, someone who shouldn’t be there. Logic was telling her to stop staring at the footprints and run like hell.
Her muddy fingers slipped on the zipper of her raincoat, the rain numbing her hands as she reached for the thick blue notebook she kept her reports in. At the very least, she was going to mark down the footprints before they washed away.
Before her fingers could so much as skim the binding, a movement out of the corner of her eye made her leap to her feet.
“Who’s there?” she called into the trees. At least the howling of the wind made it impossible for anyone to hear the quaver in her voice.
She could’ve sworn something had moved in the forest. She’d heard the faint crack of twigs breaking on the ground, and seen a shadow drift between the trees, but where? She couldn’t pinpoint where exactly the movement had come from. She scanned through the dripping foliage, her gaze narrowed as she struggled to see through the rain and fog.
The hair on the back on her neck prickled, but she couldn’t make herself leave the trail. Nothing had jumped out at her yet, so chances were the shadow had been some animal that wasn’t smart enough to get out of the storm while it had the chance. But an animal hadn’t left those footprints. . . .
Maybe Maggie had come in to try and find her . . . but Sophie doubted it. Maggie might be her boss, but she didn’t love the forest like Sophie, didn’t itch to get back into the glittering, green Eden every minute of the day. Sometimes Sophie wondered if Maggie even liked being outside.
Well, she didn’t have to like it. That’s why Sophie had a job in the first place. As part of Ellery’s preservation crew (though she’d given her job the more appropriate title of an ‘enforcer’), Sophie implemented the rules of the preserve, lecturing visitors for venturing off the clearly-marked paths and stomping their feet through the New Hampshire flora. Whenever she caught a rule breaker, she would pull out her notebook, jot down the perpetrator’s motives for leaving the path and harming the oh-so-delicate environment, and report that person to Maggie.
Sophie had always considered it to be a pointless job, one that gave her an excuse to roam through the forest all day. People should be able to explore if they wanted to. That’s what the woods were for.
Then she had found the footprints.
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bighockeyhair
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Re: First Two Pages for REDDO, YA urban fantasy (REVISED 6/13)
Note of caution: A lot of editing is experimenting. Most changes lead to dead ends, but sometimes tinkering around you can come upon a real winner, so don't erase your original opening just in case this new version doesn't go where you wanted it to.
That being said, after reading your latest (experimental) draft, I'm more convinced that strengthening the opening sentences is a move in the right direction. Now the way you had it before, was slowly putting pieces together throughout the piece. We see a woman following a trail, but why? Who is she after? Your intention I think was to build intrigue.
If you're going to follow through with that the new, hookier (is that a word? probably not, but I'm using it anyway) opening, the rest has to be tweaked as well, because it no longer fits. It's hard to put up a suspenseful beginning and then fall back onto describing leaves and all types of fearful thoughts running through your MC's head. As well, because you 'get to the point a bit quicker' in this version there's a lot of repetition that no longer works as well.
Now I'm the kind of writer that leans toward 'sparse is better,' so keep that in mind when I offer suggestions. This might not be right for you or your piece. But I found 60-70% of the descriptions -- while well done -- detracted from the immediacy of the moment. Getting into your MC's head while she internally debates this or that didn't really work that well for me and maybe because I didn't completely get WHY she was so scared. Why was the hair on the back of her neck standing on end? You make it fairly clear that her job is run of the mill. That "People should be able to explore if they wanted to." If I worked there, knowing that people wanted to go 'off roading', I wouldn't expect a bad guy was running through the woods, at least not before I went looking for some idiot hiker who probably got lost while picking daisies. Unless there was something very unique and disturbing about his boot print (other than it being new). Something that was impossible or unlikely. That would scare me. In other words, although well written, her reactions didn't seem to fit the things she was seeing. Although I do love the idea of her trekking through the pouring rain, for someone who shouldn't be there.
I know you probably want to fight me right now. lol. But if you're going to continue with this 'exercise' I'd try the following and see if you think it works before you post again. 1) Why is it that has your MC frightened? 2) if it's something about the track she sees, this would be a nice opportunity to highlight her tracking abilities. What is it about the track that's unusual? 3) We're meeting your MC for the first time here and she comes across to me as a bit too timid, esp for a forest ranger. In my mind, anyone who knows the woods that well, won't spook unless its something really serious. In which case you'll snag your audience right away. In Predator when Johnny the tracker gets spooked, it scared me. 'Crap, if nothing spooks johnny, whatever it is, it must be crazy.' 4) Try replacing some of her inner thoughts with dialogue. Not sure if any tech is involved here at all, but is she calling someone at headquarters who is picking up some kind of weird image or signal. Just a thought. 5) Try cutting redundant description that you may or may not have fallen in love with a bit. See if these changes smooth things out.
That being said, after reading your latest (experimental) draft, I'm more convinced that strengthening the opening sentences is a move in the right direction. Now the way you had it before, was slowly putting pieces together throughout the piece. We see a woman following a trail, but why? Who is she after? Your intention I think was to build intrigue.
If you're going to follow through with that the new, hookier (is that a word? probably not, but I'm using it anyway) opening, the rest has to be tweaked as well, because it no longer fits. It's hard to put up a suspenseful beginning and then fall back onto describing leaves and all types of fearful thoughts running through your MC's head. As well, because you 'get to the point a bit quicker' in this version there's a lot of repetition that no longer works as well.
Now I'm the kind of writer that leans toward 'sparse is better,' so keep that in mind when I offer suggestions. This might not be right for you or your piece. But I found 60-70% of the descriptions -- while well done -- detracted from the immediacy of the moment. Getting into your MC's head while she internally debates this or that didn't really work that well for me and maybe because I didn't completely get WHY she was so scared. Why was the hair on the back of her neck standing on end? You make it fairly clear that her job is run of the mill. That "People should be able to explore if they wanted to." If I worked there, knowing that people wanted to go 'off roading', I wouldn't expect a bad guy was running through the woods, at least not before I went looking for some idiot hiker who probably got lost while picking daisies. Unless there was something very unique and disturbing about his boot print (other than it being new). Something that was impossible or unlikely. That would scare me. In other words, although well written, her reactions didn't seem to fit the things she was seeing. Although I do love the idea of her trekking through the pouring rain, for someone who shouldn't be there.
I know you probably want to fight me right now. lol. But if you're going to continue with this 'exercise' I'd try the following and see if you think it works before you post again. 1) Why is it that has your MC frightened? 2) if it's something about the track she sees, this would be a nice opportunity to highlight her tracking abilities. What is it about the track that's unusual? 3) We're meeting your MC for the first time here and she comes across to me as a bit too timid, esp for a forest ranger. In my mind, anyone who knows the woods that well, won't spook unless its something really serious. In which case you'll snag your audience right away. In Predator when Johnny the tracker gets spooked, it scared me. 'Crap, if nothing spooks johnny, whatever it is, it must be crazy.' 4) Try replacing some of her inner thoughts with dialogue. Not sure if any tech is involved here at all, but is she calling someone at headquarters who is picking up some kind of weird image or signal. Just a thought. 5) Try cutting redundant description that you may or may not have fallen in love with a bit. See if these changes smooth things out.
Horror thriller author
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