YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post excerpts from your works in progress and give feedback to your fellow writers.
Post Reply
User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by Falls Apart » April 13th, 2011, 11:50 pm

Now for the edited version . . . hehe wow I keep going back two seconds later to reedit. This is the last time. Okay, this is the last time. :) Thank you so much for any advice you can give me, and I hugely appreciate what people have said so far!




Rajan Singhal got the invitation to die two weeks before he started his junior year at Newbridge High. It came in the same bulky, mustard-colored envelope that report cards and event notices did, the type that smelled like it had been kept in the back of an attic for at least five years, which, in all probability, it had. A pseudo-reality show with poor special effects and laughably put together death scenes, Inexorable may not have been high class entertainment, but Rajan accepted; it sounded like it could be fun and, at ten thousand dollars for a mere three hours of acting and one dramatic “murder,” the job would be lucrative even to a person who wasn’t dependent on a monthly allowance. But now, leaning against the chipped, weather-worn bricks of his school’s exterior and watching wispy cirrus clouds drift over the stars, he was starting to doubt his decision.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want the money. He wasn’t financially able to turn down what could pay for a fifth, depending on where he went, of his first year at college. And it wasn’t shaping up to be boring, either; he’d never liked the eyesore the town insisted on calling a school—nobody did—but in the just-past-twilight darkness, it looked like a haunted mansion, a hideout for the worst sorts of ghosts, just the place you’d want to do this kind of thing. No, Rajan’s problem wasn’t with the job. His problem was with himself.

“You’re pretty quiet,” October, his sort-of friend whom his parents had on seven times declared to be a bad influence, said, pulling him out of his thoughts. “What’s up?”

Rajan looked at October, who was sitting beside him in the mulch that made a two foot wide border around the school building. With her blue-streaked hair, dark makeup, and black opera gloves laced up to her elbows, she looked like she should be doing lead guitar and backup vocals for a metalcore band in an obscure concert hall, not waiting outside a near-empty school at nine p.m. to act in a show she didn’t like. Would she understand his anxiety about becoming, in five minutes, the singular most boring character ever to appear on national television?

Probably not.

October Stradovska was the polar opposite of boring. Sometimes, she was fun in a pseudo-dangerous of way, like when she recorded a CD with fifteen minutes of silence followed by Danger: Wildman by TDWP, turned the boom box up to full blast, and hid it in the back of the history classroom while they were taking a test. Other times, she was obnoxious, like when she bruised your shins for making an innocent comment she somehow managed to interpret as sexist. And then there were the times when she was just plain weird, like how she ate her pizza with mashed potatoes on top. But she was never, and had never been, boring.

Rajan attempted a shrug. “Just wondering who’s going to die first.”

“Mm,” October said, her voice dripping with the sarcasm that often preceded one of her rants. “Sensationalized carnage in a world that doesn’t need any more glorifications of violence. A hundred and eighty minute long death-procession, the order being decided by the votes of a million viewers salivating over the dehumanizing gorn, proving that you don’t need a plot to sell big; all you need is bad acting, fake blood, and a couple chicks in low-cut tops. Exciting, huh?”

Rajan managed a shaky smile and kept silent, wary of setting her off but also afraid that as soon as he opened his mouth, he’d start whining about he knew, for certain, without any doubt, that he would be the first to go.

He’d watched Inexorable before, every episode except the first two, which only a few people had. The one in the restaurant and the one in the beauty salon, those were the ones he’d missed. The Roche Brothers grocery store, the New Hampshire campground, the YMCA—the best one by far, in Rajan’s opinion—and the business office, he’d seen those. Four episodes times three hours made half of a full day spent watching it. More than enough time to realize that in no universe could somebody like him belong on this show.

Rajan was the type of boy you’d see on a missing child poster and know you wouldn’t recognize even if you did meet him, a sixteen-year-old Desi of medium height and weight who didn’t fit in with any of the school’s groups. His sidelines-only identity had never bothered him much before, but he was quickly realizing that being satisfied with his own personality wouldn’t make him an interesting character.

The characters on Inexorable were interesting; that was why it had gone from an obscure, poorly put together horror show to an international phenomenon that any CEO would sell their firstborn to get a thirty second commercial on. Interesting people in an interesting situation made for an interesting premise, and an interesting premise made for interested viewers, which was what every network was looking for. They wanted drama, soap-opera subplots for fans to gossip about in online chat rooms while deciding who should die next. They wanted new ideas, original plotlines, and, most of all, fresh characters. They did not want somebody like Rajan.
Last edited by Falls Apart on April 18th, 2011, 7:23 pm, edited 8 times in total.

User avatar
wordranger
Posts: 115
Joined: September 20th, 2010, 9:51 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words

Post by wordranger » April 16th, 2011, 12:38 am

I like the idea of the game show. It was a little unexpected.

I think this opening may have a few flaws, though. Now, to be honest, this is not my genre, so I hope that some people that read horror take a look at this for you. But right off the cuff a few things stand out for me. Number one… nothing is happening. There is a lot of description, which, frankly I started to want to skim right off the bat. It’s a little early in the story to be doing that. Can a little of the action be inserted in here?

Also, thankfully, by the end I find out that it is a TV show, but at the start I was thinking, “Ugh, there’s another hokey death beginning.” Now, yours obviously is different, but you need to be careful, because that first line may have been why 16 people looked at this before me, and didn’t even respond with a review. Maybe they got that far, rolled their eyes, and closed it and didn’t read further… ‘ya never know… be careful.

My suggestion, overall, would be to mold some of this description into a little bit of action. Don’t bore the reader too much right up front. Can something be going on in the background? Can this “game start at lease a little bit, and we can learn some of this description stuff as we move along?

That’s just my two cents. Again… not my genre. Horror guys and gals, where are ya?
What do you think?
Words are your friend.
Don't be afraid to lose yourself in them.

Jennifer Eaton, WordRanger
My Novelette LAST WINTER RED will be published by J. Taylor Publishing in December, 2012

Take a Step into My World and Learn From My Mistakes http://www.jennifermeaton.com/

akila
Posts: 31
Joined: April 13th, 2011, 6:02 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words

Post by akila » April 16th, 2011, 9:16 am

I actually like the description - I think it sets the stage for what's going to happen next but horror isn't my genre either. I think there are a few awkward sentences but I really like the way you start with the first paragraph.
Rajan was an average boy, the type you’d see on a missing child poster and know you wouldn’t recognize even if you did meet him. He was an Indian—although the farthest out of the U.S. he’d ever been was Canada—of medium height and weight, not smart enough to be a nerd, strong enough to be a jock, or confident enough to be remotely popular. He had short hair that did whatever he told it to as long as it wasn’t attractive, thin, rectangular glasses, and eyebrows that were just a bit too thick. His sidelines-only identity had never bothered him before, but he was quickly realizing that being satisfied with his own personality wouldn’t make him an interesting character.
The one thing that I want to mention is that this paragraph above raised my hackles to the point that I might put the book down and not continue reading. I don't know if you are of Indian descent or a minority, but I am. My parents both were born in India but I was born in the United States. I HATE it when people call me an "Indian." I am not an Indian --- I was born in the United States and am an American. I am of Indian descendant and my skin is brown but I know very few people first-generation kids of Indian descendant who consider themselves to be "Indian." A better term might be desi . . . that's how many of us describe ourselves. Desi basically means a person of Indian descent but who was born elsewhere --- especially in the northeastern United States.

If, in fact, his parents are immigrants from India, I would be incredibly surprised if he had never been to India because most likely his grandparents and aunts and uncles all live in India. When we were kids, going to India was an every-three to four year ritual and most other desis I know did the same thing. Most desis are first-generation Americans meaning that we have a great deal of pride in our status as Americans but there's also a lot of uncertainty because, in many places, we are the minority. I grew up in Alabama where I was one of two kids of Indian descent and I had so many other kids say things like, "Oh, so you worship cows, right?" Or "elephants roam through your country, don't they?" There's a classic example on the Office when Michael asks Kelly Kapoor if their Moroccan themed party reminds her "of home."

User avatar
J. T. SHEA
Moderator
Posts: 493
Joined: May 20th, 2010, 1:55 pm
Location: IRELAND
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words

Post by J. T. SHEA » April 16th, 2011, 2:12 pm

Interesting, Falls Apart. I love the first sentence. Talk about high concept right out of the gate! And it rhymes!

I first assumed a murderous reality show, but the word 'fictitious' does undercut that expectation.

As for Akila's point, perhaps you could call Rajan an Indian-American? My grandmother was born in the USA, my mother in Ireland, myself in the USA, and I live in Ireland. I filled out a census form yesterday and was tempted to list my nationality as 'Transatlantic'!

User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words

Post by Falls Apart » April 16th, 2011, 5:27 pm

Thanks for the advice! I'll try to work in more action, but, due to the setup of the game (one death every fifteen minutes) it'd be hard to get down to it right away, but I'll work on it. And, I honestly had no idea that calling him "Indian" could come off as offensive, and I'm very sorry that it did. About half the people I know/hang out with are of Indian descent, and they all refer to themselves like that but, in the area of the country I live in, people tend to identify by their ethnicities, and not by being American. So that's probably what through me off. I think I will go with the term "desi." Should it be capitalized, or no? And I'm not of Indian descent, but I do know how it can be with terminology people don't know is offensive . . . when one of my friends told me it was okay that I was bi since she "likes homos," I was about ready to hit her :) I will try to make the "fictitious" part clearer a bit earlier on. Thanks again!

User avatar
chvyg80
Posts: 24
Joined: April 16th, 2011, 3:49 am
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words

Post by chvyg80 » April 16th, 2011, 11:12 pm

I like the premise of the book, it's a gameshow...but as I was reading, my mind kept wondered back to the opening line. I wondered, 'why would anyone take a job to die, unless there is a chance to come back to life?'. There is a lot of discription in it, which I too had a lot of trouble with when I wrote my book; but I think that if you were to break it up and add some dialogue in there it will read better. Maybe Rajan can be thinking about some of this stuff as he's talking with someone or perhaps interviewing for the show. Then you can get the discription in there with out it seeming like an info dump.

All and all I think that this can be a great story, and I'm curious to see what happens to Rajan.

Chavone
Chavone
"The pains and struggles of my past are what has made me the beautiful person I am today"

akila
Posts: 31
Joined: April 13th, 2011, 6:02 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words

Post by akila » April 17th, 2011, 11:15 am

Falls Apart - I think you nailed it on the hand. It's honestly less about being offended and more about believability. If I got to that section, I would assume that you didn't know much about first-generation Indians living in the U.S., kind of like what your friend said to you about being bi --- it's just that she didn't get it (and get the difference). In your research on this book, I would definitely consider reading about the problems of self-identity that first-generation immigrants have. Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri is probably the best example I can give you because she beautifully explains how confusing it is to kind of be a part of two worlds, so that you never really know where you fit in. It seems hard to me to believe that he really doesn't care about his sidelines only identity because most teenage kids worry about where they fit in to this world and it can be particularly hard for someone who's parents are obviously different and will never really "fit in." Of course, the self-identity problem doesn't have to be a huge part of your book like it is in Lahiri's where it's the central focus since yours is YA Horror, but it might be a subtext that explains why he feels so average and awkward.

User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words

Post by Falls Apart » April 18th, 2011, 6:23 pm

I have officially ordered Namesake at the library :) And the whole "sidelines identity" thing actually does become a big deal later when they find out that this episode is (*dun dun dun*) real. Basically, since the viewers (who still think it's fake) are voting on who's going to die next, he realizes that he's essentially become a real-life red shirt, and that nobody in the audience is even noticing his character.
Also - I have taken the advice and am about to post the edited version. Thank you guys soooo much for all the help, and I would greatly appreciate opinions on the new version :)

AllieS
Posts: 125
Joined: March 3rd, 2011, 3:19 am
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by AllieS » April 18th, 2011, 6:46 pm

Thanks for the comment on my pages Falls Apart! I don't know much about horror, but I figured I'd give this a go.

I thought the first line really caught my attention, but like chvygo80, I wondered why anyone would take a job to die? I feel as though with that sort of statement you'd have to follow it up relatively quickly with an explanation (maybe that there's a good chance he'll survive, or he's just pretending to die, etc. You know the plot). There also seemed to be a few awkward phrases that could've run smoother: "He would be lacking in any sort of sense to snub what could pay for a fifth, depending on where he went, of his first year at college." The phrasing of that first half could be rearranged. The part about October being his classmate of two years: is that necessary? I think it would sound better without it, and I actually laughed at the "sort-of friend" part. And then there's the "Rajan was an average boy" part, which lost my interest. It's one of those describing paragraphs my mind wants to skip over completely.

And there's something about a kid going on a show where he will die that screams Hunger Games to me. I had that in the back of my mind ever since I read the first line.

That being said, there are some really funny parts in here where Rajan's voice jumps out at me, and I always expect that sort of humor to show up much later in a novel. I love that we get it from the beginning. His voice is what pulls me along to read. I do wish we'd get more info on what the show is in these 600 words, though. I'm still left confused about anyone's motives for signing up for death.

User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by Falls Apart » April 18th, 2011, 7:22 pm

Thanks, AllieS :) I was still logged in, so I was able to put in a bunch of editations you suggested. I guess I'm really, really bad at making it clear, since it's thrown a lot of people off: the TV show is fake. Nobody actually dies. So far as Rajan knows. (cue forboding background music). He signed up for it because it essentially is a cheesy Hunger Games ripoff, but it's a cheesy Hunger Games ripoff that pays well. So, I'm posting the rerewritten version, and I'm hoping that's more clear, and Rajan no longer sounds like a mercenary with no risk perception.

AllieS
Posts: 125
Joined: March 3rd, 2011, 3:19 am
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by AllieS » April 19th, 2011, 9:28 pm

Rajan Singhal got the invitation to die two weeks before he started his junior year at Newbridge High. It came in the same bulky, mustard-colored envelope that report cards and event notices did, the type that smelled like it had been kept in the back of an attic for at least five years, which, in all probability, it had. A pseudo-reality show with poor special effects and laughably put together death scenes, Inexorable may not have been high class entertainment, but Rajan accepted; it sounded like it could be fun and, at ten thousand dollars for a mere three hours of acting and one dramatic “murder,” the job would be lucrative even to a person who wasn’t dependent on a monthly allowance. But now, leaning against the chipped, weather-worn bricks of his school’s exterior and watching wispy cirrus clouds drift over the stars, he was starting to doubt his decision.

Glad you cleared up the confusion right in the beginning of the story.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want the money. He wasn’t financially able to turn down what could pay for a fifth, depending on where he went, of his first year at college. And it wasn’t shaping up to be boring, either; he’d never liked the eyesore the town insisted on calling a school—nobody did—but in the just-past-twilight darkness, it looked like a haunted mansion, a hideout for the worst sorts of ghosts, just the place you’d want to do this kind of thing. No, Rajan’s problem wasn’t with the job. His problem was with himself.

This seems too vague to include. You show down below how Rajan thinks he's too average for the show, so this is just telling.

“You’re pretty quiet,” October, his sort-of friend whom his parents had on seven times declared to be a bad influence, said, pulling him out of his thoughts. “What’s up?”

I like what you're saying, but this is too long. You could say something like, "You're pretty quiet." The voice of Rajan's sort-of friend, October, pulled him out of his thoughts. His parents had declared her to be a bad influence seven times.


Rajan looked at October, who was sitting beside him in the mulch that made a two foot wide border around the school building. With her blue-streaked hair, dark makeup, and black opera gloves laced up to her elbows, she looked like she should be doing lead guitar and backup vocals for a metalcore band in an obscure concert hall, not waiting outside a near-empty school at nine p.m. to act in a show she didn’t like. Would she understand his anxiety about becoming, in five minutes, the singular most boring character ever to appear on national television?

Probably not.

October Stradovska was the polar opposite of boring. Sometimes, she was fun in a pseudo-dangerous of way, like when she recorded a CD with fifteen minutes of silence followed by Danger: Wildman by TDWP, turned the boom box up to full blast, and hid it in the back of the history classroom while they were taking a test. Other times, she was obnoxious, like when she bruised your shins for making an innocent comment she somehow managed to interpret as sexist. And then there were the times when she was just plain weird, like how she ate her pizza with mashed potatoes on top. But she was never, and had never been, boring.

Rajan attempted a shrug. “Just wondering who’s going to die first.”

“Mm,” October said, her voice dripping with the sarcasm that often preceded one of her rants. “Sensationalized carnage in a world that doesn’t need any more glorifications of violence. A hundred and eighty minute long death-procession, the order being decided by the votes of a million viewers salivating over the dehumanizing gorn Should this be "gore"?, proving that you don’t need a plot to sell big; all you need is bad acting, fake blood, and a couple chicks in low-cut tops. Exciting, huh?”

Rajan managed a shaky smile and kept silent, wary of setting her off but also afraid that as soon as he opened his mouth, he’d start whining about he knew, for certain, without any doubt, that he would be the first to go.

He’d watched Inexorable before, every episode except the first two, which only a few people had. The one in the restaurant and the one in the beauty salon, those were the ones he’d missed. The Roche Brothers grocery store, the New Hampshire campground, the YMCA—the best one by far, in Rajan’s opinion—and the business office, he’d seen those. Four episodes times three hours made half of a full day spent watching it. More than enough time to realize that in no universe could somebody like him belong on this show.

Rajan was the type of boy you’d see on a missing child poster and know you wouldn’t recognize even if you did meet him, a sixteen-year-old Desi of medium height and weight who didn’t fit in with any of the school’s groups. His sidelines-only identity had never bothered him much before, but he was quickly realizing that being satisfied with his own personality wouldn’t make him an interesting character.

The characters on Inexorable were interesting; that was why it had gone from an obscure, poorly put together horror show to an international phenomenon that any CEO would sell their firstborn to get a thirty second commercial on. Interesting people in an interesting situation made for an interesting premise, and an interesting premise made for interested viewers, which was what every network was looking for. They wanted drama, soap-opera subplots for fans to gossip about in online chat rooms while deciding who should die next. They wanted new ideas, original plotlines, and, most of all, fresh characters. They did not want somebody like Rajan.

I like the changes!

User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by Falls Apart » April 20th, 2011, 3:07 pm

Thanks for the advice! And gorn actually was on purpose--it means extreme, sexualized violence. I think it was a bit of an exaggeration on October's part, but that's kind of how she is. :)

User avatar
chvyg80
Posts: 24
Joined: April 16th, 2011, 3:49 am
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by chvyg80 » April 25th, 2011, 3:47 am

I love the changes. You cleared my confusion I had about Rajan "wanting to die". The dialogue between Rajan and October is nice, and gives you an idea of who is as a person; you know people tend to talk the same way they think. (Now I wonder if I come off as a confused person).
Chavone
Chavone
"The pains and struggles of my past are what has made me the beautiful person I am today"

User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by Falls Apart » April 26th, 2011, 6:10 pm

Thanks :)

User avatar
bighockeyhair
Posts: 21
Joined: June 1st, 2011, 4:52 pm
Contact:

Re: YA Horror - 600 Words *Edited*

Post by bighockeyhair » June 6th, 2011, 12:42 am

This thread may be long dead, but hey, just in case you're still checking in I thought I'd give you my two cents. Also, I haven't looked at other people's feedback so there may or may not be some repetition here.


Rajan Singhal got the invitation to die two weeks before he started his junior year at Newbridge High. It came in the same bulky, mustard-colored envelope that report cards and event notices did, the type that smelled like it had been kept in the back of an attic for at least five years, which, in all probability, it had. A pseudo-reality show with poor special effects and laughably put together death scenes, Inexorable may not have been high class entertainment, but Rajan accepted; it sounded like it could be fun and, at ten thousand dollars for a mere three hours of acting and one dramatic “murder,” the job would be lucrative even to a person who wasn’t dependent on a monthly allowance. But now, leaning against the chipped, weather-worn bricks of his school’s exterior and watching wispy cirrus clouds drift over the stars, he was starting to doubt his decision.

So far really liking this. Good 1st paragraph. I tend to have a touch of ADHD so if you have me so far it's a good sign.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want the money. He wasn’t financially able to turn down what could pay for a fifth, depending on where he went, of his first year at college. better to be specific here. It may be stronger if he has a particular college in mind, preferably one that's expensive And it wasn’t shaping up to be boring, either; he’d never liked the eyesore the town insisted on calling a school—nobody did—but in the just-past-twilight darkness, it looked like a haunted mansion, a hideout for the worst sorts of ghosts, just the place you’d want to do this kind of thing. No, Rajan’s problem wasn’t with the job. His problem was with himself.

Hmm if this is a novel, there will be time to get in the characters head and learn more about them. The first few pages (in my opinion) should really be about moving things along.

“You’re pretty quiet,” October, his sort-of friend whom his parents had on seven times declared to be a bad influence,<--awkwardsaid, pulling him out of his thoughts. “What’s up?”

Rajan looked at October, who was sitting beside him in the mulch that made a two foot wide border around the school building. With her blue-streaked hair, dark makeup, and black opera gloves laced up to her elbows, she looked like she should be doing lead guitar and backup vocals for a metalcore band in an obscure concert hall, not waiting outside a near-empty school at nine p.m. to act in a show she didn’t like. Would she understand his anxiety about becoming, in five minutes, the singular most boring character ever to appear on national television?

Probably not.

October Stradovska was the polar opposite of boring. Sometimes, she was fun in a pseudo-dangerous of way, like when she recorded a CD with fifteen minutes of silence followed by Danger: Wildman by TDWP, turned the boom box up to full blast, and hid it in the back of the history classroom while they were taking a test. Other times, she was obnoxious, like when she bruised your shins for making an innocent comment she somehow managed to interpret as sexist. And then there were the times when she was just plain weird, like how she ate her pizza with mashed potatoes on top. But she was never, and had never been, boring. this is all background. I'd say to keep the intrigue move this to later in the story.

Rajan attempted a shrug. “Just wondering who’s going to die first.”

“Mm,” October said, her voice dripping with the sarcasm that often preceded one of her rants. “Sensationalized carnage in a world that doesn’t need any more glorifications of violence. <--cut A hundred and eighty minute long death-procession, the order being<--cut decided by the votes of a million viewers salivating over the dehumanizing gorn, proving that you don’t need a plot to sell big;<--cut all you need is bad acting, fake blood, and a couple chicks in low-cut tops. Exciting, huh?”

Rajan managed a shaky smile and kept silent, wary of setting her off but also afraid that as soon as he opened his mouth, he’d start whining about he knew, for certain, without any doubt, that he would be the first to go. missing a word or two here cause I'm not sure what you're trying to say

He’d watched almost every episode of Inexorable before, every episode except the first two, which only a few people had. <--cut The one in the restaurant and the one in the beauty salon, those <--cut were the ones he’d missed. The Roche Brothers grocery store, the New Hampshire campground, the YMCA—the best one by far, in Rajan’s opinion—and the business office, he’d seen those. Four episodes times three hours made half of a full day spent watching it. More than enough time to realize that in no universe could somebody like him belong on this show.
We don't yet really know what the show's about so this nostalgic look at past episodes is useless to your audience. cut it.

Rajan was the type of boy you’d see on a missing child poster and know you wouldn’t recognize even if you did meet him, a sixteen-year-old Desi of medium height and weight who didn’t fit in with any of the school’s groups. His sidelines-only identity had never bothered him much before, but he was quickly realizing that being satisfied with his own personality wouldn’t make him an interesting character.
The above paragraph is you telling us about your MC instead of showing us. Showing is better.

The characters on Inexorable were interesting; that was why it had gone from an obscure, poorly put together horror show to an international phenomenon that any CEO would sell their firstborn to get a thirty second commercial on. Interesting people in an interesting situation made for an interesting premise, and an interesting premise made for interested viewers, which was what every network was looking for. They wanted drama, soap-opera subplots for fans to gossip about in online chat rooms while deciding who should die next. They wanted new ideas, original plotlines, and, most of all, fresh characters. They did not want somebody like Rajan.
We still don't know the 'concept' of the game, so much of his concerns about being interesting seem to me at least, to fall a bit flat. Now if we understood things a bit better, without a whole lot of explanation (the show's got to have a sound bit, catchy hook), then there would be a more solid context. All we know is it's a game show and people die. How? Russian roulette? A la Running Man? So overall, this started off strong and then got puffy. Trim it back and stay on topic. More show, less tell and it'll be on track.
Image
Horror thriller author
My debut novel Malice is now available on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Malice-ebook/dp/B005QCC122

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest