Does this do the job?

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longknife

Does this do the job?

Post by longknife » February 20th, 2011, 2:18 pm

Well, I found some format errors and fixed those. But, it seems my sales pitch may not be doing the job. I guess you could call this a synopsis or perhaps the hook for a query. But, I'd appreciate any and all feedback on the following:

Tens of thousands crowds the streets of the Las Vegas Strip and downtown. They sing and dance to music blaring from the many neon-lit casinos, waiting the arrival of the new year. As the clock ticks down, so do other timing devices - hooked to deadly bombs filled with sharp objects and killing sarin gas. Due to leads provided by Jason Rourke, an ex-special operations soldier and Las Vegas cab driver, authorities have been made aware of the possibility. Will Jason's leads help stop the slaughter? Or will the evil designs of a major drug producer/distributor be carried out? Read BLOOD IN THE MEADOWS to find out.

longknife

Re: Does this do the job?

Post by longknife » February 21st, 2011, 11:49 am

Just posting this revision to see if it works better --

.
Clock hands slowly tick toward the fireworks lit celebration of New Year's Eve on the Las Vegas Strip. Tens of thousands of happy revelers press against one another, dancing to music blaring from neon-lit casinos.

Other clocks also tick. Clocks affixed to bombs filled with nails, ball bearings, glass shards and deadly Sarin gas. Thousands will die or be maimed if something is not done to stop the plan of a drug lord seeking revenge for the death of his son at the hand of local and federal agents. The mastermind is a well-trained individual who once served in the military of a South American country.

Jason Rourke, an ex-special operations soldier has heard and seen disturbing things that alerted him to the possibility of the attack upon innocent civilians. He and Lupe Sonora, a local TV reporter, have alerted the authorities but only received a warning to keep out of it. Can Jason and Lupe root out the details of the plot and stop the massacre?

BLOOD IN THE MEADOWS is a non-stop thriller you won’t be able to put down.

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GaoYuQing
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Re: Does this do the job?

Post by GaoYuQing » February 21st, 2011, 12:29 pm

You'd probably have better luck by posting this in the synopsis or query thread.
lvcabbie wrote:Just posting this revision to see if it works better --

.
Clock hands slowly tick toward the fireworks-lit celebration of New Year's Eve on the Las Vegas Strip. Tens of thousands of happy revelers press against one another, dancing to music blaring from neon-lit casinos.

Other clocks also tick. Clocks affixed to bombs this first part seems a little purple. Don't try to be overly dramatic, just writefilled with nails, ball bearings, glass shards and deadly Sarin gasdo we really need the list of ingredients? try simplifying the contents by saying "deadly projectiles" or the like, though in this case you'd have to change the adjective applied to the gas. Thousands will die or be maimed if something is not done to stop the plan of a drug lord seeking revenge for the death of his son at the hand of local and federal agents. This sentence seems a little overdone and confusing. Too much info in too little timeThe mastermind is a well-trained individual"well-trained individual" almost sounds too mild. wouldn't "urban terrorist" or "guerrila fighter" of the like give more of an impact? a dentist is a well-trained individual. who once served in the military of a South American country. do we need to know where he served? is it relevant? does it add anything?

Jason Rourke, an ex-special operations soldier has heard and seen disturbing things "heard and seen disturbing things"? can we oomph this up a bit? maybe an example? I've heard and seen disturbing things too, I watch the news.that alerted him to the possibility of the attack upon innocent civilians. the sentence seems a bit over-worked and underplayedHe and Lupe Sonora, a local TV reporter, have alerted the authorities but only received a warning to keep out of it. Can Jason and Lupe root out the details of the plot and stop the massacre?

BLOOD IN THE MEADOWS is a non-stop thriller you won’t be able to put down.ohhh, this is a classic no no. never ever tell a publisher or agent this. eeevvvveeeerrrrrrr!
I think it's possible you might have something here, but the delivery seems bland and ho-hum. also, if this is for a query, you might want to include word count.

longknife

Re: Does this do the job?

Post by longknife » February 22nd, 2011, 11:03 am

Thanks for the feedback.
It's not a query but a blurb like you would find on the back cover of a book.

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