Unknown a story in progress

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stardust77
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Unknown a story in progress

Post by stardust77 » January 27th, 2011, 11:16 pm

This is the start of a story that I have recently pulled back out, I had put it away for awhile. As with most things in life when you have something stuck in your head that wants to wrok it way out onto to paper it becomes hard to ignore. Slowly I am convincing myself this going somewhere. Here is a small glimpse into my start.. Enjoy, and thanks for looking!
Stardust


I never gave much thought to how I would die necessarily.. I just knew at some point it would be inevitable as most things are in life- but I would be ready with my arms wide open to greet death like an old friend I hadn’t seen in years…. I never expected death to be so difficult, I always thought it was quick, much like sleeping. Shouldn’t death be easy, especially when the one you love is waiting just around the corner of the haze that pulled you under in the first place?


Chapter One-

Watching the sun rise on a calm October morning in the wake of a crisp autumn, I can only hope that I will get through today and many more to come. The nights are no longer my safe haven, as I spend most of them awake, and terrified of dreams that I cannot comprehend, or even explain. I hear the alarm clock going off, but it makes no difference, I don’t need it and have not needed it for almost a year.

The early morning hours are the hardest for me.

“Kaliegh?”

“Yes, mom?”

“Just wondering where you are?”
“ Out on the porch”, Same as every morning I thought to myself. My mother as I shake my head. She was no stranger to misery or heartache. But given what life has thrown at her, she is easygoing, loving, and way to trusting. I admit I almost feel bad for deceiving her but I have to go, it may be my only chance. Going to London of course was my mom’s idea to begin with, her sister lives out there, but I had other reasons for going there that centered around Jason.

“Kayliegh, you better get upstairs, and finish packing because we are going to have to be leaving for the airport this evening.”

“Ok mom, I am on it.”

Even though I am eight-teen I feel like I am thirty. I feel weary, and withered, and too weak for the task at hand. I needed to get into the shower and wake up.

I walked up the stairs to the way oversized bathroom and started the water. The sound of the water calmed my racing heart, and brought a sad smile to my lips. Standing in the shower I let the water run very hot. It is then I start to think of him, my Jason. He’s tall; he’s beautiful, and just so strong. The last time I saw him which was a year ago- things weren’t so good. I remember it like it was yesterday.

D.T.Roberts
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by D.T.Roberts » January 28th, 2011, 7:05 pm

stardust77 wrote:This is the start of a story that I have recently pulled back out, I had put it away for awhile. As with most things in life when you have something stuck in your head that wants to wrok it way out onto to paper it becomes hard to ignore. Slowly I am convincing myself this going somewhere. Here is a small glimpse into my start.. Enjoy, and thanks for looking!
Stardust


I never gave much thought to how I would die necessarily.. I just knew at some point it would be inevitable as most things are in life- but I would be ready with my arms wide open to greet death like an old friend I hadn’t seen in years…. I never expected death to be so difficult, I always thought it was quick, much like sleeping. Shouldn’t death be easy, especially when the one you love is waiting just around the corner of the haze that pulled you under in the first place?


Chapter One-

Watching the sun rise on a calm October morning in the wake of a crisp autumn, I can only hope that I will get through today. I like this opening line. and many more to come.This part is not needed. The nights are no longer my safe haven, as I spend most of them awake, and terrified of dreams that I cannot comprehend, or even explain. This sentence seems off. Comprehending would be a prerequisite to explaining. I would change the 'even' to 'much less'. Dreams that I cannot comprehend, much less explain.' I hear the alarm clock going off, but it makes no difference, I don’t need it and have not needed it for almost a year.

The early morning hours are the hardest for me.

“Kaliegh?”

“Yes, mom?”

“Just wondering where you are?”At this point I wasn't sure if the MC is Mom or Kaliegh. Even though it's clear in the next paragraph.
“ Out on the porch”, Same as every morning I thought to myself. I would eliminate the 'I thought to myself' and just go with italics on the 'Same as every morning. My mother as I shake my head.????? She was no stranger to misery or heartache. But given what life has thrown at her, she is easygoing, loving, and way to trusting. I admit I almost feel bad for deceiving her but I have to go, it may be my only chance.You mention deception but don't give a clue of what that is. Going to London of course was my mom’s idea to begin with, her sister lives out there, but I had other reasons for going there that centered around Jason.

“Kayliegh, you better get upstairs, and finish packing because we are going to have to be leaving for the airport this evening.”

“Ok mom, I am on it.”

Even though I am eight-teen I feel like I am thirty. I feel weary, and withered, and too weak for the task at hand.What is the task? I needed to get into the shower and wake up.

I walked up the stairs to the way oversized bathroom and started the water. The sound of the water calmed my racing heart, and brought a sad smile to my lips. Standing in the shower I let the water run very hot. It is then I start to think of him, my Jason. He’s tall; he’s beautiful, and just so strong. The last time I saw him which was a year ago- things weren’t so good. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I'm not sure about the deception part. What is the deception. Is she not really going to London?
What I get from this is the MC is an eighteen year old who misses her boyfriend and her mother is sending her to London. Other than that I can't tell much about the story.

I'm not trying to be too critical. Just trying to be honest and helpful.
I hope this helps.
It has been said that writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

stardust77
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by stardust77 » January 28th, 2011, 11:23 pm

D.t.
Thank you so much and that is exactly what I needed, dont worry about being critical. Its how I will get better. I am glad I caught your attention. I haven't been on writing forums to much but I hope to give good feed back as you just did for me. Again, thank you for a bit of your time and interest!

Stardust

Emily J
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by Emily J » January 29th, 2011, 2:10 pm

stardust77 wrote:This is the start of a story that I have recently pulled back out, I had put it away for awhile. As with most things in life when you have something stuck in your head that wants to wrok it way out onto to paper it becomes hard to ignore. Slowly I am convincing myself this going somewhere. Here is a small glimpse into my start.. Enjoy, and thanks for looking!
Stardust


I never gave much thought to how I would die necessarily..`ellipses (which I dislike on principle) have three periods I just knew at some point it would be inevitable as most things are in life- but I would be ready with my arms wide open to greet death like an old friend I hadn’t seen in years…. <- ??? an ellipsis and a period? that's odd, and non-standard usage I would guess, also the "death like an old friend" thing I have heard somewhere before I never expected death to be so difficult, <-- comma not good enough here, you need a conjunction or to replace comma with semi-colon I think I always thought it was quick, much like sleeping. Shouldn’t death be easy, especially when the one you love is waiting just around the corner of the haze that pulled you under in the first place?


Chapter One-

Watching the sun rise on a calm October morning in the wake of a crisp autumn, I can only hope that I will get through today and many more to come. <-- hmm first sentence reads a bit awkward to me, I think there might just be too many prepositions The nights are no longer my safe haven, as I spend most of them awake, and <-- i would drop "and" here terrified of dreams that I cannot comprehend, or even explain. I hear the alarm clock going off, but it makes no difference, I don’t need it and have not needed it for almost a year.

The early morning hours are the hardest for me.

“Kaliegh?”

“Yes, mom?”

“Just wondering where you are?”
“ Out on the porch”, if you are British don't mind me, but punctuation inside quotation marks please! Same as every morning I thought to myself. My mother as I shake my head. <-- ??? sentence fragment? I'm a bit lost She was no stranger to misery or heartache. But given what life has thrown at her, she is what tense are we using? thought is past tense, but now we are in present tense easygoing, loving, and way to too? trusting. I admit I almost feel bad for deceiving her but I have to go, it may be my only chance. Going to London of course <-- would drop "of course" was my mom’s idea to begin with, her sister lives out there, but I had other reasons for going there that centered around Jason.

“Kayliegh, you changed the spelling of this name! you better get upstairs, awkward comma and finish packing because we are going to have to be leaving for the airport this evening.”

“Ok mom, I am on it.”

Even though I am eight-teen eighteen? I feel like I am thirty. I feel weary, and withered, and too weak for the task at hand. I needed to get into the shower and wake up.

I walked up the stairs to the way oversized over-sized bathroom and started the water. The sound of the water calmed my racing heart, and brought a sad smile to my lips. Standing in the shower I let the water run very hot. It is then I start to think tenses changing again of him, my Jason. He’s tall; <-- here a semi-colon isn't your best choice he’s beautiful, and just so strong. The last time I saw him which was a year ago- things weren’t so good. I remember it like it was yesterday. a bit cliche here
I think you need to do some editing here for grammar, spelling, tenses etc. I found myself getting pulled out of the story because of these issues. Maybe share this with a friend as a new set of eyes is always helpful when proof-reading!

mnaylor3
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by mnaylor3 » January 31st, 2011, 10:01 am

I like the premise. A heartbroken girl goes on a trip. Sounds interesting.

One thing I'd do is read all the dialogue out loud to see if it flows predictably. Try reading this sentence out loud:
“Kayliegh, you better get upstairs, and finish packing because we are going to have to be leaving for the airport this evening.”
See what I mean?

Keep at it,

D.T.Roberts
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by D.T.Roberts » January 31st, 2011, 8:10 pm

Stardust,
One of the main benefits to offering critiques on other's work is, it will help you look at your own work with a more critical eye. I reccomend that you do as many critiques as you can.
mnaylor make a good point. If a line is awkward to read out loud, it will be awkward for your readers.
It has been said that writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

stardust77
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by stardust77 » January 31st, 2011, 10:19 pm

ALl of you thank you for taking a few minutes helping to work at my efforts a little better. I will make revisions and of course pick the correct tense to use. I think I will make sure things are polished a bit better before posting. My apologies as I am sure it is seen as sloppy and annoying.

Thanks Stardust77

Emily J
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by Emily J » February 1st, 2011, 11:04 pm

stardust77 wrote:ALl of you thank you for taking a few minutes helping to work at my efforts a little better. I will make revisions and of course pick the correct tense to use. I think I will make sure things are polished a bit better before posting. My apologies as I am sure it is seen as sloppy and annoying.

Thanks Stardust77
Don't be too hard on yourself!! We are all hear to learn and improve our craft your except wasn't sloppy or annoying!! Don't think that! I hope I didn't discourage you or anything or come across as too harsh. I am often without tact and always without grace (seriously I'm a klutz). But keep posting so that you can keep getting feedback! :)

stardust77
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Re: Unknown a story in progress

Post by stardust77 » February 7th, 2011, 8:37 pm

Emily -

Your fine. Sorry my response is delayed. Been working a lot and then dealing with kids on top of it. Sometimes I just need an escape which helps me work through what ever I am struggling with. And beyond all that I need the critism anyway. Writing for me is like a game to a gamer, it presents a challenge in a way, but in another way its about telling a story and hoping that you have enough of a talent or a gift to share with other people. Or for others its hoping to hit it big in a certain genere (sp) that provides them with money. For me it just merely having the opportunity to enhance the craft to a point where I can easily entertain someone with a story even if it is just for a little while. Really your not a klutz your just being honest :) Look for an update later when I have time to make some corrections, heck I may throw something new in too just for fun.

Stardust

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