Excerpt - Possessed Novel

[saraflower]

This is the first part of my first chapter. Please let me know what you think. Thank you! :)

If this isn't a dream, then I must be mad.
Gabriel looked over his shoulder. The dark silhouette of the ghostlike horseman was closer than before.
He kicked his mare's heaving sides.
It had become nearly too dark to be racing through the woods at such a pace, but he had to get away.
The mounted pursuer was almost beside them now.
Gabriel turned and hacked at the man`s right hand. It severed.
The man did not utter a sound. He stopped his horse and leaped from the saddle.
Gabriel dropped the weapon and brought his horse to a gallop.
The horse whinnied before coming to an abrupt stop.
They had nearly gone over a cliff.
Gabriel squinted as he tried to make out the form of his pursuer. The man stood beside his horse.
He placed his fallen hand back on his wrist where it remained, as if never detached.
The fingers moved as the man laughed. His voice echoed menacingly throughout the night air.
Gabriel thought of Adeline. She was out there. Alone.
The living nightmare had begun with that room. The place that he should have never stepped foot in.

[Down the well]

[quote="saraflower"

If this isn't a dream, then I must be mad.
Gabriel looked over his shoulder. The dark silhouette of the ghostlike horseman was closer than before.
He kicked his mare's heaving sides. <<who kicked the horse? Gabriel or the ghostlike horseman?
It had become nearly was too dark to be racing through the woods at such a pace, but he had to get away.
The mounted pursuer was almost beside them now. << who are "they"? So far I only know about Gabriel.
Gabriel turned and hacked at the man`s right hand. with what? A machete? A sword? An axe? It severed.
The man did not utter a sound. He stopped his horse and leaped from the saddle.
Gabriel dropped the weapon and brought his horse to a gallop.
The horse whinnied before coming to an abrupt stop.
They had nearly gone over a cliff. << These sentences are all very abrupt and don't really help me visualize the scene.
Gabriel squinted as he tried to make out the form of his pursuer. The man stood beside his horse.
He placed his fallen hand back on his wrist where it remained, as if never detached. << if Gabriel is squinting and trying to make out the form of his pursuer, how can he see a detail like the man moving his fingers and reattaching his hand to his wrist?
The fingers moved as the man laughed. His voice echoed menacingly throughout the night air.
Gabriel thought of Adeline. She was out there. Alone. << I need more than this to care about Adeline.
The living nightmare had begun with that room. The place that he should have never stepped foot in.[/quote]



Your opening has a nice Ichabod Crane sort of feel, but I do think it lacks in specificity. There is a lot of telling going on here and not a lot of insight into Gabriel's POV. I don't quite get the sentence structure either. I don't know if it's just the way you posted it or if you have it written like that, but it doesn't follow conventional paragraph form. Is that intentional? And the sentences are very short and choppy, which usually works well for getting through an action scene, but I think for an opening you might try taking your time and building up some tension with a little more description of your setting and some depth to your character's emotions/reactions. Let us get invested in your character Gabriel right from the start. Make us care whether or not he gets away from this bad guy. Same goes for Adeline. I hope this helps. With a little more fleshing out I think this could be an intriguing opening.

[wordranger]

Saraflower:

I think you have in your mind a really good sence of what your scene looks like. The problem is, you are not telling us your story, yet. This really feels more like an outline. This may work well later in the story during an action sequence, but for your first page, I think it puts the reader off a little. You need some more description (That does not mean get all JRR Tolkeinly) Just a little more to give us a feel of the scene. Also, just a little tidbit to make us like, or not like, each of the characters. I'd try to expand this, and really try to give the reader a feel for who the character is, and what is going on.

Again... this does not mean to go nuts with description. You want to keep it moving.

Also, I'd try to make this flow better. Down the Wall said it was "choppy", and I agree. You may have meant it to be that way, but when I read it, it just didn't work for me. Try reading it out loud to yourself and see if it sounds right to you. Even better, get someone who has not read it before to read it out loud to you, and see if they hesitate where you did not intend it to "hesitate."

With a little "love" this could be a really compelling opening. I'd give it some time and thought, and use your words to really draw us in to your world.

Good luck!

[saraflower]

Thank you guys! :)