Possessed - First two pages of Chapter One

Post excerpts from your works in progress and give feedback to your fellow writers.
Post Reply
saraflower
Posts: 106
Joined: October 28th, 2010, 10:58 am
Location: Canada
Contact:

Possessed - First two pages of Chapter One

Post by saraflower » November 6th, 2010, 3:00 pm

I decided not to do a prologue, but rather put in a small excerpt from a later chapter in the book to hint at what will happen later. Let me know what you think about the idea along with any other suggestions.

Thanks! :)

Possessed - Chapter One

If this isn't a dream, then I really am mad.
Gabriel looked over his shoulder. The dark silhouette of the ghostlike horseman was closer than before.
Gabriel kicked his mare's heaving sides.
It had become nearly too dark to be racing through the woods at such a pace, but he had to get away.
The mounted madman was almost beside them now.
Gabriel turned and hacked at the man`s right hand. It severed.
The man did not utter a sound, but he stopped his horse.
Gabriel dropped the weapon and brought his horse to a gallop.
The horse squealed and came to an abrupt stop.
They had nearly went over a cliff.
Gabriel squinted as he tried to make out the form of his pursuer. The man stood beside his horse.
He placed his fallen hand back on his wrist. It stayed there.
The fingers moved. The man laughed. His voice echoed menacingly throughout the crisp air.
He thought of Adeline. She was still out there. Alone.
The living nightmare had begun with that room. The room that he should have never stepped foot in.
************************************************************************
A cool breeze rushed past Adeline Bell. In the corner of her eye, something moved.
Adeline peeled her eyes away from the chalkboard.
There was nothing there.
Adeline sighed. She set her feathered quill down on the solid oak desk.
Across the room, Julia Brooks, Adeline`s governess, gazed out the window at the foggy moors. She did not seem to notice anything.
Maybe all this arithmetic is messing up my brain.
“Miss Brooks?” Adeline whispered.
“Oh. Forgive me, Addie,” said Julia.
Adeline smiled.
“I was wondering if I could take a break from these tiresome numbers.”
“Perhaps a walk about the grounds is in order,” suggested the youthful teacher.
“That might not be a good idea,” said Adeline, “My aunt is entertaining her guests on the porch for lunch.”
With a disappointed sigh, Julia took a turn about the room. At twenty six years of age, Julia still had the spirit of someone that was Adeline`s age. They had known one another for merely two weeks, but they had already become good friends.
Despite Julia’s drab teaching attire, she was beautiful. Miss Brooks was tall and slender with smooth, creamy skin, sharp gray eyes, and thick brown hair. It made Adeline want to wish away her freckles and mousy coloured hair.
“I suppose you can work on your piano,” Julia said.
Adeline went to her piano bench. She traced some of the keys with her fingers.

LaylaF
Posts: 19
Joined: August 17th, 2010, 12:11 pm
Contact:

Re: Possessed - First two pages of Chapter One

Post by LaylaF » November 6th, 2010, 5:46 pm

Possessed - Chapter One

If this isn't a dream, then I really am must be mad.

Gabriel looked over his shoulder. The dark silhouette of the ghostlike horseman was closer than before.
Gabriel He kicked his mare's heaving sides. It had become nearly too dark to be racing through the woods at such a pace, but he had to get away. The mounted madman is there a better word for the chaser than madman? was almost beside them now.
Gabriel turned and hacked at the man`s right hand. It severed.
The man did not utter a sound, but he stopped his horse. Awkward sentenceGabriel dropped the weapon and brought his horse to a gallop.
The horse squealed and do horses squeal? came to an abrupt stop.
They had nearly went gone over a cliff.
Gabriel squinted as he tried to make out the form of his pursuer. The man stood beside his horse.
He placed his fallen hand back on his wrist.It stayed there. where it remained, as if never detached.The fingers moved as. Thethe man laughed. Hishisvoice echoed echoing menacingly throughout the crisp nightair.
He thought of Adeline. She was still out there. Alone.
The living nightmare had begun with that room. The room that he should have never stepped foot in.
************************************************************************
A cool breeze rushed past Adeline Bell. In the corner of her eye, something moved.
Adeline peeled her eyes away from the chalkboard.
There was nothing there.
Adeline sighed. She set her feathered quill down on the solid oak desk.
Across the room, Julia Brooks, Adeline`s governess, gazed out the window at the foggy moors. She did not seem to notice anything.
Maybe all this arithmetic is messing up my brain.
“Miss Brooks?” Adeline whispered.
“Oh. Forgive me, Addie,” said Julia.
Adeline smiled.
“I was wondering if I could take a break from these tiresome numbers.”
“Perhaps a walk about the grounds is in order,” suggested the youthfulherteacher.
“That might not be a good idea,” said Adeline, “My aunt is entertaining her guests on the porch for lunch.”
With a disappointed sigh, Julia took a turn about the room. At twenty six years of age, Julia still had the spirit of someone that was Adeline`s age. They had known one another for merely two weeks, but they had already become good friends.
Despite Julia’s drab teaching attire, she was beautiful. Miss Brooks was tall and slender with smooth, creamy skin, sharp gray eyes, and thick brown hair. It made Adeline want to wish away her freckles and mousy coloured hair.
“I suppose you can work on your piano,” Julia said.
Adeline went to her piano bench. She traced some of the keys with her fingers.

(This is my first time trying to use the strikeout/red insert, so I may not have done it right. Sorry if I didn't. But hopefully it will make sense when I submit it.)

Anyway...I really liked reading your excerpt. I liked the little beginning/not a prologue...forgot what you called it...but I have to admit I didn't totally get it while I was reading it the first time and then went thru and redlined it and then it made sense to me. So I'm not sure if it's my changes or if it's because I studied it carefully. But I definetly liked the transition from the urgency of the night chase to the start of the story in Adeline's house. And her life and relationship w/Julia intrigued me. I wanted to read more. It sounds like the start of something that I would enjoy. thanks for sharing.

saraflower
Posts: 106
Joined: October 28th, 2010, 10:58 am
Location: Canada
Contact:

Re: Possessed - First two pages of Chapter One

Post by saraflower » November 7th, 2010, 7:15 pm

LaylaF wrote: (This is my first time trying to use the strikeout/red insert, so I may not have done it right. Sorry if I didn't. But hopefully it will make sense when I submit it.)

Anyway...I really liked reading your excerpt. I liked the little beginning/not a prologue...forgot what you called it...but I have to admit I didn't totally get it while I was reading it the first time and then went thru and redlined it and then it made sense to me. So I'm not sure if it's my changes or if it's because I studied it carefully. But I definetly liked the transition from the urgency of the night chase to the start of the story in Adeline's house. And her life and relationship w/Julia intrigued me. I wanted to read more. It sounds like the start of something that I would enjoy. thanks for sharing.
Thank you! :)

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests