Fantasy novel 1st page
Posted: September 20th, 2010, 8:14 pm
Hello!
I got such great feedback on my query attempt I decided to submit my 1st page as well. Clunky or unclear prose? Telling vs. showing? Boring or cliche? Would you turn the page? Any comments, suggestions, etc. welcome. Thanks for taking a look, and I'll be happy to return the review!
***
Ravenel ran, and it seemed as if the land itself was trying to stop her. Vines hidden in the ankle-length grass snagged against her black robes, grasping like fingers. Thorns needled into the flesh of her bare feet. She didn’t slow. Behind her, hounds barked and soldiers shouted and the shrill blare of their drake-steeds echoed in the air. If they caught her, they would kill her, and they would take her heart. Tied to her waist, a pouch, heavy and wet, swished against her leg.
“Fool, fool, fool!” she told herself, wiping the tears from her eyes. She would have been safer hiding in the dark alleys of Harkelo Hall. Why had she thought she could safely flee through this field of weeds?
Then came the dull twang of crossbows.
Steel bolts whistled by her, towards the looming woods. Cradled over the jagged line of elder pines, the blood-red sun burnished her with its light. The trees cast a serrated line of shadows across the field, its edge not more than fifty paces away. Exhausted, Ravenel’s legs threatened to collapse under her. She grit her teeth and quickened her pacing, determined to reach the darkness, to escape the sun’s waning light. In the light, she was vulnerable—if only she could reach the shadows—
Something jolted her shoulder. Ravenel cried out at the flare of pain. She stumbled but quickly recovered her footing. A razor-tipped shaft, glistening with blood, poked from her robes. Shivers coursed her spine as she imagined the next quarrel punching through the back of her head.
I got such great feedback on my query attempt I decided to submit my 1st page as well. Clunky or unclear prose? Telling vs. showing? Boring or cliche? Would you turn the page? Any comments, suggestions, etc. welcome. Thanks for taking a look, and I'll be happy to return the review!
***
Ravenel ran, and it seemed as if the land itself was trying to stop her. Vines hidden in the ankle-length grass snagged against her black robes, grasping like fingers. Thorns needled into the flesh of her bare feet. She didn’t slow. Behind her, hounds barked and soldiers shouted and the shrill blare of their drake-steeds echoed in the air. If they caught her, they would kill her, and they would take her heart. Tied to her waist, a pouch, heavy and wet, swished against her leg.
“Fool, fool, fool!” she told herself, wiping the tears from her eyes. She would have been safer hiding in the dark alleys of Harkelo Hall. Why had she thought she could safely flee through this field of weeds?
Then came the dull twang of crossbows.
Steel bolts whistled by her, towards the looming woods. Cradled over the jagged line of elder pines, the blood-red sun burnished her with its light. The trees cast a serrated line of shadows across the field, its edge not more than fifty paces away. Exhausted, Ravenel’s legs threatened to collapse under her. She grit her teeth and quickened her pacing, determined to reach the darkness, to escape the sun’s waning light. In the light, she was vulnerable—if only she could reach the shadows—
Something jolted her shoulder. Ravenel cried out at the flare of pain. She stumbled but quickly recovered her footing. A razor-tipped shaft, glistening with blood, poked from her robes. Shivers coursed her spine as she imagined the next quarrel punching through the back of her head.