YA - adventure/mystery - 1/4 Chapter 12
Posted: September 7th, 2010, 4:08 pm
I was just wondering if my written English has improved from chapter one (written in December 09) to chapter 12 (written recently). I know my English speech has improved, as I don't have to substitute some English words with Norwegian ones, when I talk to my family.
In chapter one I mixed the past with the present. Also I have been told I use a lot of author surrogacy (the reoccuring words I/my/me).
And of course I would like to hear your general thoughts of the first quarter of chapter twelve. (Here is chapter one: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=2110)
It was a strange feeling standing in Stevens embrace; In one way I felt uncomfortable, as it felt like he was claiming me. In another way I felt petrified of him, because I was so uncertain of him and his mood swings. But in a third way – I really liked it! Not in a romancy lovey dovey way, but in a safe and wanted way. It was the same feeling I’d had the first night Derrick had kept me company on the beach. I didn’t know how to react on him holding me; I wanted to let go, but something wouldn’t let me. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to go digging in to anybodies past, but I guessed that if I was going to do it, then this was the perfect opportunity – and he still hadn’t told me who that boy in the car was. To be honest I wasn’t sure that I needed to know, but an itchy, annoying feeling forced me to know the answer. So I went for it: “The guy in the car…” I whispered, but as soon as it was out, he let go of me and backed away, leaning against a couch. I didn’t even need to ask who he was, he already knew that that was what I wanted to know.
Steven stared at me intently, and I hoped he was wondering whether to tell me or not. Finally he shook his head defeatedely, he must have realized I wouldn’t give up before I knew. “He was a guy I knew a while back” he said finally. “And how did you know him?” I pushed, meaning for him to understand that this was a tell all or nothing moment. “He used to be a friend” he said, stuttering on the last word. “He helped me out once when I was in trouble, so I told him that I was forever in debt to him. But if you ask me he took that much too literally” he said, turning his head down in a poor attempt to conceal a fury burning in his cheeks. “How?” I asked, but Steven didn’t answer straight away, instead he procrastinated the answer, wandering around the room and fixing some pillows which nobody could care less how looked. I eyed him suspiciously, nudging my head in his direction in demand for and answer. “Look, I don’t want to talk about this, you already know too much.” he said and continued “I don’t want you to be more a part of this than you already are”. “Well what if I want to be a part of it?” I called for, which for some reason forced Stevens’ lips to part upwards: “Trust me: You don’t” he told me. But this wasn’t enough, I still didn’t have my answers. “Try me!” I said, and he was quick to reply: “God, would you just give it up?! You have a baby to take care of. A life! Do you really want it to be involved in our secrets?”
His voice had evolved from a hush to low shouting, and Derrick shifted on the couch. I couldn’t decide weather he was talking about “us” as in we two, or everybody occupying the house. But he was determined to not tell me more, and I was determined to not let it go.
I looked over at Derrick who still was breathing heavily, and ordered Steven in to the kitchen. “You gonna help me?” I asked, when he was halfway there. He huffed and turned back to give me a hand, leading me to one of the chairs around the table. He grabbed a drink from the fridge and went to stand by the sink. “Could you at least tell me his name?” I asked. He finished off his drink and licked the remainder from his lips, and then he put the corkscrew back on. “His name is Michael” said Steven. That sickly feeling emerged in my stomach. Every hair from the top of my scalp to the tiniest toe was standing up from my skin, forcing a shiver to run down my spine. “M-Michael?” I stuttered. The name I had dreamt, surely this must be some extraordinary coincidence? I’d never seen him before, so I couldn’t know his name, and I’d never met him. Also Steven said that he didn’t want me to be a part of it, so if I did know Michael, then Steven wouldn’t be saying that I shouldn’t be a part of it, because then I would already be a part of it. A hundred thoughts span through my head making it impossible to think clearly. Thinking in itself just made it all worse, so I tried to block out all thoughts and concentrate on Steven instead, who now was looking at me with an eerie touch of enlightenment across his face. “What?” He demanded angrily, my reaction must have caught his attention. “Nothing” I stuttered, but both him and I knew that was a lie. I tried to bow my head down to hide my face, but it was already too late, I’d given myself away.
In chapter one I mixed the past with the present. Also I have been told I use a lot of author surrogacy (the reoccuring words I/my/me).
And of course I would like to hear your general thoughts of the first quarter of chapter twelve. (Here is chapter one: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=2110)
It was a strange feeling standing in Stevens embrace; In one way I felt uncomfortable, as it felt like he was claiming me. In another way I felt petrified of him, because I was so uncertain of him and his mood swings. But in a third way – I really liked it! Not in a romancy lovey dovey way, but in a safe and wanted way. It was the same feeling I’d had the first night Derrick had kept me company on the beach. I didn’t know how to react on him holding me; I wanted to let go, but something wouldn’t let me. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to go digging in to anybodies past, but I guessed that if I was going to do it, then this was the perfect opportunity – and he still hadn’t told me who that boy in the car was. To be honest I wasn’t sure that I needed to know, but an itchy, annoying feeling forced me to know the answer. So I went for it: “The guy in the car…” I whispered, but as soon as it was out, he let go of me and backed away, leaning against a couch. I didn’t even need to ask who he was, he already knew that that was what I wanted to know.
Steven stared at me intently, and I hoped he was wondering whether to tell me or not. Finally he shook his head defeatedely, he must have realized I wouldn’t give up before I knew. “He was a guy I knew a while back” he said finally. “And how did you know him?” I pushed, meaning for him to understand that this was a tell all or nothing moment. “He used to be a friend” he said, stuttering on the last word. “He helped me out once when I was in trouble, so I told him that I was forever in debt to him. But if you ask me he took that much too literally” he said, turning his head down in a poor attempt to conceal a fury burning in his cheeks. “How?” I asked, but Steven didn’t answer straight away, instead he procrastinated the answer, wandering around the room and fixing some pillows which nobody could care less how looked. I eyed him suspiciously, nudging my head in his direction in demand for and answer. “Look, I don’t want to talk about this, you already know too much.” he said and continued “I don’t want you to be more a part of this than you already are”. “Well what if I want to be a part of it?” I called for, which for some reason forced Stevens’ lips to part upwards: “Trust me: You don’t” he told me. But this wasn’t enough, I still didn’t have my answers. “Try me!” I said, and he was quick to reply: “God, would you just give it up?! You have a baby to take care of. A life! Do you really want it to be involved in our secrets?”
His voice had evolved from a hush to low shouting, and Derrick shifted on the couch. I couldn’t decide weather he was talking about “us” as in we two, or everybody occupying the house. But he was determined to not tell me more, and I was determined to not let it go.
I looked over at Derrick who still was breathing heavily, and ordered Steven in to the kitchen. “You gonna help me?” I asked, when he was halfway there. He huffed and turned back to give me a hand, leading me to one of the chairs around the table. He grabbed a drink from the fridge and went to stand by the sink. “Could you at least tell me his name?” I asked. He finished off his drink and licked the remainder from his lips, and then he put the corkscrew back on. “His name is Michael” said Steven. That sickly feeling emerged in my stomach. Every hair from the top of my scalp to the tiniest toe was standing up from my skin, forcing a shiver to run down my spine. “M-Michael?” I stuttered. The name I had dreamt, surely this must be some extraordinary coincidence? I’d never seen him before, so I couldn’t know his name, and I’d never met him. Also Steven said that he didn’t want me to be a part of it, so if I did know Michael, then Steven wouldn’t be saying that I shouldn’t be a part of it, because then I would already be a part of it. A hundred thoughts span through my head making it impossible to think clearly. Thinking in itself just made it all worse, so I tried to block out all thoughts and concentrate on Steven instead, who now was looking at me with an eerie touch of enlightenment across his face. “What?” He demanded angrily, my reaction must have caught his attention. “Nothing” I stuttered, but both him and I knew that was a lie. I tried to bow my head down to hide my face, but it was already too late, I’d given myself away.