Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Chapter 1

Mice weren't supposed to have two tails. This one did. Faudron Falkirk crossed the Astroturf lawn, mud squishing through her toes and stared at the puddle surrounding mom and dad's Brady Bunch split-level with the asbestos shingles and the reservoir backyard. She hoped the mouse hadn't come from the house and it would drown and she could start her day. At least Moren, her little sister, was out of the house and off to school. Moren was fourteen and taller than Faudron at nineteen; it wasn't going to be an easy two weeks on their own.

"Drown, already," she said, "before I get stupid and try to save you."
But it didn't and it looked at her so she took off her red windbreaker, her sister's actually, scooped the mouse up and fumbled for the door but Moren had locked it.
Faudron held the mouse under her arm and found the four-bladed Fichet key, opened all three locks and slipped inside, holding the mouse high like the Statue of liberty's torch.

Luckily, when she'd arrived last night to the house she'd never seen, she'd fed the fish and somehow killed them. Feeding them Skittles as well as fish food might have had something to do with it. But lures were shiny, Skittles were shiny; she thought it would have made them happy, but the Skittles had melted in there and something about the sugar made green, moldy stuff fill the tank.
Faudron put the mouse, jacket and all into the empty fishtank. "One phobia conquered; thanks Mom; thanks Dad. Stop staring at me, Mr. Mouse."
She went to the dining room table and tried to squeeze the squat telescope into her knapsack but the top stuck out so she pulled the opposing zippers as tight as she could get them and tied them together with a rubber band from the kitchen cabinet. "Might work after all."

She stuck the pack on her back and headed out the back door, but came back when she noticed the bill on the end table -- $100,000 dollars due to The TreePros Company -- yesterday. She looked out the window at the monstrosity outlined at the foggy dock, DasBoat, as she liked to call it after the cheery sub movie dad liked. Even from here, the reservoir-edged dock was difficult to see but it just might have sunk them. Mom had decided to become a tree-plucker. There was a bit more to it than that, but that about summed it up and it hadn't worked out to well so far. Faudron picked up the house keys. She had yet to lock the door; why did they need the security door in what ought to be Mayberry?

Mice weren't supposed to have two tails. This one did. Faudron Falkirk crossed the Astroturf lawn, mud squishing through her toes

If the lawn is astroturf, where in the heck is the mud coming from?

and stared at the puddle surrounding mom and dad's Brady Bunch split-level with the asbestos shingles and the reservoir backyard. She hoped the mouse hadn't come from the house and; She also hoped it would drown and so she could start her day.

You might want to explain the hold this mouse has on your main character. Her desire for the mouse to drown already is an interesting character insight; however, it seems weird that she doesn't just walk away if that's her feeling.

At least Moren, her little sister, was out of the house and off to school. Moren was fourteen and taller than Faudron at nineteen; it wasn't going to be an easy two weeks on their own.

Why is she relieved her sister isn't there? Also, the other information seems irrelevant-- why does her sister's height matter? And how is it related to the fact it won't be easy to go for two weeks without their parents? (Also, at 19, Faudron really should know how to take care of herself-- she's at the age to be away at college or have a job).

"Drown, already," she said, "before I get stupid and try to save you."
But it didn't and it looked at her so she took off her red windbreaker, her sister's actually, scooped the mouse up and fumbled for the door but Moren had locked it.
Faudron held the mouse under her arm and found the four-bladed Fichet key, opened all three locks and slipped inside, holding the mouse high like the Statue of liberty's torch.

Luckily, when she'd arrived last night to the house she'd never seen, she'd fed the fish and somehow killed them.

Wait... this is a strange house? It seemed from the earlier descriptions that she and her family lived there.

Feeding them Skittles as well as fish food might have had something to do with it. But lures were shiny, Skittles were shiny; she thought it would have made them happy, but the Skittles had melted in there and something about the sugar made green, moldy stuff fill the tank.

Really? Dumb is not cute in lead characters, and I just cringed. If she is super-sheltered and has never taken care of herself or has some sort of issues, that needs to be explained.

Faudron put the mouse, jacket and all, into the empty fishtank. "One phobia conquered; thanks Mom; thanks Dad. Stop staring at me, Mr. Mouse."

Wait...is she afraid of mice? If that's the case, there should have been more buildup to her picking up the mouse.

She went to the dining room table and tried to squeeze the squat telescope into her knapsack but the top stuck out so she pulled the opposing zippers as tight as she could get them and tied them together with a rubber band from the kitchen cabinet. "Might work after all."

You might want to add some explanation of what she's doing with the telescope.

She stuck the pack on her back and headed out the back door, but came back when she noticed the bill on the end table -- $100,000 dollars due to The TreePros Company -- yesterday. She looked out the window at the monstrosity outlined at the foggy dock, DasBoat, as she liked to call it after the cheery sub movie dad liked. Even from here, the reservoir-edged dock was difficult to see but it just might have sunk them. Mom had decided to become a tree-plucker. There was a bit more to it than that, but that about summed it up and it hadn't worked out to well so far. Faudron picked up the house keys. She had yet to lock the door; why did they need the security door in what ought to be Mayberry?

These observations seem disconnected from each other, and aren't really well-explained. At this point, I feel a little lost.