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The start of The Guilds End (936 words)

Posted: November 7th, 2020, 5:20 pm
by DrifterNZ
As a first time writer, I have alot of doubts in my work. Could you please look over the begining of my fantasy novel, The Guilds End, and give me some feedback on what I have written and how to improve it.?
Many thanks in advance.

Chapter 1

Neros entered the large hall. On the floor, two large pentagrams had been drawn with white sand. In the centre of the first pentagram, was an old rickety chair with a large wooden pail of water beside it. The second pentagram held a young boy tied to a wooden pole. Nobody knew his name or where he had come from, but that didn’t matter. He was dangerous and had to be dealt with straight away. The introductions could be done later when he had been made safe.

After checking the sand for breaks, Neros placed ruby-coloured crystals on each of the endpoints of the star. Then where the lines intersected one another he placed green crystals. On the second pentagram, Neros placed crystals the same positions as the first pentagram but reversed the colours. Then he sat down on the old rickety chair and took stock of the young boy in front of him.

The boy was no more than fifteen years old; his fiery red hair was singed and he was covered in soot. A symbol had been drawn on his forehead and which glowed white against the rest of the boy’s dirty face. He was unconscious but his eyes were still open and shone like sapphires. His slim wiry body was naked except for a tattered leather loincloth and soot. A large number of cuts and bruises covered most of his body. Blood seeping from the cuts had left long sticky trails in the soot as they snaked their way towards his feet. No one had bothered to clean the boy up at all. They were probably too afraid to stay near him for long in case he woke up, even after they had drawn the sleep rune on his head.

Those eyes worried Neros. The boy had power, a lot of power. Neros had asked for at least two other wizards to accompany him on this job, but the Arch-Mage had refused his request.
“I understand that he is just a boy,” the Arch-Mage had said, “surely a fully trained wizard of your calibre can handle one untrained boy by himself?”

“Yes,” replied Neros, “but if the reports are true, then this is no ordinary boy. His powers are said to be far beyond anything that we have come across in over two hundred years of testing.”

The Arch-Mage slowly turned, his face red, “Who says his powers are so strong? A few naive villagers who would marvel at a simple card trick? He was caught by a bunch of peasants, wasn’t he? How powerful could he be to get caught so easily?”

“Yes,” my Lord replied Neros, “but that was because he had knocked himself unconscious with the force of his fireball while trying to start a campfire.”

“Well then, that settles it. Not only is he untrained and unable to handle his power, but he is also stupid. You should have no trouble handling him by yourself.”

“But my Lord,” stammered Neros, “the campfire he was trying to light was more than twenty feet away and he still managed to knock himself out from the blast. He cleared all vegetation within thirty feet of the campfire with one fireball!”

“Still,” replied the Arch-Mage, “he will be contained in the pentagram and your pentagram will shield you. He can be no threat to you. Now, enough of this snivelling; go and deal with the boy!”

“But sir,” Neros pleaded, “why don’t we just bring the boy in and test him. If he is as powerful as they say then he would make an excellent Battlemage. Even now there are only three mages under level fifteen that could produce a fireball over twenty feet, and I don’t think that we have a mage of any level that could throw a thirty foot one!”

“That is precisely why, my dear Neros.” The Arch-Mage's voice was as smooth as silk, “If he is as strong as you say, and we train him, then my dear Neros, he will be the most powerful mage on the planet. He is too old for us to meld his mind to our rules. He will be rebellious and uncontrollable. By training him we may make a monster we cannot handle. Do you wish that Neros?”

“No my Lord,” replied Neros. He knew now that no matter what argument he put up, he would not win. The boy was to be bound, drained of his power and would never be able to weld magic again. What a waste!

Slowly he turned to leave, why had he been so eager to do this job? Had he really thought that the Arch-Mage would have let him train someone that maybe even more powerful than the Arch-Mage himself? No. That wasn’t ever going to happen. In this world power means status, and the Arch-Mage had the most power and therefore the highest status you could get. Anything or anybody that threatened that wasn’t going to live long.

“And Neros?” called the Arch-Mage, “if for some reason the boy cannot be constrained, then he is to be destroyed. Understand me?”

“Yes my Lord,” muttered Neros as he left. Kill the boy? He knew that was coming, but it was still a shock to hear it said. The problem was, he was not sure that he could kill the boy. Being a level eighteen wizard, he was easily capable of firing any number of fatal spells at the boy, but he was just not a killer. Healing them was more his thing.

Re: The start of The Guilds End (936 words)

Posted: November 13th, 2020, 1:45 am
by J. T. SHEA
I like this. A good start with situation and characters introduced well. I would read on. No improvements or corrections occur to me offhand.

Re: The start of The Guilds End (936 words)

Posted: November 18th, 2020, 3:31 am
by DrifterNZ
Thank you for taking the time to read it and I am glad you enjoyed it . Your feedback is much appreciated and it has dissipated quite a few self doubts.

Re: The start of The Guilds End (936 words)

Posted: January 4th, 2021, 6:37 pm
by caren22
Same here
Quality work on the characters and story flow

Re: The start of The Guilds End (936 words)

Posted: January 19th, 2021, 5:22 am
by Pewe
The opening sentence requires an object for me to aid curiosity. Why has Nero entered the hall then you can link that to the boy. Putting a pentagram in the way of the 2 characters seems problematic and unnecessary.

Re: The start of The Guilds End (936 words)

Posted: January 23rd, 2021, 5:52 pm
by DrifterNZ
Thank you for your feedback and taking the time to read it. I am not sure what you mean by the opening sentence requireing an object, but you have given me something to think about.

Re: The start of The Guilds End (936 words)

Posted: February 26th, 2021, 12:10 pm
by Bernie_Nieves
I think this is a good start to the novel, in any case, I wondered what would happen next.