Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript
Posted: May 9th, 2018, 7:25 pm
Hello All,
I need some critiquing done on my unfinished manuscript. Please let me know where I need to polish some. Here is Chapter 1 to start. Any and all feedback is welcome. I seriously need the help. Thanks. Brian.
Chapter 1
Six o’clock on the dot. Rebecca Austin was always the last to leave the Santa Exhibit where she worked during the holidays. Tonight, was no different except for the last-minute shopper in the parking lot which was pitch black. Maintenance hadn’t fixed the lights and there was no video cameras working yet. She knew the area pretty well, so there was really nothing to worry about or so she thought. While she was walked to her car she got the feeling that she was being watched. Her skin began to crawl and sweat poured down her spine that was bone chilling. At first she thought it was a bunch of teenage boys trying to scare her.
She was quick to dismiss the thought, but then all of a sudden she heard something off in the distance. By the time she got to her car, she sweating with fear so much that it was beginning to drench her clothes. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. A dark figure appeared out of nowhere. She couldn’t make out any features, but she went ahead and called out to the figure.
“Hello? Can I help you,” she said?
The figure didn’t respond. Rebecca tried again to speak to the figure. This time it moved into the light. It was a man dressed as Santa Claus.
“Oh Mr. Griffith it’s you. I thought you were someone else. Shouldn’t you be heading home?”
The man didn’t speak. Rebecca started getting nervous. He started to move closer. Rebecca couldn’t figure out why the man wasn’t speaking to her. Something wasn’t right. Then she saw the look in his eyes and finally realized that it wasn’t who she thought it was. Then he pulled out a hunting knife. Putting two and two together she ran to the nearest alcove to hide. She could hear him breathing heavy as he walked by. He couldn’t see her from where he was at, so he continued his search. After he passed by, she breathed silently. She decided to back up further into the alcove until the man left. As she was walking backwards into the alcove she felt something cold at her feet. When she looked down she almost screamed, but didn’t. There were two dead bodies piled on top of each other. Instantly she recognized them. It was Mr. and Mrs. Griffith Both of the bodies were stripped down to their undergarments and blood oozed out from underneath them.
The man passed by without incident. After she thought he was gone she left the alcove to go get help, but he was right there waiting for her. She tried fighting her way out of, but out of nowhere a pair of hands covered her mouth with a rag full of chloroform. At first Rebecca continued to fight her attackers, but after five minutes her body gave into the chloroform and everything went black.
The two attackers drug the body to a different alcove where they could do their work in peace. A security guard drove by. The two killers stopped what they were doing and stood to wave at the security guard. The security guard waved back and didn’t notice anything strange. The man dressed as Santa and his accomplice dressed as Mrs. Claus returned to the alcove where the body was and continue their work.
Carefully they removed her shirt and bra. The woman held down the body while the man started cutting Rebecca’s skin with a scalpel. He carefully removed the skin revealing bone. After that was done the woman handed him a bone saw in order to cut through her breast bone. Once he was done cutting, he slowly removed the heart. The woman went to Rebecca’s car removing anything that would give away the fact they were there. After removing evidence of their presence she noticed a bunch of boxes laying around, so she got an idea and took one of the boxes and brought it back to the man and the bodies. When she returned with the box the man placed the heart in a cooler they brought with them. The woman took the heart out of the cooler and placed it in the box with a gift tag made out to a William Atoms. After that was done they began to clean up the blood. Suddenly they heard the security guard coming back around. They moved more quickly in cleaning up their mess. Then as quickly as they cleaned up the scene, they left leaving no evidence behind.
The security guard came around just as the killers were leaving. He noticed that the people dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus left in a hurry. He just thought that maybe they just had an emergency and went to leave, but something told him to investigate further. He went to his golf cart to get his flashlight. Once he got his flashlight he walked around for a bit making sure that no cars were broken into. Just as he was about to leave, he saw a pair of legs sticking out of the darkness. He went over to see what was going on. What he found made him sick. There was three dead bodies hidden in an alcove and one of them was missing the heart.
He noticed a box near one of the bodies and immediately went to his cart for his radio and called for backup and to notify the local police. Once the other security guards arrived on the scene they saw what they were dealing with and waited for the police to show up.
I need some critiquing done on my unfinished manuscript. Please let me know where I need to polish some. Here is Chapter 1 to start. Any and all feedback is welcome. I seriously need the help. Thanks. Brian.
Chapter 1
Six o’clock on the dot. Rebecca Austin was always the last to leave the Santa Exhibit where she worked during the holidays. Tonight, was no different except for the last-minute shopper in the parking lot which was pitch black. Maintenance hadn’t fixed the lights and there was no video cameras working yet. She knew the area pretty well, so there was really nothing to worry about or so she thought. While she was walked to her car she got the feeling that she was being watched. Her skin began to crawl and sweat poured down her spine that was bone chilling. At first she thought it was a bunch of teenage boys trying to scare her.
She was quick to dismiss the thought, but then all of a sudden she heard something off in the distance. By the time she got to her car, she sweating with fear so much that it was beginning to drench her clothes. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. A dark figure appeared out of nowhere. She couldn’t make out any features, but she went ahead and called out to the figure.
“Hello? Can I help you,” she said?
The figure didn’t respond. Rebecca tried again to speak to the figure. This time it moved into the light. It was a man dressed as Santa Claus.
“Oh Mr. Griffith it’s you. I thought you were someone else. Shouldn’t you be heading home?”
The man didn’t speak. Rebecca started getting nervous. He started to move closer. Rebecca couldn’t figure out why the man wasn’t speaking to her. Something wasn’t right. Then she saw the look in his eyes and finally realized that it wasn’t who she thought it was. Then he pulled out a hunting knife. Putting two and two together she ran to the nearest alcove to hide. She could hear him breathing heavy as he walked by. He couldn’t see her from where he was at, so he continued his search. After he passed by, she breathed silently. She decided to back up further into the alcove until the man left. As she was walking backwards into the alcove she felt something cold at her feet. When she looked down she almost screamed, but didn’t. There were two dead bodies piled on top of each other. Instantly she recognized them. It was Mr. and Mrs. Griffith Both of the bodies were stripped down to their undergarments and blood oozed out from underneath them.
The man passed by without incident. After she thought he was gone she left the alcove to go get help, but he was right there waiting for her. She tried fighting her way out of, but out of nowhere a pair of hands covered her mouth with a rag full of chloroform. At first Rebecca continued to fight her attackers, but after five minutes her body gave into the chloroform and everything went black.
The two attackers drug the body to a different alcove where they could do their work in peace. A security guard drove by. The two killers stopped what they were doing and stood to wave at the security guard. The security guard waved back and didn’t notice anything strange. The man dressed as Santa and his accomplice dressed as Mrs. Claus returned to the alcove where the body was and continue their work.
Carefully they removed her shirt and bra. The woman held down the body while the man started cutting Rebecca’s skin with a scalpel. He carefully removed the skin revealing bone. After that was done the woman handed him a bone saw in order to cut through her breast bone. Once he was done cutting, he slowly removed the heart. The woman went to Rebecca’s car removing anything that would give away the fact they were there. After removing evidence of their presence she noticed a bunch of boxes laying around, so she got an idea and took one of the boxes and brought it back to the man and the bodies. When she returned with the box the man placed the heart in a cooler they brought with them. The woman took the heart out of the cooler and placed it in the box with a gift tag made out to a William Atoms. After that was done they began to clean up the blood. Suddenly they heard the security guard coming back around. They moved more quickly in cleaning up their mess. Then as quickly as they cleaned up the scene, they left leaving no evidence behind.
The security guard came around just as the killers were leaving. He noticed that the people dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus left in a hurry. He just thought that maybe they just had an emergency and went to leave, but something told him to investigate further. He went to his golf cart to get his flashlight. Once he got his flashlight he walked around for a bit making sure that no cars were broken into. Just as he was about to leave, he saw a pair of legs sticking out of the darkness. He went over to see what was going on. What he found made him sick. There was three dead bodies hidden in an alcove and one of them was missing the heart.
He noticed a box near one of the bodies and immediately went to his cart for his radio and called for backup and to notify the local police. Once the other security guards arrived on the scene they saw what they were dealing with and waited for the police to show up.