"TOM'S" - Chapter One

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rmorris
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"TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by rmorris » June 11th, 2010, 3:56 pm

Hi everyone,
This is the first chapter of the novel that I'm writing; the working title is "Tom's." This is a story about a group of friends in Manhattan who are confronted by troubles from their past. It's contemporary, humorous at times, and deals with all the complicated subtleties of friendship.
The first chapter is roughly 2200 words, and sets up each of the characters' stories in the book. I hope there's enough here for some good critique.
Thanks in advance!


CHAPTER ONE:
THE COFFEE SHOP

Tommy took a bite out of the big apple. Of course the metaphor was ridiculously obvious, but that had always been his way. The man was palpably metaphoric; it was clear to anyone just how much Tommy loved New York City. The CKY Korean Grocery had giant, bright red Spartan apples every day of the year, even if it wasn’t the right season. Tommy loved that grocery, and the old shaky Persian man who owned it. He emphatically, yet erroneously believed that the CKY Grocery was the genuine heart of Manhattan. New York’s five boroughs all meant something to him, but there was only one that he’d ever truly romanticized: Manhattan had always been his whole world. He loved everything between the East River and the Hudson; from the Financial District up to Harlem; from Avenue A to Zabar’s. He loved the city’s four seasons, although autumn was easily the most anticipated of them all. He loved the city’s unique perfume of deli meats and subway steam. He loved the New York rain with such verve that every time it so much as drizzled, he would turn to the sky so he could feel the drops sprinkle onto his teeth. Because every raindrop that hit him had already experienced that much-envied journey from the tips of the city’s skyscrapers all the way down to its cracked and foot-stamped sidewalks. He loved the view from his apartment, even if it was just the leaves of the tree outside in July or the shadows of its bare branches crawling along the plain brick wall in January. Tommy loved his career. He loved his friends. And he loved that first big bite of the Spartan apple he took each and every morning.

Everything was perfect there, and as long as things remained the way he wanted them to, Tommy would continue to love that city forever.

Which is exactly why his jaw dropped when he opened the letter he found in his mailbox that morning. The first bite of still un-chewed apple fell out of his mouth and planted itself right between the crack of that 113th Street sidewalk.

--------(END INTRO)---------

“You guys are not going to believe this,” Tommy said as he removed his coat and scarf. He sat down next to Kate and across from Jesse, and placed the still-not-quite-yet-brown apple core onto Kate’s empty plate. She hated that about him, didn’t she? How he’d walk in everyday like he owned the place.

“Hold on Tommy,” Kate interrupted. “Jesse was just about to give me the details of his date last night.”

Jesse struggled, but eventually managed his best ear-to-ear smile. Jesse’s fake smiles were still more beautiful than most of the city’s truly genuine ones.

“Our man Jess finally got himself that elusive second date, huh? My, my.” Tommy was impressed. “If this day were any other, I’d say that kind of information wins out.” He reached into his coat pocket and waved the envelope in an attempt to gather their attention. “But not today, my friends.”

“Not now,” Kate spat out quickly, not the least bit interested in whatever news Tommy had brought along with him that morning. “Come on Jesse. Spill it already.”

Jesse finished his last drop of coffee and signaled the waitress for a refill. “It’s really not such a big deal,” he spoke coolly. “We ate dinner and saw a show. End of story.”

Tommy knew for sure that that wasn’t really the end of the story, and he was completely fine with that. But as adequate as Jesse’s highly unimaginative yarn was for him, Tommy knew Kate wouldn’t be quite as satisfied by the limited amount of information brought forth.

“Dinner?” she asked, with one of her infamous one-word questions. Kate didn’t like to waste words, unless of course it was to tell someone how disappointed she was in them.

Jesse watched the steady stream of coffee as the waitress filled his cup back up. She always knew well enough to leave sufficient room for Jesse’s preferred amount of cream. “The Wing King’s on 87th Street,” was his answer for Kate.

“Show?” There it was again: the one-word question.

“Some off-off-Broadway play. I don’t even remember the name.”

Tommy laid the envelope onto the table now, only to see it continue to go ignored. He carefully positioned it so that it sat precisely in the middle of all three of them.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Kate grumbled appallingly. “You squeeze out a second date and the best you can do is take the girl out for chicken wings? There’s got to be a bazillion better restaurants in this city that you could have picked.”

“At least a bazillion,” Tommy mimicked under his breath. He slowly circled the envelope with his index finger, hoping for some interest; for just one curious bite. But no bite was forthcoming.

“Actually, it was her choice.” Jesse sprinkled two packets of organic sugar into his drink. He carefully watched the pellets as they plopped one by one. It was almost as though he was attempting to count each single glittering speck. The tiniest droplet of coffee arced from the cup to the letter on the tabletop. Observant as ever, Tommy was the only one who noticed. He rubbed the globule off with the side of his hand.

“Cab?” Kate asked again, unrelentingly.

“I hailed her a taxi and gave the driver a twenty,” Jesse answered. “I thanked her for the night and walked home by myself. And that was that.”

“What? Seriously? No kiss? No discussion of date number three?”

Jesse hesitated on answering any further. He looked to Tommy, for what might have been the first time since he sat down, hoping that he could maybe help put an end to Kate’s meddlesome barrage of questions.

“And really Jess,” she continued. “A twenty dollar cab ride isn’t going to get the poor girl much further than three blocks in this city.” Truthfully, twenty dollars equates to roughly five blocks, but Kate’s sarcasm was certainly on the right track.

“All right, all right,” Tommy finally complied. “We all know it was you who picked the restaurant, Jess. The last time I checked, you were the one with the freezer full with chicken wings. And are we really expected to believe that you didn’t take her to go see Wicked, and not some way-the-fuck-off-Broadway shit show?”

“Haven’t you seen Wicked like a ka-jillion times already?” Kate added.

“At least a ka-jillion,” Jesse conceded. “Okay, fine. We did see Wicked. But it was her suggestion.” He quickly poured another pack of sugar into his coffee cup. “How could I possibly refuse?”

“You can’t. And Kate should really know you better by now, don’t you think?”

Tommy, Kate and Jesse had all known one another for almost twenty years now. They’d been through as much together as anyone could imagine, and their bond was truly a unique one. The three of them met at that exact booth every morning. Sometimes it was only two of them. Rarely was it just one. And it was highly unusual for the fourth seat to ever be filled, but it had happened on occasion.

The shadow from a crowd of people outside spread across the tabletop. “Hey!” Tommy banged on the window to get their attention. “Fuck off already!” He cursed seemingly at random, but there was nothing arbitrary or illogical about it to Tommy. He did it all the time. The crowd scuttled away like startled spiders, but his friends didn’t flinch at all. They never did. Again, Tommy carefully repositioned the envelope lying between them on the table.

Kate was the first to break. “Okay, fine. So what’s in the envelope Tommy?”

“And he thought you’d never ask!” Jesse joked, tapping out the last of the sugar with his fingertip.

“You two can laugh all you want, but I’ve got some serious news this morning.” He motioned as if he was going to open the envelope, but then leaned back in the booth again; content to continue on with his proclamation. “Actually though, this is beyond serious. This is more than trivial. It’s bigger than Jess scoring two consecutive dates with someone in his own age bracket!” Tommy always savored any moment in which he could hold everyone else’s attention.

But Jesse balled up the tiny sugar package and flicked it across the table into Tommy’s face; right between the eyes. His aim was uncanny, and if Jesse didn’t hate sports so much, he’d be very good at them. Tommy ignored it completely though; his exuberance carried him on. His index finger emphasized every word he spoke. “The contents of this envelope just might have the potential to significantly change everything that we know.”

Kate took her purse and dug deep inside for some money; her attention already diverted. She was always the first to lose interest in anything Tommy wanted to carry on about.

“What are you doing?” he asked her immediately.

“Paying for breakfast. You know how long it takes to get change back in this place.” She found a ten and flagged down the waitress with it. “And I’ve got to get to work. Some of us still have real jobs you know.”

“Wow,” Tommy proclaimed. “Bitter much?”

The waitress took the money and then whirred back around to find some change. “You know what I mean. Jesse and I have to get up every morning and you don’t.” Kate slipped out of the booth, and turned her eyes away from the two men, hoping they wouldn’t notice that she was deliberately trying to avoid eye contact. Hoping she could force the tear she felt back into her eye.

“Hey, I get up in the morning. Of course, it’s usually just to come here for breakfast and talk to the two of you.”

For a moment, the envelope in front of them all was forgotten. There was another force that was now distracting the trio. But what was it exactly? There seemed to be something small that was either weighing on all of their minds, or something big inside just one of them. Whatever it was, it could be felt at that one single table in that particular Upper West Side diner at that exact moment.
Tommy spoke first; he knew his friends well enough to deduce the source of the cloud hanging over them. Kate was still standing beside them, tenderly removing her coat from the rack. “Kate?” he said. “Are you all right?”

“You want to hear something funny?” she asked the two of them, still looking off somewhere in the direction of the kitchen. One of the waitresses was placing a fresh strawberry-rhubarb pie behind the glass pastry display.

“Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t really going to be something funny?” Tommy mused aloud.

“I don’t think I’m in love with Gene anymore,” she answered. Tommy was right -- it wasn’t funny. But it wasn’t exactly a surprise either; Kate and Gene’s marriage had been one of the strangest couplings of all time. Intuitively, both Jesse and Tommy reached their hands over and placed them on the tips of Kate’s fingers, which were still anchored to the tabletop. “I’d like to believe that I was at some point though. But to be honest, I’m really not so sure now.” Her eyes darted back and forth between her two best friends. “I think I made a mistake guys.” Breaking her hand away from theirs, Kate slipped on her coat and wiped her eyes with one sleeve, just to make sure nothing incriminating had leaked out. It might have been the first time in her life that Kate had ever admitted to making a mistake.

“Jeeze. Now I feel bad for telling you about my date last night,” Jesse confessed.

“And I feel bad Kate’s been stuck with a dude named Gene for three years,” Tommy said with a half smile in the corner of his mouth.

Friends like these didn’t have to say the all-too-obvious “I’m sorry’s.” In some ways, their own empathic conventions were actually better anyhow. Their normal reactions were much easier for them to take than any overcrowded sympathy.

“Have you talked to him?” Jesse asked.

Kate took the change from the approaching waitress. “No. Not yet. I just came to the conclusion this morning, before coming here. But of course I’d tell the two of you first, right? Isn’t that how we do things around here?”

“It’s how we’ve always done things.” Tommy’s words were comforting. In a microsecond, the last twenty years had weaved its way through all three of them. This wasn’t the first time they would run into an obstacle together, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

“Come on Kate,” Jesse said, taking one last gulp of coffee and rising from his seat now too. “I’ll walk you to the subway.”

Tommy took note of the fact that the details about the letter on the table were not questioned a second time. “Call me if you need anything,” he said, as he watched them exit the restaurant.

The waitress collected their dirty plates and asked Tommy if he wanted his usual for breakfast. He replied with a look that seemed to ask ‘why wouldn’t I?’

As he watched the plate with the apple core disappear, Tommy slid the envelope back into his coat pocket, and he worried a little about whatever change the future might hold. If only there was a way for someone to tell him about what was really around the corner. He banged on the window beside him once more as another body blocked his view of Broadway.

--------(END CHAPTER ONE)---------

Down the well
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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by Down the well » June 11th, 2010, 5:03 pm

Hi rmorris,

I'll tell you, after seeing the length of this, I expected to skim. But I didn't. I was engaged in the story and interested in the characters. I think you have a clean writing style and, depending on what's in that letter, a good start here.

I'm not one for going through line by line, but I do have a few observations. I am not a fan of the adverb, and I noticed quite a few in this. If you do an "ly" check with the Edit function you'll see what I mean. I think most of them are unnecessary.

Also, I was a little impatient with the introduction. I don't know New York City, but the first half of the paragraph felt a little generic to me. It didn't feel specific enough to the city. Even with the naming of streets and restaurants, it could have been anywhere. I think I want more intimate details. And I'm not sure how I felt about the big apple metaphor. I can't decide if it is too cliche or not. It kind of worked, and kind of didn't (I know, I'm a real help). However, I did enjoy the second half of the paragraph - especially the part about the raindrops. Nice touch.

I enjoyed this, and would read further. Nice work.

Oh, and if you haven't already, you might want to take a look at Let The Great World Spin - a great New York book.

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rmorris
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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by rmorris » June 11th, 2010, 5:21 pm

DTW,
Thanks so much for not skimming! Glad you enjoyed it.
I'll definitely have to do adverb check...maybe a bit later though, since I'm really only 60 pages (roughly) into the story.
I feel the same way about the big apple metaphor; it works for me and it doesn't work for me. Hmm.
But thank you for reading.
Anyone else?

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Gina Frost
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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by Gina Frost » June 11th, 2010, 6:24 pm

I liked the metaphor about the apple, let me in just a little about the character, what he was like. Kind of gave me a sense of his attitude right off the bat.

I was hooked and left wanting more.

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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by rmorris » June 11th, 2010, 8:55 pm

Thanks Gina. I've got more in-depth character descriptions coming up in later chapters; we sort of learn more about them as we go, but they each get a long individual "bio" at the beginning of their own chapters. I love the intricrate descriptions (it helps to really get into each character) but my worry is that it might be too much. Maybe I'll post these at some point if anyone wants to hear more!

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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by lmitchell » June 12th, 2010, 1:35 am

I would definitely, most-assuredly, positively strain out some of the adverbs. :)

My favorite sentence from your excerpt was:
He loved the city’s unique perfume of deli meats and subway steam.


I like the voice. It feels smooth and clever, if that makes sense.

I also thought your dialogue flowed well. It sounded very natural. Good job.

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rmorris
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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by rmorris » June 12th, 2010, 12:54 pm

Hmm, yeah. I did a count and there's 62 of those dang "ly's" in this first chapter. That's roughly one for every 37 words!
Thanks so much for pointing out what you like. Dialogue has always been my favorite part of the writing process.

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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by rmorris » June 22nd, 2010, 3:53 pm

After a bit of editing:
(Please keep in mind I'm still looking for a critique partner...if this story is something that strikes you, please contact me. Thanks!)

CHAPTER ONE

Tommy took a bite out of the big apple. Of course the metaphor was ridiculously obvious, but that had always been his way. The man was palpably metaphoric; it was clear to anyone just how much Tommy loved New York City. The CKY Korean Grocery had giant, bright red Spartan apples every day of the year, even if it wasn’t the right season. Tommy loved that grocery, and the old shaky Persian man who owned it. He emphatically, yet erroneously believed that the CKY Grocery was the genuine heart of Manhattan. New York’s five boroughs all meant something to him, but there was only one that he’d ever truly romanticized: Manhattan had always been his whole world. He loved everything between the East River and the Hudson; from the Financial District up to Harlem; from Avenue A to Zabar’s. He loved the city’s four seasons, although autumn was easily the most anticipated of them all. He loved the city’s unique perfume of deli meats and subway steam. He loved the New York rain with such verve that every time it so much as drizzled, he would turn to the sky so he could feel the drops sprinkle onto his teeth. Because every raindrop that hit him had already experienced that much-envied journey from the tips of the city’s skyscrapers all the way down to its cracked and foot-stamped sidewalks. He loved the view from his apartment, even if it was just the leaves of the tree outside in July or the shadows of its bare branches crawling along the plain brick wall in January. Tommy loved his career. He loved his friends. And he loved that first big bite of the Spartan apple he took each and every morning.

Everything was perfect there, and as long as things remained the way he wanted them to, Tommy would continue to love that city forever.

Which is exactly why his jaw dropped when he opened the letter he found in his mailbox that morning. The first bite of still un-chewed apple fell out of his mouth and planted itself right between the crack of that 113th Street sidewalk.


“You guys are not going to believe this,” Tommy said as he removed his coat and scarf. He sat down next to Kate and across from Jesse, and placed the still-not-quite-yet-brown apple core onto Kate’s empty plate. She hated that about him, didn’t she? How he’d walk in everyday like he owned the place.

“Hold on Tommy,” Kate interrupted. “Jesse was just about to give me the details of his date last night.”

Jesse struggled, but managed his best ear-to-ear smile. Jesse’s fake smiles were still more beautiful than most of the city’s genuine ones.

“Our man Jess finally got himself that elusive second date, huh? My, my.” Tommy was impressed. “If this day were any other, I’d say that kind of information wins out.” He reached into his coat pocket and waved the envelope in an attempt to gather their attention. “But not today, my friends.”

“Not now,” Kate spat out, not the least bit interested in whatever news Tommy had brought along with him that morning. “Come on Jesse. Spill it already.”

Jesse finished his last drop of coffee and signaled the waitress for a refill. “It’s not such a big deal,” he spoke coolly. “We ate dinner and saw a show. End of story.”

Tommy knew for sure that that wasn’t really the end of the story, and he was fine with that. But as adequate as Jesse’s highly unimaginative yarn was for him, Tommy knew Kate wouldn’t be quite as satisfied by the limited amount of information brought forth.

“Dinner?” she asked, with one of her infamous one-word questions. Kate didn’t like to waste words, unless of course it was to tell someone how disappointed she was in them.

Jesse watched the steady stream of coffee as the waitress filled his cup back up. She always knew well enough to leave sufficient room for Jesse’s preferred amount of cream. “The Wing King’s on 87th Street,” was his answer for Kate.

“Show?” There it was again: the one-word question.

“Some off-off-Broadway play. I don’t even remember the name.”

Tommy laid the envelope onto the table now, only to see it continue to go ignored. He carefully positioned it so that it sat precisely in the middle of all three of them.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Kate grumbled. “You squeeze out a second date and the best you can do is take the girl out for chicken wings? There’s got to be a bazillion better restaurants in this city that you could have picked.”

“At least a bazillion,” Tommy mimicked under his breath. He slowly circled the envelope with his index finger, hoping for some interest; for just one curious bite. But no bite was forthcoming.

“Actually, it was her choice.” Jesse sprinkled two packets of organic sugar into his drink. He focused on the pellets as they plopped one by one. It was almost as though he was attempting to count each single glittering speck. The tiniest droplet of coffee arced from the cup to the letter on the tabletop. Observant as ever, Tommy was the only one who noticed. He rubbed the globule off with the side of his hand.

“Cab?” Kate asked again, unrelentingly.

“I hailed her a taxi and gave the driver a twenty,” Jesse answered. “I thanked her for the night and walked home by myself. And that was that.”

“What? Seriously? No kiss? No discussion of date number three?”

Jesse hesitated on answering any further. He looked to Tommy, for what might have been the first time since he sat down, hoping that he could maybe help put an end to Kate’s meddlesome barrage of questions.

“And really Jess,” she continued. “A twenty dollar cab ride isn’t going to get the poor girl much further than three blocks in this city.” Truthfully, twenty dollars equates to about five blocks, but Kate’s sarcasm was on the right track.

“All right, all right,” Tommy finally complied. “We all know it was you who picked the restaurant, Jess. The last time I checked, you were the one with the freezer full with chicken wings. And are we really expected to believe that you didn’t take her to go see Wicked, and not some way-the-fuck-off-Broadway shit show?”

“Haven’t you seen Wicked like a ka-jillion times already?” Kate added.

“At least a ka-jillion,” Jesse conceded. “Okay, fine. We did see Wicked. But it was her suggestion.” Without thinking, he dumped another pack of sugar into his coffee cup. “How could I possibly refuse?”

“You can’t. And Kate should really know you better by now, don’t you think?”

Tommy, Kate and Jesse had all known one another for almost twenty years now. They’d been through as much together as anyone could imagine, and their bond was truly a unique one. The three of them met at that exact booth every morning. Sometimes it was only two of them. Rarely was it just one. And it was unusual for the fourth seat to ever be filled, but it had happened on occasion.

The shadow from a crowd of people outside spread across the tabletop. “Hey!” Tommy banged on the window to get their attention. “Fuck off already!” He cursed seemingly at random, but there was nothing arbitrary or illogical about it to Tommy. He did it all the time. The crowd scuttled away like startled spiders, but his friends didn’t flinch at all. They never did. Again, Tommy carefully repositioned the envelope lying between them on the table.

Kate was the first to break. “Okay, fine. So what’s in the envelope Tommy?”

“And he thought you’d never ask!” Jesse joked, tapping out the last of the sugar with his fingertip.

“You two can laugh all you want, but I’ve got some serious news this morning.” He motioned as if he was going to open the envelope, but then leaned back in the booth again; content to continue on with his proclamation. “Actually though, this is beyond serious. This is more than trivial. It’s bigger than Jess scoring two consecutive dates with someone in his own age bracket!” Tommy always savored any moment in which he could hold everyone else’s attention.

But Jesse balled up the tiny sugar package and flicked it across the table into Tommy’s face; right between the eyes. His aim was uncanny, and if Jesse didn’t hate sports so much, he’d be very good at them. Tommy ignored it completely though; his exuberance carried him on. His index finger emphasized every word he spoke. “The contents of this envelope just might have the potential to significantly change everything that we know.”

Kate took her purse and dug deep inside for some money; her attention already diverted. She was always the first to lose interest in anything Tommy wanted to carry on about.

“What are you doing?” he asked her immediately.

“Paying for breakfast. You know how long it takes to get change back in this place.” She found a ten and flagged down the waitress with it. “And I’ve got to get to work. Some of us still have real jobs you know.”

“Wow,” Tommy proclaimed. “Bitter much?”

The waitress took the money and then whirred back around to find some change. “You know what I mean. Jesse and I have to get up every morning and you don’t.” Kate slipped out of the booth, and turned her eyes away from the two men, hoping they wouldn’t notice that she was deliberately trying to avoid eye contact. Hoping she could force the tear she felt back into her eye.

“Hey, I get up in the morning. Of course, it’s usually just to come here for breakfast and talk to the two of you.”

For a moment, the envelope in front of them all was forgotten. There was another force that was now distracting the trio. But what was it exactly? There seemed to be something small that was either weighing on all of their minds, or something big inside just one of them. Whatever it was, it could be felt at that one single table in that particular Upper West Side diner at that exact moment.

Tommy spoke first; he knew his friends well enough to deduce the source of the cloud hanging over them. Kate was still standing beside them, tenderly removing her coat from the rack. “Kate?” he said. “Are you all right?”

“You want to hear something funny?” she asked the two of them, still looking off somewhere in the direction of the kitchen. One of the waitresses was placing a fresh strawberry-rhubarb pie behind the glass pastry display.

“Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t really going to be something funny?” Tommy mused aloud.

“I don’t think I’m in love with Gene anymore,” she answered. Tommy was right -- it wasn’t funny. But it wasn’t a total surprise either; Kate and Gene’s marriage had been one of the strangest couplings of all time. Intuitively, both Jesse and Tommy reached their hands over and placed them on the tips of Kate’s fingers, which were still anchored to the tabletop. “I’d like to believe that I was at some point though. But to be honest, I’m really not so sure now.” Her eyes darted back and forth between her two best friends. “I think I made a mistake guys.” Breaking her hand away from theirs, Kate slipped on her coat and wiped her eyes with one sleeve, just to make sure nothing incriminating had leaked out. It might have been the first time in her life that Kate had ever admitted to making a mistake.

“Jeeze. Now I feel bad for telling you about my date last night,” Jesse confessed.

“And I feel bad Kate’s been stuck with a dude named Gene for three years,” Tommy said with a half smile in the corner of his mouth.

Friends like these didn’t have to say the all-too-obvious “I’m sorry’s.” In some ways, their own empathic conventions were actually better anyhow. Their normal reactions were much easier for them to take than any overcrowded sympathy.

“Have you talked to him?” Jesse asked.

Kate took the change from the approaching waitress. “No. Not yet. I just came to my conclusion this morning, before coming here. But of course I’d tell the two of you first, right? Isn’t that how we do things around here?”

“It’s how we’ve always done things.” Tommy’s words were comforting. In a microsecond, the last twenty years had weaved its way through all three of them. This wasn’t the first time they would run into an obstacle together, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

“Come on Kate,” Jesse said, taking one last gulp of coffee and rising from his seat now too. “I’ll walk you to the subway.”

Tommy took note of the fact that the details about the letter on the table were not questioned a second time. “Call me if you need anything,” he said, as he watched them exit the restaurant.

The waitress collected their dirty plates and asked Tommy if he wanted his usual for breakfast. He replied with a look
that seemed to ask ‘why wouldn’t I?’

As he watched the plate with the apple core disappear, Tommy slid the envelope back into his coat pocket, and he worried a little about whatever change the future might hold. If only there was a way for someone to tell him about what was really around the corner. He banged on the window beside him once more as another body blocked his view of Broadway.

Aimée
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Re: "TOM'S" - Chapter One

Post by Aimée » June 22nd, 2010, 4:36 pm

I love it! The one thing that caught me was "She hated that about him, didn't she?" I think you can drop the "didn't she." Also, the transition in their conversation from Tommy to Kate talking about Gene was very abrupt. I liked the characters. I could tell they were great friends. :)

You said you are interested in a critique partner? I'd love to read on, do line edits, and such. I myself am not finished with my first draft either, and our genres are very similar. I actually have two WIPs right now, and one of them takes place in NYC and the protagonists name is Tommy! That one is at about 35,000 words, and I've been stuck in the same place with no ideas for quite a while. Since putting it on hold, I began a paranormal romance that is only two chapters in. Message me if you are interested!

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