All good - thanks

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Down the well
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All good - thanks

Post by Down the well » June 11th, 2010, 2:59 pm

The excerpt has been taken down.

Thanks again to those who took the time to give feedback. I really appreciate it!
Last edited by Down the well on July 9th, 2010, 5:14 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Gina Frost
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Re: Need help with opening scene - adult fantasy

Post by Gina Frost » June 11th, 2010, 3:50 pm

Wow, I am intrigued, ready to read more. Excellent job!


Anobile1
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Re: Need help with opening scene - adult fantasy

Post by Anobile1 » June 12th, 2010, 2:56 am

I like it. Just one thing: I can't tell what time the book takes place in. The descriptions of the post-battle scene, the ships, etc. give a sort of viking time-frame, which would be... about 1000 years ago. Then the binoculars and the use of the term 'lieutenant' makes me think of no more than 100 years ago. Then the description of "old world metal that poked up out of the bay, the last legs of a long forgotten pier" makes me think it's sometime in the future after some world-wide catastrophe. I'm assuming it's actually the last one, due to it being a post-apocalyptic novel, but I think some clarification on this point would be a good idea.

Other than that, I quite like it. It does make me want to read more... but as always, when something has the word 'dragon' in the title, I have to wonder if it will actually have dragons in it. That's just a personal peeve of mine though, being a fan of dragon novels. I like your style, and the characters already seem interesting, even with so little dialogue.
My Blog: http://amorenanobile.blogspot.com/ (Most recent post: Inspiration Patterns and an Old Friend)

Down the well
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Re: Need help with opening scene - adult fantasy

Post by Down the well » June 12th, 2010, 4:32 pm

Thanks for the input, Anobile1.

You're right about the time frame. The story does take place in the future, centuries after a world-wide catastrophe that decimated cities and populations. I'm trying to avoid the dreaded info dump at the start of the story, so the world-building is being revealed in clues like the binoculars and wooden longships for now. I do get more specific later, but I might need to get it in earlier if it isn't clear enough.

Also, sorry about the dragons. In this case, dragons are a symbol of Wales and a metaphor for the spirit of the people.

Thanks again for taking the time to give it a read! Much appreciated.
Last edited by Down the well on July 9th, 2010, 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rmorris
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Re: Need help with opening scene - adult fantasy

Post by rmorris » June 12th, 2010, 5:34 pm

Not that Star Trek is a bad thing, but do you really want to be saying "lived long and prosperous lives" in only your second sentence? It kind of distracted me a little, since Star Trek was the first thing that made me think of. Since the sentence flows right into "profiting off the fame of killing a queen," the prospering is understood anyway, and maybe made a little redundant.
Maybe try:
Down the well wrote:I had no doubt that the small band of Hyll raiders we encountered at Saundersfoot Bay would have killed me if they could. They might have even lived long lives, profiting off the fame of killing a queen, but the Hyll had always been better thieves than fighters.
Other than that, good work! You set the mood well.

Down the well
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Re: Need help with opening scene - adult fantasy

Post by Down the well » June 12th, 2010, 6:28 pm

rmorris wrote:Not that Star Trek is a bad thing, but do you really want to be saying "lived long and prosperous lives" in only your second sentence?
Ha! That's too funny. Didn't even occur to me. Thanks for the Spock check. ;p

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