Thistledown: Genesis, Jay's story: Birth

[Petronella]

First chapter 1825 words long. I'd like people's opinions as to whether it is good, mediocre, or just plain bad.

I know I've only left a few comments so far and I'm terrible at it. I don't dare comment on the technical side of writing because I'm unsure of the knowledge I have. I will try to leave a few more comments after I post this.

*****

Chapter 1: Jay’s Story: Birth

I became aware when the first of my six brains activated. At the same time, the Library, a vast fount of knowledge, linked to my newly activated brain. One of the many librarians allowed me access to but a tiny part of the vast database. Inspite of the small size of the area, I delighted in all the knowledge I found there. Into my dark, silent world came light in a rainbow of colours, and sounds in a range of tones. I learned of other things I needed to know about when the day came for me to leave the gestation tank in which my body took form. It would be a long time before that would happen. In the meanwhile, I played in my part of the library.

Moments before my birth, the second of my brains activated. This one governed movement, both automatic and volitional. Others of my kind would guide my automatic motions, and later teach me to undertake the volitional movements, which would be with me for the rest of my existence.


I waited, impatient to be born. After an indeterminate period of time, the top of the tank slid aside and a blurry red-lit world revealed itself. Two pairs of hands helped me to a standing position. The owners of the hands wiped the clear birth fluids from my body, making certain most the the jelly-like substance fell back into the tank. One pair of hands raised my right leg, cleaned off the foot, and placed it on the floor outside the tank. In a similar way my left foot was put onto the surface beside the tank. Fully born, I waited for the next step in my activation.

The red light gave way to a brighter illumination, and the blurriness resolved into nebulous shapes. One of these forms, golden in colour, took my hands and led me forward to a square blob raised up from the floor. Once there the hands moved my body around until I stood with my back to the block, and pushed me down till my rear parts made contact. The larger of the golden shapes took hold of my right hand and holding it palm up, pressed its own hand against it. I felt its connector pins slide into my receptors and lock into place. We were now linked and could pass information to each other. In this case it would be a one-way process, for I had little to share in the form of knowledge.

A strange sensation passed through me. My sight cleared. Nebulous forms became walls, a door, and a clear area in one wall, which looked out over a large space filled with rows of gestation tanks. I sat on a square block made out of the same material as the floor. In front of me, bent over because of its height, and the fact it held my hand, stood what I assumed to be a fellow synth.

The buzzing in my ears became sounds, mainly the hums and clicks of the machinery surrounding the small room we occupied. I made an attempt to speak because I wanted to hear my own voice, but that part of me had not been activated yet and no sound came forth.

“Patience, you will be fully activated in a short time,” said the synth before me. “I am the Birth Master, and behind me stands one of my aides.”

When all my sensory organs were activated and calibrated to work at their optimum, I was given my voice. I repeated the words and phrases the Birth Master gave me to say, and thought my voice to be of a pleasant nature. It had a smooth and mellow timbre.

The Birth Master had not finished with me yet. Now he taught me how to move of my own volition. I wiggled fingers and toes, picked up objects both large and small that the aide brought and placed in front of me. I raised my arms above my head and then down to my side. Once assured I could move all parts of me with no problem, the Birth Master pulled me to my feet. It was time for me to learn to walk.

The little golden aide paced in front of me, and the motions of walking appeared to be so simple. Yet I found the whole process to be more difficult than expected. I fell a number of times, sitting down abruptly on my hind parts. Lucky for me these parts with their large muscles seemed perfect for falling on, and caused but little pain. I persevered, and soon walked alongside of the Birth Master as we made a circuit of the room. After many such rounds he led me back to the block and had me sit down again.

The first of the Teachers came, and I learned about the basic physical aspects of the artificial habitats I would find in the sphere-ships I travelled to in my career as Guardian of the Memory. The Teacher linked with me and transferred the knowledge I needed into one of my memory crystals. She showed me trees, shrubs, flowering plants, grasses, and many other types of plants too numerous to mention. I learned of animals, birds, reptiles, and insects.

A second Teacher taught me about my fellow synths and all the varied shapes and sizes they came in. He began with Metrophanes, the Prime Guide, whose avatars guided many of our ships through no-space. The Controllers, who ruled the planet-sized sphere-ships came next, and after that all the lesser synths.

Three more teachers shared their knowledge with me, and when they had gone on their way, the Birth Master allowed me some time to practice my walking and movement skills. On my fourth round of the room, I bumped into a naked human who at that same moment stepped in through the open door. He stopped me from falling by placing his hands firmly on my shoulders and pulling me forward, as I reeled backward from the collision.

The human turned out to be not human at all, but like myself he was a synth who duplicated a Zsaaran. With his pale skin and red hair done up in small braids hanging about his face, he resembled one of the Zsaara from the Northern Isles of Gwashen. His grey eyes twinkled as he introduced himself as the Sharer of Tales.

“I have come to give you the tales of the Zsaara, which you will share with your fellow synths,” he said. We sat side by side on the metal block, facing each other. “I believe you will find these particular stories of great interest.”

The Sharer of Tales linked with me, and shared all the many tales of the exodus from Gwashen. From the discovery made by Zsaaran and synth scientists, which led to the certain knowledge the sun would explode in less than a millennium, to the final moments of Gwashen and those who had chosen to remain on the planet as the sun expanded and blew in a cosmic fireworks display.

In between the beginning of the end and the end came the tales of the creation of the sphere-ships. The first of these set out on journeys so long, the ones who found a new place to live would not be the ones who left on the journey. Over the years many such ships set out into the vastness of the universe. Then came the tales of the synths discovering No-Space, and how after a way was found to travel through this inexpicable copy of the universe – a copy and yet not a copy. It had distance and at the same time no distance at all. Time seemed to pass, but once past the confines of No-Space, time on a sphere-ship’s clocks would read the same as when the ship had entered No-Space.

I thanked the Sharer of Tales when he left, and he wrapped his arms around me in a hug before passing out of my life.

Only an hour had passed after my birth, when Metrophanes requested I visit him to discuss a matter of some importance. I thought this request strange, for never before, so far as I knew, had a Guardian of the Memory ever gone to speak with the Prime Guide. I hoped the discussion between us wouldn’t take long, since I was more than eager to begin my career as Guardian of the Memory, and to remind my fellow synths of their origins by telling them tales of the Zsaara, who created the first synths. Already I had the first of the tales picked out, and wanted nothing better than to be among an audience of synths, to tell it.

The golden skinned Birth Master wiped me down with a soft cloth as if he didn’t want me to arrive at Metrophanes’s abode still coated in my birth fluids. No possibilty of that since this happened to be the second time the aged synth cleaned every nook and cranny of my body. He lifted my arms and wiped with extra care in the places called the arm pits, and took the same care with the creases behind my knees, and where my buttocks blended into my thighs.

Lucky for me, something beeped behind us, or I may have been cleaned yet another time. The Birth Master put me into the charge of one of the many helper synths standing about the place or moving around on mysterious errands. It took me by the hand and led me through a series of chambers filled with machinery, to a small room in which had a single door centered in the wall opposite of where I stood. A plaque showing an image of a pink stucco wall with a wooden gate set in the middle, hung at eye level on this door.

I stepped forward until I stood in front of the door. After hesitating for a long moment, I took hold of the knob, opened the door and stepped through. My feet stood on a silver path running straight ahead of me to another doorway in the distance. Black, grey and white ghost images of suns and stars filled the area all around me. After a few more careful steps I assured myself the path was solid and safe, and proceeded on my way at a fast pace. Once I passed through a white flare from one of the nearer ghost suns, and felt a warm tickle. Not long after, I found myself in front of a plain wood door, silver-grey with age. It opened inward, and I passed through, glad to be out of No-space.

[BethC]

I'm very sure I am the last person you need making comments. I too am fairly new to the board and feel very inadequate giving comments, but here goes. Let me add too, I don't write fantasy, so there you are. I'm not sure at this point exactly where the story is going. There is alot of telling information and as everyone says, not much showing. I get the feeling this new creation--the keeper of the memory--is going to meet with some daunting task or be the one to save this world...something along those lines anyway. so maybe the story should began there and the birth could be introduced as the story goes along...maybe as he/she is remembering something learned at birth that will help in the quest or to solve the conflict. Like I said, these are just my first reactions and I may be way off base with your story. I am interested to see where this is going though, so keep going. I've revised my own MS beginning so many times and am just now comfortable with where I am. I'll watch for more posts.

[Petronella]

I'm very sure I am the last person you need making comments. I too am fairly new to the board and feel very inadequate giving comments, but here goes. Let me add too, I don't write fantasy, so there you are. I'm not sure at this point exactly where the story is going. There is alot of telling information and as everyone says, not much showing. I get the feeling this new creation--the keeper of the memory--is going to meet with some daunting task or be the one to save this world...something along those lines anyway. so maybe the story should began there and the birth could be introduced as the story goes along...maybe as he/she is remembering something learned at birth that will help in the quest or to solve the conflict. Like I said, these are just my first reactions and I may be way off base with your story. I am interested to see where this is going though, so keep going. I've revised my own MS beginning so many times and am just now comfortable with where I am. I'll watch for more posts.

Thank you for your comments. Thistledown: Genesis is more science fiction than fantasy, but mostly a blending of both. It's a plotless story about a character learning about life and the world around him. There is no daunting task or heroic world-saving actions in the works. However you have got me thinking and maybe a daunting task or saving his world might become part of Jay's future.

I wish I could post the second chapter, but there is too much off-colour material for me to do so. I have been thinking of expanding on some of the things, like what he learns about in the Library at the very beginning, so it fits in with something which comes much later in the story.

[WilliamMJones]

This is the first time I've tried giving advice like this, so don't assume I know anything about what I'm talking about.

I thought this chapter was interesting. It had me asking questions like: "What are the synths? Did humans make them, or something else? Are they in charge, or were they created for some purpose?" These questions would keep me reading.

One thing that could be worked on is how the reader connects with the character. The reader doesn't find out the character is a Synth until the fifth paragraph or that he is a Guardian of Memory until the eleventh paragraph. Rather than showing his first words, it says that he repeated the Birth Master and liked his own voice. These things kept me from connecting with the character right away. I knew nothing about him. Even a description could have helped. Maybe he could have marveled at his new body.

I was a bit confused at the beginning. Did he really have six brains? Or are the brains like computers that don't take up as much space? Are the brains in his head, or are they external, and connecting him to some giant network? At first, when you said six brains, I thought of some kind of multi headed alien. It was just something that confused me.

I liked the teachers and the storyteller. It gave an interesting feel to the world, with everyone being able to link together and share information. I wish my college professors could do that.

Overall it was a really interesting chapter. Thanks for sharing with the rest of us.

[Petronella]

This is the first time I've tried giving advice like this, so don't assume I know anything about what I'm talking about.

I thought this chapter was interesting. It had me asking questions like: "What are the synths? Did humans make them, or something else? Are they in charge, or were they created for some purpose?" These questions would keep me reading.

One thing that could be worked on is how the reader connects with the character. The reader doesn't find out the character is a Synth until the fifth paragraph or that he is a Guardian of Memory until the eleventh paragraph. Rather than showing his first words, it says that he repeated the Birth Master and liked his own voice. These things kept me from connecting with the character right away. I knew nothing about him. Even a description could have helped. Maybe he could have marveled at his new body.

I was a bit confused at the beginning. Did he really have six brains? Or are the brains like computers that don't take up as much space? Are the brains in his head, or are they external, and connecting him to some giant network? At first, when you said six brains, I thought of some kind of multi headed alien. It was just something that confused me.

I liked the teachers and the storyteller. It gave an interesting feel to the world, with everyone being able to link together and share information. I wish my college professors could do that.

Overall it was a really interesting chapter. Thanks for sharing with the rest of us.

Thank you for your comments. You've got me thinking about ways to try out to bring the reader more into the story. I've started writing some things down and when I've got things to my liking I'll post the new beginning.

The six brains are more like computer processors than they are like our brains. Only one of the brains is in his head, the rest are spread throughout his body. Actually, there are more than six because each of the brains is duplicated so if something happens to one of the duplicated brains its copy takes over.

Thanks again.

[JaEvans]

This may be a worthless opinion but it is my first impression all the same.

After the first read I had mixed feelings. I kinda like the idea of starting the story with the birth of this alien being. I even like some of the imagery. Your idea of trying to be plot-less is interesting. Learning about life is kind of a plot but not a heavy one like saving the world. I think following this creature as it develops and finds out about it's world will be interesting. I would just like for there to be enough detail given as it experiences things for me to track with him. I felt that as I read I was reaching for information that would help me picture what was going on and make sense of it but the info was not there. I also found some of the grammar tricky to read.

Have you thought of doing a one or two paragraph world building before the birth starts. That way you can describe the scene and give a little pre-context. Then give more defining detail as you go. For example, when you talk about the first of six brains I had no idea what you were talking about. Thing like that.

Aside from that I think the idea is cool.

[Petronella]

This may be a worthless opinion but it is my first impression all the same.

After the first read I had mixed feelings. I kinda like the idea of starting the story with the birth of this alien being. I even like some of the imagery. Your idea of trying to be plot-less is interesting. Learning about life is kind of a plot but not a heavy one like saving the world. I think following this creature as it develops and finds out about it's world will be interesting. I would just like for there to be enough detail given as it experiences things for me to track with him. I felt that as I read I was reaching for information that would help me picture what was going on and make sense of it but the info was not there. I also found some of the grammar tricky to read.

Have you thought of doing a one or two paragraph world building before the birth starts. That way you can describe the scene and give a little pre-context. Then give more defining detail as you go. For example, when you talk about the first of six brains I had no idea what you were talking about. Thing like that.

Aside from that I think the idea is cool.

Thanks for your comments. Where did you find the grammar tricky to read? One example would be fine. The couple of paragraphs of world building is something to think about. Wouldn't that be a prologue?

[Margo]

My 2.2 cents (for inflation)...

I like the writing style and very much like what this chapter has revealed thus far of the world-building. I would disagree that the chapter should start with a couple of world-building paragraphs. I can't help fearing it would amount to a sci-fi version of a landscape or weather opening, which is almost impossible to pull off without boring the reader. The world (in any genre) is only interesting because of the way the characters interact with it, what it means to them, what it reveals about them.

I completely agree with the comment that more showing and less telling would be more engaging. I kept waiting for more (pertinent) details about the people around the protagonist, not life stories or paragraphs of description, but an occasional sentence that would say something about the world, the character, and their relationship to the protagonist.

I am...hesitant about the idea of going plotless, especially in a commercial genre. I'm curious as to how you plan to approach conflict and tension without plot. Can you have stakes without plot? I wouldn't think so, but I'd be very interested in your thoughts if you have devised a way to do so sans plot.

[Gina Frost]

I am used to plot driven stories. Maybe something of a plot would be a good bonus, but even without one, this would be a good read, something like a sci-fi autobiography of the synth. Either way, I would read it all.

[Petronella]

Margo: thank you for your comments. I'm thinking my story isn't as plotless as I thought. My MC does have to turn a human female into a synth, and doing it isn't as easy as it seems.

I didn't go into detail about the characters around the MC because they are only present in this chapter with the exception of the Birth Master, who does make another appearance later on.

Gina, thanks for commenting and saying you'd read more. Warms the cockles of my heart - whatever those are.