Intro and Outro

[Serzen]

Alright, so I'm really, really on the fence on these pieces...or perhaps I'm not so much on the fence as I'm practically standing in the yard. I'm going to post them here and I'd like to know what you think of them. I'm not necessarily looking for a lot of heavy editing as much as I'm looking to see how they work, whether they should be kept or scrapped. I'll try to provide the pertinent information here, but feel free to ask questions if you want to know more.

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Introduction

A figure walks across an open plain. From a distance, it appears to be the solid shape of a person; closer inspection shows the figure to be ghostly and indistinct. Diffuse light shines through it. Hungry winds leave it untouched. The form walks forlornly until it reaches a yawning gulf. It stops and considers.

The far side is just visible, a hazy line that might be the horizon and not actually a continuation of the land. A narrow beam, no wider than the figure’s foot, spans the gap. Behind the wandering spirit, the land is rapidly fading. Soon, only the facsimile of a bridge will remain. Compelled, urged by forces greater than itself, the figure steps onto the beam.

Each step the spirit takes seems to narrow the bridge. In a short distance, the beam shrinks until it is barely as wide as two toes together. Three steps more and it is just a line a few hair’s widths thick. One more and the bridge is narrow as a razor’s edge.

The wind suddenly finds its grip and gently brushes the figure into the chasm.

Descent is swift and silent. The yellow air offers no resistance to slow the falling form; it plummets with speed that would shame a shooting star. Despite the lack of wind, the constant whispers of names fill the figure’s ears as it plummets. It is impossible to say how long the spirit falls, but it eventually reaches the ground to stand before an ancient, massive gate.

A tree stands before the gate. Its highest branches reach up through the heights of the heavens; its deep-thrust roots suckle at the chthonic depths. The tree is massive and mighty, bearing the weight of the world without weakness.

Beside the tree sit a number of shades. They are waiting for someone.

One of the assembled steps forward. “You are here because, even in death, you persist in denying truth. You must face judgment if you are to enter the afterlife.”

Before the newly arrived soul can speak, the gathered shades overwhelm it. They do not spare their blows: ghostly flesh is rent, spiritual bones are broken. When the torturous beating finally ends, the speaker steps forward again. He reaches out with translucent fingers and plucks the soul’s eyeballs from their sockets, reinserts them facing inward.

“Look at yourself,” he commands. “Look at what you have done. Find yourself, find the truth, and become one of us or find nothing and cease to be. I will judge you fairly and only on what you learn. Deeds mean nothing here, only self has value.”
===============================

At this point we move into the main narrative, a second-person tale of insanity and instability. Chapters are told through the eyes of the spirit who is being judged, with alternating chapters being dictated by the shades/ghosts of those whom the spirit has wronged (murdered in at least one case) or by shades whose lives crossed paths with the spirit during the course of the narrative, for example a police detective. The narrative consists of a present-tense telling of events as they are happening as well as various past-tense memories; dreams and hallucinations also figure in.

When the story reaches its finale we move on to:

==================================
Conclusion

The shade that had promised judgment holds up his hand. The assault of memories halts, the other shades fall silent. The new spirit relaxes visibly.

“You’ve been given the chance to examine your life. You’ve seen the lies you lived and heard the truths as they happened. Your ability to be honest has been tested. I have seen what I need.”

The other shades walk through the gate and fade from view, leaving the spirit alone with its judge. The still air quivers, a subaudible wind begins to blow. The wind blows at the diffuse edges of the spirit, tearing away some of the blur, exposing the outline beneath. A single leaf from the great tree detaches and drifts to the shade.

The shade receives the leaf gravely. He offers it to the spirit. “Your fate.”
=================================

Thanks in advance for taking a look.

~Serzen

[bcomet]

Wow, Serz, this is fabulously interesting to me.
From what I've read and heard of your middle section, these pieces make it much richer, more interesting and understandable, and they ground it.
I might (or might not) want to know what is written on the final leaf. But I could only answer that question from reading the whole work.

Hope this is helpful feedback.

bcomet

P.S. And the imagery is delicious.

[theWallflower]

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to write, but it seems to me that you're going about the writing process wrong.

I'm not sure what you expect someone to say--there's not enough here to make a judgement. There's no plot, and no characters, just a description. If this is a prologue/antelogue, that's even more not good.

And the description that you have is extremely purple. More adjectives than you need. Chthonic is a word that has no meaning. Google search something called "The Eye of Argon". This is exactly what you do not want to do. You should be able to take out just about everything but dialogue, and still be able to follow the story. You don't speak in specifics, just vagaries and abstracts.

I can't tell if you're summarizing the prose pieces or that's the way you expect them to show up in print. I'm not sure if you know what's going to happen in the middle or not. Most writers write organically--they don't start with much but a "what if" situation and some characters, and they start writing, see what the characters would do in that situation and find out where it leads. Write the first chapter--where the plot begins, the inciting incident--and see what you get when you do that.

[marilyn peake]

Serzen,

I agree with bcomet. Your imagery is fantastic. I love your writing style - infused with mystery and depth.

[GeeGee55]

There are a few sentences that need fixing, but I don't even care because this is so interesting/compelling. I'd definitely keep reading. From what I've seen of the other passages, this could be the solution to give the reader a place to orient themselves or rest from the more intense passages of the murder, etc. Good for you for keeping on with your vision for your work.

[Sommer Leigh]

Your imagery is beautiful, it really is. I'll confess I didn't read the conclusion just in case I ever get a chance to read the whole thing, I didn't want to be spoiled!

There were a few lines that felt more clunky than enthralling, but my overall reaction was overwhelmingly positive. I think it is a great unique voice that I have never read before. I like the concept, and I love the journey even in just a few paragraphs.

One thing I caution is this: Some of your paragraphs, like paragraph 2, are lovely because they have those halting, short sentences paced between longer, flowing sentences. There's a rhythm you create between short fragments and long extensions. This flow makes reading it out loud a pleasure. But then there are some paragraphs, like the very first, that are made up of too many short fragment sentences, or in the case of your second sentence, two many short pauses. There's no rhythm and I feel too halted along the way. If this is your style, and I think it is and it is a beautiful one, you'll want to make sure you keep up the lovely rhythms that really give your imagery energy. I can tell the difference when I was reading when the rhythm was broken.

I hope you post more of this. I'd love to read more.

[Serzen]

Thanks, folks. It's encouraging. I like the term "grounding," by the way. One of my testers is reading a version without these pieces and his primary complaint was what he called "perspective shock." If I may quote him directly:

At first, I expected that there was going to be more detail to tell me who this "you" person was. I figured there was some set character or mold that you were looking to fill, but after a few pages I realized that that wasn't going to happen. This book was about me. I'm not a very interesting person, I couldn't figure out why anyone would write a book about me, but I just sort of let it go and kept reading. It's taken some getting used to, but I think I've gotten the hang of it now.

So, with what I'm hearing here so far, perhaps the intro and outro should stay, but with a little more polish. They're, perhaps, the key to being able to wrap one's head around what happens otherwise. The tempo is a little off right now. I'm just coming off having written all the "ghost" chapters, which have a very specific method to them, and it's spilled over into these a little too much. I'll probably rest the text for a week or so before I try to revise it, just to be sure I've gotten all those timing notes laid to rest.

I'm glad that this probably makes things easier, though. BOB knows it's not an easy piece of work. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry about creating, per se, engaging imagery, as much as plunder 10,000 years worth of human history to find symbols that are universal. Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe.

~Serzen

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Serzen,

I like these new pieces—a lot. Come off the fence! I know you don’t want editing advice, but you know me. I can’t help myself. The first few paragraphs are rough because they sound like a screenplay. The actions and descriptions are so simple and basic it feels far away, like I’m in the sixth row watching someone set the stage for the night’s performance. I really want to be closer. Could you bring us up to the shade so we can experience this piece, maybe not through the shades eyes, but as its shadow?

I think you did a great job otherwise. It’s clear that we are in the afterlife and this is a soul in trouble. That part about turning the eyes around was delectable. Genius.

On a practical manner, you might want to think about future query packages. Agents often ask for the first five to ten pages pasted in the email. I can think of one that doesn’t want to see anything that might come before Chapter One. How will your first pages read? The last thing you want is to confuse the bejahoose out of them. So think carefully about putting this new introduction together with your foray into the MC’s twisted mind. It’s got to cohere somehow.

Good luck!

Ghost in the Machine

[LeeLKrecklow]

I really like what you're doing. I haven't been in these forums long, but this is some of the better writing I've seen.

The introduction is solid. However, I think the conclusion is really thin. I don't need to know what's on the leaf. In fact, I'd prefer not to know; your approach there is the same as mine would likely be, but it's still missing something. I think it's too staged and ceremonious, and, in order to really interest me, I think something that's obviously out of the ordinary needs to occur. What you've written is too easy.

I'm reading this assuming that this is a process that many spirit travelers are put through. That being said, there must be a good reason you're choosing to write about this specific case. So, at the end, I'd like it to feel more unique and suspenseful. The reader should be left to chew on more than a simple "thumbs up" or "thumbs down."

Good luck and thanks for sharing. There are a lot of good things going on within your words.

[Serzen]

Ghost and Lee,

Thanks for the feedback. I broke my word to myself and picked these up last night to work on. I think I've gotten the timing fixed up the way I want in the intro, or at least a lot closer than it was. We'll see next week when I give the whole thing its umpteenth read.

As to the conclusion...I suppose it does look thin. What I wanted, want, is something that just closes simply. I spent the rest of the book presenting some, if I may be forgiven for tooting my own horn, very intense scenes, and want the conclusion to come as something of a relief. It doesn't answer any fundamental questions, it leaves you with one, but I think that the answers to the questions are probably there. The questions themselves are "Is there anything that is unforgivable? Is there any mitigation for circumstances beyond control? What makes someone worthy?"

Okay, that out of the way, the new versions:
================================================
Introduction
A figure walks across an open plain. From a distance, it appears to be the solid shape of a person; proximity gives the illusion the lie. The figure is wispy and indistinct, tendrils of substance rope away from it into the air. Diffuse light shines through it, hungry winds leave it untouched. The form plods onward until it reaches a yawning gulf. It stops and considers.

The far side is just visible, a hazy line that might be the horizon and not actually a continuation of the land. A narrow beam, no wider than the figure’s foot, spans the gap. Behind the wandering spirit, the land contracts. Soon, only the facsimile of a landscape will remain. Compelled, urged by forces greater than itself, the figure steps onto the beam.

Each step the spirit takes seems to narrow the bridge. In a short distance, the beam shrinks until it is barely as wide as two toes together. Three steps more and it is just a line a few hair’s widths thick. One more and the bridge is narrow as a razor’s edge.

The wind suddenly finds its grip and gently brushes the figure into the chasm.

Descent is swift and silent. The yellow air offers no resistance to slow the falling form; it plummets with speed that would shame a shooting star. Despite the lack of wind, the constant whispers of names fill the figure’s ears as it plummets. It is impossible to say how long the spirit falls, but it eventually reaches the ground to stand before a massive gate, timelessly old.

A tree stands before the gate, its highest branches stretch through the heights of the heavens; its endlessly tangled roots suckle at the chthonic depths. The tree is massive and mighty, it bears the weight of the world without weakness.

Beside the tree sit a number of shades. They are waiting for someone.

One of the assembled steps forward. “You are here because, even in death, you persist in denying truth. You must face judgment if you are to enter the afterlife.”

Before the newly arrived soul can speak, the gathered shades overwhelm it. They do not spare their blows: ghostly flesh is rent, spiritual bones are broken. When the torturous beating finally ends, the speaker steps forward again. He reaches out with translucent fingers and plucks the soul’s eyeballs from their sockets, reinserts them facing inward.

“Look at yourself,” he commands. “Look at what you have done. Find yourself, find the truth, and become one of us, or find nothing and cease to be. I will judge you fairly and only on what you learn. Deeds mean nothing here, only self has value.”
----
Conclusion
The shade that had promised judgment holds up his hand, halting the barrage of memories. The other shades lapse into silence, some more readily than others. The harassed soul visibly relaxes, but not entirely. The wind stirs quietly, brushing surfaces it can never grip.

“You’ve seen the lies you lived,” the judge says, “and heard the truths of life. Few are given the chance to embrace honesty after they shun it. I’ve seen what I need from you.”

The other shades file away, their service complete. Each of them fades from sight as they pass through the ancient gate; none of them will ever cross that threshold again.

A silent toll echoes through the air, reverberating against everything it touches. The wind gathers strength to rip at the thin substance of the spirit, shredding away its diffuse edges, tearing away some of the blur, exposing the outline beneath. The leaves of the great tree rattle furiously. One separates from its branch and spins to the ground.

The leaf settles near the lost soul. The judge regards the soul, flicks his eyes to the leaf, back to the soul. “Your fate.”
===================================

Thanks again to everyone who reads.

~Serzen

[BethC]

I just wanted to say I really like this. I'm not offering editing or other advice except just keep doing what you're doing. this is a story I definitely want to know more about. thanks for sharing.

[Serzen]

Thank you, Beth. I'm glad to reach even as many people as I have thus far, and glad to have reached them in the way that I seem to have.

I suppose I might as well mention, since I forgot to this morning, that the encouragement I've received thus far has swayed me to keep the intro and outro. I honestly wanted to cut them entirely, but seeing you're reactions causes me to think that there's more value at stake than I thought. Thanks for being a sounding board.

I also should mention, re: Ghost's comments about submission, that I've begun trying to teach myself to think about the process differently than I first thought. I had thought that, by BOB, good writing should stand on its own and be salable on its own. Ha! Silly me. I'm now trying to conceive of the project as a "package" that is offered up for sale, as opposed to just being a book that I wrote. It's a drastic shift, and one that I don't approve of in the least, but I think I'm getting there.

Anyway, this was all just a roundabout way of saying thanks again to people for their time, consideration and encouragement. I value it.

~Serzen

[Petronella]

I like your writing because it makes me go 'wow' this is different, perhaps even unique. Those are the things I like when I'm reading.

The scene with the bridge getting smaller and smaller gets to me in a good way. I can picture myself drawing this - a series of pictures. I used to illustrate whatever I found interesting in the books I read. Haven't for a long time but your writing is bringing back the desire.

I think, while I enjoyed reading both the Intro and the Outro, I like the Intro best.