Updated YA first page :)
Posted: April 5th, 2010, 7:09 pm
*Updated*
Thanks for the feedback everyone!
Thanks for the feedback everyone!
I really like your writing, your descriptions especially are great. A few places I found you had an over-reliance on long sentences with multiple dependent clauses. Aside from that, though, I really liked this. It had good voice.otherside89girl wrote:My (almost complete but as yet untitled) WIP is a YA novel aimed toward girls (I'm guessing...) Now that I'm almost finished with the first draft, I'm looking for some fresh eyes. Would anyone mind reading and reviewing my first page? I would really appreciate it :) Thank you, thank you!
*Edit*
The novel is about a teenage girl, Ronnie Gold, and it follows her through her freshman and senior years. It's sort of a YA romance so it talks about her and her best friend and their teenage relationships. (Haven't written a query yet or I would share some of that with you!)
Also, as I said I haven't officially started editing yet, so I will be taking out some of the "crutch" gestures, some of which are on the first page...
Well, critique away!
My first high school class. I stood outside the door, even though it was cold and dark and drizzling outside. This was typical first day of school weather for Seattle – or in my case, Benton, a little suburb most people haven’t heard of. As I peered nervously through the tiny window in the door, my breath appearing in puffs in front of my face, I frantically searched for someone else who looked like a freshman. No such luck; it looked like I would start my first day of high school alone.
I thought about scanning the room for potential friends before choosing a seat, but as soon as I opened the door I was overwhelmed by fluorescent lights and a heating vent blowing into my face. I like this sentence, nice description I looked up to see a classroom full of older students, seated grouped "seated grouped" seems unnecessary and awkward, why not just seated around... around plastic tables, staring at me. I collapsed into the chair closest to the door, dropping my backpack with a loud whump.
As I waited for the blood to drain out of my face and return to the rest of my body, I casually glanced around. I noticed some of the students already had cameras with them. Great. I didn’t even know anything about photography. The teacher, a tall think u need a comma here bald man with glasses named Mr. Mildy, started talking to the class about art and what was expected of us in this class, maybe course instead of class? with a lot of photography jargon mixed in. I kept my eyes on the black and gray flecks on of? rather than on maybe? unless they are specks on the table the plastic tabletop.
I clearly remembered signing up for this class at the beginning of the summer. My best friend Jem and I were sitting on my bedroom floor, our school forms scattered over the carpet. We were excited about our brilliant decision to go to the “artsy” school, Chimakum High, the one where we wouldn’t know anyone. We could get a fresh start. It had seemed like the best idea at the time… Jem busily signed up for theater and choir, while I randomly selected classes from the list. Drawing, painting, photography.
Sitting in Mr. Mildy’s class, listening to the monotonous hum of his voice, with the rain dripping quietly into the mud puddles outside the door, I realized that I was not an artsy person. I didn’t know how to draw, or paint, or take pictures. I kind of had this idea that when I started high school I would just become someone else; a colorful and lively person with artistic abilities. this description could be more specific, cosmopolitan? berret-wearing? latte-drinking? unshaven bohemian? skinny-jeans-wearing hipster?? In that classroom, under the blinking fluorescent lights, I felt very out of place, and very much the same person. a lot of your sentences have multiple dependent clauses, don't let this become tiring! At that moment, I felt like I would always be Ronnie Gold, no more, no less.
Suddenly, I noticed the hum had gotten louder. Apparently, notice how this sentence structure is similar to the preceding sentence? I would switch up the syntax of one or the other Mr. Mildy had instructed the class to discuss something. Chairs scraped against the floor as the other students leaned across the tables to talk to each other. I looked up at my tablemates sheepishly, but none of them seemed to notice me.
The girl across from me was leaning back in her chair, twirling a lock of hair in one hand, while the other hand waved lazily in the air, emphasizing something she was saying about driving to the city to take pictures of homeless people. this sentence is long, 4 clauses!I examined her as she talked. Her hair was straight, long, and the perfect light shade of brown. Much lighter than mine. I absently started tugging my curls, which barely grazed my collarbone, as I turned to the girl on my left. She was pretty, with black almond-shaped eyes, freckles, and stick-straight hair. i like this description She smiled a lot. I wondered what we were supposed to be talking about.
I was distracted by someone laughing behind me. I bit my lip to keep from smiling; it was infectious, a real belly laugh, and the low tones of the person’s voice were unexpectedly pleasant. Resting my chin in my hand, I slowly glanced over my shoulder. The laughing boy was leaning forward on the table, his face obscured by a black hood. Under the table, I noticed he was also wearing black pants, tucked into big black boots. Raising my eyebrows, I turned back to face my table.
An interesting start that certainly conveys the anxieties associated with starting at a new school and, on top of that, being thrown into a classroom full of older, intimidating students. Good job describing setting and characters. Best of luck with it!otherside89girl wrote:..........
My first high school class. I stood outside at the classroom door, even though it was cold and dark and drizzling outside. This was typical first day of school weather for Seattle – or in my case, Benton, a little suburb most people haven’t heard of. As I peered nervously through the door's tiny windowin the door, my breath appearing in puffs in front of my face, I frantically searched for someone else who looked like a freshman. No such luck; it looked like I would start my first day of high school alone. [Actually, the character is not "alone," just apparently the only freshman. Try and convey that in this sentence.
I tried to thought about scanning the room for potential friendsbefore choosing a seat, but as soon as I opened the door I was overwhelmed by fluorescent lights and a heating vent blowing into my face. I looked up to see and a classroom full of older students, seated grouped around plastic tables, staring at me. I collapsed into the chair closest to the door [are there any students at this table?], dropping my backpack with a loud whump.
As I waited for the blood to drain out of my face and return to the rest of my body, I casuallyglanced around. I noticed sSome of the students already had cameras with them. Great. I didn’t evendon't know anything about photography. The teacher, a tall bald man with glasses named Mr. Mildy [this makes it sound like the glasses are named Mr. Mildy], started talking to the class about art and what was expected of us in this class, with a lot of photography jargon mixed in. I kept my eyes on the black and gray flecks on the plastic tabletop.
I clearly remembered signing up for this class at the beginning of the summer. My best friend Jem and I were sitting on my bedroom floor, our school forms scattered over the carpet. We were excited about our brilliant decision to go to the “artsy” school, Chimakum High, the one where we wouldn’t know anyone. We could get a fresh start. It had seemed like the best idea at the time…, Jem busily signed up for theater and choir, while I randomly selected classes from the list.like Drawing, painting, photography.
Sitting in Mr. Mildy’s class, listening to the monotonous hum of his voice, with and the rain dripping quietlyinto the mud puddles outside the door, I realized that I was not an artsy person. I didn’t know how to draw, or paint, or take pictures. I kind of had this idea that when I started high school I would just become someone else; a colorful and lively person with artistic abilities. In that classroom, under the blinking fluorescent lights, I felt very out of place, and very much the same person. At that moment, I felt like I would always be Ronnie Gold, no more, no less.
Suddenly, I noticed the hum had gotten louder. Apparently, Mr. Mildy had instructed the class to discuss something. Chairs scraped against the floor as the other students leaned across the tables to talk to each other. I looked up at my tablemates sheepishly, but none of them seemed to notice me.
The girl across from me wasleaneding back in her chair, twirling a lock of hair in one hand, while the other hand waved lazily in the air, emphasizing something she was saying about driving to the city to take pictures of homeless people. I examined her as she talked. Her hair was straight, long, and the perfect light shade of brown. Much lighter than mine. I absently started tugging my curls, which barely grazed my collarbone, as I turned to the girl on my left. She was pretty, with black almond-shaped eyes, freckles, and stick-straight hair. She smiled a lot. I wondered what we were supposed to be talking about. [puzzling; she can't hear what they are saying?]
I was distracted by someone laughing behind me. I bit my lip to keep from smiling; it was infectious, a real belly laugh, and the low tones of the person’s voice were unexpectedly pleasant. Resting my chin in my hand, I slowly glanced over my shoulder. The laughing boy was leaning forward on the table, his face obscured by a black hood. Under the table, I noticed hHe was also wearing black pants, tucked into big black boots. Raising my eyebrows, I turned back to face my table. [Lots of "leaning" and "resting" and "raising" here but to what end?]
otherside89girl wrote:Thanks so much for the helpful feedback!
wildheart - You pointed out something other people have noticed too... I'll have to work on explaining why she's the only freshman in that class. And I was a little worried about my first sentence too, so I'll try to make it catchier. Thanks!!!
bigheadx - Your corrections were very helpful, I will definitely make some of those changes. Thank you!!