Sample Page, extra eyes needed

[Serzen]

Hello, all,

I've been struggling with purity of vision vs. marketable length for a while now, as anyone who's been following along at home knows. Ghost inspired me to try an approach I never would have come up with on my own. So if, in the end, it works everyone buys Ghost a cookie; otherwise throw your rotten vegetables in that direction, rather than mine.

It's taken a lot of re-writes and revisions, and required finding a voice other than the one in which the main narrative was written. I think I've finally found the voice and, more importantly, the tone. So that's the feedback I'm searching for right now: how does this come across? (more after the break)

=====
I forgot my passport. I was only a little way down the road when I realized it was nowhere in the car. There was still time to go back if I hurried.

All the lights in the house were off and I thought you were asleep. I tried to be as quiet as possible when I let myself in. The key stuck in the lock again and made a lot of noise. It was quiet enough that anyone asleep upstairs would never have heard it.

You were asleep on the couch.

You stirred in your sleep before going still again. I kissed your forehead as softly as possible before looking for my passport. I thought it might have been on the stand in the hall or the kitchen table. I looked upstairs in the bedroom next. I was going to be late at the rate the search was going. I felt something crash into my head.

I opened my eyes in the garage. The floor was cold and hard. The blood seeping from my scalp was hot and sticky. I never noticed the knife until you pulled it out of me. The noise it made was soft and wet. The wound on my head hurt so badly that I could not feel the one in my guts.

The knife plunged in again and again. I stood outside myself and watched you attack me after only a few blows. You struck my lifeless body too many times to count. To see myself being abused that way made me angry.

You stripped off your bloody clothes and left them in a heap. I would have shouted at you if I had had a voice. I could think but not talk. I watched you walk away until you were out of sight.

The garage door opened and you drove my car in. You parked it next to my crumpled body and walked back out into the night. I saw you for the last time as the garage door slid closed. I would have wept if it had been possible.

I looked at the mess of a body that had been my home for so long. I sat down next to it and waited because there was nothing else I could do.
=====

What I'm going for here is a fairly dispassionate recounting of events. It is intended to be the testimony of a shade. Does it work as such? Am I compelled to go back to the proverbial drawing board? Let me know.

With gratitude,

~Serzen

[shadow]

Interesting. It hooked me. Who are you talking to as you because it seems to me as if I am blamed for being the stabber lol!

[lachrymal]

I made just a few suggestions to smooth things out a bit. I changed some passive voice to active. I think you're going for a clean, spare, dispassionate voice, so I kept that in mind as I suggested changes. Overall, I think it's nice and consistent. I don't know the context, but it seems interesting and I would keep reading.

I forgot my passport. I was only a little way down the road when I realized it was not in the car. There was still time to go back if I hurried.

All the lights in the house were off and I thought you were asleep. I tried to be as quiet as possible when I let myself in. The key stuck in the lock again and made a lot of noise. It was quiet enough that anyone asleep upstairs would never have heard it.

You were asleep on the couch.

You stirred in your sleep before going still again. I kissed your forehead as softly as possible before looking for my passport. I thought it might have been on the stand in the hall or the kitchen table. I looked upstairs in the bedroom next. At this rate, I was going to be late. Something crashed into my head.

When I opened my eyes, I was in the garage. The floor was cold and hard. My blood was hot and sticky as it seeped from my scalp. I never noticed the knife until you pulled it out of me. It made a soft, wet noise. The wound on my head hurt so badly I could not feel the one in my gut.

You plunged in the knife again and again. After only a few blows, I stood outside myself and watched. You struck my lifeless body too many times to count. [I wouldn't miss the "made me angry" sentence, especially if you're going for a dispassionate voice]

You stripped off your bloody clothes and left them in a heap. I would have shouted at you if I'd had a voice. [I would delete the "shout at you" sentence because it is redundant with the previous sentence] I watched you walk away [again, "until you were out of sight" is unnecessary].

The garage door opened and you drove my car in. You parked it next to my crumpled body and walked back out into the night. I saw you for the last time as the garage door slid closed. I would have wept had it been possible.

I looked at the mess, at the body that had been my home for so long. I sat down next to it and waited because there was nothing else I could do.

[Serzen]

I made just a few suggestions to smooth things out a bit. I changed some passive voice to active. I think you're going for a clean, spare, dispassionate voice, so I kept that in mind as I suggested changes. Overall, I think it's nice and consistent. I don't know the context, but it seems interesting and I would keep reading.

Thanks, lachrymal. I know the sentences are not always ideal, but much of it was a choice I made aware of that. That said, I do like the way you've changed a couple of them. I intentionally eschewed commas and contractions for this portion (and all other portions that will be like it), relying solely on the period. It's very challenging, but I think rewarding. In English there are only so many ways one can form a sentence; in Classical Latin you could move all kinds of words around to achieve different levels of emphasis. I'm striving towards a blend of the two, structurally.

Interesting. It hooked me. Who are you talking to as you because it seems to me as if I am blamed for being the stabber lol!

Well, actually, that's a compliment. The 'you' is supposed to be YOU the reader. This piece is the shade of a victim speaking to its attacker. I'm glad it works.

Thanks for the feedback,

~Serzen

[GeeGee55]

Serzen:

I once had a mentor tell me about a story I was working on: it is alive, it is alive, and that is everything. When I read this I was reminded of that comment. This is most definitely alive and interesting. I agree with the suggestions Lachy made, from a craft point of view it improves the sentences and doesn't change the voice much.

I don't understand what you mean when you say the testimony of a shade. Drawing a blank on that. Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, good luck with it.

[lachrymal]

I see, you want to go almost punctuation free! I'm the worst person to give feedback on that because I'm like a super-punctuator! I go way over the top. I actually saw what you were trying to do and tried to keep my suggestions simple. But anyway, if that's what you want to do--no punctuation except the period, and you really want to get attention with it, it must be both clean/spare AND must flow. I believe what you need to do is shorten some of the sentences up to avoid having a reader (like, an agent) thinking it's awkward.

Like: "I was going to be late at the rate the search was going" could just be "The search was taking too long. I was going to be late." or just "I was going to be late" because the implication would be it was the search that was causing the lateness.

Or: "I stood outside myself and watched you attack me after only a few blows" could be "It only took a few blows. Then I stood outside myself and watched you."

Or: "I looked at the mess of a body that had been my home for so long" Could just be: "I looked at the mess. I looked at body that had been my home for so long." or just "I looked at the body that had been my home for so long." or even "I looked at the body that had been my home." or "I looked at the bloody body that had once been my home".

You could also include sentence frags, but it seems like you want complete sentences. I don't envy you your challenge. I really like the idea. Keep at it. I'm sure it will be worth it! Best of luck.

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Serzen,

If people must fling food my way, I prefer vegetables over cookies, as long as they’re fresh. Tomatoes, cucumbers, and carrots would make a nice salad.

Okay, enough of the food channel. Based on my inside knowledge of the situation, this is a good start. But why, oh why, must this new voice be dispassionate? This is such a strong scene; passion would be welcome. There is mention of anger at the murderer, but why not go all out? The victim was murdered by someone they loved and trusted. This act was out of the blue! Do we lose our emotions when we lose our bodies?

Did you see the movie “Contact” with Jodie Foster? In the beginning, you see the earth from space and hear a cacophony of sound from all the TV and radio stations coming from earth. I wonder if you might view this scene as a recording of the victim’s emotional state and thoughts sent out into the universe in the same way. Then putting in the passion would make sense.

Another reason to inject emotion: it will make this voice more distinct. I would have to go back to check, but I’m not sure if this voice is all that different from the MC.

Stylistic critique: Lots of these sentences start with “I did this” then “I did that” over and over. Is that part of the dispassion? Are spirits’ thoughts supposed to be simple? Reading-wise, it’s dull.

Also, could we have some more information please? You need to up the word count, so set the scene and give us some juicy background tidbits. Where is this person going when they forget their passport? If the lights are out, maybe the new voice can bump into a table and knock off a picture of the happy couple. Then the new voice can have a moment to recall a vacation spot, a birthday, or some event that tells the reader about their relationship. Maybe the murderer is wearing a piece of clothing given to them by the victim. Little things like this can paint a picture of this couple and make the murder all the more puzzling.

Suggestion for the ending: Being murdered is a big deal. I like how the new voice doesn’t know what is happening at first. But I would draw the moments before their death out with the knife and the overwhelming feelings of pain and horror. Then have the person outside their body and looking down at their corpse. At first they are overcome with grief, realizing all the things they will never do. Then the murderer comes into view and they realize the murderer is their beloved. I would be tempted to end this section with that shock – “It was you!” On the other hand, I love your last sentence about the spirit sitting down next to their body because it was the only thing they could think of to do.

Alrighty then, start pitching those veggies!

Ghost in the Machine

[Serzen]

Short reply for now. Longer later, I hope.

Ghost, thanks for asking about being able to feel. It's actually slated to be addressed in another of these pieces. The answer is that the spirit left on the earth is only capable of emotion for three to seven days after being separated from its body.

GeeGee, the testimony of the shade is that it's a recitation of events as remembered by the person who experienced them. The shade was murdered and is, at the time of this telling, testifying as to the actions of the person whodunnit. In this case, 'You'.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

~Serzen

[Serzen]

Okay, so here goes some more stuff. It might be a little jumbled.

Ghost, I thank you for the note about style. I'm still searching for the full voice of these shades. I'm getting closer, but it's difficult. I'm trying to take it to heart as I work on the next appearance by this shade. The idea about including extra memories in one to keep in mind. It's beyond the scope of what I've been aiming for but it might well be worth it--in fact it could actually lend to the dispassion of the recitations, if I spin it out correctly.

Lachrymal, I agree that some things are, if not full on awkward, unclear. I'm not sure that I like them unclear, so I may be editing around them as time rolls by. It's going to be a tricky call. All too often when I try something new I don't wind up getting into the groove until I'm pretty far along; it results in making a lot of changes to the beginning so that the pieces match. Hopefully I'll find where I'm going before too long.

Now, then, the second appearance by this shade:
=====
I was left on that cold floor for time beyond counting. I sat there next to myself for a long time. I was shocked that the end could be such a simple thing. Was there nothing left to do but watch myself decompose?

I could hear you as you came and went. I could only travel a few feet from my body. Just far enough to see out the window. You lived your life as if nothing had changed. I was rotting in the garage and you thought nothing of it. It made me angry.

Impotent rage boiled through me. I tried to use my fury. My fingers could not grasp anything. I desperately wanted to hurt you. I wanted to not be forgotten.

The days passed like centuries. The anger comforted me after the shock wore off. I told myself I would have my revenge. I plotted while you were at work. To think I had once been concerned about you.

I was scared and confused when I was not angry. Knowing that you were neither helped keep me angry. I was jealous of your freedom. I wanted to leave the garage. I wanted to get away from my stinking corpse. The fact that I could hear and smell confused me. I could neither speak nor touch. I was not brave enough to see if I could taste.

I wondered if I could touch other souls. I would try to rip yours out if you came back into the garage . I wondered if you had a soul. How could you? You killed me after everything we had had together. You left me to rot. A mouse would have been disposed of.

My shadow fingers would have had nothing to get hold of.

Three days passed. Three long eons. I stomped around ineffectively. I silently cursed you. I longed to torture you for the rest of my existence. And then I was still. The fury that had given me purpose was gone. The fear that had enveloped me was gone. I was still a prisoner.

But I knew what it meant to be free.
=====
The idea is that emotion remembered is not emotion felt. The shade remembers what it was like after the shock wore off, but can't feel those things now. It can testify to what it felt and experienced, but cannot actually do so with passion.

My job, then, is to structure the sentences with just the right word order that will allow the reader to infer passion where there is none. Once I get that down I can concern myself with going back and looking at things like Ghost's extra details and observations.

Hope this helps shed more light. Let me know if it begs more questions.

~Serzen

[JTB]

two points

one

As someone else said way too many sentences begin with I, this is annoying and indulgent and doesn't garner sympathy for the character just makes him sound into himself. You could reverse the structure of the sentence.

from: I was left on that cold floor for time beyond counting. I sat there next to myself for a long time. I was shocked that the end could be such a simple thing. Was there nothing left to do but watch myself decompose?

to: Left on that cold floor, I sat there next to myself for a long time, shocked that the end could be such a simple thing.

Knock things like, 'I could hear you as you came and went,' back to, 'You came and went.' It's more powerful and we do not need to be told what he can see or hear - you can just tell us.

Two

too many repititions and confused emotions 'I was scared and confused when I was not angry ....' then ' jealous' ? This guy is wet, emotionally illiterate, needy and selfish - if that's what he's meant to be OK, but I'm not convinced you want that.

From: Three days passed. Three long eons.
To: Three days passed, eons.

take out all of his internal whinging and concentrate on his actions and you've got a killer scene and the purity of vision you're looking for

[Serzen]

Okay, here's another take. It's not what _I_ wanted, but it seems to be what other people want to see. Maybe there's a compromise.
=====
I forgot my passport, the biggest rookie mistake possible. Fortunately, I hadn’t gotten too far. One three-point turn and five minutes of driving too fast and I was back home. All the lights were already out and I figured you had gone back to bed. Your job was a constant drain on your psyche; if my expedition went well, we could move away and you could find something better.

The key stuck in the lock, again, ruining any chance I had of making a silent entry. I doubted it would wake you. You always had been a heavy sleeper.

Home. I would miss it over the next two weeks. Nothing is as comforting as the smell of home, especially when you’ve been living in tents with six other people. If I wanted to get home, I’d have to leave. That meant finding the stupid passport.

It wasn’t on the stand in the hall, or in any of my coat pockets in the closet. I left the lights off and slipped into the kitchen. The only thing on the table was a month-old pile of junk mail. Great. Every minute that ticked away was putting me further behind.

There was always the chance I had left it upstairs on the dresser. You were sleeping quietly on the couch. I kissed your forehead gently and crept up the stairs. With only the faint glow of the bathroom nightlight to guide me, I resumed the search.

Something heavy crashed into the back of my skull.

My body felt like it had been kicked down a flight of stairs. A cold concrete floor bit my palms. The comingled scents of metal, oil and chemicals assaulted my nose. For a long moment, I could hear the awful sound of nothing. When my senses returned, it was to find themselves in the garage.

A bright, naked bulb burned my eyes. The hard floor made every square inch of flesh and tissue ache. Something burned frigidly in my guts. I looked down to see you pull my best chef’s knife out of me. Blood seeped out with it, tainting the air with its hot stink.

I was too shocked to make any noise but a gasp. The knife went back in. Thrust after thrust, until I found myself standing outside my body, looking on. You stabbed furiously, silently, long after I was dead. By the time I found the will to cry out it was too late. I had no voice. The raw abuse you heaped on my body filled me with rage, but I had no way to act on it.

And then the shock of separation settled in.

I watched numbly as you stripped off your clothes and left them in a heap beside my body. I watched you walk carelessly away. The only thing I could bring myself to feel was curiosity as to what would happen next.

The garage door opened. You drove my car in and parked it next to the rest of the grisly evidence. The fact that I could smell the exhaust registered dully somewhere in my being.

You carefully cleaned the knife without once looking in my direction. I was as disinterested as you and never noticed you turn the light off. The last I saw of you was your naked ass retreating into the night as the garage door slid closed.

I looked down at the ruined mass of flesh that had been my home for so long. Multicolored fluids drained out and pooled on the floor. Careful to avoid the puddle, I sat down to wait. There was nothing else for me to do.
=====
It utilizes vehicles that I'm not sure that I want to, but there's probably enough in there that can be salvaged.

~Serzen

[ryanznock]

I like the spareness of the first two segments you shared, but I could only take so much. It works as a hook, but I don't think I'd want to read a whole book from that perspective.

If you were writing in present tense, I could see switching from 'normal' style with colorful descriptions to a more bare style upon the narrator's death. But for past tense, consistency is good.

I feel you've got a strong enough style and grasp on writing, since my first reaction was, "I want to read more," rather than, "Hm, how can I help this poor writer?" I could provide more precise critique, but I'd need to know more about where the story's going. What do you have planned for the story as a whole?

[Serzen]

I like the spareness of the first two segments you shared, but I could only take so much. It works as a hook, but I don't think I'd want to read a whole book from that perspective.

If you were writing in present tense, I could see switching from 'normal' style with colorful descriptions to a more bare style upon the narrator's death. But for past tense, consistency is good.

I feel you've got a strong enough style and grasp on writing, since my first reaction was, "I want to read more," rather than, "Hm, how can I help this poor writer?" I could provide more precise critique, but I'd need to know more about where the story's going. What do you have planned for the story as a whole?

Thanks, ryanznock. I appreciate the look and the time.

For clarity's sake, the samples posted here are not intended to ever be more than a few hundred words at a clip. They're interludes during the course of the main narrative. Allow me to back up in order to move forward:

BROKEN MIRROR is a study in both psychology and cultural anthropology. It's a look at the state we call (in)sanity as well as an examination of the multiplicity of the human soul. Sort of a "what if Dr Freud had been a shaman?" approach. But not. The primary narrative (which I had intended to be the only one) deals with a person who is psychotic but still manages to live a normal life. Even as the person experiences an extended breakdown, the only clues s/he has right up until the end are feelings of distractedness.

There is now, in development, a secondary narrative (which helps to explain the first one a little better, plus provides some foreshadowing, blahblahblah) that is the testimony of the shades of the victims of the main character's previous breaks. In the case of the voice being explored in the entries in this thread, it's obviously a murder victim. The victims are being given a chance to tell their sides of the story.

So, what I'm doing, then, is telling the primary narrative right along and then, where it is apropos, splitting off to give the other point of view. In the case of the examples this thread is concerned with the Main Character is asleep on the couch *thinking* that s/he is experiencing a dream. In reality, s/he's committing homicide. Thus, whilst one is a very active description, the other is bare and dry. One is the wonders of some lush garden with an idyllic river, the other is the stark horror of betrayal by the one you held most dear.

BROKEN MIRROR is written in the second person. The protagonist is You. But that's difficult to read and usually very disturbing for people. So I'm creating these interludes to break up the pace a little. They're written, nominally, in the first person. Nevertheless, they're actually in the second person. It gives the reader a moment to think that things are letting up without actually giving them a break. I might no longer be telling you what you're feeling or thinking, but now I'm accusing you of something worse and/or taunting you. It actually adds to the unease because it is so misleading.

Anyway, if that helps clear up my goals and it provides you with enough to generate more feedback and critique, great. If you want to know more, I'll see what I can do.

Again, thanks to all of you who have provided valuable insight.

~Serzen

[GeeGee55]

Don't worry about what other people want to hear, worry about what you have to say, it's the one and only thing you have to offer - paraphrasing Barbara Kingsolver. It seems to me that your heart really was not in that third piece you posted and it shows. So consider very carefully the criticisms that others offer you, but ultimately you decide. And a mentor I had said that, sometimes, when you consider a suggestion that someone has given you a third way will come to you that was not evident before. Good luck with it.

[ryanznock]

Serzen, that sounds really interesting (and, dare I say it, cool). It looks hard as hell to pull off, but I'd definitely like to read more of it if you're looking for feedback.