Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

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shadow
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Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by shadow » March 11th, 2010, 11:05 am

REVISION AT THE BOTTOM!Guys and girls I have thick skin so be rough! Trust me, I got used to it. So I posted this before but I completely rewrote it and I am sure this is the final version so I would really like to get some constructive critique on it. My main question is does it hook you? Would you read on? Does it stink? Jelly Beans for commenters :D

Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and he felt his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die.

The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a big angry-looking human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side, his father watching his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.

His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the seeker rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. A quiet drumming beat was heard in the background but everything around Vitiosus seemed blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that drummed in his head.
Last edited by shadow on March 11th, 2010, 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by JustineDell » March 11th, 2010, 12:07 pm

Can I trade the jelly beans for Jolly Ranchers? ;-)

[quote="shadow"]

Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail What's "mail'? I don't know if it's a fantasy thing? that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and he felt his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die. Try to leave out "he felt" in the last sentence. Just say "his father's glare burned into his back. Same goes for any other version of "he felt, or he heard".

The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a big angry-looking human Is there a better term for "big angry looking human"? I mean, I get the visual, but I think you could punch it up a bit. who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side. His father watched his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.

His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the seeker seeker? Is that the warrior? rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. A quiet drumming beat was heard in the background but everything around Vitiosus seemed blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that drummed in his head. You use the word drummed twice in this last sentence, and the phrase "was heard". You could take out the heard by saying "A quiet drumming beat echoed in the backgroud. Everything around Vitiosus was blurred except for his speeding hearbeat that thumped in his head." Or something like that.[/quote]

I like this Shadow! I really do. You had me right here: "He had no choice now. Kill or die." I would keep reading this. I added my commentary in red, and I changed a part in blue. Thanks for sharing :-)

~JD
Last edited by JustineDell on March 11th, 2010, 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by shadow » March 11th, 2010, 12:15 pm

REVISION AT THE BOTTOM!!!

Jolly Ranchers for you JD! Hundreds of em :) Thanks so much for your advice. Here is a reworked verison. P.S. Mail is the thing warriors wear to protect their bodies. To better describe it it's like those little hooks of metal connected to make a shirt sort of thing.

Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die.

The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a ferocious looking human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side. His father watched his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.

His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the warrior rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. Everything around Vitiosus was blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that thumped in his head.

“Let the battle until death, begin!” announced the king. Vitiosus and the warrior eyed each other tensely. The seeker walked forward and lifted his gem encrusted, platinum sword into the air. Vitiosus raised his own weapon trying to control his rapid breathing. His heart pounded, but he held fast and kept his focus on his adversary; he had to be ready for an attack. The crowd grew silent when the warrior’s blade cut in, his face twisted in a grimace. Vitiosus met it with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow sent a shock of pain through Vitiosus's hands and he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the cut and prepared his reply.
Last edited by shadow on April 1st, 2010, 12:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by JustineDell » March 11th, 2010, 12:20 pm

JustineDell wrote:
shadow wrote:

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the seeker seeker? Is that the warrior? rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. A quiet drumming beat was heard in the background but everything around Vitiosus seemed blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that drummed in his head. You use the word drum twice in this last sentence, and the phrase "was heard". You could take out the heard by saying "A quiet drumming beat echoed in the backgroud. Everything around Vitiosus was blurred except for his speeding hearbeat that thumped in his head." Or something like that.[/quote]


~JD
I forgot to make this part in red orginally. Just a suggestion, of course.

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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by shadow » March 11th, 2010, 12:29 pm

Thanks for another great suggestion JD. I did't notice I used the same word twice in one sentence :). I tend to do that sometimes. lol.
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by JustineDell » March 11th, 2010, 12:29 pm

shadow wrote:
“Let the battle until death, begin!” announced the king. Vitiosus and the warrior eyed each other tensely. The seeker walked forward and lifted his gem encrusted, platinum sword into the air. Vitiosus raised his own weapon trying to control his rapid breathing. His heart pounded, but he held fast and kept his focus on his adversary; he had to be ready for an attack. The crowd grew silent when the warrior’s blade cut in, his face twisted in a grimace. Vitiosus met it with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow sent a shock of pain through Vitiosus's hands and he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the cut and prepared his reply.
I like this last paragraph, but there are time whens I don't know what is happening to who (the last three sentences). For example, when you say "the warrior's blade cut in", I get the visual that it actually struck Vitiosus. Which it didn't. Again, it may be I don't understand the wording - but I thought I would point it out.

But, I would still keep reading ;-)

~JD

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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by shadow » March 11th, 2010, 9:35 pm

Thanks for that hint JD I will look into it. Any more comments guys?
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by A.M.Kuska » March 12th, 2010, 10:25 am

shadow wrote:Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die.
I'm pretty hard to hook, but yes I would go onto the next paragraph. I do think you could cut "a few" from the first sentence. We know if there are guards there are bound to be more than one and less than ten, which ends up being a few anyway.
The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a ferocious looking human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side. His father watched his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.
From a throne? Is it not his throne?

You used the word tunic twice in the same paragraph.

I would still continue reading. I'm curious.
His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.
Warning: Mini-rant about fighting here. Feel free to skip. It has nothing to do with writing really.

Here you lose me, and it's not the fault of your writing. Fighting is muscle memory. When people first start a martial art, or fencing, or any other combat sport, they lose a lot. Yes they've practiced what ever moves they are using. Yes they are just as quick and strong as the other opponent, but still they lose. The reason is because they are trying to be too smart about it.

I'm a third degree brown belt in judo, I've taken four other martial arts. My best friend is in fencing, and has discussed the same topic with me. We lose until the clutter that fills our mind of what move we're going to do next and how we're going to apply it goes away. We need to stop thinking, "If he does THIS I'm going to do THAT" and...just go.

That's it. That's all there is to winning. Just go. Your body will take over. Your body will see the move that slides you into the win. You just act. You won't win until you let go, unless its by sheer accident, a lucky flail in the right direction.

Okay, I'm done now. *climbs off soap box*
Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the warrior rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. Everything around Vitiosus was blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that thumped in his head.
Which makes me wonder how fair of a fight this is going to be. Has this warrior been fed? Allowed to rest? Dangled from his wrists so that he's too tired to lift a sword properly? I'm guessing not, because of Vitiosus' attitude.
“Let the battle until death, begin!” announced the king. Vitiosus and the warrior eyed each other tensely. The seeker walked forward and lifted his gem encrusted, platinum sword into the air. Vitiosus raised his own weapon trying to control his rapid breathing. His heart pounded, but he held fast and kept his focus on his adversary; he had to be ready for an attack. The crowd grew silent when the warrior’s blade cut in, his face twisted in a grimace. Vitiosus met it with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow sent a shock of pain through Vitiosus's hands and he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the cut and prepared his reply.
Definitely want to read on here, although I don't recall hearing anything about a seeker until this point.

I would probably read three or four more pages before deciding whether to buy this book or not. The main conflict hasn't been presented yet, and that's what I'm interested in. This keeps me reading because it's active, entertaining, and well-written. It's not the story however, it's set up. I'd need to see the back flap at the very least to decide if it's the book for me.

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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by charity_bradford » March 12th, 2010, 12:32 pm

I purposely did not read any of the other comments, so if I repeat what has already been said, I apologize. Also, these are just my opinions and reactions as I read, for whatever they are worth. If my comments seem overly nitpicky, it is because those kinds of comments have helped me the most when people critique my work.
Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor (Passive voice that can easily be switched around for a quick fix) . He had to look cool, unemotional. (Why? Maybe say he hoped he looked cool, unemotional?) The (maybe say chain mail?) mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die. (This was the hook for me. I wanted to keep reading to find out why this was so.)

The noise of the Lassertas (commoners? The term is new to me, so you may want to define it.) that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a ferocious looking human(Is Vitiosus human? If they are both human just say "man". If Vitiosus is not human I didn't catch that anywhere.) who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side. His father watched his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic.(You have a lot of short sentences here. Can you combine or elaborate to help it flow better?) Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing(passive, easy fix to "he wore a white...") a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance.(This feels a little awkward. Maybe break this one up? Yeah, I'm a contradictory mess, but if you read things out loud you will get a feel for the natural flow of the words.) Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior(I was getting the image of a great slobbering, dirty brute. So if he is feeling respect for a great warrior if doesn't fit or work for me.) and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.("what he realized was about to happen" ?? trying to help the wordiness.

His father must have already(can leave out) introduced the battle to the crowd, for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs(would read better something like this, "because the guards began removing the shackles...". He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.Seems thrown in to me. Maybe rephrase it so that we see he has two goals here, 1. live 2. earn the right to be the heir.)

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the warrior rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles(sounds like he is rubbing red skin off of the shackles.). The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. Everything around Vitiosus was blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that thumped in his head.
(can he see his heartbeat in his head?

“Let the battle until death, begin!” announced the King. Vitiosus and the warrior eyed each other tensely. The seeker(who is the seeker? Where did he come from?) walked forward and lifted his gem encrusted, platinum sword into the air. Vitiosus raised his own weapon trying to control his rapid breathing. His heart pounded, but he held fast and kept his focus on his adversary; he had to be ready for an attack. The crowd grew silent when the warrior’s blade cut in, his face twisted in a grimace. Vitiosus met it with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow sent a shock of pain through Vitiosus's hands and he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the cut and prepared his reply.
I would probably read a few more pages to see where this is going. I hope that helps. :)
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by henyad » March 12th, 2010, 7:08 pm

Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and he felt his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die.
I'm confused. What is "mail"? What's going on exactly? Consider doing away with all the details. You are not writing a story. You are trying to hook the agent. I am not hooked. (but I'm also not an agent :)) Seriously, I don't need to hear the "calm" "Unemotional" "clattered slightly". In addition, you have me question his father's glare. Simplify. Get to the meat of the story and not the details surrounding it.

The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a big angry-looking human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side, his father watching his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.
Watch your tenses. You shift them often. Don't need to see what the "human" looks like. Need to see what this is all about. Again, take away all the ancillary details. They are not relevan in a query.
His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, something about his father I feel is important here. But I don't know what it is.for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the seeker rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. A quiet drumming beat was heard in the background but everything around Vitiosus seemed blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that drummed in his head.
This sounds interesting. You have nice details I'd love to read in your book. Consider shortening this query to bare and important bones. Good luck.

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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by shadow » March 12th, 2010, 7:15 pm

henyad wrote:Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and he felt his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die.
I'm confused. What is "mail"? What's going on exactly? Consider doing away with all the details. You are not writing a story. You are trying to hook the agent. I am not hooked. (but I'm also not an agent :)) Seriously, I don't need to hear the "calm" "Unemotional" "clattered slightly". In addition, you have me question his father's glare. Simplify. Get to the meat of the story and not the details surrounding it.

The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a big angry-looking human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side, his father watching his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.
Watch your tenses. You shift them often. Don't need to see what the "human" looks like. Need to see what this is all about. Again, take away all the ancillary details. They are not relevan in a query.
His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, something about his father I feel is important here. But I don't know what it is.for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the seeker rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. A quiet drumming beat was heard in the background but everything around Vitiosus seemed blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that drummed in his head.
This sounds interesting. You have nice details I'd love to read in your book. Consider shortening this query to bare and important bones. Good luck.
LOL. Thanks for your feedback but this is not a query :) this is the first few paragraphs of my story. Should I still be taking in your advice even though you meant it for a query? LOL Anyways thatbks for all the great comments everyone!
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by GeeGee55 » March 12th, 2010, 11:19 pm

Anything for Jellybeans! I'm assuming this is not a query but the opening of the novel.

Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted for me, the passive works here because of the situation he's in out into the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected his chest clattered slightly as he walked and his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die. This first paragraph hooks me for lots of reasons. It starts in close third POV and lots of sensual details, the breathing, the mail clattering against his chest, I like that. Character really interests me, but situation does also, lots of tension in that kill or die. So, definitely, does hook me.

The noise of the Lassertas that crowded around the village square drowned out the yells of a ferocious looking human- kind of awkward, and implies that V is not human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus’ side. His father watched his every move from a throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing a white tunic with elaborate designs on the collar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky,= cut but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who eyes are not who they are that or which locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort at the sight of this great warrior and what he was starting to realize was about to occur.

His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, for the next thing Vitiosus saw were the guards removing the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughts focusing on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle. This strikes me as inaccurate. I'm not an athlete, but I know that it's reaction due to training, coupled with intuition that makes an athlete, if you take time to think the moment is past If he would live to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers, and the warrior rubbed the red -cut, too many adj sore skin from the shacklesThis is not worded properly - he rubbed the red skin where the shackles had been. The guards then handed him his sword. Other guards = cutand pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. Everything around Vitiosus was blurred except for his speeding heartbeat that thumped in his head.

“Let the battle until death, begin!” announced the king. Vitiosus and the warrior eyed each other tensely. The seeker walked forward and lifted his gem encrusted, platinum sword into the air. Vitiosus raised his own weapon trying to control his rapid breathing. His heart pounded, but he held fast and kept his focus on his adversary; he had to be ready for an attack - cut, obvious. The crowd grew silent. when the warrior’s blade cut in, his face twisted in a grimace. Vitiosus met it with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow sent a shock of pain through Vitiosus's hands and he barely managed to maintain his grip as he redirected the cut and prepared his reply.[/quote]

Well, I love editing, so always looking for ways to improve sentences, flow. I would keep reading this. Yes, it hooks me. When do I get my Jellybeans?

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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by KaylingR » March 14th, 2010, 4:31 pm

Found this after working on your query, which intrigued me. I really like this and would definitely keep reading. Nice tension, there's clearly a lot behind this match and I'm anxious to read more. I think it's a little overwritten and reads stronger with trimming, but that's your judgement call . :) -K.

Vitiosus calmed his breathing as he was escorted out in to the centre of the village square by a few guards dressed in midnight black armor. (Definitely want your first sentence active: Midnight guards escorted Vitiousus to the Village Square. He calmed his breathing.) He had to look cool, unemotional. The mail that protected protecting his chest clattered slightly as he walked and his father’s glare burned into his back. He had no choice now. Kill or die.

The noise of the Lassertas that crowd ed around the village square drowned out the yells of a the ferocious looking human who was held back by chains and guards. The guards left Vitiosus ' side. His father watched his every move from a (' his' or 'the' ) throne. The human stopped struggling and stared at him. He was tall, with rippling muscles showing through his torn tunic. Unlike Vitiosus’ black leather clothes, he was wearing wore a white tunic with elaborate designs on thecollar and sleeves, and a leather pleated skirt with gold accents. His dark blonde hair was stained with mud, making it look brown, and lanky, but what Vitiosus noticed most were the warrior’s piercing blue eyes, who locked on Vitiosus in defiance. Vitiosus tried to hide his discomfort fear? at the sight of this great warrior and he was starting to realize knew was about to occur.

His father must have already introduced the battle to the crowd, for the next thing Vitiosus saw were The guards removing removed the shackles from the warrior’s arms and legs. He drowned out his negative thoughtsfocusing focused on what his master had taught him. Strength is important, but it will not lead to victory. It is the mind that will outsmart your opponent in battle (this needs to be in italics or quotes, otherwise the tense shift is strange) . If he would live lived to see tomorrow he would no longer be the King’s son, ; he would be a warrior and heir to the throne.

Vitiosus breathed in deeply and slid out his sword, waiting. The crowd erupted in cheers , . and The warrior rubbed the red sore skin from the shackles. (unless they were cheering for the human and not V) The guards then handed him the human his gem encrusted, platinum sword. Other guards pushed the crowd back to make room for the battle. Everything around Vitiosus was blurred except for his the speeding heartbeat that thumped in his head.

“Let the battle until death, begin!” announced the king. Vitiosus and the warrior eyed each other tensely. The seeker (?) walked forward and lifted his gem encrusted, platinum sword into the air. Vitiosus raised his ownweapon trying to control his rapidbreathing. His heart pounded, but he held fast and kept his focus on his adversary; he had to be ready for anattack. The crowd grew silent when the warrior’s blade cut in, his face twisted in a grimace (is somebody hit here? unclear exactly what is happening.) . Vitiosus met it with his own, steel sliding against steel. The force of the blow sent a shock of pain through Vitiosus's hands and he barely managed struggled to maintain his grip as he redirected the cut thrust and prepared his reply.

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eringayles
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by eringayles » March 17th, 2010, 6:57 am

You've had some good advice, but I don't think anyone's picked up on 'cool' yet. It's not language of the genre. Also, ditch 'midnight' and 'piercing' for more original words.
Good ideas.

JTB
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Re: Does this opening hook you? *Jelly Beans for replies!

Post by JTB » March 25th, 2010, 5:44 am

I'm almost impossible to hook and you dint do it for me (i;m a nobody so it's not lke it matters dude)

any how, if the opening had read....


Vitiosus was escorted out into the centre of the village square; cool and unemotional. He had no choice. Kill or die.


... I'd have read the rest

go get 'em with it, you know you wanna

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