Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

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mysterywriter82
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Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

Post by mysterywriter82 » May 9th, 2018, 7:25 pm

Hello All,
I need some critiquing done on my unfinished manuscript. Please let me know where I need to polish some. Here is Chapter 1 to start. Any and all feedback is welcome. I seriously need the help. Thanks. Brian.



Chapter 1
Six o’clock on the dot. Rebecca Austin was always the last to leave the Santa Exhibit where she worked during the holidays. Tonight, was no different except for the last-minute shopper in the parking lot which was pitch black. Maintenance hadn’t fixed the lights and there was no video cameras working yet. She knew the area pretty well, so there was really nothing to worry about or so she thought. While she was walked to her car she got the feeling that she was being watched. Her skin began to crawl and sweat poured down her spine that was bone chilling. At first she thought it was a bunch of teenage boys trying to scare her.
She was quick to dismiss the thought, but then all of a sudden she heard something off in the distance. By the time she got to her car, she sweating with fear so much that it was beginning to drench her clothes. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. A dark figure appeared out of nowhere. She couldn’t make out any features, but she went ahead and called out to the figure.
“Hello? Can I help you,” she said?
The figure didn’t respond. Rebecca tried again to speak to the figure. This time it moved into the light. It was a man dressed as Santa Claus.
“Oh Mr. Griffith it’s you. I thought you were someone else. Shouldn’t you be heading home?”
The man didn’t speak. Rebecca started getting nervous. He started to move closer. Rebecca couldn’t figure out why the man wasn’t speaking to her. Something wasn’t right. Then she saw the look in his eyes and finally realized that it wasn’t who she thought it was. Then he pulled out a hunting knife. Putting two and two together she ran to the nearest alcove to hide. She could hear him breathing heavy as he walked by. He couldn’t see her from where he was at, so he continued his search. After he passed by, she breathed silently. She decided to back up further into the alcove until the man left. As she was walking backwards into the alcove she felt something cold at her feet. When she looked down she almost screamed, but didn’t. There were two dead bodies piled on top of each other. Instantly she recognized them. It was Mr. and Mrs. Griffith Both of the bodies were stripped down to their undergarments and blood oozed out from underneath them.
The man passed by without incident. After she thought he was gone she left the alcove to go get help, but he was right there waiting for her. She tried fighting her way out of, but out of nowhere a pair of hands covered her mouth with a rag full of chloroform. At first Rebecca continued to fight her attackers, but after five minutes her body gave into the chloroform and everything went black.
The two attackers drug the body to a different alcove where they could do their work in peace. A security guard drove by. The two killers stopped what they were doing and stood to wave at the security guard. The security guard waved back and didn’t notice anything strange. The man dressed as Santa and his accomplice dressed as Mrs. Claus returned to the alcove where the body was and continue their work.
Carefully they removed her shirt and bra. The woman held down the body while the man started cutting Rebecca’s skin with a scalpel. He carefully removed the skin revealing bone. After that was done the woman handed him a bone saw in order to cut through her breast bone. Once he was done cutting, he slowly removed the heart. The woman went to Rebecca’s car removing anything that would give away the fact they were there. After removing evidence of their presence she noticed a bunch of boxes laying around, so she got an idea and took one of the boxes and brought it back to the man and the bodies. When she returned with the box the man placed the heart in a cooler they brought with them. The woman took the heart out of the cooler and placed it in the box with a gift tag made out to a William Atoms. After that was done they began to clean up the blood. Suddenly they heard the security guard coming back around. They moved more quickly in cleaning up their mess. Then as quickly as they cleaned up the scene, they left leaving no evidence behind.
The security guard came around just as the killers were leaving. He noticed that the people dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus left in a hurry. He just thought that maybe they just had an emergency and went to leave, but something told him to investigate further. He went to his golf cart to get his flashlight. Once he got his flashlight he walked around for a bit making sure that no cars were broken into. Just as he was about to leave, he saw a pair of legs sticking out of the darkness. He went over to see what was going on. What he found made him sick. There was three dead bodies hidden in an alcove and one of them was missing the heart.
He noticed a box near one of the bodies and immediately went to his cart for his radio and called for backup and to notify the local police. Once the other security guards arrived on the scene they saw what they were dealing with and waited for the police to show up.

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

Post by J. T. SHEA » May 11th, 2018, 4:06 am

Interesting, Brian. Just a few thoughts:-
I've bolded and italicised words I've added or moved, and struck-through those I think could be omitted.
You don't say what it is Rebecca tries to fight out of.
The Point of View change is unusual and might irritate some readers, but not me.
I don't understand why the woman takes Rebecca's heart out of the cooler immediately after the man put it in there.
You might find an editing program like Grammarly useful.
'Cirtique' should be 'Critique' no doubt.
I hope other readers will respond too.

Chapter 1
Six o’clock on the dot. Rebecca Austin was always the last to leave the Santa Exhibit where she worked during the holidays. Tonight, was no different except for the last-minute shopper in the pitch dark parking lot which was pitch black. Maintenance hadn’t fixed the lights and there was were no video cameras working yet. She knew the area pretty well, so there was really nothing to worry about or so she thought. While she was walked to her car she got the feeling that she was being watched. Her skin began to crawl and bone chilling sweat poured down her spine that was bone chilling. At first she thought it was a bunch of teenage boys trying to scare her.

She was quick to dismiss the thought, but then all of a sudden she heard something off in the distance. By the time she got to her car, she sweating with fear so much that it was beginning to drench her clothes. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. A dark figure appeared out of nowhere. She couldn’t make out any features, but she went ahead and called out to the figure.

“Hello? Can I help you,” she said?

The figure didn’t respond. Rebecca tried again to speak to the figure. This time it moved into the light. It was a man dressed as Santa Claus.

“Oh Mr. Griffith, it’s you. I thought you were someone else. Shouldn’t you be heading home?”

The man didn’t speak. Rebecca started getting nervous. He started to move closer. Rebecca couldn’t figure out why the man wasn’t speaking to her. Something wasn’t right. Then she saw the look in his eyes and finally realized that it wasn’t who she thought it was. Then he pulled out a hunting knife. Putting two and two together she ran to the nearest alcove to hide. She could hear him breathing heavy heavily as he walked by. He couldn’t see her from where he was at, so he continued his search. After he passed by, she breathed silently. She decided to back up further into the alcove until the man left. As she was walking backwards into the alcove she felt something cold at her feet. When she looked down she almost screamed, but didn’t. There were two dead bodies piled on top of each other. Instantly she recognized them. It was Mr. and Mrs. Griffith. Both of the bodies were stripped down to their undergarments and blood oozed out from underneath them.

The man passed by without incident. After she thought he was gone she left the alcove to go get help, but he was right there waiting for her. She tried fighting her way out of ?, but out of nowhere a another pair of hands covered her mouth with a rag full of chloroform. At first Rebecca continued to fight her attackers, but after five minutes her body gave in to the chloroform and everything went black.
THE POINT OF VIEW CHANGES FROM REBECCA'S TO THAT OF THE FEMALE MURDERER HERE.
The two attackers drug dragged the body to a different alcove where they could do their work in peace. A security guard drove by. The two killers stopped what they were doing and stood to wave at the security guard. The security guard waved back and didn’t notice anything strange. The man dressed as Santa and his accomplice dressed as Mrs. Claus returned to the alcove where the body was and continue their work.

Carefully they removed her shirt and bra. The woman held down the body while the man started cutting Rebecca’s skin with a scalpel. He carefully removed the skin revealing bone. After that was done the woman handed him a bone saw in order to cut through her breast bone. Once he was done cutting, he slowly removed the heart. The woman went to Rebecca’s car removing and removed anything that would give away the fact they were there. After removing all evidence of their presence she noticed a bunch of boxes laying around, so she got an idea and took one of the boxes and brought it back to the man and the bodies. When she returned with the box the man placed the heart in a cooler they brought with them. The woman took the heart out of the cooler and placed it in the box with a gift tag made out to a William Atoms. After that was done they began to clean up the blood. Suddenly they heard the security guard coming back around. They moved more quickly in cleaning up their mess. Then, as quickly as they cleaned up the scene, they left leaving no evidence behind.

The security guard came around just as the killers were leaving. He noticed that the people dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus left in a hurry. He just thought that maybe they just had an emergency and went to leave, but something told him to investigate further. He went to his golf cart to get his flashlight. Once he got his flashlight he walked around for a bit making sure that no cars were broken into. Just as he was about to leave, he saw a pair of legs sticking out of the darkness. He went over to see what was going on. What he found made him sick. There was were three dead bodies hidden in an alcove and one of them was missing the heart.

He noticed a box near one of the bodies and immediately went to his cart for his radio and called for backup and to notify the local police. Once the other security guards arrived on the scene they saw what they were dealing with and waited for the police to show up.

mysterywriter82
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Re: Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

Post by mysterywriter82 » May 11th, 2018, 12:01 pm

Thank you very much J.T. Shea I will make the necessary changes> Your feedback is very much aprrecaited

mysterywriter82
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Re: Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

Post by mysterywriter82 » May 11th, 2018, 12:17 pm

J.T. I went through and made the changes that you suggested and the reason she removed the heart from the cooler was because she put it in a gift box to leave behind for the detectives to see.

mysterywriter82
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Re: Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

Post by mysterywriter82 » May 11th, 2018, 4:07 pm

Should I post a new thread for each chapter

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J. T. SHEA
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Re: Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

Post by J. T. SHEA » May 12th, 2018, 6:14 am

A good question! Looking back through the 'EXCERPTS' section I could not find a similar example. Back at the start in 2010, Nathan's Guidelines suggested: “Also, if you revise your excerpt, please continue to post it in the original thread you started rather than starting an entirely new thread.” That does not directly answer your question, of course, but I'd say keeping your chapters in one thread would probably be better.

mysterywriter82
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Re: Need Cirtique on some of my manuscript

Post by mysterywriter82 » May 12th, 2018, 12:02 pm

Here is chapter 2

Chapter 2

Eight O’clock pm. Officer Patrick White and his training officer John Smith somehow managed to be first on the scene. When they got there, Security had already taped off the area. White went to the head security guard to ask questions.
“Who was the first to find the bodies,” He asked.
“Frank Speed our night time guy found them around seven.”
“Mind if I ask him some questions,” White asked.
“Go ahead. He is the tall one with glasses.”
White walked over to the tall lanky security guard and thought to himself; “Damn! What a first day at work this turned out to be. First an armed robbery and now this.”
While he talked to the man, two detectives arrived on the scene. One of them had a bandaged nose and the other one looked like he had been punched in the face too. Detectives Norcom and Bilkins sucked at their jobs, and people did not like the way they conducted themselves. White had no idea what to expect.
“We’ll take it from here rookie,” Norcom said as they walked up to the two men. “Asshole,” White whispered to himself.
Norcom smirked as White stormed off. The cocky detective had been on the force for ten years and was always making comments about women. However, Bilkins had only been with the department for five years and he acted like he and Norcom owned the place along with being caught taking evidence from the crime scene. Even though they were cops, they acted like they were better than everybody else. The local sheriff David Black kept a close eye on the two of them. Norcom was on the chief’s shit list ever since he was caught sleeping with the chief’s daughter who was only in her twenties. The sheriff was always looking for a way to get rid of Norcom. Lieutenant Slade had been with the department twenty plus years. She arrived just in time. Bilkins on the other hand wasn’t too smart about procedures at a crime scene. He was always bumbling around on the verge of contaminating everything. This time before he could cross contaminate any evidence the lieutenant kept both men away from the scene until the Techs arrived. The two of them finally gave up and went to talk again with the security guard who found the bodies.
No sooner than that happened, Norcom made the comment, “Damn shame she is dead. I would have slept with her.”
White pretended not to hear him but overheard the comment. Bilkins was still looking over the entire area. One of the techs noticed he was staring at a mysterious box dumbfounded. Suddenly he picked up the box, and said “Hey what do you want to do about the box?” One of the techs went over to look at the it and immediately told Bilkins to lay the box down and they would contact the bomb squad. Another one yells at him from a distance.
“Idiot! Where are your latex gloves,” the tech said.
“They’re in my pocket. Relax would ya,” Bilkins replied.
The lieutenant overheard the two talking and yelling at each other and called Bilkins over. “What in the hell is wrong with you? You know damn good and well that you never touch anything at a crime scene without putting on latex gloves.” Then she started to walk away, but looked over her shoulder and said, “Oh by the way. You can tell your partner that you and he are off the case and are on suspension indefinitely.”
Bilkins lowered his head and went to tell Norcom the bad news. Norcom started swearing. Once he calmed down he went over to the lieutenant to beg for mercy and to get his job back.
“Please Lieutenant cut us some slack. We will do anything to stay on the case,”
“Not this time detective, you and your idiot partner really screwed up this time.”
She stepped away.
Norcom and Bilkins looked at each other blankly.
Soon after they left the lieutenant called out, “Someone please get me a phone. As of right now Atoms and Reef are on the case.
Will Atoms was the best detective the department had. Unfortunately, he too was suspended for punching Bilkins in the face. The lieutenant knew though that he was their best shot at catching the killers. He had received commendations for solving crimes in a matter of days. He also ranked first in his class at the academy. But he had a little bit of a temper. She immediately called the Commissioner to override the chief’s decision to suspend Atoms indefinitely.
The lieutenant immediately called Will’s phone to tell him to get his ass down to the scene at once, but there was no answer. After several tries she gave up and decided to send a unit car to get Detective Atoms.
Meanwhile Norcom went to the sheriff to get reinstated, but it was no use. The chief had already heard about the incident and sided with the lieutenant.
“That bitch,” Norcom thought.
Things were getting out of hand. Sheriff Black knew it was only going to get worse until they could reach Atoms. Instead of putting the two idiots back on the case, he contacted Atoms long time friend and partner, Josh Reef.
Reef answered on the first ring. “Sheriff? Why are you calling so late?”
“Because nobody can reach your partner and we need both of you out at Desoto Square Mall. Ya’ll are the best we got. Now contact Atoms and tell him to get his ass over there too.”
After the sheriff hung up, Reef got dressed and called Atoms on his home phone. He had no idea the lieutenant had already sent someone over to get him.
When Officer Maglite volunteered to go get him, when she showed up at Atoms’ house, she noticed everything was a mess. The yard hadn’t been cut in days and there was trash everywhere. She knocked on his door. No answer. She kept knocking, until she heard a gruff voice on the other side.
“Alright I’m coming. Hold your damn horses. This better be an emergency or I am going to kick some ass.”

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