The Time

Ugh. You got stuck writing a synopsis. Help is on the way.
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hannah_dreamergirl_3
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The Time

Post by hannah_dreamergirl_3 » June 5th, 2011, 1:15 pm

Hey guys, I'm getting ready to send off to my preferred agent and want to see what you think of my synopsis, I'm abit concerned about flow, but feel I'm almost there!
All help appreciated!

‘“Teri, you join that game you end up chasing and chasing until you’re the one who gets chased.”’

Teri’s father’s favourite expression suddenly has new meaning when she wakes from a drug induced sleep to find herself back in the Secret Departments after having been fired. Carter, the reason she was thrown out, stands before her. A man from another time is causing huge problems for the government, somehow getting into high security areas, stealing documents and he’s getting worse. But all attempts to bring the man in, or kill him, have failed.

Carter tells Teri that despite any previous misconduct, Wills, the new Head of Department has decided to give her a chance to prove herself as everyone else has failed to bring the time traveller in. Teri soon begins to think that all is not as it seems, as she faces Wills for the first time in months. The last time they met they were on equal footing and Wills is all too pleased to make sure Teri knows who is boss. Teri instantly gets the feeling that there is more to Wills than meets the eye.

Teri, joined by her old friend Mac, attends training in time travel the next day, but, after a night in a hotel, as she is not allowed back to her own apartment, the time traveller has put the government on red alert. He tried to kill the Prime Minister and so Teri is thrown straight into the mission.

She finds herself in the midst of New Years Eve celebrations, though she’s not sure of the year, in London. It does not take her long to find the man, Michael Deapzey and begin to persuade him she is a friend so that he will tell her his secrets. After that evening they agree to meet in Paris, but on her way to the time machine she is attacked by a man in a black coat who warns her to stay away from Michael.

Once in Paris, Michael begins to open up and Teri soon discovers that Michael is being forced to carry out the activities which have drawn so much attention. Going back to her hotel, having made arrangements for their next meeting, Teri is again attacked, with a promise for worse to come if she doesn’t stay away from Michael. Teri decides to return to the Secret Departments to let everyone know what she has learned. Mac is instantly protective of her, whilst Carter is furious she has returned without completing the mission. Neither Carter, or Wills, will listen to her when she tells them there is an organisation behind Michaels actions. Teri wants them to bring Michael in to learn about this organisation, as the problem is far bigger than one man.

Teri and Michael meet in New York, 1939 and after a meal together which revealed Michael was not so open to revealing his secrets as Teri had hoped, they are shocked when they step outside to the sound of a gunshot. A young woman has been shot and Teri sees a man in a black coat running away from the scene, gun in hand. Without thinking, she follows.

After a tense altercation, the man won’t give any information about the organisation other than to promise that every time she meets Michael Deapzey, another person will die. Returning to the murder scene she grabs Michael and tells him he is coming with her.

Back in the Secret Departments, Wills is furious Teri has disobeyed him and without listening to her, has her thrown in a cell. When she is later released by Mac, she learns they are going to kill Michael anyway. In the following days Teri and Mac form a plan to save Michael before he’s killed. Teri also wants to find out about The Controller, which Michael told her he had to steal from the government, which can delete parts of history or stop time travel, forever.

The plan works, with Teri going undercover to get back into the Secret Departments and Mac planting false information that says to kill someone in time you must use an explosion. Teri returns to the present day, without anyone realising what has happened, they all think Michael Deapzey is dead. But Teri isn’t finished yet, she is still suspicious of Wills and wants to know more about the secret organisation behind Michael’s actions.

Not long after Teri returns, her close family friend, Matthias is abducted from the Secret Departments, by the secret organisation. Teri learns through searching his desk and private laptop, that Matthias, with help from her own parents, created The Controller. This link to her parents makes her dwell on the time when they disappeared.

It is not long, however, before Matthias miraculously appears in Macs apartment, where Teri has been staying. He talks about the secret organisation, The Time. Wills’s father was the man behind the group, now Wills himself has taken over. They want to use The Controller to open up time, creating one huge society that they can have leadership of. They already have The Controller and took Matthias to try and force him into explaining how it works, but he was able to escape.

The Controller is hidden at Wills’s country house and he explains that Teri must go to his house, find the Controller and destroy it, she must also stop time travel altogether. But Teri isn’t sure she wants to stop time travel as she now knows her parents might still be alive, trapped in time.

Whether she chooses to stop time travel or not, the plan is set. They will use the day of the department award ceremony for Teri to go to Wills’s house. She will find The Controller, take it somewhere safe and secret, then destroy it. Mac will create distractions for Wills to keep him away from his house, whilst Matthias will be on hand, just in case. Teri also learns that Wills had purposefully had her put on the case as he had been hoping to trick her into joining The Time, turning her against her own parents beliefs. Wills was also using Teri and Michael to cover up his own dark plans.

Teri and Macs plan is successful, with a few minor problems along the way. Teri returns to the Secret Departments in time for the awards ceremony which she has only been invited to as Macs plus one. Teri can’t resist facing Wills afterwards knowing all that he’s done and that he no longer has The Controller. But what follows is a huge fight and Wills pulls out a gun and shoots Teri.

Mac arrives just as Teri is shot. He manages to shoot and kill Wills and then rushes Teri to hospital.

Whilst Teri is in hospital the whole truth comes out. The department council decide to give Teri a new start and with Mac and Carter, she is a candidate to take over from Wills. A few members of the department disappear and Teri suspects there were more than just Wills involved in the plot to bring down the government.
Check out my new blog at, http://hannahbullimore.wordpress.com

'Good writing is to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon'

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ellisshuman
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Re: The Time

Post by ellisshuman » July 6th, 2011, 8:04 am

Hello,

Your posting has gotten but a small number of views and so far no replies. Did you send this out? Did you get a reply from an agent?

I wanted to be someone who could offer a detailed review of what you'd written, but I'm afraid to say that I feel by the wayside after 2 or 3 paragraphs.

I admit, I didn't have a clue what genre I was getting into. Here is what cooled off any enthusiasm I might have had prior to reading:

drug induced sleep = what?

Secret Departments = what?

failed to bring the time traveller in = what? (I certainly wasn't expecting this).

I read "The Time Traveler's Wife" and loved that book. I certainly have no problems with time travel fiction. But if that is what this is about, give it to me in the opening in such a way that I am drawn into the rest of what you've written.

Sincerely,
Ellis
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Ellis Shuman
http://ellisshuman.blogspot.com
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

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hannah_dreamergirl_3
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Re: The Time

Post by hannah_dreamergirl_3 » July 6th, 2011, 8:35 am

thanks for the comments ellis...i havent sent out yet, as i am waiting formy friends to finish readng.
The reaso it seems fague is that there would be a covering letter to cover genre etc, the synopsis has to tell the story and show my writing style.

Thanks,

Hannah
Check out my new blog at, http://hannahbullimore.wordpress.com

'Good writing is to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon'

ELDoctorow

Emily J
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Re: The Time

Post by Emily J » October 4th, 2011, 8:06 pm

hannah_dreamergirl_3 wrote:Hey guys, I'm getting ready to send off to my preferred agent and want to see what you think of my synopsis, I'm abit concerned about flow, but feel I'm almost there!
All help appreciated!

‘“Teri, you join that game you end up chasing and chasing until you’re the one who gets chased.”’

Teri’s I would state her whole name (sometimes I see the character name when first introduced in all caps) father’s favourite expression suddenly has new meaning when she wakes from a drug hyphen induced sleep to find herself back in the Secret Departments after having been fired. Maybe a bit more explanation of Secret Departments? Is it affiliated with the British goverment? Are we in the UK? Carter, the reason she was thrown out, stands before her. A man from another time the wording seems a bit unclear, maybe state time traveler here? is causing huge problems for the government, somehow getting into high security areas, stealing documents and he’s getting worse. But all attempts to bring the man in, or kill him, have failed.

Carter tells Teri that despite any previous misconduct, Wills, the new Head of Department has decided to give her a chance to prove herself as everyone else has failed to bring the time traveller in. Teri soon begins to think that all is not as it seems, <-- this phrase falls flat in the face of her being drugged, kidnapped etc. as she faces Wills for the first time in months. The last time they met they were on equal footing and Wills is all too pleased to make sure Teri knows who is boss. Teri instantly gets the feeling that there is more to Wills than meets the eye. "more than meets the eye" is a cliche, please avoid as my mind has already taken a tangent to old Transformers commercials

Teri, joined by her old friend Mac, attends training in time travel the next day, but, after a night in a hotel, as she is not allowed back to her own apartment, the time traveller has put the government on red alert. <-- run on sentence He tried to kill the Prime Minister and so Teri is thrown straight into the mission.

She finds herself in the midst of New Years Eve celebrations, though she’s not sure of the year, in London. I would restructure the sentence, it feels less awkward to say "She finds herself in the midst of New Year's Eve celebrations in London, though..." It does not take her long to find the man, the time traveling criminal? the temporal hooligan? Michael Deapzey and begin to persuade him she is a friend so that he will tell her his secrets. this makes her seem far less than subtle After that evening they agree to meet in Paris, but on her way to the time machine this is the first mention of any machine, you might include a bit more of the mechanics of time travel, is the machine at the Secret Departments? she is attacked by a man in a black coat who warns her to stay away from Michael.

Once in Paris, Michael begins to open up and Teri soon discovers that Michael he is being forced to carry out the activities which have drawn so much attention. Going back to her hotel, having made arrangements for their next meeting, Teri is again attacked, with a promise for worse to come if she doesn’t stay away from Michael. Teri decides to return to the Secret Departments to let everyone know what she has learned. Mac is instantly protective of her, whilst Carter is furious she has returned without completing the mission. Neither Carter, or Wills, will listen to her when she tells them there is an organisation behind Michaels actions. Teri wants them to bring Michael in to learn about this organisation, as the problem is far bigger than one man.

Teri and Michael meet in New York, 1939 plot point confusion - does Michael know Teri is a time traveler? is this year different than the year they met at before? and after a meal together which revealed Michael was not so open to revealing his secrets as Teri had hoped, how so? they are shocked when they step outside to the sound of a gunshot. A young woman has been shot and Teri sees a man in a black coat running away from the scene, gun in hand. Without thinking, she follows.

After a tense altercation, the man won’t give any information about the organisation other than to promise that every time she meets Michael Deapzey, another person will die. Returning to the murder scene she grabs Michael and tells him he is coming with her. what happened to the man in the black coat, did he run away, escape? die?

Back in the Secret Departments, Wills is furious Teri has disobeyed him and without listening to her, has her thrown in a cell. When she is later released by Mac, she learns they are going to kill Michael anyway. what does the anyway mean? Was Teri telling Wills that Michael should not be killed? In the following days Teri and Mac form a plan to save Michael before he’s killed. Teri also wants to find out about The Controller, not sure I really like this name which Michael told her he had to steal from the government, which can delete parts of history or stop time travel, forever. how does it stop time travel? just curious

The plan works, with Teri going undercover to get back into the Secret Departments and Mac planting false information that says to kill someone in time you must use an explosion. this doesn't make sense Teri returns to the present day, without anyone realising what has happened, they all think Michael Deapzey is dead. not following this bit, they faked Michael's death in the past, maybe? Honestly I'm a bit confused But Teri isn’t finished yet, she is still suspicious of Wills and wants to know more about the secret organisation behind Michael’s actions.

Not long after Teri returns, her close family friend, Matthias is abducted from the Secret Departments, by the secret organisation. Teri learns through searching his desk and private laptop, that Matthias, with help from her own parents, created The Controller. This link to her parents makes her dwell on the time when they disappeared.

It is not long, however, before Matthias miraculously appears in Macs apartment, where Teri has been staying. He talks about the secret organisation, The Time. The Time is the name of the organization? not sure I am a big fan of this name either Wills’s father was the man behind the group, now Wills himself has taken over. They want to use The Controller to open up time, creating one huge society that they can have leadership of. They already have The Controller and took Matthias to try and force him into explaining how it works, but he was able to escape.

The Controller is hidden at Wills’s country house and he explains that Teri must go to his house, find the Controller and destroy it, she must also stop time travel altogether. <-- run on sentence But Teri isn’t sure she wants to stop time travel as she now knows her parents might still be alive, trapped in time.

Whether she chooses to stop time travel or not, the plan is set. They will use the day of the department award ceremony for Teri to go to Wills’s house. She will find The Controller, take it somewhere safe and secret, then destroy it. Mac will create distractions for Wills to keep him away from his house, whilst Matthias will be on hand, just in case. Teri also learns that Wills had purposefully had her put on the case as he had been hoping to trick her into joining The Time, turning her against her own parents beliefs. Wills was also using Teri and Michael to cover up his own dark plans.

Teri and Macs plan is successful, with a few minor problems along the way. Teri returns to the Secret Departments in time for the awards ceremony which she has only been invited to as Macs Mac's plus one. Teri can’t resist facing Wills afterwards knowing all that he’s done and that he no longer has The Controller. But what follows is a huge fight and Wills pulls out a gun and shoots Teri.

Mac arrives just as Teri is shot. He manages to shoot and kill Wills and then rushes Teri to hospital.

Whilst Teri is in hospital the whole truth comes out. The department council decide to give Teri a new start and with Mac and Carter, she is a candidate to take over from Wills. A few members of the department disappear and Teri suspects there were more than just Wills involved in the plot to bring down the government.
I know that the synopsis will be included with a query but I still think you may be presuming that the reader will have a more comprehensive understanding of your story. I think you should give us a setting, introduce the characters with full names and a bit more specific information, and make sure that the plot is delineated clearly. I think i understood most of it but I got lost around the part where they save Michael. Apparently they save him but then he is never mentioned in the synopsis again. What happened to him? Or the man in black? Who was the man in black? Why was Teri drugged? What is the deal with her parents? I wouldn't mind knowing a bit more about the time travel aspect as well.

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