North Woods Assassin

[Mike Dickson]

This is the first draft of my 853 word synopsis. I use the snowflake method so it'll eventually be my outline. I'm looking forward to all critiques, thank you!

Michael Donatello is an ex-mafia contract killer for the Marcuccio crime family who chooses to leave the life after a failed hit cause’s disruption within the family. To protect the Cosa Nostra, his father, a high-ranking member has disowned his son sanctioning a hit against him after he fails to return.

Living in a trendy suburb of Minnesota Michael focuses on a new mental image for life. He has a strong need for success, is thoughtful, romantic, and devoted to his girlfriend Ali Wright. He owns and runs a popular Italian bakery and dreams of a successful future. He also has struggles with fires burning within him battling his need to live a life of normalcy or to take pleasure prevailing in organized crime. He yearns for the thrill of the hunt, and is repulsed by his inability to suppress his past. Without hope he is comforted by secretly talking with a psychiatrist seeking an end to his fight.

Luca Vitale previously a close friend of Michael’s and mafia enforcer is near the end of his prison sentence when he is given the contract on Michael’s life. Happily accepting Luca sets out an observer before his release to gain intelligence on his target. At release Luca makes it his lifework to smother Michael’s existence to make right the shame brought to the Marcuccio family. He first sets his target on a person partially responsible for his imprisonment. Mr. Keller, a public defender who defended Luca unsuccessfully, becomes a victim to the horror of Luca Vitale with a hail of bullets. Continuing to quench his thirst for revenge, Luca sets his course to the Midwest.

Arriving in Minneapolis, Luca meets with his associate who has been tracking Michael but unable to discover his exact location. He’s uncovered his association with Dr. Logan who has refused to release any information on her conversations with him over the previous year. Not deterred by his associate’s lack of persuasion Luca meets Dr. Logan giving her no choice demanding Michael’s file. Dr. Logan’s file is helpful to Luca. It provides him with Michael’s bakery location, and background on his connection with Alison Wright. Sensing a strike point Luca begins his assault on Michael by focusing his attention on Ali stalking her as she moves around town.

Born and raised in Minnesota Ali Wright meets her future in Michael. Each day is a castle in the air with no end in sight. She enjoys each minute they have together patiently waiting for the day she becomes his wife. Attractive, athletic, and inviting, Ali is familiar with male advances but is upset when she is the focus of a middle-aged man with psychotic tendencies. Altogether independent Ali chooses not to involve Michael, rather handling the circumstances alone. She is unaware of the danger confronting her.

After receiving a disturbing package, Michael takes the unusual step of calling home. He receives the information he has dreaded for years, Luca Vitale is free. Quickly accepting the news, he begins preparation for Luca’s return. Meanwhile realizing she’s over her head Ali phones Michael from her home while watching the middle-aged man gazing at her from the street. Michael arrives to find Ali unharmed but disturbed about the man’s motives. Having already planned a long weekend at his north woods cabin Michael asks her to leave a day early sensing that Luca is near.

Luca drops by Michael’s bakery during the afternoon rush. Waiting through the checkout line he stands before Michael quietly declaring how Dr. Logan cried before her death. Dropping the file on the counter Luca walks out of the bakery. Shortly after he follows Ali to Michael’s north woods cabin, he cuts the phone lines and removes the shotgun from their cabin while Ali is away. Needing a place to develop his attack he kills Michael’s closest neighbor. Michael receives a phone call from him and rushes to his cabin. Michael and Ali hurriedly try to leave but are trapped by Luca. Ali runs through the trail headed to her neighbor’s house for help. Michael shoots at Luca’s car killing his associate but is knocked unconscious by Luca allowing him to go after Ali.

Failing to make a phone call Ali finds her neighbors body in the garage. Stunned she knocks over items in the garage accidentally. Luca hears the noise and finds Ali hiding. Spraying Luca in the face with paint after she’s found, Ali rushes out of the garage and comes across Michael in the home. With keys in his hands Michael and Ali run for the neighbor’s truck to escape. Luca shoots Michael while Ali runs for cover in a nearby greenhouse. Spotting Ali hiding in the corner Luca lifts the shotgun and is about to shoot but is hit with flying glass as Michael swings a shovel striking him from the outside. Michael finishes the job striking Luca multiple times allowing him and Ali to escape.

Fearing he will never be free, Michael boards a plane to New Jersey to finish the fight with his father.

[oldhousejunkie]

This is the first draft of my 853 word synopsis. I use the snowflake method so it'll eventually be my outline. I'm looking forward to all critiques, thank you!

Michael Donatello is an ex-mafia contract killer for the Marcuccio crime family who chooses to leave the life after a failed hit cause’s disruption within the family. This sentence is hard to digest...can it be pared down a little?To protect the Cosa Nostra, his father, a high-ranking member has disowned his son sanctioning a hit against him after he fails to return. Oww...that's got to suck. I think this sentence can be re-arranged for clarity as well.

Living in a trendy suburb of Minnesota Michael focuses on a new mental image for life. I think "mental image" is the wrong term here. Maybe: "Micheal focuses on building a new life." Or something to that effect.

He has a strong need for success, is thoughtful, romantic, and devoted to his girlfriend Ali Wright. Telling not showing. And this seems like a weird transition from the prior sentence. How about (after the first line: "He opens a popular Italian bakery and dreams of a successful future with his girlfrield Ali Wright.

He owns and runs a popular Italian bakery and dreams of a successful future. Cut this.

He also has struggles with fires burning within him battling his need to live a life of normalcy or to take pleasure prevailing in organized crime. Another awkward sentence.

He yearns for the thrill of the hunt, and is repulsed by his inability to suppress his past. GOOD!

Without hope he is comforted by secretly talking with a psychiatrist seeking an end to his fight. He's without hope but is comforted? And take out "secretly." Plus this seems to echo "The Sopranos" (What little I know about the series.)

Luca Vitale, previously a close friend of Michael’s and amafia enforcer, is near the end of his prison sentence when he is given the contract on Michael’s life. Happily accepting, Luca sets sends?out an observer before his release to gain intelligence on his target.

At release Luca makes it his lifework to smother Michael’s existence to make right the shame brought to the Marcuccio family. He first sets his target on a person partially responsible for his imprisonment. Mr. Keller, a public defender who defended Luca unsuccessfully, becomes a victim to the horror of Luca Vitale with a hail of bullets. Continuing to quench his thirst for revenge, Luca sets his course to the Midwest. I would cut this paragraph entirely. What does Luca's revenge have to do with Michael? It's just unneeded fluff.

Arriving in Minneapolis, Luca meets with his associate who has been tracking Michael but unable to discover his exact location. He’s uncovered his association with Dr. Logan who has refused to release any information on her conversations with him over the previous year. Maybe: "...Dr. Logan who has refused to release any information on her client."

Not deterred by his associate’s lack of persuasion Cut this and start with...Luca meets Dr. Logan giving her no choice demanding Michael’s file I found out later that Luca kills her, so just say it now, because it's confusing otherwise..

Dr. Logan’s file is helpful to Luca. It provides him with Michael’s bakery location, drop both of the previous sentences...it's obvious that his address would be in the file. Start with "Discovering Micheal's connection to Alison Wright, he senses a strike point and begins to stalk her." Drop the rest of this paragraph and add the sentence that I wrote or whatever you re-write to the paragraph above.and background on his connection with Alison Wright. Sensing a strike point Luca begins his assault on Michael by focusing his attention on Ali stalking her as she moves around town.

Born and raised in Minnesota Ali Wright meets her future in Michael. Each day is a castle in the air with no end in sight. Does she live in Disney World? This is just a little hard to digest.

She enjoys each minute they have together patiently waiting for the day she becomes his wife. Attractive, athletic, and inviting, Ali is familiar with male advances but is upset when she is the focus of a middle-aged man with psychotic tendencies. Altogether independent Ali chooses not to involve Michael, rather handling the circumstances alone. She is unaware of the danger confronting her. I'm not sure if any of the preceding paragraph is needed.

After receiving a disturbing package, Michael takes the unusual step of calling home. He receives the information he has dreaded for years, Luca Vitale is free. Quickly accepting the news, he begins preparation for Luca’s return. Good.

Meanwhile realizing she’s over her head Ali phones Michael from her home while watching the middle-aged man gazing at her from the street. Michael arrives to find Ali unharmed but disturbed about the man’s motives. Cut this.

Having already planned a long weekend at his north woods cabin Michael asks her to leave a day early sensing that Luca is near. I would add this to the part about preparing for Luca. Just say that he wants to get Ali out of town for her safety.

Luca drops by Michael’s bakery during the afternoon rush. Waiting through the checkout line he stands before Michael quietly declaring how Dr. Logan cried before her death. Ahh...Dropping the file on the counter Luca walks out of the bakery. Shortly after he follows Ali to Michael’s north woods cabin, he cuts the phone lines and removes the shotgun from their cabin while Ali is away. Needing a place to develop launch?his attack he kills Michael’s closest neighbor. Michael receives a phone call from him from who? Luca or the neighbor or space aliens?and rushes to his cabin. Michael and Ali hurriedly try to leave but are trapped by Luca. How?Ali runs through the trail headed to her neighbor’s house for help. Michael shoots at Luca’s car killing his associate The associate? The guy doing the reconn? When did he come back into the picture?but is knocked unconscious by Luca allowing him to go after Ali. Why wouldn't he just kill him then and there?

Failing Unableto make a phone call Ali finds her neighbors body in the garage. Stunned she knocks over items in the garage accidentally. Unnecessary information.Luca hears the noise and finds Ali hiding. Spraying Luca in the face with paint after she’s found, Ali rushes out of the garage and comes across Michael in the home house. With keys in his hands Michael and Ali run for the neighbor’s truck to escape. Luca shoots Michael while Ali runs for cover in a nearby greenhouse. Spotting Ali hiding in the corner Luca lifts the shotgun and is about to shoot but is hit with flying glass as Michael swings a shovel striking him from the outside. Michael finishes the job striking Luca multiple times allowing him and Ali to escape.

Fearing he will never be free, Michael boards a plane to New Jersey to finish the fight with his father. This is the ending? Is it meant to be a sequel? It's just an odd ending.

Ok, I think the main problem here is that you are way too detailed. It's like you're giving a play by play when all we want to see if the action. Give the reader some credit, and let them infer some of the information. Nice try though. Good luck to you...the plot seems interesting!

[Mike Dickson]

Thank you for going through my writing. I really appreciate it. I wonder if it would be best if I started over. Perhaps it would be easier to do what you said and show not tell by writing down the action scenes and then tie it all together so it flows. Would that make sense?

[oldhousejunkie]

Thank you for going through my writing. I really appreciate it. I wonder if it would be best if I started over. Perhaps it would be easier to do what you said and show not tell by writing down the action scenes and then tie it all together so it flows. Would that make sense?

Yep, that sounds like a good start. Writing synopses is about as difficult as writing queries. What to leave in, what to take out, etc. But your plot sounds compelling and well thought out. Good luck!

[JadePhoenix]

I just wanted to mention I think your title is really cool. Every time I check the forums and see it I think, "that is such a cool title!" :)

[clara_w]

This is the first draft of my 853 word synopsis. I use the snowflake method so it'll eventually be my outline. I'm looking forward to all critiques, thank you!

Michael Donatello is an ex-mafia contract killer for the Marcuccio crime family who chooses to leave the life after a failed hit cause’s disruption within the family. To protect the Cosa Nostra, his father, a high-ranking member has disowned his son sanctioning a hit against him after he fails to return.

Living in a trendy suburb of Minnesota Michael focuses on a new mental image for life. He has a strong need for success, is thoughtful, romantic, I thnk this is a bit too much telling. just thoughtful should do the trick, since you mention he loved his grilfriend right after.and devoted to his girlfriend Ali Wright. does ali know about his past?He owns and runs a popular Italian bakery and dreams of a successful future. He also has struggles with fires burning within him battling his need to live a life of normalcy or to take pleasure prevailing in organized crime. He yearns for the thrill of the hunt, and is repulsed by his inability to suppress his past. Without hope he is comforted by secretly talking with a psychiatrist seeking an end to his fight.

Luca Vitale previously a close friend of Michael’s and mafia enforcer is near the end of his prison sentence when he is given the contract on Michael’s life. Happily accepting Luca sets out an observer before his release to gain intelligence on his target. At release Luca makes it his lifework to smother Michael’s existence to make right the shame brought to the Marcuccio family. He first sets his target on a person partially responsible for his imprisonment. Mr. Keller, a public defender who defended Luca unsuccessfully, becomes a victim to the horror of Luca Vitale with a hail of bullets. I'd leave Mr.Keller names out, its not important to the plot, plus, its one less character I have to think about. The simpler the better. Continuing to quench his thirst for revenge, Luca sets his course to the Midwest.

Arriving in Minneapolis, Luca meets with his associate who has been tracking Michael but unable to discover his exact location. He’s uncovered his association with Dr. Logan who has refused to release any information on her conversations with him over the previous year. Not deterred by his associate’s lack of persuasion Luca meets Dr. Logan giving her no choice demanding Michael’s file. Dr. Logan’s file is helpful to Luca. It provides him with Michael’s bakery location, and background on his connection with Alison Wright. Id leave the doctors name out too. Sensing a strike point Luca begins his assault on Michael by focusing his attention on Ali stalking her as she moves around town.

I'd say 'Meanwhile, Ali Wright...', because as it is, it just breaks the fluency of the synopsis.Born and raised in Minnesota Ali Wright meets her future in Michael. Each day is a castle in the air with no end in sight. She enjoys each minute they have together patiently waiting for the day she becomes his wife. Attractive, athletic, and inviting, Ali is familiar with male advances but is upset when she is the focus of a middle-aged man with psychotic tendencies. Altogether independent Ali chooses not to involve Michael, rather handling the circumstances alone. She is unaware of the danger confronting her.

After receiving a disturbing package, Michael takes the unusual step of calling home. He receives the information he has dreaded for years, Luca Vitale is free. Quickly accepting the news, he begins preparation for Luca’s return. Meanwhile realizing she’s over her head Ali phones Michael from her home while watching the middle-aged man gazing at her from the street. Michael arrives to find Ali unharmed but disturbed about the man’s motives. Having already planned a long weekend at his north woods cabin Michael asks her to leave a day early sensing that Luca is near.

Luca drops by Michael’s bakery during the afternoon rush. Waiting through the checkout line he stands before Michael quietly declaring how Dr. Logan cried before her death. Dropping the file on the counter Luca walks out of the bakery. Shortly after he follows Ali to Michael’s north woods cabin, he cuts the phone lines and removes the shotgun from their cabin while Ali is away. Needing a place to develop his attack he kills Michael’s closest neighbor. Michael receives a phone call from him and rushes to his cabin. Michael and Ali hurriedly try to leave but are trapped by Luca. Ali runs through the trail headed to her neighbor’s house for help. Michael shoots at Luca’s car killing his associate but is knocked unconscious by Luca allowing him to go after Ali.

Failing to make a phone call Ali finds her neighbors body in the garage. Stunned she knocks over items in the garage accidentally. Luca hears the noise and finds Ali hiding. Spraying Luca in the face with paint after she’s found, Ali rushes out of the garage and comes across Michael in the home. With keys in his hands Michael and Ali run for the neighbor’s truck to escape. Luca shoots Michael while Ali runs for cover in a nearby greenhouse. Spotting Ali hiding in the corner Luca lifts the shotgun and is about to shoot but is hit with flying glass as Michael swings a shovel striking him from the outside. Michael finishes the job striking Luca multiple times allowing him and Ali to escape.

Fearing he will never be free, Michael boards a plane to New Jersey to finish the fight with his father.

I really like your sinopsis, its a thrilling story, I couldnt stop reading. So Im guessing the book is even better. Good luck!

[arbraun]

This is the first draft of my 853 word synopsis. I use the snowflake method so it'll eventually be my outline. I'm looking forward to all critiques, thank you! Seeing as a synopsis is supposed to be a page and a half, 853 is probably a bit long. I'd cut it to 325 words.

Michael Donatello is an ex-mafia contract killer for the Marcuccio crime family who chooses to leave the life after a failed hit cause’s disruption within the family. To protect the Cosa Nostra, his father, a high-ranking member has disowned his son sanctioning a hit against him after he fails to return. I'm all for the protagonist being the antagonist, but some might not be. To me, this is a good opening.

Living in a trendy suburb of Minnesota Michael focuses on a new mental image for life. I'd insert a comma before "Michael." He has a strong need for success, is thoughtful, romantic, and devoted to his girlfriend Ali Wright. I'd insert a comma before "Ali." He owns and runs a popular Italian bakery and dreams of a successful future. He also has struggles with fires burning within him battling his need to live a life of normalcy or to take pleasure prevailing in organized crime. He yearns for the thrill of the hunt, and is repulsed by his inability to suppress his past. Without hope he is comforted by secretly talking with a psychiatrist seeking an end to his fight.

Luca Vitale previously a close friend of Michael’s and mafia enforcer is near the end of his prison sentence when he is given the contract on Michael’s life. Happily accepting Luca sets out an observer before his release to gain intelligence on his target. Comma after "accepting." At release Luca makes it his lifework to smother Michael’s existence to make right the shame brought to the Marcuccio family. Comma after "release." He first sets his target on a person partially responsible for his imprisonment. Mr. Keller, a public defender who defended Luca unsuccessfully, becomes a victim to the horror of Luca Vitale with a hail of bullets. Continuing to quench his thirst for revenge, Luca sets his course to the Midwest. I'd cut "to the horror." Superfluous.

Arriving in Minneapolis, Luca meets with his associate who has been tracking Michael but unable to discover his exact location. He’s uncovered his association with Dr. Logan who has refused to release any information on her conversations with him over the previous year. Not deterred by his associate’s lack of persuasion Luca meets Dr. Logan giving her no choice demanding Michael’s file. Commas after "persuasion" and "Logan." Dr. Logan’s file is helpful to Luca. It provides him with Michael’s bakery location, and background on his connection with Alison Wright. I'd delete the useless comma. Sensing a strike point Luca begins his assault on Michael by focusing his attention on Ali stalking her as she moves around town. Commas after "point" and "Ali."

Born and raised in Minnesota Ali Wright meets her future in Michael. Each day is a castle in the air with no end in sight. What does "castle in the air" mean? Although I don't dislike the phrase, it may confuse some. She enjoys each minute they have together patiently waiting for the day she becomes his wife. Comma before "patiently." Attractive, athletic, and inviting, Ali is familiar with male advances but is upset when she is the focus of a middle-aged man with psychotic tendencies. Altogether independent Ali chooses not to involve Michael, rather handling the circumstances alone. Comma after "independent." She is unaware of the danger confronting her.

After receiving a disturbing package, Michael takes the unusual step of calling home. He receives the information he has dreaded for years, Luca Vitale is free. Quickly accepting the news, he begins preparation for Luca’s return. Meanwhile realizing she’s over her head Ali phones Michael from her home while watching the middle-aged man gazing at her from the street. Michael arrives to find Ali unharmed but disturbed about the man’s motives. Having already planned a long weekend at his north woods cabin Michael asks her to leave a day early sensing that Luca is near.

Luca drops by Michael’s bakery during the afternoon rush. Waiting through the checkout line he stands before Michael quietly declaring how Dr. Logan cried before her death. I'd use a comma instead of a period before the second sentence. Dropping the file on the counter Luca walks out of the bakery. Shortly after he follows Ali to Michael’s north woods cabin, he cuts the phone lines and removes the shotgun from their cabin while Ali is away. Needing a place to develop his attack he kills Michael’s closest neighbor. Michael receives a phone call from him and rushes to his cabin. Michael and Ali hurriedly try to leave but are trapped by Luca. Ali runs through the trail headed to her neighbor’s house for help. Michael shoots at Luca’s car killing his associate but is knocked unconscious by Luca allowing him to go after Ali. In this last sentence, the way it's written, it makes it sound as if Michael is shooting at a "car killing."

Failing to make a phone call Ali finds her neighbors body in the garage. Way too many sentences starting with "--ing" words, which is something I'd recast. I've done the same thing in the past, so don't feel bad. Stunned she knocks over items in the garage accidentally. Luca hears the noise and finds Ali hiding. Spraying Luca in the face with paint after she’s found, Ali rushes out of the garage and comes across Michael in the home. With keys in his hands Michael and Ali run for the neighbor’s truck to escape. Luca shoots Michael while Ali runs for cover in a nearby greenhouse. Spotting Ali hiding in the corner Luca lifts the shotgun and is about to shoot but is hit with flying glass as Michael swings a shovel striking him from the outside. Michael finishes the job striking Luca multiple times allowing him and Ali to escape.

Fearing he will never be free, Michael boards a plane to New Jersey to finish the fight with his father.

Yep, too long, IMHO. It reads more like a screenplay than a synopsis, so I'd focus on writing out more plot elements and not telling everything that happens, but showing it.