Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

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sammyig
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Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

Post by sammyig » August 21st, 2010, 8:51 am

I got some great advice about my query, so I thought I would post my synopsis here and see how it can be improved.
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RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL- Synopsis

MATHIAS DRVAR is a street kid. He is hungry, overheated, and dirty. More importantly, he is about to discover that he is much more than a simple street kid; he is the reincarnation of a long lost vampire king, he just doesn’t know it yet.

While he is wandering around the docks of New York, trying to find some work that will earn him some money to get something to eat, Mathias witnesses a mob hit on one of the men that works at the docks. He ducks behind a crate to hide. Once he knows it’s safe to come out, he leaves, noticing the date on the newspaper clutched in the corpses hand- it’s August 4th, and today he is thirteen.

Without any other choice, he goes to see NIC, a wizard who tends to pay for dark services. Nic gives him a job- to deliver some goods, and Mathias sets out on his quest. Unfortunately, dark forces are at work. Mathias is gunned down in a drive by shooting just as he reaches his destination. He’s dying, his breath isn’t coming as easily and he starts thinking about his life and how he got where he is.

After his parents are killed by a drunk driver. His AUNT ANNETTE takes him to her home to live, but Aunt Annette isn’t a nice lady. She and her three children are evil. After Mathias is almost severely maimed by his cousins, he runs away to the farthest place he can get, New York.

In New York, he stumbles around until he meets LUCRETIA, a young prostitute who takes Mathias in and teaches him how to survive on his own. When Lucretia’s pimp, DEQUAN finds out that she’s been withholding money from him, he kills her as Mathias watches from behind a door. Mathias manages to get away, but barely. Dequan shoots at Mathias as he runs away from the building.

Mathias survives his year on the street and thinks about how ironic it is that he’s been through all of this, and now he’s dying in the street. Suddenly, a dark figure appears that seems to jump at the edges of Mathias’ vision. Just before Mathias vision turns black, he feels the sharp sting of teeth at his throat.

When he wakes up, he discovers that he is now a vampire, but being a vampire isn’t anything like the movies. He isn’t an insane monster, he is simply himself- with wings. And he is at a school for vampires, but he is never to take classes with any of them. VLAD TSEPES, his maker, feels Mathias is too dangerous and hot tempered to be put into situations with other vampire children, so Mathias is privately tutored.

Mathias feels somewhat safe until he discovers that all of the vampires he meets believe him to be the reincarnation of their beloved and lost vampire king, Mathias. Mathias tries to tell him that he isn’t any such thing, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the vampire hoards because he bears features of their Mathias.

Over time, things seem to feel familiar and Mathias has strange dreams of places he knows he’s never been and memories of being tortured by a beautiful woman. The beautiful woman just so happens to be the current Queen of the vampire world- LILITH.

After he is assaulted by Lilith in a dark hallway, suddenly his dreams are no longer dreams but full vivid memories. He was wrong. Reincarnation does exist and he was Mathias the long lost king.

At a party, a high ranking vampire questions Mathias and his sudden revelation. When Mathias reveals a memory to the vampire in front of a crowd, Lilith knows her charade is over.

It becomes important to her that Mathias die again so that she can regain power over her people. But she is insane and doesn’t seem to realize that her people are tired of her. She decides that Mathias must submit to a test of worthiness. This test means a fight between Mathias and Lilith.

THE DRAGON”S ORDER, a mysterious organization of vampires, decides that they will help Mathias. They grant Mathias’ keeper, NOSFERATU, who is also Lilith’s son, permission to intercede anyway he can so that Mathias may live.

Mathias is trained to fight in the vampire way. Nosferatu tells him there is no way to stop the fight because the Queen does still have political power, even if it is just for show, but that he need not worry because he has many important friends.

The fight occurs. Lilith almost chops Mathias’ head off with a kitana sword. From the shadows, Nosferatu beheads Lilith and Mathias passes out.

When Mathias wakes, he is relieved to find out that Lilith is, in fact, dead. He is now free to live as normal of a life as possible.

After he has mastered being a vampire, Mathias pays a visit to family. He kills them all, getting some revenge for the life he ended up with. He burns down the house with their bodies inside, and when he hears the sirens, he flies off into the night.

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Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

Post by gsfields2004 » August 21st, 2010, 7:13 pm

I have yet to write a synopis for my WIP, but I'm in the process of starting one and have been scouring blogs and articles on how to write one. Turns out...there is no right way or easy way to write one. So take my comments with that caveat in mind.

Your synopsis was the first one I read in this forum that felt like what I think a synopsis should feel like. Your voice came out strong in the synopsis, which I think is important and it seems like you hit all the major plot points of your story.

YA isn't something I read and I haven't read a vampire novel since INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE, which I really liked. I found your story and plot both engaging and suspenseful. The only let down for me was the ending. It didn't have a sense of closure that came through. I didn't feel like the protagonist changed or learned anything along the way. You end with him killing his evil cousins (I have a few of those so I empathized with him), but it seemed like a petty revenge for a character whom I assume developed and grew into the Vampire King. I guess I expected it to end with him stepping up to the leadership role left vacant by Lilith and united the vampires or something. If he does, I would bring that out in the synopsis.

Other than that, I thought the rest of the synopsis was excellent.

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Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

Post by J. T. SHEA » August 21st, 2010, 7:55 pm

'Mathias is trained to fight in the vampire way. Nosferatu tells him there is no way to stop the fight because the Queen does still have political power, even if it is just for show, but that he need not worry because he has many important friends.

The fight occurs. Lilith almost chops Mathias' head off with a kitana sword. From the shadows, Nosferatu beheads Lilith and Mathias passes out.'

If Mathias has nothing to worry about and someone else kills the evil Queen for him, doesn't that make the big duel somewhat anti-climactic, with little at stake? Is that how the novel reads?

You might also detail just just how the Queen assaults Mathias.

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Lillian Grant
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Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

Post by Lillian Grant » August 25th, 2010, 7:15 am

Without any other choice, he goes to see NIC, a wizard who tends to pay for dark services. Nic gives him a job- to deliver some goods, and Mathias sets out on his quest. Unfortunately, dark forces are at work. Mathias is gunned down in a drive by shooting just as he reaches his destination. He’s dying, his breath isn’t coming as easily and he starts thinking about his life and how he got where he is.

After his parents are killed by a drunk driver. His AUNT ANNETTE takes him to her home to live, but Aunt Annette isn’t a nice lady. She and her three children are evil. After Mathias is almost severely maimed by his cousins, he runs away to the farthest place he can get, New York.

I found the move from the first paragraph to the second a little confusing. If he is dying is he having flashbacks? If he is then maybe it should read 'After his parents were killed?'

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Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

Post by JadePhoenix » August 30th, 2010, 3:54 pm

sammyig wrote:I got some great advice about my query, so I thought I would post my synopsis here and see how it can be improved.
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RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL- Synopsis

MATHIAS DRVAR is a street kid. He is hungry, overheatedwhy is he overheated and what does that have to do with anything? It doesn't make sense to me, and dirty. More importantly, he is about to discover that he is much more than a simple street kid; he is the reincarnation of a long lost vampire kingI'd keep that for further along in the synopsis but that's just me, he just doesn’t know it yet.A little bit repetitive in this paragraph - street kid is used twice in two sentences, also "about to discover" suggests he "doesn't know it yet" so that's repeating the same thing two different ways. You could tighten it if you wanted to something like "Mathias Drvar is about to discover he's more than a street kid; he's...."

While he is wandering around the docks of New York, trying to find some work that will earn him some money to get something to eatyou've already established he's a street kid so it makes sense he wants money for food so you don't really need to state that's why he wants money, Mathias witnesses a mob hit on one of the men that works at the docks. He ducks behind a crate to hide. Once he knows it’s safe to come out, he leaves, noticing the date on the newspaper clutched in the corpses hand- it’s August 4th, and today he is thirteen.How'd he not know his birthday was coming up?

Without any other choiceno choice in what? He looks at a paper, realizes it's his bday and suddenly "he has no choice"? What changed?, he goes to see NIC, a wizard who tendshopefully he always pays or Mathias is screwed. :) to pay for dark services. Nic gives him a job- to deliver some goods, and Mathias sets out on his questbeing an errand boy is a quest? And how is that a "dark errand"?. Unfortunately, dark forces are at workso it's good that NIC is around to let him do "dark errands" but "dark forces" are bad? Was there actually something out to get him or did his luck just suck and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time?. Mathias is gunned down in a drive by shooting just as he reaches his destination. He’s dying, his breath isn’t coming as easily and he starts thinking about his life and how he got where he isthat seems an odd construction. It's like he's laying there dying, and just casually starts thinking of stuff. You know, I was just thinking - an AWESOME start to this synopsis, or a query, would be something like "Mathias Drvar's story started the day he died". It would make a nice hook. :).

After his parents are killed by a drunk driver. His AUNT ANNETTE takes him to her home to live, but Aunt Annette isn’t a nice lady. She and her three children are evil. After Mathias is almost severely maimed by his cousins, he runs away to the farthest place he can get, New York this is a huge clash with what you've already written. Not only that but, since it's backstory and not the focus of your story, there really shouldn't be so much time spent on it. Maybe boil it down to one or two sentences and pop it at the beginning? "Mathais Drvar's story started the day he died. Until that point nothing spectacular happened, unless you count his parent's death and being forced to live with crazy Aunt Annette and her demon children." Something like that, or even "Mathais Drvar thought losing his parents and being forced to live on the streets to escape his crazy aunt and demon cousins was the worst possible thing that could happen to him. Then he died, and realized things could be a whole lot worse." See, that takes care of the basic backstory and you could focus everything else in the synopsis on the actual story of your book.

In New York, he stumbles around until he meets LUCRETIA, a young prostitute who takes Mathias in and teaches him how to survive on his own. When Lucretia’s pimp, DEQUAN finds out that she’s been withholding money from him, he kills her as Mathias watches from behind a door. Mathias manages to get away, but barely. Dequan shoots at Mathias as he runs away from the building.backstory

Mathias survives his year on the street and thinks about how ironic it is that he’s been through all of this, and now he’s dying in the street. Suddenly, a dark figure appears that seems to jump at the edges of Mathias’ vision. Just before Mathias vision turns black, he feels the sharp sting of teeth at his throat.he's dying in the street and thinking, "gee, how ironic." Also, this is the third or fourth time you've used the word "dark". Why is everything and everyone so dark?

When he wakes up, he discovers that he is now a vampire, but being a vampire isn’t anything like the movies. He isn’t an insane monster, he is simply himself- with wingsthat's cool. And he is at a school for vampires, but he is never to take classes with any of them. VLAD TSEPES, his maker, feels Mathias is too dangerous and hot tempered to be put into situations with other vampire children, so Mathias is privately tutoredwhy is Mathias to dangerous and hot tempered? You haven't shown any of that before, did it change with him being changed and, if so, why? Also, this seems to be the actual start of your story so it should definitely be your focus, and not the backstory.

Mathias feels somewhat safe until he discovers that all of the vampires he meets believe him to be the reincarnation of their beloved and lost vampire king, Mathias. Mathias tries to tell him that he isn’t any such thing, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the vampire hoards because he bears features of their MathiasSee, you bring it up here so you don't need to mention it at the beginning. It has a better impact here too..

Over time, things seem to feel familiar and Mathias has strange dreams of places he knows he’s never been and memories of being tortured by a beautiful woman. The beautiful woman just so happens to be the current Queen of the vampire world- LILITH.

After he is assaulted by Lilith in a dark hallway, suddenly his dreams are no longer dreams but full vivid memories. He was wrongwrong about what? I don't remember you saying anywhere he didn't believe in reincarnation. Reincarnation does exist and he was Mathias the long lost king.why does Lilith have such a problem with him anyway?

At a party, a high ranking vampire questions Mathias and his sudden revelation. When Mathias reveals a memory to the vampire in front of a crowd, Lilith knows her charade is over.

It becomes important to her that Mathias die again so that she can regain power over her people. But she is insane and doesn’t seem to realize that her people are tired of her. She decides that Mathias must submit to a test of worthiness. This test means a fight between Mathias and Lilith.

THE DRAGON”S ORDER, a mysterious organization of vampires, decides that they will help Mathias. They grant Mathias’ keeperwhy does he need a keeper?, NOSFERATU, who is also Lilith’s son, permission to intercede anyway he can so that Mathias may livewhy would her son betray her?.

Mathias is trained to fight in the vampire way. Nosferatu tells him there is no way to stop the fight because the Queen does still have political power, even if it is just for showwhen did that happen and how?, but that he need not worry because he has many important friendswhy does he have important friends?.

The fight occurs. Lilith almost chops Mathias’ head off with a kitanado you mean katana? sword. From the shadows, Nosferatu beheads Liliththat's mean, and also cheating. :) and Mathias passes outwhy'd he pass out?.

When Mathias wakes, he is relieved to find out that Lilith is, in fact, dead. He is now free to live as normal of a life as possible.
as King? If he didn't want to be King it seems odd Lilith would care one way or the other about him
After he has mastered being a vampire, Mathias pays a visit to family. He kills them allsooooo, you just made me lose all sympathy for your MC and decide he's a homicidal, cowardly, nutjob. He doesn't kill Lilith, but has his cohorts do it, then he goes and slaughters a woman and her children becuase he's decided all his problems in life are their fault. Not only that but he does it at a point when he no longer HAS any problems, Lilith is gone, he gets to be King again I'm assuming. Just how evil were these people that he feels justified in butchering them and burning their home down? REALLY just lost sympathy for this kid, getting some revengeOnly SOME revenge? What else could he possibly want to consider it full revenge? for the life he ended up with. He burns down the house with their bodies inside, and when he hears the sirens, he flies off into the night.
Anyway, it's a good start, a synopsis is HARD to write. The only things I'd work on were focusing more on the story and not so much the backstory, and then fleshing out a few points to show WHY these people are doing the things they are doing. Then, a big one, I'd reconsider the ending where he decides to go kill his Aunt and her kids, it makes him really unsympathetic and unrelatable. He's not involved with them any longer, he has his own life, they aren't threatening him, there's zero reason to go after them and it just really reflects poorly on your MC.

Anyhoo, those are just my opinions obviously, I hope they help! :)

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Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

Post by notw » September 18th, 2010, 11:10 pm

sammyig wrote:I got some great advice about my query, so I thought I would post my synopsis here and see how it can be improved.
----------------------------------------------
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL- Synopsis

MATHIAS DRVAR is a street kid. He is hungry, overheated, and dirty. More importantly, he is about to discover that he is much more than a simple street kid; he is the reincarnation of a long lost vampire king, he just doesn’t know it yet. I agree with Jade I think using street kid twice is a little repetative.

While he is wandering around the docks of New York, trying to find some work that will earn him some money to get something to eat, Mathias witnesses a mob hit on one of the men that works at the docks. He ducks behind a crate to hide. Once he knows it’s safe to come out, he leaves, noticing the date on the newspaper clutched in the corpses hand- it’s August 4th, and today he is thirteen.

Without any other choice, he goes to see NIC, a wizard who tends to pay for dark services. Nic gives him a job- to deliver some goods, and Mathias sets out on his quest. Unfortunately, dark forces are at work. Mathias is gunned down in a drive by shooting just as he reaches his destination. He’s dying, his breath isn’t coming as easily and he starts thinking about his life and how he got where he is. I am not sure how this paragraph relates to the one above it. May just be me though :)

After his parents are killed by a drunk driver. His AUNT ANNETTE takes him to her home to live, but Aunt Annette isn’t a nice lady. She and her three children are evil. After Mathias is almost severely maimed by his cousins, he runs away to the farthest place he can get, New York.

In New York, he stumbles around until he meets LUCRETIA, a young prostitute who takes Mathias in and teaches him how to survive on his own. When Lucretia’s pimp, DEQUAN finds out that she’s been withholding money from him, he kills her as Mathias watches from behind a door. Mathias manages to get away, but barely. Dequan shoots at Mathias as he runs away from the building.

Mathias survives his year on the street and thinks about how ironic it is that he’s been through all of this, and now he’s dying in the street. Might want to rework this sentence. Also street is used twice in the sentence may want to change that up a little. Suddenly, a dark figure appears that seems to jump at the edges of Mathias’ vision. Just before Mathias vision turns black, he feels the sharp sting of teeth at his throat.

When he wakes up, he discovers that he is now a vampire, but being a vampire isn’t anything like the movies. He isn’t an insane monster, he is simply himself- with wings. And he is at a school for vampires, but he is never to take classes with any of them. VLAD TSEPES, his maker, feels Mathias is too dangerous and hot tempered to be put into situations with other vampire children, so Mathias is privately tutored. I would consider explaining why he is too dangerous so the reader has an understanding of what is happening.

Mathias feels somewhat safe until he discovers that all of the vampires he meets believe him to be the reincarnation of their beloved and lost vampire king, Mathias. Mathias tries to tell him that he isn’t any such thing, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the vampire hoards because he bears features of their Mathias. Interesting.

Over time, things seem to feel familiar and Mathias has strange dreams of places he knows he’s never been and memories of being tortured by a beautiful woman. The beautiful woman just so happens to be the current Queen of the vampire world- LILITH.

After he is assaulted by Lilith in a dark hallway, suddenly his dreams are no longer dreams but full vivid memories. He was wrong. Reincarnation does exist and he was Mathias the long lost king.

At a party, a high ranking vampire questions Mathias and his sudden revelation. When Mathias reveals a memory to the vampire in front of a crowd, Lilith knows her charade is over.

It becomes important to her that Mathias die again so that she can regain power over her people. But she is insane and doesn’t seem to realize that her people are tired of her. She decides that Mathias must submit to a test of worthiness. This test means a fight between Mathias and Lilith.

THE DRAGON”S ORDER, a mysterious organization of vampires, decides that they will help Mathias. They grant Mathias’ keeper, NOSFERATU, who is also Lilith’s son, permission to intercede anyway he can so that Mathias may live. I think Jade made a good point here. It would be very helpful to share why her son would betray his own mother.

Mathias is trained to fight in the vampire way. Nosferatu tells him there is no way to stop the fight because the Queen does still have political power, even if it is just for show, but that he need not worry because he has many important friends.

The fight occurs. Lilith almost chops Mathias’ head off with a kitana sword. From the shadows, Nosferatu beheads Lilith and Mathias passes out.

When Mathias wakes, he is relieved to find out that Lilith is, in fact, dead. He is now free to live as normal of a life as possible.

After he has mastered being a vampire, Mathias pays a visit to family. He has mastered being a vampire? What does that entail? He kills them all, getting some revenge for the life he ended up with. He burns down the house with their bodies inside, and when he hears the sirens, he flies off into the night.
I think you have an interesting idea here for a story. I think one of the things I would consider fixing/changing would be the ending. To me it seems a little odd and makes the story incomplete by stopping at that point. Anyway these are just my thoughts and I hope you find something helpful :) Good luck on your next draft!

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Re: Riding on the Tail of the Devil- synopsis

Post by clara_w » September 20th, 2010, 4:36 am

I really liked this story!

I think the ending distoned a bit from the rest, I'd leave it out. Also, explaining why Mathias is so dangerous would be good. Is it just because hes a reincarnation of Mathias? If so, I'd put that in a sentence, like. " merely because he is a reinc...."

One very important point here: Why would Nosferatus kill his own mother? You could specify it like: "Because Lilly killed her own son's fiancee, Nosferatus hates her..." just a crappy example Im giving here.

But really, other then that this is a fantastic synopsis, I wish my one was that good! =)

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