THE WYRM FIEND a YA Urban Fantasy UPDATED

[gilesth]

Before you look at this, I want to say thank you. This board has been very helpful, and I greatly appreciate it!

I know that this synopsis is long, and that is why I am telling you that I'm not looking for line-by-line edits, word-choice critiques, or grammar/punctuation edits. All I'm looking for right now is content critiques. Does the plot make sense? Did I leave important information out? What can I CUT? I'm GOING to cut the word count, but before I butcher it, I just want to know what parts of the story line need to be added (if they already aren't) and what doesn't need to be there for the synopsis. So please don't trouble yourself with detailed editing. That's my job :) When I have the synopsis pared down, I'll ask for more help in that department.

Thanks, again, and I'll be around the board looking over other people's work :D



Though most dragons have gone into hiding over the past few centuries, Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are preparing to join the ranks of twenty-first century dragon slayers. At sixteen, both Chris and Yvonne are ready to take their final test: killing their first dragon. Luckily for them, their dads, Tim Drake and Derek Steele, have a dragon held captive beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion.

Chris and Yvonne expect their battle to go smoothly since the dragon is chained to the wall. However, only a few moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human, and flees into the city. Chris and Yvonne follow, latching onto his chain as he returns to his true form to fly away. Chris wounds the beast, but rather than landing safely in a park, he crashes through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish his job and kill the dragon, but the beasts surrounds the two slayers in fire and flies away, badly beaten by the crash.

Only a few days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with the help of their fathers and Yvonne’s older brother, Matt. In a cave a few miles outside of Estes Park, the beast is licking its wounds with the help of a handful of tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the dragon makes the tommy knockers leave, resigning himself to his fate. He’s killed quickly, and after he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in an ancient ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends.

Back in Denver, Tim and Derek get suspended pending a review from the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction and the new recruits are free to hunt.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne gets kidnapped by the tommy knockers who were up in the mountains with the dragon she killed. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears in the city to tell Chris that an ancient dragon named Tiraenar is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned to him in exchange for Yvonne’s life. They have thirty days to comply. After some quick research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, a beast named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris and Matt, the only two dragon slayers in the area who aren’t suspended, take it upon themselves to find another way to rescue Yvonne.

When Chris reveals this information to his dad, he learns that Tim kept Kaldaern hostage because the dragon killed Chris’s mother. Chris already knew he was adopted and that his mother died giving birth, but this revelation leaves him in shock. Since Tim and Derek’s review is being held at Derek’s house, Tim has been sleeping over for several days. Chris, however, decides that he needs to go home and try to process everything that’s happened to him.

When Chris arrives at the parking garage for his dad’s penthouse downtown, he stumbles on a small cult in the in the building’s basement that is trying to perform a magic ritual on him. Even though he’s a skeptic, he doesn’t want the hooded men to finish their ritual, so he stops them and demands to know what they’re doing. He learns that they want to stop him from finding Tiraenar because the dragon is so old and evil that if his blood is spilled on U.S. soil, they believe his spirit will taint the earth and cause the destruction of the nation. They escape before Chris can interrogate them further.

That night, Chris’s body changes. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns attempt to push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits, much like a dragon. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal, leaving him scared and confused.

Over the next few days, Chris and Matt try to hunt down members of the cult who might know where Tiraenar is hiding. Though they have little luck, Chris does stumble across someone who witnesses one of his brief transformations. As a cultist who believes in magic, he offers to help Chris stop the changes. The man brings one of the cult’s ritualists into a meeting with Chris, and the woman offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses because he won’t let Yvonne die. The ritualist, instead, sends Chris to a seer demon who might be able to tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The demon demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that he has locked in a cage. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life, and when the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, though, it tells Chris that he is not quite human, something Chris suspected when his transformations continued to get worse.

Without any solid leads on Tiraenar’s den, Chris and Matt decide to hunt down the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne. They drive up to Idaho Springs to search abandoned mines for the tommy knockers’ city. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the mine-dwellers. They learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ mountain for years, but since he only enslaved them, Matt must negotiate to learn how to find the dragon. In the end, Matt and Chris earn the tommy knockers’ trust by helping them solve a dispute amongst their people. The slayers agree to free the town from Tiraenar’s control, and in return, the tommy knockers show the young men the entrance to a magical labyrinth that leads to Tiraenar’s den.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease, and on the other side, they find a deep crater filled with baby dragons. They kill the babies quickly and find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. As soon as she’s free, Tiraenar returns to the den, angry that his children are dead. He locks Matt in the cage with Yvonne, but Chris is pinned to the ground.

Chris tells Tiraenar that Kaldearn is dead. Tiraenar already knew this, but he’s happy that Chris is there. He says that Chris is the relative that he was looking for. He inform Chris that Kaldaern, a traitor to dragon-kind, married Chris’s mother. It takes little convincing for Chris to admit that being half dragon explains his sudden transformations. Tiraenar promises to teach Chris how to control his shape-shifting, and in return Chris must kill his two best friends.

As soon as Chris learns how to shape-shift, Matt and Yvonne are let out of their cage. Instead of killing them, though, Chris attacks Tiraenar, and with the help of his friends, they kill the monster.

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris demands that Matt should kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s his job to rid the world of dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t an evil man. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the world from dragons, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon the Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned from Tiraenar that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill him. She hoped to steal his hoard. Instead of killing her, though, Chris chains her up in the same prison Kaldaern lived. After all, he knows next to nothing about being a dragon. If he’s going to stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends and continue to slay dragons, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

[gilesth]

This is a revision. I cut 200 words from it. Any thoughts?


Though most dragons have gone into hiding over the past few centuries, sixteen year old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready become modern dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, Tim Drake and Derek Steele, have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion.

Chris and Yvonne expect the battle to go smoothly. However, only moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human and runs. Chris and Yvonne follow and grab his chain as he returns to his true form and soars into the sky. Chris wounds the beast over the city, and they crash through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish killing the dragon, but it surrounds the two slayers in a ring of fire and limps into the sky.

Three days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with Tim and Derek’s help. In a cave outside of Estes Park, the beast is healing itself with the help of four tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the dragon makes the tommy knockers leave so they won’t get hurt. The slayers kill the dragon, and after he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in an ancient ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends.

Back in Denver, Tim and Derek get suspended by the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction and the new recruits are free to hunt.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne gets kidnapped by the tommy knockers who were up in the mountains. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears to tell Chris that an ancient dragon named Tiraenar is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned in exchange for Yvonne. They have thirty days to comply. After some research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris and Yvonne’s brother, Matt, take it upon themselves to find another way to rescue Yvonne.

When Chris reveals Kaldaern’s history to his dad, he learns that Tim kept Kaldaern hostage because he killed Chris’s mother. Chris already knew he was adopted and that his mother died giving birth, but this revelation leaves him in shock.

Later that night, Chris stumbles on a small cult that is trying to perform a magic ritual on him. Even though he’s a skeptic, he doesn’t want the hooded men to finish their ritual. He attacks them, stops their ritual and learns that they want to keep him from finding Tiraenar because they believe that if his blood is spilled on U.S. soil, his spirit will taint the earth and destroy the nation. They distract Chris and escape before he can interrogate them further.

That night, Chris’s body transforms. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal, leaving him scared and confused.

Over the next few days, Chris and Matt try to hunt down members of the cult who might know where Tiraenar is hiding. They have little luck, but Chris does find someone who witnesses one of his transformations. As a cultist who believes in magic, he offers to help Chris stop the changes. Chris meets with a cult ritualist, and the woman offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses to abandon Yvonne. So the ritualist sends Chris to a seer demon who can tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The demon demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that he has locked in a cage. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life. When the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, it tells Chris that he is not quite human, something Chris suspects when his transformations to get worse.

Without any leads on Tiraenar’s den, Chris and Matt decide to hunt the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne. They drive to Idaho Springs to search abandoned mines for the tommy knockers’ city. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the mine-dwellers. They learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ for years, but since he only enslaved them, Matt convinces them to lead him to Tiraenar’s den. The tommy knockers lead the slayers to a magical labyrinth that surrounds Tiraenar’s home.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease, and on the other side, they find a crater filled with baby dragons. They kill the babies quickly and find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. As soon as she’s free, Tiraenar returns, angry that his children are dead. He shoves Matt into the cage with Yvonne, but he pins Chris to the ground.

Chris tells Tiraenar that Kaldearn is dead. Tiraenar already knew this, but he’s happy that Chris is there. He says that Chris is the relative he was looking for. He inform Chris that Kaldaern, a traitor to dragon-kind, married Chris’s mother. It takes little convincing for Chris to admit that being half dragon explains his sudden transformations. Tiraenar promises to teach Chris how to control his shape-shifting, and in return Chris must kill his two best friends.

As soon as Chris learns how to shape-shift, Matt and Yvonne are freed. Instead of killing them, though, Chris attacks Tiraenar, and with the help of his friends, they kill the monster.

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris orders Matt to kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s his job to kill all dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t evil and he doesn’t deserve to die. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the weak, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned from Tiraenar that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill him. She hoped to steal his hoard. Instead of killing her, though, Chris chains her up in the same prison Kaldaern lived. After all, he knows next to nothing about being a dragon. To stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

[Emily J]

This is a revision. I cut 200 words from it. Any thoughts?


Though most dragons have gone into hiding over the past few centuries, sixteen year old sixteen-year-old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready to become modern day? dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, Tim Drake and Derek Steele, have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion. 'Dragons in Denver' would make a great title...

Chris and Yvonne expect the battle to go smoothly. However, only moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human and runs. Chris and Yvonne follow and grab his chain as he returns to his true form and soars into the sky. Chris wounds the beast over the city, and they crash through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish killing the dragon, but it surrounds the two slayers in a ring of fire and limps into the sky. already used "into the sky" find another way of phrasing this

Three days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with Tim and Derek’s help. why not just with their father's help? fewer names to keep track of that way In a cave outside of Estes Park, the beast is healing itself with the help of four tommy knockers. maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what tommy knockers are, could you maybe briefly explain this? When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the dragon makes the tommy knockers leave so they indefinite pronoun won’t get hurt. The slayers kill the dragon, and after he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in an ancient ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends. <-- over stuffed sentence methinks

Back in Denver, Tim and Derek get suspended by the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when the? Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction and the new recruits are free to hunt.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne gets kidnapped by the tommy knockers who were up in the mountains. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears to tell Chris that an ancient dragon named Tiraenar is holding Yvonne captive. meh? the kidnappers are working for Tiraenar maybe? Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned in exchange for Yvonne. They have thirty days to comply. After some research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris and Yvonne’s brother, Matt, <-- awkward construction, makes it sound like Matt is Chris AND Yvonne's brother take it upon themselves to find another way to rescue Yvonne.

When Chris reveals Kaldaern’s history to his dad, he learns that Tim kept Kaldaern hostage because he killed Chris’s mother. Chris already knew he was adopted and that his mother died giving birth, but this revelation leaves him in shock. explain that someone lied to him maybe?

Later that night, Chris stumbles on a small cult that is trying to perform a magic ritual on him. Scientologists? a bit more specifics on the cult maybe? Even though he’s a skeptic, he doesn’t want the hooded men to finish their ritual. He attacks them, stops their ritual third use of the word ritual and learns that they want to keep him from finding Tiraenar because they believe that if his indefinite possessive pronoun blood is spilled on U.S. soil, his spirit will taint the earth and destroy the nation. kind of vague They distract Chris ooh look shiny? and escape before he can interrogate them further. when was he interrogating them to begin with? the diction here is not painting a clear picture of what's actually happening

That night, Chris’s body transforms. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal, leaving him scared and confused.

Over the next few days, Chris and Matt try to hunt down members of the cult who might know where Tiraenar is hiding. why are the cultists working for the dragon? or just like rabid fan boys? not following the logic here They have little luck, but Chris does find someone who witnesses one of his transformations. As a cultist who believes in magic, he he who? offers to help Chris stop the changes. Chris meets with a cult ritualist, and the woman offers to perform a spell on him. err, what happened to the cult stopping him and all that, and them knowing where Tiraenar is hiding? The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses to abandon Yvonne. So the ritualist sends Chris to a seer demon whoa, we got demons now? glossing over seer because demon! are they related to dragons? who can tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The demon demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that he has locked in a cage. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life. When the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, it tells Chris that he is not quite human, something Chris suspects when his transformations to get worse. that's nice, handing out free information to your murderer, what a magnanimous demon :)

Without any leads on Tiraenar’s den, Chris and Matt decide to hunt the tommy knockers still dont know what that means who kidnapped Yvonne. They drive to Idaho Springs to search abandoned mines for the tommy knockers’ city. they have a city? After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the mine-dwellers. They learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ for years, but since he only what do you mean "only?" not getting this enslaved them, Matt convinces them to lead him to Tiraenar’s den. The tommy knockers lead the slayers to a magical labyrinth that surrounds Tiraenar’s home.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease, and on the other side, they find a crater filled with baby dragons. They kill the babies ugh, there goes my sympathy for the heroes, dragon dead baby jokes anyone? quickly and find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. As soon as she’s free, Tiraenar returns, angry that his children are dead. i know how unreasonable right? He shoves odd verb choice for a dragon, dragons shove? Matt into the cage with Yvonne, but he pins Chris to the ground.

Chris tells Tiraenar that Kaldearn is dead. Tiraenar already knew this, but he’s happy that Chris is there. He says that Chris is the relative he was looking for. He inform Chris that Kaldaern, a traitor to dragon-kind, married Chris’s mother. interesting twist It takes little convincing for Chris to admit that being half dragon explains his sudden transformations. Tiraenar promises to teach Chris how to control his shape-shifting, and in return Chris must kill his two best friends. not much of a bargain

As soon as Chris learns how to shape-shift, Matt and Yvonne are freed. wait what? are freed? this is so passive and doesn't reveal who freed them Instead of killing them, though, Chris attacks Tiraenar, and with the help of his friends, they kill the monster.

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris orders Matt to kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s his indefinite pronoun job to kill all dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t evil and he doesn’t deserve to die. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the weak, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned from Tiraenar that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill him. him being Tiraenar? again your pronouns aren't always well defined She hoped to steal his hoard. Instead of killing her, though, Chris chains her up in the same prison Kaldaern lived. After all, he knows next to nothing about being a dragon. To stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

Please explain tommy knockers to people like me who don't know what the heck they are. Aside from that, be sure to write clearly in terms of style and content. The plot feels a bit convoluted to me at the moment, (like what the heck was with that cult?) and your use of pronouns can at times be baffling. I do like the idea of dragons in colorado and you tied that in well with the destruction at Mile High stadium. Not sure if I am crazy about the title "Wyrm Fiend" but what can I say, I just really like the sound of "Dragons in Denver."

[gilesth]

That's QUITE helpful :) As far as synopses go, I'm not very good at noticing what works and what doesn't. I now have somewhere to go with this!

Thanks :D

P.S. No "the" in Mile High Stadium :) It's like Fenway, Coors Field, Wrigley Field, etc..

Also, how do you feel about BLOOD OF THE DRAGON for a title?

[Emily J]

That's QUITE helpful :) As far as synopses go, I'm not very good at noticing what works and what doesn't. I now have somewhere to go with this!

Thanks :D

P.S. No "the" in Mile High Stadium :) It's like Fenway, Coors Field, Wrigley Field, etc..

Also, how do you feel about BLOOD OF THE DRAGON for a title?

I was thinking I might be wrong about Mile High Stadium. Ah, I'm a New Englander what do I know :) I have a good friend out in Colorado though who I have been meaning to visit. Perhaps I will see this Mile High Stadium you speak of!

In terms of titles, Blood of the Dragon isn't bad but it strikes me as a bit generic for fantasy. In fact I just googled it and saw that Blood of the Dragon and Dragon's Blood are both titles already used in fantasy novels. My problem with Wyrm Fiend is that it strikes me as odd to have anyone refer to themselves as a fiend. I know what you are going for, a sort of Wyrm Bane, but calling the main character a fiend sounds a bit odd. I must admit I am still partial to Dragons in Denver just become it does set it apart a bit, but I'm sure you will come to a decision about your title. And hopefully you will get some more feedback on your synopsis as well.

[gilesth]

I made some more revisions, cut more words from the synopsis, and I'm pretty sure I clarified some stuff. Any thoughts?



Though most dragons have gone into hiding, sixteen year old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready to become modern day dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion.

Chris and Yvonne expect the battle to go smoothly. However, only moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human and runs. To keep him from attacking the city, Chris and Yvonne follow and grab his chain as he returns to his true form and soars into the sky. Chris wounds the beast over the city, and they crash through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish killing the dragon, but it traps the slayers in a ring of fire and limps into the night.

Three days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with their fathers. In a cave outside of Estes Park, the beast is healing itself with the aid of four gnome-like creatures called tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the tommy knockers flee. Certain that the beast will kill thousands of innocent people if he survives, the slayers take his life. After he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in a ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends.

Back in Denver, their fathers get suspended by the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction, and the new recruits are free to hunt.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne is kidnapped by the tommy knockers she saw in the mountains. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears to tell Chris that their master, a dragon named Tiraenar, is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned in exchange for Yvonne’s life. They have thirty days to comply. After some research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris must find a way to rescue Yvonne.

Late that night, Chris stumbles on a cult of magicians who want to keep him from killing Tiraenar. Even though Chris is a skeptic, he stops the hooded men from finishing the ritual they intended to perform on him. When Chris interrogates them, they tell him that if Tiraenar dies, his blood will poison the earth and destroy the United States. They escape before Chris can learn anything else.

Before Chris goes to bed his body suddenly transforms. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal. He’s scared and confused because nothing like this has ever happened to him or anyone else he’s heard of.

Without any leads, Chris and Matt Steele, Yvonne’s brother, try to hunt down members of the cult. The boys hope the cult knows where Tiraenar is. They have no luck, but one of the cultists witnesses another one of Chris’s brief transformation. The cultist offers to help Chris stop the changes. Chris meets with a ritualist who offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses to abandon Yvonne. So the ritualist sends Chris to a bird-like seer demon who can tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The seer demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that the seer locked in a cage when he learned that Chris was coming. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life. When the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, it lets slip that Chris is not quite human, something Chris suspects when his transformations to get worse.

Tired of waiting for more leads, Chris and Matt search abandoned mines in Idaho Springs for the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the gnomish men. The dragon slayers learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ for years, but since he enslaved them rather than killing them outright, Matt convinces them to lead him to Tiraenar’s den. The tommy knockers lead the slayers to a magical labyrinth that surrounds Tiraenar’s home.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease, and on the other side, they find a crater filled with young dragons. Chris and Matt are forced to fight the whelps. When the battle is over, they boys find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. When she’s free, Tiraenar returns, furious that his children are dead. He locks Matt in the cage with Yvonne, but he pins Chris to the ground.

Tiraenar tells his captive that Kaldaern is Chris’s biological father. Chris knew he was adopted, but that news comes as a shock. It does explain Chris’s transformations. Tiraenar tells Chris that he will train the boy to control his shape-shifting. In return, Chris must kill his friends. Chris reluctantly agrees. However, when Matt and Yvonne are let out of their cage to face their deaths, Chris betrays Tiraenar. With the help of his friends, Chis kills the monster.

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris orders Matt to kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s Matt’s job to kill dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t evil and he doesn’t deserve to die. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the weak, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill Tiraenar. She hoped to steal his hoard. Even though she nearly killed Yvonne, Chris spares her life and chains her up in Kaldaern’s old prison. Chris knows next to nothing about being a dragon, and to stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

[JadePhoenix]

Okay, I actually really liked this concept and I have to second another poster's vote for something like "Dragons in Dallas".
The only really big problem I noticed was there seems to be some confusion, at least to me, about why the dragons are being slain. At first it seems like the Dragon Slayers believe all dragons are evil and therefore all should die (regardless of it it's true or not), but later we find Chris is a dragon and suddenly it's "oh, not all dragons are bad, just some." I kind of get the impression that maybe that's a theme in the book (maybe Chris and Co. start out believing the first one, and then slowly move to the second belief) but it's not really clear in the synopsis and it ends up making Chris and co. look kind of bad, while the dragons look sympathetic. Anyway, not a huge fix, just some tweaking here and there to clarify what's going on. In all, I really liked this synopsis and would buy it if I saw it in a store. Obviously, it's up to you what you think, but good luck and I look forward to getting to read it someday when it's published! :)

I made some more revisions, cut more words from the synopsis, and I'm pretty sure I clarified some stuff. Any thoughts?



Though most dragons have gone into hiding, sixteen year old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready to become modern day dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion.This seems odd - they're training to be dragon slayers and their mark of passage is killing a chained up dragon inside a basement? What if they run into a dragon in the real world and it isn't chained up for them?

Chris and Yvonne expect the battle to go smoothlywell, yeah, the poor thing is chained up!. However, only moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human and runsFirst - why didn't he shapeshift in the first place, slip the dragon sized chain off his now human sized body, and take off? Second, I'm finding I have a lot of sympathy for the dragon right now. We haven't seen it do anything wrong (other than be a dragon) and they were going to slaughter it while it was helpless. You may want to tweak it a little bit if you want the MCs to come across better and the dragon to come across worse.. To keep him from attacking the city, Chris and Yvonne follow and grab his chain same problem - shouldn't the dragon sized chain have fallen off his human sized body and now be on the floor somewhere?as he returns to his true form and soars into the sky. Chris wounds the beast over the city, and they crash through the walls of Mile High Stadiumthis is a cool image though I wonder how Chris survived such an event. Do dragon slayers have powers of healing or powers of not getting hurt as easily?. Chris tries to finish killing the dragon, but it traps the slayers in a ring of fire and limps into the nightMore sympathy for the dragon. It's had two chances to kill them (basement, and then right here) and both times it didn't - it simply escaped. Chris and Yvonne aren't looking like such nice people right now. You don't have to rewrite the entire synopsis, just tweak it so we know Chris and Yvonne have an actual reason to kill the dragon that isn't just the bias of "it's a dragon so it should die".

Three days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with their fathers. In a cave outside of Estes Park, the beast is healing itself with the aid of four gnome-like creatures called tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the tommy knockers flee. Certain that the beast will kill thousands of innocent people if he survivesthis in spite of the fact that it already spared their lives twice, and in spite of the fact that it's been on the loose for three days and hasn't hurt anyone?, the slayers take his life. After he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in a ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm FiendsCalling them Fiend (a term usually reserved for something evil) adds to the perception that we should feel sympathy for the dragon, and not Yvonne and Chris.

Back in Denver, their fathers get suspended by the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction, and the new recruits are free to huntI would ground those kids for eternity. :).

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry storeI'm sorry to keep harping on this but, here again, all it did was burn down a store? It didn't hurt anyone? Again, I'm sure you already have it set out why they're bad, but you need to bring it out a little more in here because they don't seem all that bad. Also, is this a story where the world at large doesn't know about dragons? If so, how'd they miss the dragon burning down the store? Can they cloak themselves, or maybe they can breathe fire in their human form?, Yvonne is kidnapped by the tommy knockers she saw in the mountains. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears confusing construction - could be read as "one of the kidnappers SEEMS to tell Chris that..." or "one of the kidnappers SHOWS UP to tell Chris that..."to tell Chris that their master, a dragon named Tiraenar, is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned in exchange for Yvonne’s life. They have thirty days to comply. After some research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris must find a way to rescue Yvonne.

Late that night, Chris stumbles on a cult of magicians who want to keep him from killing Tiraenarkind of random, who are these people?. Even though Chris is a skeptica skeptic of what?, he stops the hooded men from finishing the ritual they intended to perform on himit seems kind of convenient that he just so happens to stumble on them when they're just about to do a ritual that requires him to be there and, also, how'd one kid take on multiple opponenets?. When Chris interrogates them, they tell him that if Tiraenar dies, his blood will poison the earth and destroy the United Statesthe blood of ONE dragon will destroy the United States? What's so special about his blood and why isn't his brother the same way? I'm assuming there's a differnce since the kids didn't die when they painted themselves in the brother's blood. Also, what happens if the dragon just gets hurt and bleeds a little? Everything still gets poisoned? It seems a bit out there that one dragon could destroy a continent, maybe the city they live in or something, maybe when it bleeds it poisons the ground/water table of the location they're in?. They escape before Chris can learn anything else.

Before Chris goes to bed his body suddenly transforms. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normawas there anything he could have done?l. He’s scared and confused because nothing like this has ever happened to him or anyone else he’s heard ofexcept for the dragon in the basement that shapeshifted in front of him and then shapeshifted back into a dragon?.

Without any leads, Chris and Matt Steele, Yvonne’s brotherwhere did Matt come from and why wasn't he there in the first place when his sister got kidnapped?, try to hunt down members of the cult. The boys hope the cult knows where Tiraenar is. They have no luck, but one of the cultists witnesses another one of Chris’s brief transformationIt sounds like you're saying they had no luck finding the cultists, but suddenly the cultists are right there talking to them. The cultist offers to help Chris stop the changes. Chris meets with a ritualist who offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses to abandon Yvonne. So the ritualist sends Chris to a bird-like seer demon who can tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The seer demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that the seer locked in a cage when he learned that Chris was comingthat makes no sense, why is he bothering kidnapping a girl, locking her up, and saying kill her? Why not just kill her himself if he wants her dead?. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life. When the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, it lets slip that Chris is not quite human, something Chris suspects when his transformations to get worsethis seems a little superfluous. He goes through all this just to find out he's not quite human, a fact he should have known the second he started transforming? If that's all this does you could probably cut it and just go straight from the cultist to searching for the tommy knockers.

Tired of waiting for more leads, Chris and Matt search abandoned mines in Idaho Springs for the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the gnomish men. The dragon slayers learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ for years, but since he enslaved them rather than killing them outright, Matt convinces them to lead him to Tiraenar’s denThe wording of this sentence makes it sound like the only reason they're bothering to help is they're alive and have nothing better to do. It might make more sense to say something like, "angered at their enslavement by Tiraenar they agree to help...." something like that. The tommy knockers lead the slayers to a magical labyrinth that surrounds Tiraenar’s homelast sentence they were going to lead the boys to the den, but here they only lead them to a labyrinth.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with easethen what's the point of it being there and why is it magical?, and on the other side, they find a crater filled with young dragons. Chris and Matt are forced to fight the whelpssympathy for the dragon again - here I'm getting an image of them ruthlessly slaughtering a bunch of little baby dragons. You say they're forced to fight, maybe explain how and why they're forced. When the battle is over, they boys find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. When she’s free, Tiraenar returns, furious that his children are dead. He locks Matt in the cage with Yvonne, but he pins Chris to the ground.

Tiraenar tells his captive that Kaldaern is Chris’s biological fatheroops, sucks to be Chris. Chris knew he was adopted, but that news comes as a shock. It does explain Chris’s transformationsyou don't really have to say this, it's inferred from the notion that Kaldaern is his father. Tiraenar tells Chris that he will train the boy to control his shape-shifting. In return, Chris must kill his friends. Chris reluctantly agrees. However, when Matt and Yvonne are let out of their cage to face their deaths, Chris betrays Tiraenar. Chris betrays Tiraenar and, with the help of his friends, kills the monsterWith the help of his friends, Chis kills the monsterHe doesn't seem all that monstrous - he enslaved the tommy knockers but what else did he ever do? It can't just be that he's a dragon because you just made Chris a dragon so unless they're both monsters you need to set up why Tiraenar specifically is a monster.

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris orders Matt to kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s Matt’s job to kill dragonswe know, the dads should be out to get them too. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t evil and he doesn’t deserve to diebut Tiraenar and Chris's dad did? Why? Also, does Chris feel any remorse at all over the fact that he killed his dad?. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the weak, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill Tiraenarwait, I thought the tommy knockers kidnapped Yvonne?. She hoped to steal his hoard. Even though she nearly killed Yvonne, Chris spares her life and chains her up in Kaldaern’s old prison. Chris knows next to nothing about being a dragon, and to stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting abilityhow does he plan to convince her to help when she's evil and he just locked her up in the basement?.

[TigerGray]

Comments. Somewhat short since my idiot computer ate my first reply.


Is the Fraternity the sort of toothless group that spoon feeds its new recruits? Because that is how, go kill this immobilized creature to prove your worth reads to me. Now I am guessing that the test is quite dangerous even with the fact that the dragon is chained, but that's not how it came across to me. Is the fact that dragons can shapechange well known? If so a chain doesn't seem like nearly enough protection and no one should be surprised that the thing escaped.

Why are the older hunters in trouble for the Stadium, but the inexperienced kids receive no sanction?

If I smell a family member's blood on someone, I generally assume the worst. Why does the dragon holding Yvonne captive believe he will gain anything by doing so? Why does he think she knows anything about where his entire family might be?

WARNING. PERSONAL OPINION IMMINENT. GRAIN OF SALT REQUIRED.

I hate their last names. This is entirely personal preference, but it might be something you want to consider even so. I loathe names that refer to a character's role in the story (his name is DRAKE because he's a young dragon!) Or are barely obscured traits. (Steele) Just me.

That said I love the idea of this kind of urban fantasy, where there's a melding of classic fantasy elements (dragons) with recognizable landmarks (mile high stadium) and the consequences of the two intersecting. I applaud you for working so hard on this and I encourage you to keep going. A wider variety of urban fantasy is good for everyone.

[thewhipslip]

Though most dragons have gone into hiding, sixteen year old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready to become modern day dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion. I agree that a chain does not seem like enough protection if the dragons can shapeshift. And I also want more of the legend here. Are all dragons evil? Why are they a menace? How do they operate in modern culture - can humans see them?

Chris and Yvonne expect the battle to go smoothly. However, only moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human and runs. To keep him from attacking the city, Chris and Yvonne follow and grab his chain I'm wondering where the dads are...but that might be unnecessary to mentionas he returns to his true form and soars into the sky Hmm, don't you think remaining a human would be an easier way to hide?. Chris wounds the beast over the city, and they crash through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish killing the dragon, but it traps the slayers in a ring of fire and limps into the night.

Three days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with their fathers. In a cave outside of Estes Park, the beast is healing itself with the aid of four gnome-like creatures called tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the tommy knockers flee. Certain that the beast will kill thousands of innocent people if he survives, the slayers take his life. After he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in a ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends.

Back in Denver, their fathers get suspended by the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction, and the new recruits are free to hunt I'm not buying that they let two new recruits follow this dragon. Aren't there older, more experienced members of the Fraternity who can handle this obvious threat?.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne is kidnapped by the tommy knockers she saw in the mountains. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears to tell Chris that their master, a dragon named Tiraenar, is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned in exchange for Yvonne’s life I agree that if he's smelling the blood, why does he think his brother is alive? Is he not aware of what the Fraternity does? I need more info on how dragons operate and how the Fraternity operates in modern society. Give me some rules and regulations. They have thirty days to comply Why thirty days? Would it take that long? Where does he think his family is?. After some research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris must find a way to rescue Yvonne.

Late that night, Chris stumbles on a cult of magicians who want to keep him from killing Tiraenar. Even though Chris is a skeptic, he stops the hooded men from finishing the ritual they intended to perform on him. When Chris interrogates them, they tell him that if Tiraenar dies, his blood will poison the earth and destroy the United States. They escape before Chris can learn anything else.

Before Chris goes to bed his body suddenly transforms. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal. He’s scared and confused because nothing like this has ever happened to him or anyone else he’s heard of This seems redundant to me. I'm also unclear as to whether his transformation is regular growth (a la puberty) for him, since he's part-dragon, or whether it's the spell, and that was never really clarified.

Without any leads, Chris and Matt Steele, Yvonne’s brother, try to hunt down members of the cult. The boys hope the cult knows where Tiraenar is. They have no luck, but one of the cultists witnesses another one of Chris’s brief transformation. The cultist offers to help Chris stop the changes. Chris meets with a ritualist who offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses to abandon Yvonne. So the ritualist sends Chris to a bird-like seer demon who can tell him where to find Tiraenar Why is the cultist helping him? Don't they want to keep him away from the dragon? So why would he offer info on where to find him?.

The seer demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that the seer locked in a cage when he learned that Chris was coming. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life. When the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, it lets slip that Chris is not quite human, something Chris suspects when his transformations to get worse.

Tired of waiting for more leads, Chris and Matt search abandoned mines in Idaho Springs for the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne Where did they get this information from?. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the gnomish men. The dragon slayers learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ for years, but since he enslaved them rather than killing them outright, Matt convinces them to lead him to Tiraenar’s den. The tommy knockers lead the slayers to a magical labyrinth that surrounds Tiraenar’s home.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease Really? Not much of a guard then..., and on the other side, they find a crater filled with young dragons So is this the real challenge to getting inside? That's not clear.... Chris and Matt are forced to fight the whelps. When the battle is over, they boys find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. When she’s free, Tiraenar returns From where?, furious that his children are dead. He locks Matt in the cage with Yvonne, but he pins Chris to the ground.

Tiraenar tells his captive that Kaldaern is Chris’s biological father This came as a shock. How does that work exactly? He impregnanted Chris' mom when he was a human? Are dragons human - how does all this work??. Chris knew he was adopted, but that news comes as a shock. It does explain Chris’s transformations. Tiraenar tells Chris that he will train the boy to control his shape-shifting. In return, Chris must kill his friends Um, why?. Chris reluctantly agrees. However, when Matt and Yvonne are let out of their cage to face their deaths, Chris betrays Tiraenar. With the help of his friends, Chis kills the monster Lots of killing going on....

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris orders Matt to kill him Kill who?? I thought the dragon was dead - or do you mean kill Chris?. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s Matt’s job to kill dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t evil and he doesn’t deserve to die. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the weak, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill Tiraenar. She hoped to steal his hoard. Even though she nearly killed Yvonne, Chris spares her life and chains her up in Kaldaern’s old prison. Chris knows next to nothing about being a dragon, and to stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.[/quote]

[clara_w]

Though most dragons have gone into hiding over the past few centuries, sixteen year old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready become modern dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, Tim Drake and Derek Steele Wouldnt mention their names. Its secondary and it takes atention from your synopsis., have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion.

Chris and Yvonne expect the battle to go smoothly. However, only moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human and runs. Chris and Yvonne follow and grab his chain as he returns to his true form and soars into the sky. Chris wounds the beast over the city, and they crash through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish killing the dragon, but it surrounds the two slayers in a ring of fire and limps into the sky.

Three days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with Tim and Derek’s helpI'd leave them out too..Unless the dragon kills them, then you could just say "with their fathers" it would still give a good emotional impact.. In a cave outside of Estes Park, the beast is healing itself with the help of four tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the dragon makes the tommy knockers leave so they won’t get hurt. The slayers kill the dragon, and after he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in an ancient ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends.

Back in Denver, Tim and Derek get suspended by the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction and the new recruits are free to hunt.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne gets kidnapped by the tommy knockers who were up in the mountains. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears to tell Chris that an ancient dragon named Tiraenar is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned in exchange for Yvonne. They have thirty days to comply. After some research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris and Yvonne’s brother, Matt, take it upon themselves to find another way to rescue Yvonne.

When Chris reveals Kaldaern’s history to his dad, he learns that Tim kept Kaldaern hostage because he killed Chris’s mother. Chris already knew he was adopted and that his mother died giving birth, but this revelation leaves him in shock.

Later that night, Chris stumbles on a small cult that is trying to perform a magic ritual on him. Even though he’s a skeptic, he doesn’t want the hooded men to finish their ritual. He attacks them, stops their ritual and learns that they want to keep him from finding Tiraenar because they believe that if his blood is spilled on U.S. soil, his spirit will taint the earth and destroy the nation. They distract Chris and escape before he can interrogate them further.

That night, Chris’s body transforms. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal, leaving him scared and confused.Very cool!

Over the next few days, Chris and Matt try to hunt down members of the cult who might know where Tiraenar is hiding. They have little luck, but Chris does find someone who witnesses one of his transformations. As a cultist who believes in magic, he offers to help Chris stop the changes. Chris meets with a cult ritualist, and the woman offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses to abandon Yvonne. So the ritualist sends Chris to a seer demon who can tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The demon demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that he has locked in a cage. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life. When the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, it tells Chris that he is not quite human, something Chris suspects when his transformations to get worse.

Without any leads on Tiraenar’s den, Chris and Matt decide to hunt the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne. They drive to Idaho Springs to search abandoned mines for the tommy knockers’ city. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the mine-dwellers. They learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ for years, but since he only enslaved them, Matt convinces them to lead him to Tiraenar’s den. The tommy knockers lead the slayers to a magical labyrinth that surrounds Tiraenar’s home.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease, and on the other side, they find a crater filled with baby dragons. They kill the babies quickly and find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. As soon as she’s free, Tiraenar returns, angry that his children are dead. He shoves Matt into the cage with Yvonne, but he pins Chris to the ground.I have to be honest with you here, these slayers are sounding pretty heartless to me. I caught myself rooting for Tiraenar, even though he killed Chris mom. But thats just my personal impression.

Chris tells Tiraenar that Kaldearn is dead. Tiraenar already knew this, but he’s happy that Chris is there. He says that Chris is the relative he was looking for. He inform Chris that Kaldaern, a traitor to dragon-kind, married Chris’s mother. It takes little convincing for Chris to admit that being half dragon explains his sudden transformations. Then that makes his dad the villain? He lied about his mothers death.Tiraenar promises to teach Chris how to control his shape-shifting, and in return Chris must kill his two best friends.

As soon as Chris learns how to shape-shift, Matt and Yvonne are freed. Instead of killing them, though, Chris attacks Tiraenar, and with the help of his friends, they kill the monster.

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris orders Matt to kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s his job to kill all dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t evil and he doesn’t deserve to die. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the weak, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned from Tiraenar that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill him. She hoped to steal his hoard. Instead of killing her, though, Chris chains her up in the same prison Kaldaern lived. After all, he knows next to nothing about being a dragon. To stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

Interesting synopsis here =) I was just a bit lost because I caught myself not knowing, nor feeling, who was good and who was bad. But everything else is pretty cool. Good luck!

[arbraun]

Though most dragons have gone into hiding over the past few centuries, Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are preparing to join the ranks of twenty-first century dragon slayers. At sixteen, both Chris and Yvonne are ready to take their final test: killing their first dragon. Luckily for them, their dads, Tim Drake and Derek Steele, have a dragon held captive beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado specifically for this occasion.

Chris and Yvonne expect their battle to go smoothly since the dragon is chained to the wall. However, only a few moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human, and flees into the city. Chris and Yvonne follow, latching onto his chain as he returns to his true form to fly away. Chris wounds the beast, but rather than landing safely in a park, he crashes through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish his job and kill the dragon, but the beasts surrounds the two slayers in fire and flies away, badly beaten by the crash.

Only a few days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with the help of their fathers and Yvonne’s older brother, Matt. In a cave a few miles outside of Estes Park, the beast is licking its wounds with the help of a handful of tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the dragon makes the tommy knockers leave, resigning himself to his fate. He’s killed quickly, and after he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in an ancient ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends.

Back in Denver, Tim and Derek get suspended pending a review from the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction and the new recruits are free to hunt.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne gets kidnapped by the tommy knockers who were up in the mountains with the dragon she killed. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears in the city to tell Chris that an ancient dragon named Tiraenar is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned to him in exchange for Yvonne’s life. They have thirty days to comply. After some quick research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, a beast named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris and Matt, the only two dragon slayers in the area who aren’t suspended, take it upon themselves to find another way to rescue Yvonne.

When Chris reveals this information to his dad, he learns that Tim kept Kaldaern hostage because the dragon killed Chris’s mother. Chris already knew he was adopted and that his mother died giving birth, but this revelation leaves him in shock. Since Tim and Derek’s review is being held at Derek’s house, Tim has been sleeping over for several days. Chris, however, decides that he needs to go home and try to process everything that’s happened to him.

When Chris arrives at the parking garage for his dad’s penthouse downtown, he stumbles on a small cult in the in the building’s basement that is trying to perform a magic ritual on him. Even though he’s a skeptic, he doesn’t want the hooded men to finish their ritual, so he stops them and demands to know what they’re doing. He learns that they want to stop him from finding Tiraenar because the dragon is so old and evil that if his blood is spilled on U.S. soil, they believe his spirit will taint the earth and cause the destruction of the nation. They escape before Chris can interrogate them further.

That night, Chris’s body changes. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns attempt to push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits, much like a dragon. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal, leaving him scared and confused.

Over the next few days, Chris and Matt try to hunt down members of the cult who might know where Tiraenar is hiding. Though they have little luck, Chris does stumble across someone who witnesses one of his brief transformations. As a cultist who believes in magic, he offers to help Chris stop the changes. The man brings one of the cult’s ritualists into a meeting with Chris, and the woman offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses because he won’t let Yvonne die. The ritualist, instead, sends Chris to a seer demon who might be able to tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The demon demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that he has locked in a cage. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life, and when the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, though, it tells Chris that he is not quite human, something Chris suspected when his transformations continued to get worse.

Without any solid leads on Tiraenar’s den, Chris and Matt decide to hunt down the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne. They drive up to Idaho Springs to search abandoned mines for the tommy knockers’ city. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the mine-dwellers. They learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers’ mountain for years, but since he only enslaved them, Matt must negotiate to learn how to find the dragon. In the end, Matt and Chris earn the tommy knockers’ trust by helping them solve a dispute amongst their people. The slayers agree to free the town from Tiraenar’s control, and in return, the tommy knockers show the young men the entrance to a magical labyrinth that leads to Tiraenar’s den.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease, and on the other side, they find a deep crater filled with baby dragons. They kill the babies quickly and find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. As soon as she’s free, Tiraenar returns to the den, angry that his children are dead. He locks Matt in the cage with Yvonne, but Chris is pinned to the ground.

Chris tells Tiraenar that Kaldearn is dead. Tiraenar already knew this, but he’s happy that Chris is there. He says that Chris is the relative that he was looking for. He inform Chris that Kaldaern, a traitor to dragon-kind, married Chris’s mother. It takes little convincing for Chris to admit that being half dragon explains his sudden transformations. Tiraenar promises to teach Chris how to control his shape-shifting, and in return Chris must kill his two best friends.

As soon as Chris learns how to shape-shift, Matt and Yvonne are let out of their cage. Instead of killing them, though, Chris attacks Tiraenar, and with the help of his friends, they kill the monster.

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris demands that Matt should kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s his job to rid the world of dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t an evil man. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the world from dragons, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon the Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned from Tiraenar that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill him. She hoped to steal his hoard. Instead of killing her, though, Chris chains her up in the same prison Kaldaern lived. After all, he knows next to nothing about being a dragon. If he’s going to stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends and continue to slay dragons, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

You have good opening detail. I love the concept of hiding a dragon underground. I also like how you tied it in with Mile High Stadium. Hitting us sports fans where we live, 'eh? I like the bit about painting themselves in dragon's blood, and I love your title, BTW, Wyrm Fiends. I think you could cut the part about Tim's dad and keeping Kaldraern hostage. It slowed me down a bit. I like the bit about the ancient dragon destroying the nation, and Chris's morphing into the dragon. The only thing I had a problem with was, How does one kill a demon as Chris did? The part about Yvonne and Matt not wanting to kill Chris because he's not an evil man stopped me cold. Wouldn't he be a dragon now? I understand you're going for that "good shapeshifter dragon/man" vibe though, and, as a whole, your synopsis is a winner. Kudos to you.

Cheers,

A. R.

[Louise Curtis]

This is a revision. I cut 200 words from it. Any thoughts?


Though most dragons have gone into hiding over the past few centuries, sixteen year old Chris Drake and his best friend, Yvonne Steele, are ready TO become modern dragon slayers. To finish their training, they must kill the dragon that their dads, Tim Drake and Derek Steele, have chained up beneath the streets of Denver, Colorado, specifically for this occasion.

Right now I hate your main characters, and their whole line.

Chris and Yvonne expect the battle to go smoothly. However, only moments into the fight, the dragon rips his chain out of the wall, shape-shifts into a human and runs. Chris and Yvonne follow and grab his chain as he returns to his true form and soars into the sky. Chris wounds the beast over the city, and they crash through the walls of Mile High Stadium. Chris tries to finish killing the dragon, but it surrounds the two slayers in a ring of fire and limps into the sky.

Three days later, Chris and Yvonne track down the dragon with Tim and Derek’s help. In a cave outside of Estes Park, the beast is healing itself with the help of four tommy knockers. When Chris and Yvonne enter the cave, the dragon makes the tommy knockers leave so they won’t get hurt. The slayers kill the dragon, and after he dies, the pair is painted in the dragon’s blood in an ancient ceremony that inducts them into the Fraternity of Wyrm Fiends.

What are tommy knockers?

Once again,the dragon is clearly the good guy. I suspect your story is about your heroes realising that killing dragons is evil - but I badly need some reason to like them. At least make it clear that dragons regularly kill people, or at least that your heroes think they do.

Back in Denver, Tim and Derek get suspended by the Fraternity. Since Chris and Yvonne were under the men’s supervision when Mile High Stadium collapsed, the older slayers are held responsible for the destruction and the new recruits are free to hunt.

I don't think this is relevent to your main plot - just cut the whole paragraph.

While on the trail of a young dragon who burned down a jewelry store, Yvonne gets kidnapped by the tommy knockers who were up in the mountains. The next day, one of the kidnappers appears to tell Chris that an ancient dragon named Tiraenar is holding Yvonne captive. Tiraenar smelled his brother’s blood on the girl, and now he wants his family returned in exchange for Yvonne. They have thirty days to comply. After some research, Chris learns that the dragon he and Yvonne killed, named Kaldaern, is Tiraenar’s only known relative. Since Kaldaern is dead, Chris and Yvonne’s brother, Matt, take it upon themselves to find another way to rescue Yvonne.

When Chris reveals Kaldaern’s history to his dad, he learns that Tim kept Kaldaern hostage because he killed Chris’s mother. Chris already knew he was adopted and that his mother died giving birth, but this revelation leaves him in shock.

All you need of the previous two paragraphs is the first two sentences. It's much better with less names and complications to tangle me up. Having a friend kidnapped is motivation and excitement a-plenty. Backstory is irrelevent here.

Later that night, Chris stumbles on a small cult that is trying to perform a magic ritual on him. Even though he’s a skeptic, he doesn’t want the hooded men to finish their ritual. He attacks them, stops their ritual and learns that they want to keep him from finding Tiraenar because they believe that if his blood is spilled on U.S. soil, his spirit will taint the earth and destroy the nation. They distract Chris and escape before he can interrogate them further.

You only need the first half of this. Wacky ritual folk don't need too much explanation, especially given the next paragraph.

That night, Chris’s body transforms. His flesh turns into hard, coppery scales, horns push their way through his skull, and his irises narrow to slits. Before he can do anything about the changes, his body returns to normal, leaving him scared and confused.

Over the next few days, Chris and Matt try to hunt down members of the cult who might know where Tiraenar is hiding. They have little luck, but Chris does find someone who witnesses one of his transformations. As a cultist who believes in magic, he offers to help Chris stop the changes. Chris meets with a cult ritualist, and the woman offers to perform a spell on him. The only catch is that he must remain locked up until the next lunar eclipse three months away. Chris refuses to abandon Yvonne. So the ritualist sends Chris to a seer demon who can tell him where to find Tiraenar.

The demon demands a sacrifice from Chris: a young girl that he has locked in a cage. Chris won’t sacrifice anyone’s life. When the demon refuses to let the girl go, he kills it. Before the creature dies, it tells Chris that he is not quite human, something Chris suspects when his transformations to get worse.

The previous two paragraphs are exciting, but not relevent. I advise you to cut them completely.

Without any leads on Tiraenar’s den, Chris and Matt decide to hunt the tommy knockers who kidnapped Yvonne. They drive to Idaho Springs to search abandoned mines for the tommy knockers’ city. After a day in the mountains, the young men get abducted by the mine-dwellers. They learn that Tiraenar has terrorized the tommy knockers for years, but since he only enslaved them, Matt convinces them to lead him to Tiraenar’s den. The tommy knockers lead the slayers to a magical labyrinth that surrounds Tiraenar’s home.

The boys navigate the labyrinth with ease, and on the other side, they find a crater filled with baby dragons. They kill the babies quickly and find Yvonne in a cage atop a mountain of gold. As soon as she’s free, Tiraenar returns, angry that his children are dead. He shoves Matt into the cage with Yvonne, but he pins Chris to the ground.

Chris tells Tiraenar that Kaldearn is dead. Tiraenar already knew this, but he’s happy that Chris is there. He says that Chris is the relative he was looking for. He inform Chris that Kaldaern, a traitor to dragon-kind, married Chris’s mother. It takes little convincing for Chris to admit that being half dragon explains his sudden transformations. Tiraenar promises to teach Chris how to control his shape-shifting, and in return Chris must kill his two best friends.

All you need is that Chris is half-dragon (something we all knew already), and the last sentence.

As soon as Chris learns how to shape-shift, Matt and Yvonne are freed. Instead of killing them, though, Chris attacks Tiraenar, and with the help of his friends, they kill the monster.

Monster? Tiraenar doesn't seem so bad to me. (See my earlier comments - you'll need to establish in paragraph one WHY dragons are evil enough to be chained up for some teenage kids to kill.)

When Tiraenar is dead, Chris orders Matt to kill him. As a Wyrm Fiend, it’s his job to kill all dragons. Matt and Yvonne refuse, insisting that he isn’t evil and he doesn’t deserve to die. When Chris admits that he wants to use his strength to help protect the weak, his friends declare the matter settled.

Back home, Chris sets out to find the dragon Yvonne was hunting when she got kidnapped. He learned from Tiraenar that the younger dragon, a tiny female, took Yvonne so that the Colorado Wyrm Fiends would kill him. She hoped to steal his hoard. Instead of killing her, though, Chris chains her up in the same prison Kaldaern lived. After all, he knows next to nothing about being a dragon. To stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

Less detail - all we need to know is that Chris traps a dragon. . . To stay hidden from the Wyrm Fiends, he’ll need her help learning how to control his shape-shifting ability.

Sounds pretty good to me - just needs to be pared down a bit, and we need a sentence or two showing dragons are bad.