Revised synopsis - MEETING OF THE WATERS

[ryanznock]

I got a round of rejections, so I'm looking to revise my novel query and synopsis (and the novel itself). If you want to see the query, you can find it here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1732


SYNOPSIS

In August 2016, JAIME ADRICKS quits playing Ages: High Seas, because the company making the 17th century pirate MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) begins a crossover with their 20th century game Ages: World War. Though he was close to defeating the game’s archvillain, Jaime just can’t take the game seriously anymore. He thinks time-traveling Nazis are cheesy.

Jaime’s depressed ex-girlfriend AFIONG WHITEHEAD invites him to visit her in Brazil, where she works for Tachyon, the company that produces the Ages games. She wants to ‘show him something she’s working on,’ but he rebuffs her, afraid of her making a move to get them back together. Soon thereafter, though, Jaime discovers that Afiong’s father is dying, and he realizes that her call was a cry for help. When he’s unable to get back in touch with Afi, Jaime resolves to fly to Brazil and bring her home so she can see her father one last time.

The upcoming Olympics in Rio de Janeiro complicate Jaime’s mission, and a brewing Cuban Missile-esque crisis off the coast has turned the nation unfriendly to Americans. To navigate the dangers, he enlists the aid of ALESSANDRA “ALÊ” ROCHA, a Brazilian gamer who works a boring government job, pines for her more magical college days, and whose superspy character in Ages: World War recently snuck into the 17th century aboard a time-traveling U-Boat. The two of them quickly hit it off, though Jaime doesn’t know what to think when Alê shares stories of talking to ghosts and hanging out with faeries.

Unbeknownst to either Jaime or Alê, the Nazi occultist who acts as their mutual in-game antagonist is played by BOB DICKWORTH, an American senator. Dickworth started gaming to win younger voters, and now enjoys the guilty pleasure of secretly being an internet Nazi. The senator also makes regular appearances on TV, talking with pundits about the crisis in Brazil. The Chinese are blockading Brazilian oil tankers headed for the US, and Dickworth wants to deploy the military to get the Chinese to back down, even if that might spark an international incident with Brazil.

Doing their best to ignore the politics between their two nations, Jaime and Alê travel from São Paulo to Rio to the Amazonian technoglitz mecca Manaus. There Alê shows Jaime Encontro das Aguas: the Meeting of the Waters, where two rivers dramatically unite to form the Amazon.

Throughout the journey Jaime feels conflicted: for being attracted to Alê while his friend Afiong might be in trouble; for being unwilling to take a side when Alê blames the U.S. for the strife in her country; and because he can’t reconcile how intelligent and charming Alê is with the fact that she believes in magic.

He even feels guilty for quitting Ages, because whenever they stop for the evening, Alê dives into the game. Finally one night, when he sees her character about to be killed by the Nazi occultist, Jaime logs in and saves her, though the Nazis manage to escape. Thrilled by the in-game rescue, Alê kisses Jaime, then makes him promise to keep playing with her.

Their good spirits vanish when they reach the Tachyon company headquarters. Jaime discovers Afiong left a suicide note but has otherwise completely disappeared. Tachyon, secretive for reasons Jaime can’t decipher, arranges compensation so he and Alê will keep quiet, then flies them back to Rio, where the Olympic opening ceremonies have turned the city into one massive party. Mourning Afiong’s apparent suicide, Jaime roams the streets with Alê long into the night, both of them too drunk to realize when they magically walk under an arch and emerge in America.

Confronted by this impossibility, Jaime’s confusion only grows when Afiong appears to him on a bus, perhaps dead yet quite outspoken. She explains that she decided to ‘disappear’ when she realized that the world will always be a wretched place. Without suffering, people cannot feel sympathy, and without sympathy, people will always hurt one another. The only way to be happy is to never seek uncomfortable truths, to be content with mystery. Jaime suspects that there’s more to it, somehow tied to what Afiong was working on in Ages, but she vanishes before he can ask her.

Jaime and Alê decide to visit Afiong’s father, but before they can set out the news reports that a Brazilian athlete was shot and killed for trying to visit his American girlfriend at the US Olympic dorms in Rio. Riots erupt in Brazil, and on TV Senator Dickworth spins this as just another example of why Americans need to use force to deter violence.

Alê, who wants to go home and help stop the violence, argues with Jaime, who doesn’t think it’s his fight. Angry that he won’t help her after all she has done for him, she vanishes through a fountain back to Brazil.

Jaime calls Alê but can’t convince her to come back. Suddenly alone, he visits Afiong’s father and says his farewells a few hours before the old man passes. Jaime spends the following days sifting through Afiong’s last effects. He finds old maps of Encontro das Aguas, plus obscure notes on her final project for the game, but he decides not to ask uncomfortable questions.

Days later, Alê finally calls him. Jaime skipped the penultimate event in the Ages time travel cross-over, which led to Alê’s spy character being captured by the Nazis. The final episode is a mere hour away, but Alê hasn’t called because of the game. Her office is sheltering American athletes and tourists, and rioters have surrounded the building. She’s scared for herself, and for what might happen in her country if the US decides to get involved.

Suddenly their call gets cut off. On the news, Jaime sees Senator Dickworth state that the US has interdicted São Paulo, cutting off its communications to ensure the elemnt of surprise for a rescue mission. He plans to personally meet with the president to push for the military option. Just then, at the exact same moment that the senator checks his phone and reads a text message, Jaime gets a text message alert from Tachyon, reminding him not to miss the time travel conclusion. Piecing together his interactions with the Nazi occultist and Dickworth’s mannerisms in real life, Jaime realizes the senator’s secret, and how he might be able to discredit him and keep Alê safe.

He resolves not to fail Alê as he did Afiong. With a leap of faith, he hops into his car, sets the GPS for Alê’s address in São Paulo, and drives until the streets become a blur. Though he discounted magic before, he finds himself transported back to Brazil. He braves the rioting crowds and reunites with Alê, just as elsewhere around the world his various friends and enemies log in and begin a climactic naval battle between pirates and Nazis on the Amazon River, at Encontro das Aguas.

Jaime and Alê log in and take the fight to Dickworth. Using his knowledge of the river and Afiong’s notes, Jaime rallies the pirates, while Alê’s spy sabotages and sinks the time-traveling U-Boat. They capture the Nazi occultist, then break the game’s fourth wall to reveal Dickworth’s identity. The senator logs off in rage.

With the Nazis defeated, Jaime and Alê continue on to the prize both sides sought, the mysterious Fountain of Time, only to be forced to watch a pre-scripted scene. A spirit with Afiong’s face uses the fountain’s power to open more time portals, allowing more cross-overs between the other Ages games. Ultimately their victory is just a marketing gimmick. That’s Afiong’s great point: nothing you do can actually make a difference, and even if you think you’re doing something for yourself, you’re just being used by someone else.

With the cross-over complete, all the interlopers from the 20th century – the Nazis as well as Alê’s character – are whisked away to their own time, and Jaime has the choice whether to go with Alê’s character. The novel ends with uncertainty. Did Jaime and Alê’s efforts actually defeat the senator’s warmongering? Is Afiong dead or just disappeared? And will Jaime reject the game’s cheesiness, or decide to continue his journey with the woman he loves?

[thewhipslip]

I got a round of rejections, so I'm looking to revise my novel query and synopsis (and the novel itself). If you want to see the query, you can find it here: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1732


SYNOPSIS

In August 2016, JAIME ADRICKS quits playing Ages: High Seas, because the company making the 17th century pirate MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) begins a crossover with their 20th century game Ages: World War. Though he was close to defeating the game’s archvillain, Jaime just can’t take the game seriously anymore. He thinks time-traveling Nazis are cheesy This last sentence is where your talent lies because it's quick and to the point (and funny). Reading through this, I notice that your sentences lack punch. They're long and a bit hard to follow - but this sentence I love. Makes me want to read more..

Jaime’s depressed ex-girlfriend AFIONG WHITEHEAD invites him to visit her in Brazil, where she works for Tachyon, the company that produces the Ages games. She wants to ‘show him something she’s working on,’ but he rebuffs her, afraid of her making a move to get them back together. Soon thereafter, though, Jaime discovers that Afiong’s father is dying, and he realizes that her call was a cry for help. When he’s unable to get back in touch with Afi, Jaime resolves to fly to Brazil and bring her home so she can see her father one last time This part left me slightly confused. Her father is in America? Why is she calling from Brazil? Does she want him to pay for the plane ticket? Is there a reason she can't fly home to see her father? Why does Jaime have to do it?If he's wary enough of her not to go to Brazil, why is the issue of her father dying enough to make him go all the way over there and back? I don't see the motivation there..

The upcoming Olympics in Rio de Janeiro complicate Jaime’s mission, and a brewing Cuban Missile-esque crisis off the coast has turned the nation unfriendly to Americans. To navigate the dangers, he enlists the aid of ALESSANDRA “ALÊ” ROCHA, a Brazilian gamer who works a boring government job, pines for her more magical college days, and whose superspy character in Ages: World War recently snuck into the 17th century aboard a time-traveling U-Boat How does he know Allesandra if he stopped playing after the cross-over? I would indicate the relationships' start in some way.. The two of them quickly hit it off, though Jaime doesn’t know what to think when Alê shares stories of talking to ghosts and hanging out with faeries.

Unbeknownst to either Jaime or Alê, the Nazi occultist who acts as their mutual in-game antagonist is played by BOB DICKWORTH, an American senator Again, I thought Jaime had stopped playing...? I also think the inclusion of the antagonist here kind of takes away from Jaime's flow. I want to see how the antagonist interferes.. Dickworth started gaming to win younger voters, and now enjoys the guilty pleasure of secretly being an internet Nazi. The senator also makes regular appearances on TV, talking with pundits about the crisis in Brazil. The Chinese are blockading Brazilian oil tankers headed for the US Why is this? Because they're communist?, and Dickworth wants to deploy the military to get the Chinese to back down, even if that might spark an international incident with Brazil.

Doing their best to ignore the politics between their two nations, Jaime and Alê travel from São Paulo to Rio to the Amazonian technoglitz mecca Manaus. There Alê shows Jaime Encontro das Aguas: the Meeting of the Waters, where two rivers dramatically unite to form the Amazon And I care why? There's not enough of a forward movement here. This comment seems random to me..

Throughout the journey Jaime feels conflicted: for being attracted to Alê while his friend Afiong might be in trouble Trouble from what? That her father's dying and she's depressed? If he was that concerned, why is he traveling? Can't he get a direct flight to Brazil?; for being unwilling to take a side when Alê blames the U.S. for the strife in her country; and because he can’t reconcile how intelligent and charming Alê is with the fact that she believes in magic.

He even feels guilty for quitting Ages, because whenever they stop for the evening, Alê dives into the game. Finally one night, when he sees her character about to be killed by the Nazi occultist How does he see this?, Jaime logs in and saves her, though the Nazis manage to escape. Thrilled by the in-game rescue, Alê kisses Jaime, then makes him promise to keep playing with her.

Their good spirits vanish when they reach the Tachyon company headquarters. Jaime discovers Afiong left a suicide note but has otherwise completely disappeared. Tachyon, secretive for reasons Jaime can’t decipher, arranges compensation so he and Alê will keep quiet, then flies them back to Rio, where the Olympic opening ceremonies have turned the city into one massive party. Mourning Afiong’s apparent suicide, Jaime roams the streets with Alê long into the night, both of them too drunk to realize when they magically walk under an arch and emerge in America Whoa. What? This is random. Is this the real conflict of the story? It should probably be sooner..

Confronted by this impossibility, Jaime’s confusion only grows when Afiong appears to him on a bus, perhaps dead yet quite outspoken This is your story here. This should be in paragraph one or two.. She explains that she decided to ‘disappear’ when she realized that the world will always be a wretched place. Without suffering, people cannot feel sympathy, and without sympathy, people will always hurt one another. The only way to be happy is to never seek uncomfortable truths, to be content with mystery Huh? What is she talking about? Is she dead? She wanted to be a ghost so she wouldn't have to be alive anymore?. Jaime suspects that there’s more to it, somehow tied to what Afiong was working on in Ages, but she vanishes before he can ask her.

Jaime and Alê decide to visit Afiong’s father, but before they can set out the news reports that a Brazilian athlete was shot and killed for trying to visit his American girlfriend at the US Olympic dorms in Rio. Riots erupt in Brazil, and on TV Senator Dickworth spins this as just another example of why Americans need to use force to deter violence.You need to give me a real sense of the danger in Brazil early on. It sounds serious, but saying a "Cuban Missile-esque crisis" doesn't show me why it's dangerous for Jaime to be there.

Alê, who wants to go home and help stop the violence, argues with Jaime, who doesn’t think it’s his fight. Angry that he won’t help her after all she has done for him, she vanishes through a fountain back to Brazil. What? There's a magical fountain?

Jaime calls Alê but can’t convince her to come back Come back from where? Is he not concerned that there's a magical fountain?. Suddenly alone, he visits Afiong’s father and says his farewells a few hours before the old man passes. Jaime spends the following days sifting through Afiong’s last effects. He finds old maps of Encontro das Aguas, plus obscure notes on her final project for the game, but he decides not to ask uncomfortable questions Of whom?He thinks she's been murdered; she's a ghost; his love interest is gone - he's not looking for answers? AT ALL? This guy seems a bit of a chump..

Days later, Alê finally calls him. Jaime skipped the penultimate event in the Ages time travel cross-over, which led to Alê’s spy character being captured by the Nazis. The final episode is a mere hour away, but Alê hasn’t called because of the game. Her office is sheltering American athletes and tourists, and rioters have surrounded the building. She’s scared for herself, and for what might happen in her country if the US decides to get involved.

Suddenly their call gets cut off. On the news, Jaime sees Senator Dickworth state that the US has interdicted São Paulo, cutting off its communications to ensure the elemnt of surprise for a rescue mission. He plans to personally meet with the president to push for the military option. Just then, at the exact same moment that the senator checks his phone and reads a text message, Jaime gets a text message alert from Tachyon, reminding him not to miss the time travel conclusion. Piecing together his interactions with the Nazi occultist and Dickworth’s mannerisms in real life, Jaime realizes the senator’s secret, and how he might be able to discredit him and keep Alê safe.

He resolves not to fail Alê as he did Afiong. With a leap of faith, he hops into his car, sets the GPS for Alê’s address in São Paulo, and drives until the streets become a blur. Though he discounted magic before, he finds himself transported back to Brazil. He braves the rioting crowds and reunites with Alê, just as elsewhere around the world his various friends and enemies log in and begin a climactic naval battle between pirates and Nazis on the Amazon River, at Encontro das Aguas.

Jaime and Alê log in and take the fight to Dickworth. Using his knowledge of the river and Afiong’s notes, Jaime rallies the pirates, while Alê’s spy sabotages and sinks the time-traveling U-Boat. They capture the Nazi occultist, then break the game’s fourth wall to reveal Dickworth’s identity. The senator logs off in rage.

With the Nazis defeated, Jaime and Alê continue on to the prize both sides sought, the mysterious Fountain of Time, only to be forced to watch a pre-scripted scene. A spirit with Afiong’s face uses the fountain’s power to open more time portals, allowing more cross-overs between the other Ages games. Ultimately their victory is just a marketing gimmick. That’s Afiong’s great point: nothing you do can actually make a difference, and even if you think you’re doing something for yourself, you’re just being used by someone else.

With the cross-over complete, all the interlopers from the 20th century – the Nazis as well as Alê’s character – are whisked away to their own time, and Jaime has the choice whether to go with Alê’s character. The novel ends with uncertainty. Did Jaime and Alê’s efforts actually defeat the senator’s warmongering? Is Afiong dead or just disappeared? And will Jaime reject the game’s cheesiness, or decide to continue his journey with the woman he loves?

You lost me on the end there. It seems Jaime's fine with time portals opening up. The Senator's role seems very separate from Jaime's struggles. I don't feel him as a threat. Jaime doesn't seem to either until the end. If most of this novel takes place inside the game, give us a better sense of the game itself. Jaime seems a little lazy as a character. I see him reacting to stuff, but not doing anything about it. Give this a forward thrust. Jaime's doing this and why, Jaime's doing that and why, and take us to the ending with a clear sense that we want to read about this guy and his struggles. Him choosing to quit the game and then choosing not to ask questions makes him seem like a quitter.

Hope this helps. Sounds like you've got an awesome idea here, it just needs more focus.

[dios4vida]

Before I start interjecting my comments, I have a few initial reactions:

1. Length: This seems really long for a synopsis. Most agents I've looked into want no more than three pages, double spaced. Are there a few minor points you can cut out to make it a bit shorter?

2. Confusion: There are so many things going on that you really lost me. I had a hard time distinguishing the real world events from what's happening in the game. You had so many details that my brain feels very "full" right now.

3. Plot definition: You have a lot of really interesting ideas, but I had a hard time putting my finger on the central plotline. I can't seem to sum up your story in my mind, which only adds to the confusion.

Here we go with the line-by-line:

In August 2016, JAIME ADRICKS quits playing Ages: High Seas, because the company making the 17th century pirate MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) begins a crossover with their 20th century game Ages: World War. Though he was close to defeating the game’s archvillain, Jaime just can’t take the game seriously anymore. He thinks time-traveling Nazis are cheesy. When I first started reading I couldn't help but wonder what this had to do with the plot. It seemed a little random - after all, most of the time gaming is a very minor thing. Is there a way you can clue the reader in to the fact that this is more than just a side detail?

Jaime’s depressed ex-girlfriend AFIONG WHITEHEAD invites him to visit her in Brazil, where she works for Tachyon, the company that produces the Ages games. She wants to ‘show him something she’s working on,’ but he rebuffs her, afraid of her making a move to get them back together. Do you need to explain why he rebuffs her? Since this is a synopsis I don't know if you have to go into such detail. Soon thereafter, though, Jaime discovers that Afiong’s father is dying, and he realizes that her call was a cry for help. When he’s unable to get back in touch with Afi, Jaime resolves to fly to Brazil and bring her home so she can see her father one last time.

The upcoming Olympics in Rio de Janeiro complicate Jaime’s mission, Why do the Olympics make it harder? and a brewing Cuban Missile-esque crisis Mentioning the Cuban Missile Crisis really confused me. Is Cuba actually involved, or is it just a similar situation? I think it would work better with a more generic description. off the coast has turned the nation unfriendly to Americans. Why? Is it America vs Brazil? To navigate the dangers, he enlists the aid of ALESSANDRA “ALÊ” ROCHA, a Brazilian gamer who works a boring government job, Do we need to know that she has a boring job? pines for her more magical college days, and whose superspy character in Ages: World War recently snuck into the 17th century aboard a time-traveling U-Boat. I got really confused again - what does this have to do with the story? The two of them quickly hit it off, though Jaime doesn’t know what to think when Alê shares stories of talking to ghosts and hanging out with faeries. You mentioned "magical college days" right before ghosts and faeries. Did you mean to infer that her college days were literally magical, or just well-loved?

Unbeknownst to either Jaime or Alê, the Nazi occultist who acts as their mutual in-game antagonist is played by BOB DICKWORTH, an American senator. Dickworth started gaming to win younger voters, and now enjoys the guilty pleasure of secretly being an internet Nazi. The senator also makes regular appearances on TV, talking with pundits about the crisis in Brazil. The Chinese are blockading Brazilian oil tankers headed for the US, and Dickworth wants to deploy the military to get the Chinese to back down, even if that might spark an international incident with Brazil. Here we find out what you meant by the Cuban Missile-esque crisis. I think this would be better if you move it up to when you first mention his troubles getting into Brazil.

Doing their best to ignore the politics between their two nations, Jaime and Alê travel from São Paulo to Rio to the Amazonian technoglitz mecca I love that description! Manaus. There Alê shows Jaime Encontro das Aguas: the Meeting of the Waters, where two rivers dramatically unite to form the Amazon.

Throughout the journey Jaime feels conflicted: for being attracted to Alê while his friend Afiong might be in trouble; for being unwilling to take a side when Alê blames the U.S. for the strife in her country; and because he can’t reconcile how intelligent and charming Alê is with the fact that she believes in magic. Good!

He even feels guilty for quitting Ages, because whenever they stop for the evening, Alê dives into the game. Finally one night, when he sees her character about to be killed by the Nazi occultist, Jaime logs in and saves her, though the Nazis manage to escape. Thrilled by the in-game rescue, Alê kisses Jaime, then makes him promise to keep playing with her.

Their good spirits vanish when they reach the Tachyon company headquarters. Jaime discovers Afiong left a suicide note but has otherwise completely disappeared. Tachyon, secretive for reasons Jaime can’t decipher, arranges compensation so he and Alê will keep quiet, then flies them back to Rio, where the Olympic opening ceremonies have turned the city into one massive party. Mourning Afiong’s apparent suicide, Jaime roams the streets with Alê long into the night, both of them too drunk to realize when they magically walk under an arch and emerge in America.

Confronted by this impossibility, Jaime’s confusion only grows when Afiong appears to him on a bus, perhaps dead yet quite outspoken. She explains that she decided to ‘disappear’ when she realized that the world will always be a wretched place. Without suffering, people cannot feel sympathy, and without sympathy, people will always hurt one another. The only way to be happy is to never seek uncomfortable truths, to be content with mystery. This is very poignant but I wonder if it belongs in the synopsis. Just saying "the world will always be a wretched place" seems like enough for now. Jaime suspects that there’s more to it, somehow tied to what Afiong was working on in Ages, but she vanishes before he can ask her.

Jaime and Alê decide to visit Afiong’s father, but before they can set out the news reports that a Brazilian athlete was shot and killed for trying to visit his American girlfriend at the US Olympic dorms in Rio. Riots erupt in Brazil, and on TV Senator Dickworth spins this as just another example of why Americans need to use force to deter violence.

Alê, who wants to go home and help stop the violence, argues with Jaime, who doesn’t think it’s his fight. Angry that he won’t help her after all she has done for him, she vanishes through a fountain back to Brazil.

Jaime calls Alê but can’t convince her to come back. Suddenly alone, he visits Afiong’s father and says his farewells a few hours before the old man passes. Is this important? Jaime spends the following days sifting through Afiong’s last effects. He finds old maps of Encontro das Aguas, plus obscure notes on her final project for the game, but he decides not to ask uncomfortable questions. Of whom? No one is left to ask questions to.

Days later, Alê finally calls him. Jaime skipped the penultimate event in the Ages time travel cross-over, which led to Alê’s spy character being captured by the Nazis. Confused! He skipped what? The two Ages games converging? The final episode is a mere hour away, but Alê hasn’t called because of the game. Her office is sheltering American athletes and tourists, and rioters have surrounded the building. She’s scared for herself, and for what might happen in her country if the US decides to get involved.

Suddenly their call gets cut off. On the news, Jaime sees Senator Dickworth state that the US has interdicted São Paulo, cutting off its communications to ensure the element of surprise for a rescue mission. He plans to personally meet with the president to push for the military option. Just then, at the exact same moment that the senator checks his phone and reads a text message, Jaime gets a text message alert from Tachyon, reminding him not to miss the time travel conclusion of Ages. Piecing together his interactions with the Nazi occultist and Dickworth’s mannerisms in real life, Jaime realizes the senator’s secret, and how he might be able to discredit him and keep Alê safe. I understand that Dickworth (great name, BTW) is the villian but I'm really not getting much of a "bad guy" vibe from him. Why exactly is he the antagonist? Because he's trying to get the US involved in Brazil, or because he's a gamer-Nazi?

He resolves not to fail Alê as he did Afiong. With a leap of faith, he hops into his car, sets the GPS for Alê’s address in São Paulo, and drives until the streets become a blur. Though he discounted magic before, he finds himself transported back to Brazil. He braves the rioting crowds and reunites with Alê, just as elsewhere around the world his various friends and enemies log in and begin a climactic naval battle between pirates and Nazis on the Amazon River, at Encontro das Aguas.

Jaime and Alê log in and take the fight to Dickworth. Using his knowledge of the river and Afiong’s notes, Jaime rallies the pirates, while Alê’s spy sabotages and sinks the time-traveling U-Boat. They capture the Nazi occultist, then break the game’s fourth wall What's a fourth wall? to reveal Dickworth’s identity. The senator logs off in rage.

With the Nazis defeated, Jaime and Alê continue on to the prize both sides sought, the mysterious Fountain of Time, only to be forced to watch a pre-scripted scene. A spirit with Afiong’s face uses the fountain’s power to open more time portals, allowing more cross-overs between the other Ages games. Ultimately their victory is just a marketing gimmick. That’s Afiong’s great point: nothing you do can actually make a difference, and even if you think you’re doing something for yourself, you’re just being used by someone else.

With the cross-over complete, all the interlopers from the 20th century – the Nazis as well as Alê’s character – are whisked away to their own time, and Jaime has the choice whether to go with Alê’s character. The novel ends with uncertainty. Did Jaime and Alê’s efforts actually defeat the senator’s warmongering? Is Afiong dead or just disappeared? And will Jaime reject the game’s cheesiness, or decide to continue his journey with the woman he loves?

I think you have some really awesome ideas, and a very intricate storyline. I feel like it just needs a little clarification. I think finding a way to state early on that the game is an allegorical representation of the events of the real world would really help. Even so, I'm not really sure what the game is...is it connected even closer to life than just coincidence? Is the magic Alê sees part of the game? A little more explanation of all that would really help.

Also, just a little more clarification about the situation around Brazil. Who's involved, how, etc.

I'm really intrigued by this story and looking forward to the next revision! Good luck.