SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

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sarahdee
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SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by sarahdee » July 10th, 2010, 3:42 am

I have created and pasted a new version which takes into account most the suggestions (I think). The red writing is new. I thought this was important as I'm selling the genre as a pyschological thriller and most the second half of the book is (a) Janie wheedling away at Candice to get her to take all the blame and leave Janie out of it and (b) her avoiding the police questions and pointing the finger at absolutely everyone else. And the purple writing about the rulebook is a little cliched but perhaps apt as Janie's narration includes many of Janie's top tips on how to lie and manipulate so let me know what you think....

I hate writing synopsis' but I hope to re-query again at the end of the month so trying to get it sorted


Janie is the new girl in school and is happy to have friends after the torment and abuse she received from the children at her old school. Janie is not a nice child, she likes to be in control, she has no problem with telling lies and she wrote the rulebook on passive manipulation. Evie also has many issues and troubles due to an abusive father and a depressed mother causing her to crave attention, especially from the many men in her life. Candice is the ‘glue’ that holds the friendship together, calm and collected, with both Evie and Janie fighting for her attention.

Janie has stalked Mark, a friend of her brother’s, for most of their school years. Two years later, after the loss of her father, Mark and Janie strike up what Mark sees as a causal friendship but Janie, still obsessed with Mark, exaggerates in her head to be something much more. Around his time, Evie runs into Mark in a pub and not recognising him at first, flirts with him. When Janie found out she was furious, believing her friend to have betrayed her so Evie, out of guilt, promises to stay away from Mark, despite her true feelings for him

Several months later, Janie discovers that Evie and Mark has been secretly dating behind her back and, using Candice go-between, feeds Evie lies which make Evie doubt Mark’s love for her. Janie sets out on a campaign to break them up and win back the man she believes is rightfully hers.

One fateful night, the four of them argue while drunk at a party. Evie, high on drugs, screams and shous at Janie and Candice for trying to take Mark, the first man she has ever really trusted, away from her. She tells them all, including Mark, to go to hell and leaves the party. Mark has had enough of Janie and her manipulation and gives both her and Candice a piece of his mind. As he leaves, Candice pushes him in anger and he falls down a flight of stairs. Believing him to be dead, Janie and Candice panic and decide to cover up his death by burying the body in nearby woods.

As Candice leaves to get a car, Mark becomes conscious. Janie is overjoyed to find him alive and throws herself at him, begging for his love. He pushes her away, calling her a psychotic stalker and says Evie is his true love. Enraged at this rejection, Janie hits him over the back of the head; this time making sure he is really dead and allows Candice to carry on believing she was the one who killed him.

Evie believes, as they hoped, he left her and is devastated. He had been talking to her of moving to London and she thinks he just went without saying goodbye. His leaving her, combined with her melodramatic personality, causes her commit suicide.

Candice is distraught, blaming herself. Candice starts to question many of the events and is disturbed by Janie’s unremorseful attitude. After an argument between them at Evie’s funeral sends Candice into a bout of depression her parents make the decision to move away from the area.

Seventeen years later a new building development unearths Mark’s body. Janie and Candice are reunited after not seeing each other since Evie’s funeral and reminisce about old times, including that fateful night. Eventually the body is identified and they are both sought out by the police for questioning, Janie several times as the police seem to be suspicious of her. Although there is no real evidence connecting them, many people knew about the party and that the three girls had argued with Mark on the last night anyone ever saw him alive.

Candice is torn between wanting to talk to the only person who knows what happened and knew Evie, yet is still wary of Janie. They are both worried with how much the police know.

Janie, true to form, manipulates Candice, playing on her guilt to ensure her own protection. She tells Candice how unfair it is that she should be involved when it was all Candice’s fault and she just helped her friend out all those years ago. She paves the way with the police for Candice's downfall

Candice, moved by guilt, remorse and fear, admits her involvement to the police, leaving out Janie’s part.

Candice is arrested for murder and Janie walks away free.
Last edited by sarahdee on August 6th, 2010, 4:34 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by J. T. SHEA » July 10th, 2010, 2:26 pm

Much better, Sarahdee. But you need more punctuation to make your meaning clear. I suggest some commas below, but I think even more may be needed.


Janie, Evie and Candice are three very different girls who meet in primary school and grow up together. Janie is a disturbed girl who fails to understand cause and effect on others and thinks only of herself. She is selfish, manipulative and blames the world for her problems. Evie also has many issues and troubles due to an abusive father and a depressed mother. She is sweet and kind to her friends but craves attention, especially from the many men in her life. Candice is the 'glue' that holds the friendship together, COMMA with both Evie and Janie fighting for her attention.

Janie has stalked Mark, a friend of her brother's, for years. He does not like her, seeing her as little more than his mate's annoying little sister. At college, when Janie has a boyfriend and has just lost her father, Mark is briefly kind to her and they strike up a friendship of sorts. To him, it's a casual friendship, to her it is his true feelings about her coming though. Around his time, Evie meets Mark in a pub and, COMMA not recognising him at first, flirts with him. Janie finds out and is furious, COMMA so Evie promises to stay away from him, despite Mark's obvious interest in her and Janie having a boyfriend.

Several months later, Janie discovers that Evie and Mark has HAVE been secretly dating behind her back and, COMMA using Candice as an unsuspecting messenger, COMMA feeds Evie many lies, COMMA which makes Evie doubt Mark's love for her. Janie is an expert in manipulation and sets out on a campaign to break them up and win back the man she believes is rightfully hers. Janie is convinced that Mark's only reason for not wanting her was her boyfriend, whom she has now broken up with, COMMA believing this will clear the way for her and Mark to be together.

One fateful night, the four of them argue while drunk at a party. Evie hates Janie for destroying the first honest and loving relationship of her life. Janie hates Evie for stealing her man, COMMA whom she expressively EXPRESSLY? forbade her to date. Candice, believing Janie, hates Mark for causing a rift in the friendship. Evie walks out, COMMA telling them she has had enough of them all. Mark also makes to leave, COMMA but after a fight with Candice, COMMA falls down the stairs. Candice and Janie believe him to be dead. They realise the trouble they will get into, not just with the police, COMMA but with Evie, COMMA who will be heartbroken. Evie had HAS recently been experimenting with drugs and had HAS become a little unstable. They panic and decide to cover up his death by burying the body in nearby woods.

Evie believes, as they hoped, he MARK left her, COMMA and SHE is devastated. He had been talking to her of moving to London and she thinks he just went without saying goodbye. His leaving her, combined with her melodramatic personality, makes her commit suicide.

Candice is distraught, blaming herself. Janie is secretly glad as now she doesn't have to share Candice with Evie. Candice starts to question many of the events and is disturbed by Janie's unremorseful attitude. An argument between them at Evie's funeral sends Candice into a bout of depression and her parents make the decision to move away from the area.

Seventeen years later a new building development unearths Mark's body and both Janie and Candice must deal with their ghosts - they are reunited after not seeing each other since Evie's funeral. Eventually the body is identified and they are both sought out by the police for questioning, Janie several times as the police seem to be suspicious of her. Although there is no real evidence connecting them, many people knew about the party and that the three girls had argued with Mark on the last night anyone ever saw him alive.

Candice is torn between wanting to talk to the only person who knows what happened and knew Evie, yet still wary of Janie. They are both worried with ABOUT? how much the police know. Janie starts trying to manipulate Candice again, arguing it is not fair she should be involved when all she did was help Candice cover up her mistake. Candice, moved by guilt, remorse and fear, admits her involvement to the police, leaving out Janie's part. Candice is arrested and Janie walks away.

On that fateful night it was not Candice who killed Mark. She had pushed him down a flight of stairs, COMMA causing him to hit his head, COMMA and knocking him unconscious. The two girls, due to the drink, had panicked and assumed him dead. While Candice had gone home to pick up her car, he came around, COMMA and Janie, glad to see him alive, COMMA throws herself at him. He pushes her away, COMMA calling her a psychotic stalker and claiming Evie is the only woman he loves. In fury at this rejection, Janie kills him with a cricket bat to the back of his head, COMMA then covers up this new crime, COMMA allowing Candice to carry on believing she is responsible.


Your last paragraph is effectively a flashback within the synopsis, allowing you to delay revealing the big surprise as long as possible, but also causing a tense problem. The first sentence is past tense. The second and third sentences are pluperfect tense (past before past). The fourth sentence changes from pluperfect to past and then to present tense. The last two sentences remain in the present tense.

These tense changes read awkwardly. You could keep the whole paragraph in the past tense, or move it up to its chronological place after paragraph four and change it to present tense. Delaying the big surprise is excellent in a novel but not necessary in a synopsis.

Overall, a tragic tale, Sarahdee. I don't consider this synopsis too long, but follow the guidelines, if any, of whatever agent you are querying. I hope I have been of some assistance.

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by sarahdee » July 10th, 2010, 10:36 pm

Thanks for that,I had been struggling with that para. Perhaps if I use something along the lines of that posted below and insert in between the first and second.

As Candice leaves to get a car, Mark becomes conscious. Janie is overjoyed to find him alive and throws herself at him, begging for his love. He pushes her away, calling her a psychotic stalker and says Evie is his true love. Furious at this rejection, Janie hits him over the back of the head; this time making sure he is really dead. She covers up this new crime and when Candice returns, continues to allow her to believe she killed him.

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by RebeccaB » July 11th, 2010, 3:54 am

Hi there,
This is a little long for my tastes, but it is a good descriptive base. I hope this helps.

Janie, Evie and Candice are three very different girls who meet in primary school and grow up together. OK, so do they grow in the story or are they grown now and have been friends since primary school? Janie isa disturbed girl who fails to understand cause and effect on others and thinks only of herself. She is selfish, manipulative and blames the world for her problems. Evie also has many issues and troubles due to an abusive father and a depressed mother. She is sweet and kind to her friends butcausing her to crave attention from the many men in her life. Candice is the ‘glue’ that holds the friendship together 'There is no insight into the type of person Candice is, it doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the paragraph' with both Evie and Janie fighting for her attention. Maybe say something like 'But this doesn't stop both Evie and Janie fighting for her attention.'

Janie has stalked Mark, a friend of her brother’s, for years. He does not like her, seeing has always seen her as little more than his mate’s annoying little sister. At college, when Janie has a boyfriend and has just lost her father, Mark is briefly kind to her and they strike up a friendship of sorts. To him, it’s a casual friendship, to her it is his true feelings about her coming though. Around his time, Maybe something like; 'But after the loss of her father, Mark shows a new kindness for her, and though Mark sees this new relationship as one of friendship, Janie, however thinks it is the beginning of true love. Despite the fact that she already has a boyfriend. Evie meets runs into Mark in a pub and not recognising him at first, flirts with him. When Janie finds out and she is furious so Evie promises to stay away from him, despite her feelings and Mark’s obvious interest in her. and Janie having a boyfriend.

Several months later, Janie discovers that Evie and Mark has had been secretly dating behind her back Janie is an expert in manipulation and successfully sets out on a campaigns to break them up using Candice as an unsuspecting unwitting messenger feeding Evie many lies which makes making Evie doubt Mark’s love for her.[/color] and win back the man she believes is rightfully hers.Janie, is convinced that Mark’s only reason for not wanting her was her boyfriend,whom she has now broken up with believing this will clear the way for her and Mark to be together.

One fateful night, the four of them argue while drunk at a party the tension reaches breaking point. Evie hates confronts Janie for destroying the first honest and loving relationship of her life, causing Janie to bite back, accusing Evie of stealing her man whom she had sworn to never see. And Candice, believing Janie, begins yelling at Mark for destroying their friendships. Evie is the first to walk out telling them she has had enough of them all. Leaving Mark arguing with Candice. Just as he turns to leave, he stumbles and falls down a flight of stairs. Candice and Janie believing him to be dead. They realise the trouble they will get into, not just with the police but with Evie who will be heartbroken. Evie had recently been experimenting with drugs and had become a little unstable. Theypanic and decide to cover up his death by burying the body in nearby woods. Also, If they are at a party why don't people see him fall down the stairs?[/color]

Evie had recently been experimenting with drugs and had become a little unstable. So it is a relief to Candice and Janie that Evie believes he simply left her. Being unstable to begin with, combined with Marks leaving, Evie commits suicide. HOW?

Candice is distraught, blaming herself. Janie is secretly glad as now she doesn’t have to share Candice with Evie. Candice starts to question many of the events and is disturbed by Janie’s unremorseful attitude. After an argument between Candice and Janie at the funeral sends Candice into a bout of depression,and her parents make the decision to move away from the area.

Seventeen years later a new building development unearths Mark’s body and both Janie and Candice must deal with face their ghosts – they are reunited after not seeing each other since Evie’s funeral. Eventually the body is identified and they are both sought out by thepolice for questioning, Janie several times as the police seem to be suspicious of her. Athough there is no real evidence connecting them, Many people knew about the party and that witnessed the three girls had argued arguing with Mark on the last night anyone ever saw him alive.

Candice is torn between though wanting to talk to the only person who knows what happened and knew Evie, yet is still wary of Janie. They are both worried with how much the police know. Janie, true to form, manipulates Candice, playing on her guilt to ensure her own protection. starts trying to manipulate Candice again, arguing it is not fair she should be involved when all she did was help Candice cover up her mistake. Candice, moved overcome by guilt, remorse and fear, admits her involvement to the police, completely leaving out Janie’s part. Candice is arrested and Janie walks away clean.

Janie, looking back on that fatefulnight remember how it was not Candice who killed Mark. True, she had pushed accidentally knocked him down a flight of stairs causing him to hit his head and knocking him but he was merely unconscious. The two girls, due to the drink, had panicked and assumed him dead. And while Candice had gone home to pick up her car he had come around. and Janie, glad to see him alive throws herself at him. He pushes her away calling her a psychotic stalker and claimingVowing Evie is the only woman he loves. In fury at Enraged by this rejection, Janie kills him with a cricket bat to the back of his head. then covers up this new crime Allowing Candice to carry on believing she is responsible.

It sounds like it will be an interesting novel. I look forward to reading more.

Happy Inking
Rebecca

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by sarahdee » July 11th, 2010, 6:37 am

Thanks Rebecca, some useful comments.

In answer to the questions...they grow older together as in they are friends from 10-17 years - the book is set now looking back on their past (the first time they tried smoking, the first boyfriends etc) No-one sees at the party, as its late, most people have gone home and the few that are left are mostly passed out or close to. Plus they are upstairs (he falls from third to second floor)when the few people left are downstairs. Evie kills herself by slashing her wrists (I thought this seemed suitable for her over dramatic personality). Candice is generally 'normal', in comparison to the other two so there isn't really much to add about her. She is friends with them as her and Evie and vaguely related and Janie is pushed on them at primary school by being sat at their table.

All this is answered in full in the book but I'm wary of making this even longer, as is long for my liking too. Perhaps if I use some of your suggstions to cut the word count down.

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by J. T. SHEA » July 11th, 2010, 2:57 pm

Good rewrite of the last paragraph, Sarahdee! But I take it you mean to move it up to somewhere in paragraph four, rather than between paragraphs one and two?

RebeccaB's cuts streamline the synopsis and do not seem to remove anything very important.

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by sarahdee » July 17th, 2010, 10:32 pm

J. T. SHEA wrote:Good rewrite of the last paragraph, Sarahdee! But I take it you mean to move it up to somewhere in paragraph four, rather than between paragraphs one and two?

RebeccaB's cuts streamline the synopsis and do not seem to remove anything very important.
Oops, yes, I mean between 4 and 5!

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by thewhipslip » July 18th, 2010, 1:54 am

Synopses can run from 2-4 pages, if you wish - so I think 1.5 is fine.



Janie, Evie and Candice are three very different girls who meet in primary school and grow up together. Janie is a disturbed girl who fails to understand cause and effect on others and thinks only of herself. She is selfish, manipulative and blames the world for her problems. Evie also has many issues and troubles due to an abusive father and a depressed mother. She is sweet and kind to her friends but craves attention, especially from the many men in her life. Candice is the ‘glue’ that holds the friendship together with both Evie and Janie fighting for her attention. All of this is very much a tell. SHOW me how the girls are. The next paragraph starts to accomplish that.

Janie has stalked Mark, a friend of her brother’s, for years. He does not like her, seeing her as little more than his mate’s annoying little sister. At college, when Janie has a boyfriend and has just lost her father, Mark is briefly kind to her and they strike up a friendship of sorts. To him, it’s a casual friendship, to her it is his true feelings about her coming though. Around this time, Evie meets Mark in a pub and not recognising him at first, flirts with him. Janie finds out and is furious so Evie promises to stay away from him, despite Mark’s obvious interest in her and Janie having a boyfriend.

Several months later, Janie discovers that Evie and Mark has been secretly dating behind her back and using Candice as an unsuspecting messenger feeds Evie many lies which makes Evie doubt Mark’s love for her. Janie is an expert in manipulation and sets out on a campaign to break them up and win back the man she believes is rightfully hers Show us that she's an "expert" when the lies succeed. This kind of sentence can be cut.. Janie is convinced that Mark’s only reason for not wanting her was her boyfriend, whom she has now broken up with believing this will clear the way for her and Mark to be together.

One fateful night, the four of them argue while drunk at a party. Evie hates Janie for destroying the first honest and loving relationship of her life. Janie hates Evie for stealing her man whom she expressively forbade her to date. Candice, believing Janie, hates Mark for causing a rift in the friendship. Evie walks out telling them she has had enough of them all. Mark also makes to leave but after a fight with Candice falls down the stairs. Candice and Janie believe him to be dead. They realise the trouble they will get into, not just with the police but with Evie who will be heartbroken. Evie had recently been experimenting with drugs and had become a little unstable. They panic and decide to cover up his death by burying the body in nearby woods.

Evie believes, as they hoped, he left her and is devastated. He had been talking to her of moving to London and she thinks he just went without saying goodbye. His leaving her, combined with her melodramatic personality, makes her commit suicide.

Candice is distraught, blaming herself. Janie is secretly glad as now she doesn’t have to share Candice with Evie What is pulling her to Candice? You need to mention that jealousy earlier on.. Candice starts to question many of the events and is disturbed by Janie’s unremorseful attitude. An argument between them at Evie’s funeral sends Candice into a bout of depression and her parents make the decision to move away from the area.

Seventeen years later a new building development unearths Mark’s body and both Janie and Candice must deal with their ghosts – they are reunited after not seeing each other since Evie’s funeral. Eventually the body is identified and they are both sought out by the police for questioning, Janie several times as the police seem to be suspicious of her. Although there is no real evidence connecting them, many people knew about the party and that the three girls had argued with Mark on the last night anyone ever saw him alive.

Candice is torn between wanting to talk to the only person who knows what happened and knew Evie, yet still wary of Janie. They are both worried with how much the police know. Janie starts trying to manipulate Candice again, arguing it is not fair she should be involved when all she did was help Candice cover up her mistake. Candice, moved by guilt, remorse and fear, admits her involvement to the police, leaving out Janie’s part. Candice is arrested and Janie walks away.

On that fateful night it was not Candice who killed Mark. She had pushed him down a flight of stairs causing him to hit his head and knocking him unconscious. The two girls, due to the drink, had panicked and assumed him dead. While Candice had gone home to pick up her car, he came around and Janie, glad to see him alive throws herself at him. He pushes her away calling her a psychotic stalker and claiming Evie is the only woman he loves. In fury at this rejection, Janie kills him with a cricket bat to the back of his head then covers up this new crime allowing Candice to carry on believing she is responsible.[/quote]


I'm unclear on a few things:

1) Who's POV is this?
2) How long is the flashback - half of the novel?
3) How the murder is going to be revealed. In a court-room? Through Janie's memories? This kind of reads like a query. A synopsis is supposed to reveal all, event by event. I'm not getting a clear sense of how the novel unfolds. I think clearing up POV will help that.
4) What happens in the end. How is all of this resolved? As I said, synopses reveal all. They are a tool for the agent to determine whether or not you've told a good story. Don't hold anything back.
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

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Re: SYNOPSIS - Don't come to the House Tonight

Post by sarahdee » July 19th, 2010, 2:18 am

thewhipslip wrote:

I'm unclear on a few things:

1) Who's POV is this? Janie's
2) How long is the flashback - half of the novel? No, about one quarter to a third. Chapters alternate so one in present, one in past but the present ones are usually much longer in length - past ones might just be 1-2 pages
3) How the murder is going to be revealed. In a court-room? Through Janie's memories? This kind of reads like a query. A synopsis is supposed to reveal all, event by event. I'm not getting a clear sense of how the novel unfolds. I think clearing up POV will help that. Janie, in an epilogue at the end, describes what really happened THAT night
4) What happens in the end. How is all of this resolved? As I said, synopses reveal all. They are a tool for the agent to determine whether or not you've told a good story. Don't hold anything back. There is no resolve - she gets away with it. Candice goes forward to the police and is arrested, eventually charged with manslaughter, then we find out Janie did it.
Thanks for the feedback, I shall see if I can make this all clearer in the synopsis.

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