Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I know I'm taking a risk here, but the story is told in the first person, so it just seemed natural to me.




I'm Alamandine "Mandi" Croach - regular Philadelphia girl. I love the Italian Market, shopping on Chestnut Street and walking through Rittenhouse Park. I own a successful jewelry store. I am well educated, have a nice apartment, and great dog. Oh, I'm half-faery as well, but that didn't mean a thing to me until the night my whole world fell apart.

My aunt Merelda has been hiding some things for me. The biggest being that my mom isn't dead. Seems she was called back to Faelyn to be queen when I was three. She is re-married now, with a son, and the only reason I'm finding out about it is because the prince has been kidnapped and the king wants to see if I could have done it. Why would I kidnap a little brother I knew nothing about, you ask? Well, that would be the second thing I didn't know. Turns out, as the eldest daughter, I am in line for the throne. Of course, there are lots of faeries that don't want a half-breed queen, and they have put forward that female line succession is foolish and that the prince should be King. Their absolutely reasonable conclusion? I'm taking out my competition for the throne. Only one problem; I don't have any powers.

After I am rudely dismissed by the king and completely ignored by my mom, I think I'm done with faeries. I don’t even think I will go back for my Season of Choosing ceremony, whatever that is. In fact, when a high ranking member of the Court asks for a favor, I say no. I don't play fetch for anyone. My mistake was taking the map. Seems that if you have a map to the Dragon's Gate, even a stroll through Center City will get you there. Dragons don't play fair, though. He gives me the dagger that the faery wants, but tells me only I can use it. While he's at it he removes two spells- one Merelda cast on me that scatters my magical ability and one that has distorted the memory of my father's death.

My prime suspect is my aunt Morgan, the princess who would have been queen if my mother hadn’t returned. She had hoped to come to the human realm and raise me. Molding me to be a puppet to her will when my time on the throne came.Turns out Merelda took the job to protect me from Morgan, and the spell to keep me from my power? She was hoping they would forget about me. Now with the arguments over who is next in line for the throne- Morgan still sees a shot at the glory. All she would have to do is discredit me as a half breed and get the prince out of the way.

Sure that there is a connection between the murder and my brother’s kidnapping; I go looking for the kid. Using the knowledge that the dragon gave me about the attunement of objects and my unique and growing magic, I find him guarded by the very naiad that I watched drown my father when I was nine. I kill her, but not before she raves at me about the power that her master wields.

Whoever the master is, he or she is definitely using faery magic and I don’t trust any of them. Two long days pass between saving the boy and my Season of Choosing ceremony and during that time we end up fighting for our lives on a roller coaster in Hershey Park and dealing with the prince’s mental breakdown when the memory spell that made him so easy to kidnap clashes with the facts.

In the end, return him to my mother and try to warn them about the greater threat that this master poses. I think that my role in Faelyn is over- but it has just begun. It seems that I have proven myself worthy of the throne and all of the political crap that goes with it. That will be my next big adventure.

LSimon wrote:I'm Alamandine "Mandi" Croach - regular Philadelphia girl. I love the Italian Market, shopping on Chestnut Street and walking through Rittenhouse Park. I own a successful jewelry store. I am well educated, have a nice apartment, and great dog. Oh, I'm half-faery as well, but that didn't mean a thing to me until the night my whole world fell apart.

I really like this beginning - quite interesting, and I like her voice. It's very personal and real.

My aunt Merelda has been hiding some things for me. The biggest being that my mom isn't dead. Seems she was called back to Faelyn to be queen when I was three. She is re-married now, with a son, and the only reason I'm finding out about it is because the prince has been kidnapped and the king wants to see if I could have done it. Why would I kidnap a little brother I knew nothing about, you ask? Well, that would be the second thing I didn't know. Turns out, as the eldest daughter, I am in line for the throne. Of course, there are lots of faeries that don't want a half-breed queen, and they have put forward that female line succession is foolish and that the prince should be King. Their absolutely reasonable conclusion? I'm taking out my competition for the throne. Only one problem; I don't have any powers.

You're jumping around a little, from what the faeries think about succession to why that means she kidnapped her brother. "Their absolutely reasonable conclusion?" seems to come out of nowhere...I see your train of thought but it's got a little kink in it.

After I am rudely dismissed by the king and completely ignored by my mom, I think I'm done with faeries. I don’t even think I will go back for my Season of Choosing ceremony, whatever that is. In fact, when a high ranking member of the Court asks for a favor, I say no. I don't play fetch for anyone. My mistake was taking the map. Map? What map? Who gave her a map? Seems that if you have a map to the Dragon's Gate, even a stroll through Center City will get you there. Dragons don't play fair, though. He gives me the dagger that the faery wants, but tells me only I can use it. You might want to say that the faery wants that earlier - when you first mention the favor - otherwise you start wondering where the dagger comes from.While he's at it he removes two spells- one Merelda cast on me that scatters my magical ability and one that has distorted the memory of my father's death.

The following jumps back to the mystery, but it doesn't do it smoothly. We're talking about daggers and dragons and all of a sudden there's "My prime suspect..." It just jolts you back to the beginning too quickly. Maybe mention something about with her new memories or knowledge or just introduce it by saying "Back to my missing brother..."

My prime suspect is my aunt Morgan, I thought Meralda was her aunt...or is this another aunt? You need to specify that. I had to go back to the beginning and double-check on who's who. the princess who would have been queen if my mother hadn’t returned. She had hoped to come to the human realm and raise me. Molding me to be a puppet to her will when my time on the throne came.Turns out Merelda took the job to protect me from Morgan, and the spell to keep me from my power? She was hoping they would forget about me. Now with the arguments over who is next in line for the throne- Morgan still sees a shot at the glory. All she would have to do is discredit me as a half breed and get the prince out of the way.

Sure that there is a connection between the murder Murder? Is that her father's death? I don't think you mentioned murder before now.and my brother’s kidnapping; I go looking for the kid. Using the knowledge that the dragon gave me about the attunement of objects and my unique and growing magic, I find him guarded by the very naiad that I watched drown my father when I was nine. I kill her, but not before she raves at me about the power that her master wields.

Whoever the master is, he or she is definitely using faery magic and I don’t trust any of them. Two long days pass between saving the boy and my Season of Choosing ceremony and during that time we end up fighting for our lives on a roller coaster in Hershey Park and dealing with the prince’s mental breakdown when the memory spell that made him so easy to kidnap clashes with the facts.

In the end, return him to my mother and try to warn them about the greater threat that this master poses. I think that my role in Faelyn is over- but it has just begun. It seems that I have proven myself worthy of the throne and all of the political crap that goes with it. That will be my next big adventure.

I think your risk of writing the synopsis in first person is very successful. It reads very well and I got a good feel of what reading the book would be like. I really like Mandi's voice.

Aside from the points where I got hung up (which I noted in the text), all I have to say is that the climax - saving her brother, killing the naiad, and the fight for their lives on the roller coaster (which is very intriguing) seems to just fly past, especially after the descriptive narrative we've had up to this point. I want a little more...this is the most important part of the book and it feels like it's being treated almost like an afterthought.

Also, you have several double-spaces throughout the text. Just a quick check through will solve that problem.

Overall, I think this sounds like a great book! I'm really interested in the characters and think it would be a great read. Good luck!

LSimon wrote:I'm Alamandine "Mandi" Croach - regular Philadelphia girl. I love the Italian Market, shopping on Chestnut Street and walking through Rittenhouse Park. I own a successful jewelry store. I am well educated, have a nice apartment, and great dog. Oh, I'm half-faery as well, but that didn't mean a thing to me until the night my whole world fell apart.

"Regular girl" and "whole world fell apart" are cliches. In one form or another they are used in umpteen queries (and presumably synopses).

Also, after starting with some nice specifics (Italian Market, Chestnut street), you suddenly go general with "successful jewelry store" and "well educated". How about "college educated" or "Princeton educated" or something. And as for her business, it seems like an afterthought, coming after shopping and walking, when in fact starting a business is darn hard work and very time consuming, and if it has become successful, this would be a big deal, I would think, in her life.

My aunt Merelda has been hiding some things for me.

Don't you mean "from me"?

The biggest being that my mom isn't dead. Seems she was called back to Faelyn to be queen when I was three.

And didn't bring her daughter?? Why not?

She is re-married now, with a son, and the only reason I'm finding out about it is because the prince has been kidnapped and the king wants to see if I could have done it.

Too much info for one sentence.

Why would I kidnap a little brother I knew nothing about, you ask?

Rhetorical questions are better left out of a synopsis. Let the synopsis tell and not ask.

Well, that would be the second thing I didn't know. Turns out, as the eldest daughter, I am in line for the throne. Of course, there are lots of faeries that don't want a half-breed queen, and they have put forward that female line succession is foolish and that the prince should be King. Their absolutely reasonable conclusion? I'm taking out my competition for the throne. Only one problem; I don't have any powers.

Confusing. First a question of the reader (not advisable). Then a term ("taking out") more suited to a Phillie mobster than a fairy, seemingly). I didn't get what you were saying, at first.

After I am rudely dismissed by the king and completely ignored by my mom, I think I'm done with faeries. I don’t even think I will go back for my Season of Choosing ceremony, whatever that is. In fact, when a high ranking member of the Court asks for a favor, I say no.

Here again, specifics would be stronger, "when the Earl of Daisy Hill asks me if I might water his pansies, I say no", something like that.

I don't play fetch for anyone. My mistake was taking the map. Seems that if you have a map to the Dragon's Gate, even a stroll through Center City will get you there.

This isn't clear. One strolls and is suddenly there?

Dragons don't play fair, though. He gives me the dagger that the faery wants, but tells me only I can use it. While he's at it he removes two spells- one Merelda cast on me that scatters my magical ability and one that has distorted the memory of my father's death.

Also not clear. "Dragons don't play fair. He gives me..." Who gives you? A dragon? You go from plural to singular. You go from a group to an individual. Usually dragons don't given stuff, so I'm not sure what is going on here. Then the dragon tells, and removes spells?

Also, maybe say "Aunt Merelda". I had to go back and look for this Merelda to remember who she is.

My prime suspect is my aunt Morgan, the princess who would have been queen if my mother hadn’t returned.

Omit "the princess" as not needed.

Two aunts? I confess, I'm confused.

She had hoped to come to the human realm and raise me. Molding me to be a puppet to her will when my time on the throne came.

"Molding me" is the wrong tense to reflect "she had hoped to come and raise me".

Turns out Merelda took the job to protect me from Morgan, and the spell to keep me from my power?

Why the question mark? Are you asking me this?

She was hoping they would forget about me.

Who was hoping? Who would forget? What do you mean, forget? I must be slow, but I'd like this sentence to explain more. I'm not up to speed here.

Now with the arguments over who is next in line for the throne- Morgan still sees a shot at the glory.

Replace dash with comma.

Find a clearer way of saying "sees a shot at the glory."

All she would have to do is discredit me as a half breed and get the prince out of the way.

Sure that there is a connection between the murder and my brother’s kidnapping; I go looking for the kid.

Unsure of what you mean here. The connection between the murder and the kidnapping is the fact that you look for the kid? How so?

Using the knowledge that the dragon gave me about the attunement of objects and my unique and growing magic, I find him guarded by the very naiad that I watched drown my father when I was nine. I kill her, but not before she raves at me about the power that her master wields.

Whoever the master is, he or she is definitely using faery magic and I don’t trust any of them. Two long days pass between saving the boy and my Season of Choosing ceremony and during that time we end up fighting for our lives on a roller coaster in Hershey Park and dealing with the prince’s mental breakdown when the memory spell that made him so easy to kidnap clashes with the facts.

In the end, return him to my mother

Missing word between "end" and "return"?

and try to warn them about the greater threat that this master poses. I think that my role in Faelyn is over- but it has just begun. It seems that I have proven myself worthy of the throne and all of the political crap that goes with it. That will be my next big adventure.

Replace dash after "over" with comma. Or possibly em dash.

I like the story and the voice. Good luck with your first person present tense synopsis.

I'm Alamandine "Mandi" Croach - regular Philadelphia girl. I love the Italian Market, shopping on Chestnut Street and walking through Rittenhouse Park. I own a successful jewelry store. I am well educated, have a nice apartment, and great dog. Oh, I'm half-faery as well, but that didn't mean a thing to me until faery politics charged in and screwed up my life.

My aunt Merelda has been hiding some things from me. The biggest being that my mom isn't dead. Seems she was called back to Faelyn to be queen when I was three. She is re-married now, with a son. The only reason I'm finding out about it is because the prince has been kidnapped and the king wants to see if I could have done it. Why would I kidnap a little brother I knew nothing about? Well, that would be the second thing I didn't know. Turns out, as the eldest daughter, I am in line for the throne. Of course, there are lots of faeries that don't want a half-breed queen. They have put forward that female line succession is foolish and that the prince should be King. Their absolutely reasonable conclusion-I'm taking out my competition for the throne. Only one problem; I don't have any powers.

After I am rudely dismissed by the king and completely ignored by my mom, I think I'm done with faeries. I don’t even think I will go back for my Season of Choosing ceremony, whatever that is. In fact, when Schorl, the royal second, hands me a map and asks me to go get something for him, I say no. I don't play fetch for anyone, especially when he won't even tell me what I'm supposed to . My mistake was taking the map from him. Seems that if you have a map to the Dragon's Gate, even a stroll through Center City will get you there. The dragon doesn't play fair, though. He gives me the dagger that the faery wants, but tells me only I can use it. While he's at it he removes two spells- one Merelda cast on me that scatters my magical ability and one that has distorted the memory of my father's death.

Someone has worked hard to get the prince and I out of the way and my prime suspect is my aunt Morgan. She would have been queen if my mother hadn’t returned and when that didn't work out she plotted to come to the human realm and raise me.When my father died- excuse me- was murdered, she volunteered to come to the human realm and raise me. She had hoped to mold me to be a puppet to her will when my time on the throne came, but Merelda saw her aim and took the job instead. She has plenty of motivation to want the both of us out of the way.

Sure that there is a connection between the murder and my brother’s kidnapping; I go looking for the kid. Using the knowledge that the dragon gave me about the attunement of objects and my own unique and growing magic, I find him. Deep in a cave, hidden underground where Star Court magic is weak and useless, guarded by the very naiad that I watched drown my father when I was nine. I fight her, and she very nearly kills me.When she tries to turn my chest into a nifty sheath for my new dagger, I find out what the dragon meant by 'it can only be used by me'. She buries the knife in her own thigh, but not before she raves about her master and the big plans the two of them have.

Whoever the master is, he or she is definitely using faery magic and I don’t trust any of them. Two long days pass between saving the boy and my Season of Choosing ceremony and during that time we end up fighting for our lives on a roller coaster in Hershey Park and dealing with the prince’s mental breakdown when the memory spell that made him so easy to kidnap clashes with the facts.

In the end, I return him to my mother and try to warn them about the greater threat that this master poses. I think that my role in Faelyn is over, but it has just begun. It seems that I have proven myself worthy of the throne and all of the political crap that goes with it. That will be my next big adventure.

I think the first person voice works well.

LSimon wrote:but not before she raves about her master

To me, "raves" just doesn't seem to work here. I honestly can't come up with anything better though so I'm not sure.

LSimon wrote:I'm Alamandine "Mandi" Croach - regular Philadelphia girl. I love the Italian Market, shopping on Chestnut Street and walking through Rittenhouse Park. I own a successful jewelry store. I am well educated, have a nice apartment, and great dog. Oh, I'm half-faery as well, but that didn't mean a thing to me until the night my whole world fell apart.

Good, but I still don't think it is realistic to start with shopping and walking and then say, by the way I own a jewelry store. Maybe if you said she inherited it. But building a business is tough and would seem to figure into her life more prominently. Maybe you aren't going for realism, but believability is still an issue. Also, I've never heard anyone say, "I am well educated." Not even sure what it means.

My aunt Merelda has been hiding some things for me. The biggest being that my mom isn't dead. Seems she was called back to Faelyn to be queen when I was three. She is re-married now, with a son, and the only reason I'm finding out about it is because the prince has been kidnapped and the king wants to see if I could have done it. Why would I kidnap a little brother I knew nothing about, you ask? Well, that would be the second thing I didn't know. Turns out, as the eldest daughter, I am in line for the throne.

You can omit ", you ask? Well, that would be the second thing I didn't know" without sacrificing clarity or voice. Otherwise, good.

Of course, there are lots of faeries that don't want a half-breed queen, and they have put forward that female line succession is foolish and that the prince should be King. Their absolutely reasonable conclusion? I'm taking out my competition for the throne. Only one problem; I don't have any powers.

"Only one problem" has become a cliche. How about "But I don't have any powers".

After I am rudely dismissed by the king and completely ignored by my mom, I think I'm done with faeries. I don’t even think I will go back for my Season of Choosing ceremony, whatever that is.

You skipped over going to Faelyn. Where is it, and how does she get there?

In fact, when a high ranking member of the Court asks for a favor, I say no. I don't play fetch for anyone. My mistake was taking the map. Seems that if you have a map to the Dragon's Gate, even a stroll through Center City will get you there.

Why does she take the map? Up to now she seems to not want to be involved in that life at all. Was it just a whim?

Dragons don't play fair, though. He gives me the dagger that the faery wants, but tells me only I can use it. While he's at it he removes two spells

While he's at what? Awkward phrase. Also, maybe could use a bit more about this dragon. Usually aren't they gnarly fearsome predators. This sounds more like a magician or wizard.

- one Merelda cast on me that scatters my magical ability and one that has distorted the memory of my father's death.

My prime suspect is my aunt Morgan, the princess who would have been queen if my mother hadn’t returned. She had hoped to come to the human realm and raise me. Molding me to be a puppet to her

How about "Molding me to be her puppet" to simplify the wording.

will when my time on the throne came.Turns out Merelda took the job to protect me from Morgan, and the spell to keep me from my power?

Not sure what the question mark is for.

She was hoping they would forget about me. Now with the arguments over who is next in line for the throne- Morgan still sees a shot at the glory.

Not sure what the dash is for. Seems a comma would work better.

All she would have to do is discredit me as a half breed and get the prince out of the way.

Sure that there is a connection between the murder and my brother’s kidnapping; I go looking for the kid.

Replace semi-colon with comma.

Using the knowledge that the dragon gave me about the attunement of objects and my unique and growing magic, I find him guarded by the very naiad that I watched drown my father when I was nine.

No idea what a naiad is. Will every agent? How about saying "naiad, a goat-person" or whatever, to clarify.

I kill her, but not before she raves at me about the power that her master wields.

Moving a little fast here. Took me a minute to figure out that the "her" is the naiad.

Whoever the master is, he or she is definitely using faery magic and I don’t trust any of them. Two long days pass between saving the boy and my Season of Choosing ceremony and during that time we end up fighting for our lives on a roller coaster in Hershey Park and dealing with the prince’s mental breakdown when the memory spell that made him so easy to kidnap clashes with the facts.

Any way to break up that roller coaster of a long sentence? I think it would help.

In the end, return him to my mother and try to warn them about the greater threat that this master poses. I think that my role in Faelyn is over- but it has just begun. It seems that I have proven myself worthy of the throne and all of the political crap that goes with it. That will be my next big adventure.

In general, well-summarized. A bit more clarity, and maybe slowed down in places, could improve it further.