Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hello everyone I am having a bit of trouble writing a synopsis for my mystery novel I am working. I have posted it below. Thanks in Advance Brian.

Walking in a Killer’s wonderland is a story about a detective named Will Atoms which takes place during the Christmas Holidays. Atoms starts off as the head investigator in a homicide case where the killers were dressed like Santa and Mrs. Claus. Each crime scene is different from the last and there is always a gift box left for Atoms at almost every crime scene. Along the way of the investigation, Atoms gets taken off the case due to him being close to the victims. What Atoms doesn’t know is that one of the killers is his older brother who he had no idea even existed. His brother’s name is Michael and is accompanied by a young woman named Lindsey. Together, Michael and Lindsey wreak havoc in Bradenton and Sarasota Florida. The crimes get more gruesome as the story progress. Time is running out as Christmas draws near.

Just a few thoughts occur to me at the moment, Brian.

Capitalize the 'W' in 'Wonderland'.

“Each crime scene is different from the last and there is always a gift box left for Atoms at almost every crime scene.” I would omit the word 'always' as it conflicts with the phrase 'almost every' and isn't necessary.

While this is a mystery novel, a little more detail might increase interest. For example, the last sentence seems to imply a bigger murder or something on Christmas Day. More hints about that could help.

Last but not least, how would you describe the 'bit of trouble' you're having? What bothers you about your synopsis?

As usual, I do hope other readers will feel free to comment.

I am having trouble making it long enough to send to an agent if I need to