Query: Crossing Fate (Contemporary YA)

[EvelynEhrlich]

Hi all,
I'd love feedback on my query letter if you have time. Thanks in advance!

Dear [Agent]:

Helene Jacobsen has never believed in fairy tales. But when the plucky seventeen-year old meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling Russian prince, that’s exactly what she gets – an upside-down version of a fairy tale, anyway. As if high school wasn't complicated enough! Now, on top of dodging her doting ex and helping her best friend find a prom date, Helene has to figure out how dating a guy from the nineteenth century actually works. And when Leo’s deadly past resurfaces in the present, Helene discovers she's the only one who can save her soul mate’s life. No one said love across centuries would be easy.

CROSSING FATE is a 55,000-word, young adult romance in a contemporary setting. It is a stand-alone novel, but if successful, I hope it will become the first book in THE BIRCH TREE TRILOGY.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit about Agent.]

I have a degree in Russian literature and history. I am a member of SCBWI, and CROSSING FATE is my first book. For more information about me, please feel free to visit my website at [_____.com].

I sincerely hope that you will consider representing CROSSING FATE. [I have included five sample pages below, and] I would love to submit additional materials to you.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[Mary]

Hi all,
I'd love feedback on my query letter if you have time. Thanks in advance!

Dear [Agent]:

Helene Jacobsen has never believed in fairy tales. But when the plucky seventeen-year old meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling Russian prince, that’s exactly what she gets – an upside-down version of a fairy tale, anyway. "upside-down" fairy tale isn't clear.As if high school wasn't complicated enough! What is making high school complicated for her?Now, on top of dodging her doting ex and helping her best friend find a prom date, Helene has to figure out how dating a guy from the nineteenth century actually works. And when Leo’s deadly past resurfaces in the present, Helene discovers she's the only one who can save her soul mate’s life. Why is she the only one?No one said love across centuries would be easy.

CROSSING FATE is a 55,000-word, young adult romance in a contemporary setting. It is a stand-alone novel, but if successful, I hope it will become the first book in THE BIRCH TREE TRILOGY.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit about Agent.] This might work better at the beginning to catch the agent's attention.

I have a degree in Russian literature and history. I am a member of SCBWI, and CROSSING FATE is my first book. For more information about me, please feel free to visit my website at [_____.com].

I sincerely hope that you will consider representing CROSSING FATE. [I have included five sample pages below, and] I would love to submit additional materials to you.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I hope this helps. Good luck with landing an agent!

[Kniki]

I was hooked by the query and it would definitely make me want to see some pages and synopsis! I must respectfully disagree with Mary about one point; I was just looking at "Query Shark" and she specifically said to start with the story, as you have done, and leave the part about why you queried that particular agent until later, so I would leave that as you had it to begin with.

I agree though that I found the part about the "upside down" fairy tale quite confusing. I didn't really get what it meant, unless it's because she has to rescue the prince instead of the other way around?

Love the sound of your book!

[Erica75]

I have heard that your book needs to be the focus of the query, and, although only an opinion, I think you can afford a second paragraph about your plot. For example, why would Leo choose to come to a 21st century American high-school if he could go anywhere he wanted? Why does Helene think he's her soul-mate? What dastardly past is Leo covering up, since from your first few lines, he seems perfect? And as stated, your sentence about Helene finding herself "exactly" in a fairy tale, then following up with "upside-down" fairy tale is confusing. I have a feeling you know exactly what it means, but, unfortunately, no one else does.

That being said, I do have my own issues with the show-don't-tell rule. These are just some questions I know I would ask if I read your query. If you don't want to add a paragraph, maybe another sentence or two would draw a reader in. Good start, though!

[corriegarrett]

I agree that this is an interesting hook, but also that you could add more to your plot synopsis. Also, be careful of cliches without any explanation or personalization. For instance, complicated high school, doting ex-boyfriend, or being 'the one' for some unspecified reason. All of these things can totally work, just make sure we know why they're important and how your creativity has influenced the stereotypes. Anyway, sounds good, I hope we get to read more about Helene and Leo someday.

[EvelynEhrlich]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for the feedback. It's very helpful. To answer the question about the "upside down" fairy tale, it's what Kniki guessed - she ends up rescuing the prince instead.

Erica75 - I struggle with balancing show-not-tell with more plot synopsis as well. It really is hard to know when to stop. I'll need to tinker with this a bit...

corriegarrett - good point on the cliches. I'll add in more detail so they don't seem like simply stereotypes.

I'll start working on the revised query now.

Thank you!
Evelyn

[Erica75]

Evelyn - I just popped over to the thread on critique partners and saw your name on it. Are you still looking? My ms is complete (well, until I edit again, of course) at just over 59,000 words - contemporary YA with a little science thrown in. I'm new to this forum, but lurk and participate on several others. Let me know if you have any interest - I'm a fast reader, but work during the day and have a family, so chapter-by-chapter to start would be fine with me and we could go from there. In the interest of full discosure, like most here, I am not published, only hopeful (and ready to query, but all feedback is great!)!
Erica

[Mary]

I was hooked by the query and it would definitely make me want to see some pages and synopsis! I must respectfully disagree with Mary about one point; I was just looking at "Query Shark" and she specifically said to start with the story, as you have done, and leave the part about why you queried that particular agent until later, so I would leave that as you had it to begin with.

I agree though that I found the part about the "upside down" fairy tale quite confusing. I didn't really get what it meant, unless it's because she has to rescue the prince instead of the other way around?

Love the sound of your book!

Respectfully, I must clarify my point. In Noah Lukeman's query advice, he recommends opening your letter with a statement directed to that individual agent. That said, there is an abundance of conflicting advice on the web, but each individual author must make their own judgement calls.

[EvelynEhrlich]

Erica75 - Yes, I'd love to exchange some chapters! I just shot you a PM with my contact info.

[jessicatudor]

Hi all,
I'd love feedback on my query letter if you have time. Thanks in advance!

Dear [Agent]:

Helene Jacobsen has never believed in fairy tales. But when the plucky seventeen-year old meets Leo Andreyev, a time-traveling Russian prince, that’s exactly what she gets – an upside-down version of a fairy tale, anyway. As if high school wasn't complicated enough! Now, on top of dodging her doting ex and helping her best friend find a prom date, Helene has to figure out how dating a guy from the nineteenth century actually works. And when Leo’s deadly past resurfaces in the present, Helene discovers she's the only one who can save her soul mate’s life. No one said love across centuries would be easy.

This could definitely be expanded. Also, am I the only one who really really loved that Meg Ryan/Hugh Jackman vehicle, Kate and Leopold? Because that's what I'm reminded of, especially given the dude's name. This seems kinda like a YA version with so little to go on. I'd want, specifically, to know more about how Leo's past resurfaces, how it's deadly, and about the time-travel element, if it's a major point or just the device that gets Leo here.

Also, I cringed at the words 'soul mate'. It just seems kind of over-the-top for YA, and I think of Twilight and The One and am squicked out because they were obsessive and it disturbed me that this is what young girls find romantic. Ah, word connotations.

CROSSING FATE is a 55,000-word, young adult romance in a contemporary setting. It is a stand-alone novel, but if successful, I hope it will become the first book in THE BIRCH TREE TRILOGY.

I chose to submit to you because [personal bit about Agent.]

I have a degree in Russian literature and history. I am a member of SCBWI, and CROSSING FATE is my first book. For more information about me, please feel free to visit my website at [_____.com].

I sincerely hope that you will consider representing CROSSING FATE. [I have included five sample pages below, and] I would love to submit additional materials to you.

I know I'm probably the only one, but when I see things like "I sincerely hope you will consider" I'm a bit turned off because this is a business letter. Don't get gushy and purple-prosed on me. Also, of course you'd love to send additional materials and want them to rep you. You wouldn't be querying them otherwise. It just seems obvious. Also, you then repeat thank you for your consideration below, which is redundant. I'm always a fan of the straight-forward, "thank you for your time, and I'd be happy to send the rest of the manuscript upon your request." And even that last is obvious and if you say the book is complete, goes without saying. I know that's probably just me, though.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.