QUERY: Black Hole Son (2nd draft)

[theWallflower]

I am querying because of {REASON}. I think Black Hole Son would be a good match for your interests.

Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, unbidden visions flash through his head--he has the ability to read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money. When he loses his patience in a hospital, objects around him catch on fire--he can set things on fire with his mind.

Neither knows the other exists. Now they must each strike out on their own in a cold mega-city ruled by a designer pharmaceutical company. Remy puts himself at risk to save a battered woman, then joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy.

Meanwhile, a gang of punks mug Ash. With a thirst for justice, he joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. But the leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully whose do-nothing policies motivate Ash to start using his powers to stop crime his own way.

Throughout their individual, but parallel journeys, they must find why they have these powers, and the reason for their instincts to protect and defend people. That is, until they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves.

BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word cyberpunk novel that blends dark humor and social commentary. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Sorcerous Signals", and "The Dunesteef".

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

[Brendanjparedes]

I am querying because of {REASON}. I think Black Hole Son would be a good match for your interests.

Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, unbidden visions flash through his head--he has the ability to read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money. When he loses his patience in a hospital, objects around him catch on fire--he can set things on fire with his mind.

Neither knows the other exists. Now they must each strike out on their own in a cold mega-city ruled by a designer pharmaceutical company. Remy puts himself at risk to save a battered woman, then joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy.

Meanwhile, a gang of punks mug Ash. With a thirst for justice, he joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. But the leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully whose do-nothing policies motivate Ash to start using his powers to stop crime his own way.

Throughout their individual, but parallel journeys, they must find why they have these powers, and the reason for their instincts to protect and defend people. That is, until they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves.

BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word cyberpunk novel set in the near future. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Sorcerous Signals", and "The Dunesteef".

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

I have a tendency to be a little blunt, so forgive me for it, right off the bat. The summary in the query is a bit disjointed. You really need, in my opinion, some continuity here. First two short paragraphs are interesting, sets some parallels, but then i think you lose focus a little. Also, there are some word choice issues; designer pharmacuetical sounds like they are designing pets instead of exterting some kind of insidious control. Mega City gets used a lot too. It's a very generic phrase. The whole mugging paragraph is really out of phase with the rest of the query summary. First question I asked when I hit it is "What does this have to do with anything?" This is just my opinion, of course, but query summaries have always been more to me about setting the hook. Think Movie Trailer rather than an actual summary. Most of the "How To" articles I've looked at coupled with looking over book descriptions to try to find the right formula all seem to go down that road.

Best trick I can suggest is something i picked up at a Screenwriting Seminar years ago. First, describe the story in one sentence. Then in three, then in nine. Be a little more specific and big up front, and then allude to outcomes in the plot towards the end. Remember your query is a first pitch of your story.

That's just my opinion. Good luck!

[theWallflower]

Best trick I can suggest is something i picked up at a Screenwriting Seminar years ago. First, describe the story in one sentence. Then in three, then in nine. Be a little more specific and big up front, and then allude to outcomes in the plot towards the end. Remember your query is a first pitch of your story.

Is that meant to imply one of the three sentences is the same as you created in the "one-sentence" description? Or should no sentence replicate a sentence in the prior description? Or does it matter?

[Brendanjparedes]

When it was taught to me it was referred to more as an exercise in building off the idea as part of a pitch. So, the One sentence description is that strong one line description. Three sentences takes the idea of the One sentence, replacing it, till you write a paragraph or two that captures your story's essence. So, in answer to your question, no. One of the three is not the original sentence. Think of it this way; describe Star Wars completely in one sentence. You have just one sentence to sell the idea. Now, try to sell the story in three sentences. If the first sentence is a great sentence, sure, use it, but the exercise is more about building that short summary step by step till you find just the right length and phrasing to capture your story as a whole.

One approach for the three sentences might be, First, the protagonist and problem, Second, the kicker or big hurdle, little vaguer than the first sentence, and Third, a vague allusion to the ultimate challenge the protagonist might face in resolving it. Personally, I usually break this into my basic Three Act Story: Introduce your characters and story in broad strokes, then the conflict which generally screws things up for them, then the climatic conclusion where their struggles culminate and tie the story together. Lucas I believe described his Star Wars trilogy in this fashion, with New Hope being the introduction of the heroes and the basic conflict of the story, Empire being when it all comes crashing apart, and Jedi being the climatic conclusion where the heroes step up. There are your three sentences. Start specific, suggest at the great calamity, allude to the climatic end, so that you are leaving the reader hungry to find out more. It's about enticing the gatekeepers and Agents to want more to read. Tricky to get right, and I'm by no means an expert, but usually when i'm trying to sell someone on an idea that's the most successful road for me to take. It also makes it easier to build off of, so as a writing tool when I'm trying to figure out a storyline I'll use a similar approach and then build off it.

But, the important thing is that it's an approach designed to pitch the story rather than tell it. Hope this helps.

[wilderness]

Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, unbidden visions flash through his head--he has the ability to read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money. When he loses his patience in a hospital, objects around him catch on fire--he can set things on fire with his mind.

I like the two parallel sentences. Nice setup.

Neither knows the other exists. Now they must each strike out on their own in a cold mega-city ruled by a designer pharmaceutical company. Remy puts himself at risk to save a battered woman, then joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy.

Meanwhile, a gang of punks mug Ash. With a thirst for justice, he joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. But the leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully whose do-nothing policies motivate Ash to start using his powers to stop crime his own way.

The description of what Remy gets into is short compared to Ash. You don't explain how saving a battered woman leads to joining the black market pharmacy or give any clue into how the designer pharmaceautical company is related to the story.

Throughout their individual, but parallel journeys, they must find why they have these powers, and the reason for their instincts to protect and defend people. That is, until they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves.

The description of the theme sounds good to me.

Overall, I would want to keep reading, but I do think the middle section could be cleaned up a bit. Good luck!

[jessicatudor]

The writing is good but the action is disjointed.

I am querying because of {REASON}. I think Black Hole Son would be a good match for your interests.

Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, unbidden visions flash through his head--he has the ability to read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there, but he has some pills, some money. When he loses his patience in a hospital, objects around him catch on fire--he can set things on fire with his mind.

The parallel paras don't work for me. I was all prepared to invest in Remy and you gave me Ash.

Neither knows the other exists. Now they must each strike out on their own in a cold mega-city ruled by a designer pharmaceutical company. Remy puts himself at risk to save a battered woman, then joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy.

Although I wonder how a pharma company can rule a city, this paragraph works well enough.

Meanwhile, a gang of punks mug Ash. With a thirst for justice, he joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. But the leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully whose do-nothing policies motivate Ash to start using his powers to stop crime his own way.

But this one doesn't. The leader of a neighborhood patrol group having a do-nothing policy makes no sense to me. Does the watchdog group stand around and twiddle their thumbs? Why would Ash team up with a bully if he wants vengeance on other punks? Ivan sounds like just a different punk.

Throughout their individual, but parallel journeys, they must find why they have these powers, and the reason for their instincts to protect and defend people. That is, until they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves.

This is catchy, and hooky, but it makes me think you have practically two separate books that sort of join up at the end. It's, as I said, too disjointed. Also, while you provide mini-conflicts, "must find out why they have these powers, and their reason for their instincts to protect people" doesn't give me any sense of the overall story conflict/antagonist. Presumably if they're the real threat to humanity, somebody's going to be standing against them the whole way, but that's not mentioned.

BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word cyberpunk novel that blends dark humor and social commentary. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Sorcerous Signals", and "The Dunesteef".

I'm always weary of things claiming to be social commentary because it makes me think the writer is more concerned with Theme than Story, especially because that's so broad. Also, you give us no indication of dark humor in your query, so I don't really believe you when you tell us that it has some.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

I recognize the difficulty in having two mirrored main plot-lines, but there's got to be a more concise way of explaining them. This query goes from the micro to the macro - starting with the people's individual struggles, which is of course a nice concrete approach, but you might want to at least try the opposite approach and begin with the big picture of your story and then whittle it down with specifics; you might have a better chance of holding the pieces together that way.

Also, now I've got Soundgarden stuck in my head, and having read some commentary about that song's lyrics, may be what you want. :)

[CafeCliche]

This is well-written and intriguing, but I think you would benefit from cutting some of these details out. Maybe it's because you've got two concurrent plots going on, but you reference several different scenes throughout your synopsis and the effect is rather disjointed. I would suggest a shorter and more cohesive description of the setup.

You do a great job describing the setting of the book, but I'm still unclear on what the characters' goals are. I know how they end up at opposite sides of this conflict, but then what? To channel Janet Reid for a moment, I want to know who these characters are, what drives them, and what they're going to have to do to achieve their goals. I feel like you need more of that here.

And to be nitpicky for a moment, I would cut out those two "he has the ability to ____" sentences. It's understood already - saying it outright like that is a little too portentous. Also, rather than just telling the agent that the book is darkly humorous and contains social commentary, have you thought of referring to another author whose style/thematic choices are similar to yours? That might do a better job of helping your potential agent visualize where your book would end up in the market.

All in all, though, it's a solid start. Good luck!

[SteveShakespeare]

I am querying because of {REASON}. I think Black Hole Son would be a good match for your interests.

Remy wakes up on a park bench. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there (first part isn't needed because it's implied by the second part), but he has some pills, some money, and a strange gun. When he picks up a book, unbidden visions flash through his head--he has the ability to read the history of objects.

Ash wakes up in an alley. He has no memory and no idea who he is or how he got there (same as above), but he has some pills, some money. (some pills and some money.) When he loses his patience in a hospital, objects around him catch on fire--he can set things on fire with his mind. (don't use "on fire" twice with only four words in between. Maybe make the first one "set ablaze" or "go up in flames")

Neither knows the other exists. Now they must each strike out on their own in a cold mega-city ruled by a designer pharmaceutical company. Remy puts himself at risk (elaborate a bit on how he puts himself at risk to build conflict/excitement) to save a battered woman, then joins a "Robin Hood" black market pharmacy. (explain how his newfound powers are used in regards to these situations, as that's sort of the hook.)

Meanwhile, a gang of punks mug Ash. With a thirst for justice after being mugged, he Ash joins the White Knights, a neighborhood patrol group. But the leader, Ivan, is a self-important bully whose do-nothing policies motivate Ash to start using his powers to stop crime his own way.

Throughout their individual, but (we already know they're individual journeys) parallel journeys, they must find why they have these powers (the beginning of the query makes me assume it has something to do with the pills and the pharmaceutical company that rules the city, so instead of saying "why they have" maybe "why (whoever is responsible) did this to them," to create more of a conflict.), and the reason for their instincts to protect and defend people (is it odd for people to be good-natured in this mega-city? If so, maybe you should mention it here). That is, until they discover the real threat to humanity--themselves.

BLACK HOLE SON is a 120,000 word cyberpunk novel that blends dark humor and social commentary. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Sorcerous Signals", and "The Dunesteef".

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

It's a very interesting concept and the writing is excellent, but the initial interest generated by the mystery of them waking up with no memory and super-human powers in a city run by a pharmaceutical company goes away when these areas are not expanded on. I'd like to know a slight bit about the pharmaceutical company, I assume because of the existence of "Robin Hood" black market pharmacies, that this major one is oppressive, but I'd like to see a few words on how or why. Also the most important thing I would advise is to create a parallel between paragraphs 3 & 4, as you do with paragraphs 1 & 2, about how they start using their powers for good. So 1 & 2 tells how they woke up with powers, 3 & 4 tells how they begin to use those powers for good, and 5 tells me how their stories intertwine (if not physically then the identical aspects of their journeys), along with the fact that they're humanity's greatest threat.

But overall, I love the concept, the writing, the title...and the song.

[theWallflower]

Here is a link to my third draft for those who want to follow the progress. viewtopic.php?f=13&t=1014&start=0