QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

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johydai
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QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by johydai » February 22nd, 2010, 1:17 pm

The advise on this forum are great. I'd like to thank you in advance for your help. If you need me to return the favor, please just ask, and I'll be happy to help you.
____________________

NOTE: NEWEST QUERY AT THE END
____________________

Dear [Agent Name],

When lovely free-thinker Belle is informed at the Embers Ball that she is now affianced to the egotistical Prince of Embero, she’s simply appalled. And on the eve of the grand wedding, she flees, and a reward without parallel is issued for her head.

Belle, like her mother, has the ability of controlling water, but unlike her mother, she has been marked from birth as the guardian of the Last Dragon. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in its heart—that has the power to grant immortality, something the fire weaving King of Embero longs to have. Aided only by an aspiring soldier and his spell-weaving sister, Belle journeys to the Mainland.

When Belle discovers that a beautiful soul exists within the Dragon, she falls in love with him. But what Belle and King don't know is that the Dragon is really the prince--the king's son, betrothed of Belle, and the reason she ran away in the first place.

BELLE, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 100,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
My Name


____________________

Thank you,
Johydai
Last edited by johydai on February 23rd, 2010, 9:48 am, edited 5 times in total.

Lunetta22
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by Lunetta22 » February 22nd, 2010, 1:58 pm

Ooh I like it! I really like the way you've rephrased the query. The last paragraph particularly rocks. Good luck with t his! (And I hope to see a page or two...I'm better with those than queries. ;))

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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by jessicatudor » February 22nd, 2010, 4:16 pm

I'd run away if I were supposed to participate in a grand weeding, too. ;) Sounds like a concise summary of the story too, but where's your word count and title?
'The world is but canvas to our imaginations.' - Thoreau

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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by bcomet » February 22nd, 2010, 4:27 pm

I really love what you've done!
And, you've answered everyone's questions! Good work!

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christi
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by christi » February 22nd, 2010, 9:29 pm

johydai wrote: When lovely free-thinker Belle
the egotistical Prince
This mighty beast
When Belle discovers that a beautiful soul exists within the Dragon, she falls in love with him.

This sounds a lot like Beauty and the Beast. Just sayin'.
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

http://christigoddard.blogspot.com/

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charity_bradford
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by charity_bradford » February 22nd, 2010, 10:47 pm

First, I love your story idea and what follows is just tiny nit picks, and probably personal opinion. I would read this book.
johydai wrote:The advise on this forum are great. I'd like to thank you in advance for your help. If you need me to return the favor, please just ask, and I'll be happy to help you.
____________________

QUERY
____________________

Dear [Agent Name],

When lovely free-thinker Belle is informed at the Embers Ball that she is now affianced to the egotistical Prince of Embero, she’s simply appalled. And on the eve of the grand wedding, she flees, and a reward without parallel is issued for her head. (I would not start the sentence with and.)

Belle, like her mother, has the ability of controlling water (does "to control water" sound better? In the same sentence you say marked and I think the two should match. Either both -ing or -ed), but unlike her mother, she has been marked from birth as the guardian of the Last Dragon. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in its heart—that has the power to grant immortality, something the fire weaving King of Embero longs to have. Aided only by an aspiring soldier and his spell-weaving sister, Belle journeys to the Mainland.

When Belle discovers that a beautiful soul exists within the Dragon, she falls in love with him. But what (Drop the "but" and just start with "What") Belle and King don't know is that the Dragon is really the prince--the king's son, betrothed of Belle (The King doesn't know that his own son is the dragon? Or is there more than one King being talked about here? Also this sentence goes on a bit long for me.), and the reason she ran away in the first place.

BELLE, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 100,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
My Name

____________________

Thank you,
Johydai

My daughter would read this too. :)
If you are a mother and a writer you have to make the time to write. No one is going to give it to you.
http://charitywrites.blogspot.com/

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johydai
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by johydai » February 23rd, 2010, 12:28 pm

Dear [Agent Name],

When lovely free-thinker Belle is informed at the Embers Ball that she is now affianced to the egotistical Prince of Embero, she’s simply appalled. And on the eve of the grand wedding, she flees, and a reward without parallel is issued for her head.

Belle, like her mother, has the ability to control water, but unlike her mother, she has been marked from birth as the guardian of the Last Dragon. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in the heart—that has the power to grant immortality, something the King of Embero longs to have. Aided only by an aspiring soldier and his spell-weaving sister, Belle journeys to the Mainland.

When Belle discovers that a beautiful soul exists within the Dragon, she falls in love with him. What Belle and the King don't know is that the Dragon is really the prince--the king's son, betrothed of Belle, and the reason she ran away in the first place.

BELLE, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 100,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
My Name

____________________

Thank you,
Johydai
Last edited by johydai on March 3rd, 2010, 10:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

juniperjenny
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by juniperjenny » February 23rd, 2010, 12:30 pm

This sounds great - I love that it's a twist on the Beauty and the Beast story, except in this one she loves the beast instead of the prince. But what happened to the old title? I LOVE "The Last Dragon." It reminds me of "The Last Unicorn," my favorite childhood animated film (and probably a very good book that I've never read.) Here are some notes on the query...
johydai wrote:NEWEST QUERY
____________________

Dear [Agent Name],

When lovely free-thinker Belle is informed Passive...try "learns" at the Embers Ball that she is now affianced to the egotistical Prince of Embero, she’s simply appalled. And on the eve of the grand weeding, she flees, and a reward without parallel is issued for her head. Is there a way to make this active voice as well? "The ruthless King of Embrero issues a reward without parallel...for her head." Note: I'm overly fond of ...s

Belle, like her mother, has the ability to control water, but unlike her mother, she has been marked from birth as the guardian of the Last Dragon. This sentence focuses rather too much on the mother. Maybe... "Like her mother, Belle has the ability to control water. What's more, she has been marked from birth as the guardian of the Last Dragon.This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in the heart—that has the power to grant immortality, something the King of Embero longs to have. Aided only by an aspiring soldier and his spell-weaving sister, Belle journeys to the Mainland. Why?

When Belle discovers that a beautiful soul exists within the Dragon, she falls in love with him. What Belle and the King don't know is that the Dragon is really the prince--the king's son, betrothed of Belle, and the reason she ran away in the first place. Awesomeness.

BELLE, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 100,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
My Name

____________________

Thank you,
Johydai

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johydai
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by johydai » February 24th, 2010, 3:22 pm

Thanks guys!

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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by Serzen » February 24th, 2010, 11:21 pm

johydai wrote: When lovely free-thinker Belle is informed at the Embers Ball that she is now affianced to the egotistical Prince of Embero, she’s simply appalled. And on the eve of the grand weeding wedding, she flees, and a reward without parallel is issued for her head.

Belle, like her mother, has the ability to control water, but unlike her mother, she has been marked from birth as the guardian of the Last Dragon. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in the its heart—that has the power to grant immortality, something the King of Embero longs to have. Aided only by an aspiring soldier and his spell-weaving sister, Belle journeys to the Mainland.

When Belle discovers that a beautiful soul exists within the Dragon, she falls in love with him. What Belle and the King don't know is that the Dragon is really the prince--the king's son, betrothed of Belle, and the reason she ran away in the first place.
Off the top: Apologies to JuniperJenny but "is informed" is in the present participle and the active voice (the progressive aspect) unless I'm totally mistaken. Same thing with "is issued." It implies action of limited but possibly incomplete duration.

As to the query: Aside from the changes highlighted above I am of two minds about "simply" in the first sentence. Adverbs are useful tools when used sparingly (hah, there's one now!), but shouldn't be overused. I might also think about the last sentence of the last paragraph as "...is actually the prince..." Moreover, I'm not sure how I feel about the dash. "...the prince, the king's son, betrothed of Belle..." reads well to me and I don't think is grammatically incorrect.

~Serzen
Il en est des livres comme du feu de nos foyers; on va prendre ce feu chez son voisin, on l’allume chez soi, on le communique à d’autres, et il appartient à tous. --Voltaire

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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by juniperjenny » February 26th, 2010, 9:38 am

Off the top: Apologies to JuniperJenny but "is informed" is in the present participle and the active voice (the progressive aspect) unless I'm totally mistaken. Same thing with "is issued." It implies action of limited but possibly incomplete duration.

I think it's understood in these sentences that the action "informed" and "issued" are carried out by an unstated subject. That's what makes them passive...that missing "by." I maintain that "learns" is stronger than "is informed." But I accept your apologies and we can agree to disagree. Sob!

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johydai
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by johydai » March 1st, 2010, 1:48 pm

:)

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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by GeeGee55 » March 1st, 2010, 3:08 pm

I think this is really strong as it is. The story is there, the conflict, it's clear although there are some mysteries. You can play with it a bit if you choose, but I really like this query. It weaves a bit of a spell, I think. I like the simply appalled, I think it improves the rhythm of the piece and adverbs are not evil, only to be used sparingly. I must say I like the title The Last Dragon, too.
Good luck with your story, definitely one that I would like to read.

Serzen
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by Serzen » March 1st, 2010, 10:05 pm

juniperjenny wrote: I think it's understood in these sentences that the action "informed" and "issued" are carried out by an unstated subject. That's what makes them passive...that missing "by." I maintain that "learns" is stronger than "is informed." But I accept your apologies and we can agree to disagree. Sob!
You could well have me on the unstated subject creating the passive voice. I haven't been at my best the past week or two; if you're correct, I'll concede it so without wasting the effort to look it up.

I, personally, prefer "is informed" because, even though it's not as strong or active of a phrase, it implies circumstances out of Belle/Nadine's control. Learning is certainly not always voluntary but being informed seems more striking, more of a violation. To me. We can agree to disagree.

~Serzen
Il en est des livres comme du feu de nos foyers; on va prendre ce feu chez son voisin, on l’allume chez soi, on le communique à d’autres, et il appartient à tous. --Voltaire

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johydai
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Re: QUERY: BELLE (YA-FANTASY)

Post by johydai » March 3rd, 2010, 10:56 pm

NEWEST QUERY LETTER
________________________

Dear [Agent Name],

When free-thinker Belle is informed at the Embers Ball that she’s affianced to the egotistical Prince of Embero; she is simply appalled. On the eve of the grand wedding, she flees, and a reward without parallel is issued for her head.

Belle, like her mother, has the ability to control water, but unlike her mother, she has been marked from birth as the guardian of the Last Dragon. This mighty beast possesses a golden vein—a filament in the heart—that has the power to grant immortality, something the King of Embero longs to have. Aided only by an aspiring soldier and his spell-weaving sister, Belle journeys to the Mainland.

Belle falls in love with the Dragon when she discovers that a beautiful soul exists within him. What Belle and the King of Embero don't know is that the Dragon is really the prince--the king's son, betrothed of Belle, and the reason she ran away in the first place.

BELLE, a YA fantasy novel is complete at 100,000 words

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
Johydai

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