Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

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Sea
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Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by Sea » February 16th, 2010, 9:15 pm

I would love to hear your feedback! Thank you so much for your time.

****

Naughty Gnomes is a finished, contemporary romantic comedy of 80,000 words, set in a large rural town in Australia. Beginning in a bush, and spending an unusual length of time in a morgue, this first person narrative tumbles along with Josie as she battles heartbreak with doggy-do, finds love amidst exploding microwaves, and overcomes her prejudice against gnomes.

Josie Stephenson is not just accident prone - she is stalked by disaster. Which is why she works in a morgue, where she can’t really hurt anyone. Yet her misfortune doesn’t end there: her fiance has just left her for another woman, she owes her godmother eleven new gnomes, and every Tuesday she is forced through the hideous ordeal of playing senior hockey (despite being 40 years younger than the rest of the team). All she really wants to do is survive her heartbreak - and maybe get a new job, a new place to stay, and a dinosaur bone for her dog. Instead she finds herself falling for (in front of, on top of, and over) the mysterious and gorgeous new guy, who is way out of her league. But is he going to bring her happiness or hurt?

Naughty Gnomes is my third completed manuscript, but the first I have felt is worthy of harassing the tired eyes of any literary agents or publishers with. I work as a copywriter, primarily for web, and have had a number of PR articles published online and in various print newspapers and magazines.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please recycle / return.

Lunetta22
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Re: Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by Lunetta22 » February 16th, 2010, 9:19 pm

I like the premise. I'd start with the first paragraph:
Josie Stephenson is not just accident prone - she is stalked by disaster. Which is why she works in a morgue, where she can’t really hurt anyone. Yet her misfortune doesn’t end there: her fiance has just left her for another woman, she owes her godmother eleven new gnomes, and every Tuesday she is forced through the hideous ordeal of playing senior hockey (despite being 40 years younger than the rest of the team). All she really wants to do is survive her heartbreak - and maybe get a new job, a new place to stay, and a dinosaur bone for her dog. Instead she finds herself falling for (in front of, on top of, and over) the mysterious and gorgeous new guy, who is way out of her league. But is he going to bring her happiness or hurt?
(reallly like the in front of, on top of, and over...)

Good luck with this!

CC13
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Re: Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by CC13 » February 16th, 2010, 10:22 pm

Sea wrote:I would love to hear your feedback! Thank you so much for your time.

****

Naughty Gnomes is a finished, contemporary romantic comedy of 80,000 words, set in a large rural town in Australia. Beginning in a bush, and spending an unusual length of time in a morgue, this first person narrative tumbles along with Josie as she battles heartbreak with doggy-do, finds love amidst exploding microwaves, and overcomes her prejudice against gnomes.

Josie Stephenson is not just accident prone - she is stalked by disaster. Which is why she works in a morgue, where she can’t really hurt anyone. Yet her misfortune doesn’t end there: her fiance has just left her for another woman, she owes her godmother eleven new gnomes, and every Tuesday she is forced through the hideous ordeal of playing senior hockey (despite being 40 years younger than the rest of the team). All she really wants to do is survive her heartbreak - and maybe get a new job, a new place to stay, and a dinosaur bone for her dog. Instead she finds herself falling for (in front of, on top of, and over) the mysterious and gorgeous new guy, who is way out of her league. But is he going to bring her happiness or hurt?You had me until this. It's weak compared to the rest of the wonderful voice. And sort of cliche.

Naughty Gnomes is my third completed manuscript, but the first I have felt is worthy of harassing the tired eyes of any literary agents or publishers with.I would definitely cut the first line here. Nothing they need to know. I'd also put your first paragraph here, and lead with the plot synopsis. I work as a copywriter, primarily for web, and have had a number of PR articles published online and in various print newspapers and magazines.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please recycle / return.
I like the voice here, very engaging. Good luck!

Sea
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Re: Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by Sea » February 16th, 2010, 10:53 pm

Thanks Lunette22 and CC13

Is this better then? (I wasn't entirely sure what you meant be 'lead with the synopsis')

Updated Query Letter


Josie Stephenson is not just accident prone - she is stalked by disaster. Which is why she works in a morgue, where she can’t really hurt anyone. Yet her misfortune doesn’t end there: her fiance has just left her for another woman, she owes her godmother eleven new gnomes, and every Tuesday she is forced through the hideous ordeal of playing senior hockey (despite being 40 years younger than the rest of the team). All she really wants to do is survive her heartbreak - and maybe get a new job, a new place to stay, and a dinosaur bone for her dog. Instead she finds herself falling for (in front of, on top of, and over) the mysterious and gorgeous new guy, who is way out of her league. But is he going to be the best thing she’s stumbled upon since shin pads? Or will he convince her that the only safe men are dead ones?

Beginning in a bush, and spending an unusual length of time in a morgue, this first person narrative tumbles along with Josie as she battles heartbreak with doggy-do, finds love amidst exploding microwaves, and overcomes her prejudice against gnomes.

Naughty Gnomes is a finished, contemporary romantic comedy of 80,000 words, set in a large rural town in Australia. I work as a copywriter, primarily for web, and have had a number of PR articles published online and in various print newspapers and magazines.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please recycle / return.

Lunetta22
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Re: Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by Lunetta22 » February 16th, 2010, 11:28 pm

I like the second version better. It seems like a lot of fun. Good luck!

CoachMT
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Re: Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by CoachMT » February 17th, 2010, 11:17 am

Sea wrote:Thanks Lunette22 and CC13

Is this better then? (I wasn't entirely sure what you meant be 'lead with the synopsis')

Updated Query Letter


Josie Stephenson is not just accident prone - she is stalked by disaster. Which is why she works in a morgue, where she can’t really hurt anyone. Yet her misfortune doesn’t end there: her fiance has just left her for another woman, she owes her godmother eleven new gnomes, (does she mold them? breed them? conjure them up with magic? I need a little more info) and every Tuesday she is forced through the hideous ordeal of playing senior hockey (despite being 40 years younger than the rest of the team). All she really wants to do is survive her heartbreak - and maybe get a new job, a new place to stay, and a dinosaur bone for her dog. Instead she finds herself falling for (in front of, on top of, and over) the mysterious and gorgeous new guy, who is way out of her league. But is he going to be the best thing she’s stumbled upon since shin pads? Or will he convince her that the only safe men are dead ones? The somewhat rhetorical questions are generally considered a no-no. "Now she has to decide if he's the best thing since shin pads or if the only safe men are dead ones" might be better.

Beginning in a bush, and spending an unusual length of time in a morgue, this first person narrative tumbles along with Josie as she battles heartbreak with doggy-do, finds love amidst exploding microwaves, and overcomes her prejudice against gnomes.

Naughty Gnomes is a finished, contemporary romantic comedy of 80,000 words, set in a large rural town in Australia. I work as a copywriter, primarily for web, and have had a number of PR articles published online and in various print newspapers and magazines.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please recycle / return.
I think you've got a great start here. Keep it up!

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JustineDell
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Re: Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by JustineDell » February 17th, 2010, 11:52 am

Sea wrote: Josie Stephenson is not just accident prone - she is stalked by disaster. Which is why she works in a morgue, where she can’t really hurt anyone. Yet her misfortune doesn’t end there: her fiance has just left her for another woman, she owes her godmother eleven new gnomes, and every Tuesday she is forced through the hideous ordeal of playing senior hockey (despite being 40 years younger than the rest of the team). All she really wants to do is survive her heartbreak - and maybe get a new job, a new place to stay, and a dinosaur bone for her dog. Instead she finds herself falling for (in front of, on top of, and over) the mysterious and gorgeous new guy, who is way out of her league. But is he going to be the best thing she’s stumbled upon since shin pads? Or will he convince her that the only safe men are dead ones?

Beginning in a bush, and spending an unusual length of time in a morgue, this first person narrative tumbles along with Josie as she battles heartbreak with doggy-do, finds love amidst exploding microwaves, and overcomes her prejudice against gnomes.

Naughty Gnomes is a finished, contemporary romantic comedy of 80,000 words, set in a large rural town in Australia. I work as a copywriter, primarily for web, and have had a number of PR articles published online and in various print newspapers and magazines.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please recycle / return.
You did a great job rearranging so it flows! The first paragraph really draws me in and makes me laugh.

Someone mentioned the question at the end, BUT Nathan only hates the questions are at the beginning - he doesn't mind them at the end. Same goes for other agents. They are not a total no-no, just so long as they are in the right place (which your's is) and it provides the hook (which yours does).

I'm more interested in this guy who is out of her league. I understand you used him as a hook, but I find myself wanting to know a little more about their interactions. It's good as-is, knowing more about the dude is just me.

Good Job!

~JD

http://www.justine-dell.blogspot.com/

"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

CC13
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Re: Naughty Gnomes Query Letter - Romantic Comedy

Post by CC13 » February 17th, 2010, 11:57 am

This is much better. The only thing I stumbled on was "heartbreak with doggy-do"...why on earth would anyone be heartbroken about doggy-do? I'm assuming you meant ti to come across as something else. And seeing as no one else mentioned it, maybe I'm just a little nutty, but it didn't work for me. Everything else seems spot on!

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