Query: Mythic

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CC13
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Query: Mythic

Post by CC13 » February 14th, 2010, 7:51 am

Hello all! Trying to get this thing as good as possible, so any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. Thanks in advance!


Jessa Whitley knows she’s got no business being the next Hercules. Sure, she’s obsessed with everything Greek, but she’s never thrown a punch, and her asthma turns even the shortest sprint into a wheezing marathon. However, when her superhuman strength suddenly kicks in, and a couple of in-the-flesh Greek gods find her, she has no problem eating up such a reality. Until that reality starts trying to kill her.

Jessa's the last half-mortal around to set things straight with the Underworld. Not cool, especially when Hades is the one out to destroy her soul. To add to the creep factor, she can see the plans of the Underworld through cryptic visions. An apocalypse is coming, and Jessa needs to stop it. But no matter how much Underworld daemon ass she has to kick, Hades doesn’t seem to take the hint.

Hades gets personal by threatening everyone she loves, mortals and immortals alike, including Apollo, the god she’s completely fallen for. Embracing her badass daemon slayer self, Jessa brings the fight to Hades on his own turf. But putting Hades back in his place, literally, and stopping the destruction of the mortals is, well, a Herculean task. And Jessa's still not sure she's cut out for the job.

I’m an active member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, Romance Writers of America, and the DFW Writers’ Workshop, which hosts the Dallas Fort Worth Writers’ Conference. I'd be delighted to send MYTHIC, a 75,000-word young adult contemporary fantasy, at your request.

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Holly
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Re: Query: Mythic

Post by Holly » February 14th, 2010, 9:36 am

Good morning, CC13. I like your breezy tone. Editing this to say you seem to be doing a lot of telling instead of showing. I'm also not a query expert, so please take that into account. Good luck!

Jessa Whitley knows she’s got no business being the next Hercules. Sure, she’s obsessed with everything Greek, but she’s never thrown a punch, and her asthma turns even the shortest sprint into a wheezing marathon. However, when her superhuman strength suddenly kicks in [say what? tell us how this happens -- in the public library while she's checking out a book about Greek vases? In a Greek restaurant? What's the trigger?], and a couple of in-the-flesh Greek gods find her [find her where/how, and why do they want to find her?], she has no problem eating up such a reality. Until that reality starts trying to kill her.

Jessa's the last half-mortal around to set things straight with the Underworld. Not cool, especially when Hades [Hades as in a bad dude, or Hades the bad place?] is the one out to destroy her soul. To add to the creep factor, she can see the plans of the Underworld through cryptic visions [this almost seems too easy. How long has this been going on? Her whole life? ]. An apocalypse is coming, and Jessa needs to stop it. But no matter how much Underworld daemon ass she has to kick, Hades doesn’t seem to take the hint.

Hades gets personal by threatening everyone she loves, mortals and immortals alike, including Apollo, the god she’s completely fallen for [since she starts off like an ordinary person, where/when/how did Apollo come in?]. Embracing her badass daemon slayer self, Jessa brings the fight to Hades on his own turf [okay, so Hades is a demon, not the place]. But putting Hades back in his place, literally, and stopping the destruction of the mortals is, well, a Herculean task. And Jessa's still not sure she's cut out for the job.

I’m an active member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, Romance Writers of America, and the DFW Writers’ Workshop, which hosts the Dallas Fort Worth Writers’ Conference. I'd be delighted to send MYTHIC, a 75,000-word young adult contemporary fantasy, at your request. [I like your last paragraph.][/quote]

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Bohemienne
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Re: Query: Mythic

Post by Bohemienne » February 14th, 2010, 10:19 am

CC13 wrote:Hello all! Trying to get this thing as good as possible, so any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. Thanks in advance!


Jessa Whitley knows she’s got no business being the next Hercules. "Got no business being" is a little convoluted. "Certainly isn't" or something more direct may help here. Sure, she’s obsessed with everything Greek, but she’s never thrown a punch, and her asthma turns even the shortest sprint into a wheezing marathon. However, when her superhuman strength suddenly kicks in, and a couple of in-the-flesh Greek gods find her, she has no problem eating up such a reality. "eating up" sounds awkward to me as well. "accepting"? "Diving right in to"? Until that reality starts trying to kill her.

Jessa's the last half-mortal around to set things straight with the Underworld. Not cool, especially when Hades is the one out to destroy her soul. To add to the creep factor, she can see the plans of the Underworld through cryptic visions. An apocalypse is coming, and Jessa needs to stop it. But no matter how much Underworld daemon ass she has to kick, Hades doesn’t seem to take the hint. Great voice here! I can almost imagine that this is how Jessa talks.

Hades gets personal by threatening everyone she loves, mortals and immortals alike, including Apollo, the god she’s completely fallen for. The "completely" sounds awkward to "fallen for" to me. Embracing her badass daemon slayer self, Another awkward clause here. Embrassing her inner badass? Embrassing her inner daemon slayer? Jessa brings the fight to Hades on his own turf. But putting Hades back in his place, literally, and stopping the destruction of the mortals is, well, a Herculean task. And Jessa's still not sure she's cut out for the job.

I’m an active member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, Romance Writers of America, and the DFW Writers’ Workshop, which hosts the Dallas Fort Worth Writers’ Conference. I'd be delighted to send MYTHIC, a 75,000-word young adult contemporary fantasy, at your request.
Sounds like a really fun story! Good luck!

Yoshima
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Re: Query: Mythic

Post by Yoshima » February 14th, 2010, 1:55 pm

Hi CC13! I'm not a query expert either, so take or leave whatever you wish. :)
CC13 wrote:Hello all! Trying to get this thing as good as possible, so any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. Thanks in advance!


Jessa Whitley knows she’s got no business being the next Hercules. Sure, she’s obsessed with everything Greek, but she’s never thrown a punch, and her asthma turns even the shortest sprint into a wheezing marathon. However, when her superhuman strength suddenly kicks in, and a couple of in-the-flesh Greek gods find her, she has no problem eating up such a reality. Until that reality starts trying to kill her. (This is hilarious. I'm so hooked.)

Jessa's the last half-mortal around to set things straight with the Underworld (Did I mention how much I love this concept? Well I love this concept.). Not cool, especially when Hades is the one out to destroy her soul. To add to the creep factor (I wasn't really feeling the creep factor, to be honest; rephrase?), she can see the plans of the Underworld through cryptic visions. An apocalypse is coming, and Jessa needs to stop it. But no matter how much Underworld daemon ass she has to kick, Hades doesn’t seem to take the hint. (Tee hee hee.)

Hades gets personal by threatening everyone she loves, mortals and immortals alike, including Apollo, the god she’s completely fallen for. Embracing her badass daemon slayer self, Jessa brings the fight to Hadeson his own turf. But putting Hades back in his place, literally, and stopping the destruction of the mortals is, well, a Herculean task. And Jessa's still not sure she's cut out for the job.

Hmm. Now that I think about it, I think you could cut the last three sentences of the second paragraph and bump up the third one. I think it would flow better that way, since you're on a note about Hades wanting to destroy her, etc. All in all, I really enjoyed your query. The voice was so clear and I loved how it sounded casual but still had conflict. Great, great job! Happy revisions!

I’m an active member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, Romance Writers of America, and the DFW Writers’ Workshop, which hosts the Dallas Fort Worth Writers’ Conference. I'd be delighted to send MYTHIC, a 75,000-word young adult contemporary fantasy, at your request.

CC13
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Re: Query: Mythic

Post by CC13 » February 14th, 2010, 4:40 pm

Thank you everyone for your suggestions! OK, so I've only done some tweaking with words based on what was said. Does it flow better? I have some explanations afterwards.

Jessa Whitley knows she’s got no business being the next Hercules. Sure, she’s obsessed with everything Greek, but she’s never thrown a punch, and her asthma turns even the shortest sprint into a wheezing marathon. However, when her superhuman strength kicks in on her class trip to Greece, and a couple of in-the-flesh Greek gods find her, she has no problem eating up such a reality. Until that reality starts trying to kill her.

Jessa's the last half-mortal around to set things straight with the Underworld. Not cool, especially when Hades is the one out to destroy her soul. To add to the creep factor, her new powers show her the plans of the Underworld through cryptic visions. An apocalypse is coming, and Jessa needs to stop it. But no matter how much Underworld daemon ass she has to kick, Hades doesn’t seem to take the hint.

Hades gets personal by threatening everyone she loves, mortals and immortals alike, including her trainer Apollo, the god she’s falling for. Embracing her inner badass, Jessa brings the fight to Hades. But putting Hades back in his place, literally, and stopping the destruction of mortals is a Herculean task. And Jessa's still not sure she's cut out for the job.

I’m an active member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, Romance Writers of America, and the DFW Writers’ Workshop, which hosts the Dallas Fort Worth Writers’ Conference. I'd be delighted to send MYTHIC, a 75,000-word young adult contemporary fantasy, at your request.


Holly, I didn't mention how or when Apollo came in because I thought maybe it might convolute the query (and was hoping with the first para mentioning the in-the-flesh Greek gods would tie in with mentioning Apollo). Does it still not work? I added "trainer" for perhaps something more solid as to why he's there. As for the visions, I added it alongside new powers so it's realized this all just started. I also added where all of this started (in Greece on a class trip), does that work better or do you think it's fine without it?

I have a hard time getting rid of those last couple of sentences in the second para, Yoshima, lol. But if it really doesn't add to the query, I'll work with it. Essentially, it'd be taking the entire apocalypse idea out of the query, which is fine if you think it would read better? I'm still going to have to keep the kicking Underworld daemon ass line in there somewhere though lol. Thanks again!

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Holly
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Re: Query: Mythic

Post by Holly » February 14th, 2010, 5:39 pm

Holly, I didn't mention how or when Apollo came in because I thought maybe it might convolute the query (and was hoping with the first para mentioning the in-the-flesh Greek gods would tie in with mentioning Apollo). Does it still not work? I added "trainer" for perhaps something more solid as to why he's there. Yes, trainer anchors Apollo. Question: does Apollo get involved in her fight with Hades? As for the visions, I added it alongside new powers so it's realized this all just started.Yes, it's better now. I also added where all of this started (in Greece on a class trip), does that work better or do you think it's fine without it? The class trip to Greece anchors the story. I think you need it.

I am the world's most rotten query-writer -- I would rather ask a blind dentist to rip all my teeth out than write a query -- so please take my opinions with a pound of salt. If you think something else is better, go with it.

The query seems better now. I still feel you could use one strong pitch sentence that sums up the whole novel. Here is a line from somebody else's query: "It is a romantic romp through the streets of Victorian London, from high society to the steam punk laboratories of Frankenstein-like scientists." A Greek version of that line would really help. Good luck!

Line copied from: http://pubrants.blogspot.com/search/label/queries

bcomet
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Re: Query: Mythic

Post by bcomet » February 14th, 2010, 5:52 pm

I simply loved this. I would so read this book. You've got a story and your voice comes through wonderfully.
CC13 wrote: Jessa Whitley knows she’s got no business being the next Hercules. Sure, she’s obsessed with everything Greek, but she’s never thrown a punch, and her asthma turns even the shortest sprint into a wheezing marathon. However, when her superhuman strength suddenly kicks in, and a couple of in-the-flesh Greek gods find her, she has no problem eating up such a reality. Until that reality starts trying to kill her.

Jessa's the last half-mortal around to set things straight with the Underworld. Not cool, especially when Hades is the one out to destroy her soul. To add to the creep factor, she can see the plans of the Underworld through cryptic visions. An apocalypse is coming, and Jessa needs to stop it. But no matter how much Underworld daemon ass she has to kick, Hades doesn’t seem to take the hint.

Hades gets personal by threatening everyone she loves, mortals and immortals alike, including Apollo, the god she’s completely fallen for. Embracing her badass daemon slayer self, Jessa brings the fight to Hades on his own turf. But putting Hades back in his place, literally, and stopping the destruction of the mortals is, well, a Herculean task. And Jessa's still not sure she's cut out for the job.

I’m an active member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators, Romance Writers of America, and the DFW Writers’ Workshop, which hosts the Dallas Fort Worth Writers’ Conference. I'd be delighted to send MYTHIC, a 75,000-word young adult contemporary fantasy, at your request.

CC13
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Re: Query: Mythic

Post by CC13 » February 15th, 2010, 5:27 pm

Thanks to everyone who helped! :)

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