YA Fiction Query: No *good* title yet.

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snlemon
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YA Fiction Query: No *good* title yet.

Post by snlemon » February 12th, 2010, 11:51 pm

I've been working on this for days and it's giving me a headache and wrinkles. :) Feel free to rip it to shreds!

Sixteen year old Lily would rather goof off with her best friend Riley, while the rest of the girl world just seems interested in getting his attention. She doesn’t need a
tan and lying on a beach is boring, thank you very much. Lily knows she has Riley’s friendship so that’s what she’s determined to keep. Falling in love with him isn’t quite
the way she planned to go about it.

Lily looks up at the boy she grew up teasing and sees a man she wants, but he’s more than unwilling to look at her differently, he’s downright vehemently against it. Just
a bikini drives him wild, in all the wrong ways. When he brings home his serious new girlfriend, Lily is heartbroken.

Working on a crab boat for a walking cloud of Marlboro smoke, Lily no longer has the free time to dwell on heartbreak before the cloud is yelling to get back to work. Newly
confident in her ability to work hard, Lily brings that confidence into the rest of her decisions. When Riley comes home to a Lily that doesn’t need him anymore, he
discovers he needs her.


I am clueless on a title. So far it's been THE BOY NEXT DOOR and the most recent LILY OF THE CHESAPEAKE.
I'll take suggestions if you have them!!
There is no such thing as good writing, only good re-writing.

Lunetta22
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Joined: February 13th, 2010, 1:13 am
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Re: YA Fiction Query: No *good* title yet.

Post by Lunetta22 » February 13th, 2010, 1:49 am

Queries aren't my strong suit, but reads a little short for me. I like the opening paragraphs:
Sixteen year old Lily would rather goof off with her best friend Riley, while the rest of the girl world just seems interested in getting his attention. She doesn’t need a
tan and lying on a beach is boring, thank you very much. Lily knows she has Riley’s friendship so that’s what she’s determined to keep. Falling in love with him isn’t quite
the way she planned to go about it.

Lily looks up at the boy she grew up teasing and sees a man she wants, but he’s more than unwilling to look at her differently, he’s downright vehemently against it. Just
a bikini drives him wild, in all the wrong ways. When he brings home his serious new girlfriend, Lily is heartbroken.
But the ending paragraph reads awkward.
Working on a crab boat for a walking cloud of Marlboro smoke, Lily no longer has the free time to dwell on heartbreak before the cloud is yelling to get back to work. Newly
confident in her ability to work hard, Lily brings that confidence into the rest of her decisions. When Riley comes home to a Lily that doesn’t need him anymore, he
discovers he needs her.
I might revise it to something like:

Lily gets a job working on a crab boat. She no longer has the time to dwell on her heartbreak and discovers that she no longer needs Riley in her life. Riley returns home to a more confident Lily, and her indifference makes him realize just how much he needs her.

NicoleLee
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Joined: February 11th, 2010, 7:26 pm
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Re: YA Fiction Query: No *good* title yet.

Post by NicoleLee » February 13th, 2010, 2:47 pm

Sixteen year old Lily would rather goof off with her best friend Riley, while the rest of the girl world just seems interested in getting his attention. She doesn’t need a tan and lying on a beach is boring, thank you very much. Lily knows she has Riley’s friendship so that’s what she’s determined to keep. Falling in love with him isn’t quite the way she planned to go about it.

Lily looks up at the boy she grew up teasing and sees a man she wants, but he’s more than unwilling to look at her differently, he’s downright vehemently against it. Just a bikini drives him wild, in all the wrong ways. When he brings home his serious new girlfriend, Lily is heartbroken. Does she say something to him? Does he know how she feels or is she keeping it bottled up inside?

Working on a crab boat for a walking cloud of Marlboro smoke Confused. Sounds like she's working so she can walk through smoke. , Lily no longer has the free time to dwell on heartbreak before the cloud is yelling to get back to work. Newly confident in her ability to work hard, Lily brings that confidence into the rest of her decisions. When Riley comes home to a Lily that doesn’t need him anymore, he discovers he needs her. Give me more about the conflict. How does she reclaim her confidence. Why does Riley come back? This paragraph needs more details as to the conflict.

I am clueless on a title. So far it's been THE BOY NEXT DOOR and the most recent LILY OF THE CHESAPEAKE.
I'll take suggestions if you have them!! To tell you the truth I have title trouble myself. I changed the title about four times. I like LILY OF THE CHESEPEAKE more because it stands out and it make me wonder what its meaning is. It's enticing.

Thank you for your help on my query :)

CC13
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Re: YA Fiction Query: No *good* title yet.

Post by CC13 » February 14th, 2010, 7:41 am

snlemon wrote:
Sixteen-year-old Lily would rather goof off with her best friend Riley, while the rest of the girl-world just seems interested in getting his attention. She doesn’t need a tan and lying on a beach is boring, thank you very much.What does this sentence have to do with anything? The voice is nice but I don't see its relevance... Lily knows she has Riley’s friendship so that’s what she’s determined to keep. Falling in love with him isn’t quite the way she planned to go about it. I like this sentence.

Lily looks up at the boy she grew up teasing and sees a man she wants, but he’s more than unwilling to look at her differently, he’s downright vehemently against it. Just a bikini drives him wild, in all the wrong ways.Not sure I like this only because if just a bikin does it, why doesn't she throw one on? When he brings home his serious new girlfriend, Lily is heartbroken.
You go from heartbroken to working and don't mention Riley until the end. I think there needs to be some sort of tie in. Is she working because it gets her mind off of him? Has she distanced herself from him? I think a more transitional sentence would work better than the Marlboro one you have here. Something along the lines of Lily immersing herself in everything Rileyless, including long hours at work (or something).
Working on a crab boat for a walking cloud of Marlboro smoke huh?, Lily no longer has the free time to dwell on heartbreak before the cloud is yelling to get back to workOK, this isn't working for me.. Newly confident in her ability to work hard, Lily brings that confidence into the rest of her decisions. When Riley comes home to a Lily that doesn’t need him anymore, he discovers he needs her.


I am clueless on a title. So far it's been THE BOY NEXT DOOR and the most recent LILY OF THE CHESAPEAKE.
I'll take suggestions if you have them!!
I'm not that good at titles either. I agree, there is lack of conflict in this query. So she likes her BF, he has no clue, dates another girl, thus the triangle, and our brooding, hurt MC. What's the difference in this story versus all the others like it? Find that, and focus on it. And other than shutting Riley out and working, does she do anything else? Or is it flat out refusal on her part to open up to Riley? Explore this. Good luck!

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