Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Agent,

Adam and Eve were the first beings to be created by the Great Lord and it is well known that they had children when they left the Garden of Ihdun, but what about before their fall? Did they have children before they were expelled? Were there other races living with them as well? Katriona Turner is about to find out. Kat has always assumed that she’s a normal seventeen year old, but her world is abruptly turned inside out when she comes to the realization that her life has been a lie.
She is actually a child of the quessir, a race born of Adam and Eve’s love in the Garden of Ihdun and the quessir have been awaiting her prophesied birth for centuries. In these end of days, evil has gained a stronger grip in our world than ever before, tipping the scales of balance and making it difficult for good to maintain its foothold. Discovering powers that are just now beginning to awaken in her, Kat and her new-found allies must continue the battle that began before time was and restore the balance before the Dark Lord overshadows all and we lose every trace of our humanity.

'Kat's Tale' is a completed 107,000 word urban fantasy/young adult cross over novel. Thank you for your time.


Thanks everyone for any help you can give. I also have a mini-synopsis written if you'd like to critique it.

Hey~

I'm not sure if you've made any revisions to this and stuck it up elsewhere or not, but I took a look and thought that this link might help more than anything I have to say.

http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/08 ... etter.html

http://querytracker.blogspot.com/2010/0 ... query.html

Take care ^_^

Hi there,

I'm sure you have an interesting novel -- the concept about what happened before Adam and Eve could be interesting. But your query doesn't tell us much about Kat and her journey. Right now you mainly have rhetorical questions (3!), backstory, and generalizations. Start with Kat -- and tell us what happens in the book as it unfurls. How did she learn she was a child of the quessir, who are her allies, and what is this battle that they must fight? What is Kat like and how does she feel about this world she's been thrown into? Be very specific.

The link Tangynt provided to Nathan's How to Write a Query is awesome. Hope that helps you get started!

Hi,
Is this a rewrite of Blood of Ihdun or a new book?
Polly

Totally agree with wilderness, focus more on the protag and her journey. And make me feel why she should beat the bad guys. If I don't feel that they are evil, I being weird, will most likely root for them. Do they want to rule the world, enslave the world, or kill and eat people? Why should I root for Kat? Is she likable, cute, sarcastic, cynical, shy, naive? Give me at least a stereotype of what she is like at the least to give me a feel for her. I hate books where the girl character is pretty much the bland action girl as the series progresses ->I'm looking at you Suzanne Collins, and especially you Philip Pullman.

I agree with the advice to give us more details of how Kat learns her true nature. This is a summarization that does not give: a) points of conflict, b) who she is fighting against, or c) what the stakes are. It could be much more compelling if you show us, in a couple of lines, how she learns her true identity and what she must then do.

Adam and Eve were the first beings to be created by the Great Lord and it is well known that they had children when Don't you mean after? Saying "when they left" implies that they already had children they left the Garden of Ihdun, but what about before their fall? Did they have children before they were expelled? Were there other races living with them as well? I can't speak for agents, but rhetorical questions seem to be a waste of time. State the conflict positively, and don't let the reader make up their own answers. I have never felt compelled to read a book where something "might" happen. Katriona Turner is about to find out. Kat has always assumed that she’s a normal seventeen year old, but her world is abruptly turned inside out when she comes to the realization that her life has been a lie.
She is actually a child of the quessir, a race born of Adam and Eve’s love in the Garden of Ihdun and the quessir have been awaiting her prophesied birth for centuries. In these end of days, evil has gained a stronger grip in our world than ever before, tipping the scales of balance and making it difficult for good to maintain its foothold. This says nothing to me. What horrible things happen? Discovering powers that are just now beginning to awaken in her, What powers? Kat and her new-found allies must continue the battle that began before time was and restore the balance before the Dark Lord Aug, no, not another generic Dark Lord!!! overshadows all and we lose every trace of our humanity. This does NOT tell us what is at stake in your story.

'Kat's Tale' is a completed 107,000 word urban fantasy/young adult cross over novel. You could just say "YA urban fantasy." Thank you for your time.

stardog911 wrote:Dear Agent,

Adam and Eve were the first beings to be created by the Great Lord and it is well known that they had children when they left the Garden of Ihdun, but what about before their fall? Did they have children before they were expelled? Were there other races living with them as well? Get rid of the rhetorical questions.Katriona Turner is about to find out. Kat has always assumed that she’s a normal seventeen year old, but her world is abruptly turned inside out when she comes to the realization that her life has been a lie.
Format paragraphs in block form. No indentation and a space between paragraphs. She is actually a child of the quessir, a race born of Adam and Eve’s love in the Garden of Ihdun and the quessir have been awaiting her prophesied birth for centuries. In these end of days, evil has gained a stronger grip in our world than ever before, tipping the scales of balance and making it difficult for good to maintain its foothold. Discovering powers that are just now beginning to awaken in her, Kat and her new-found allies must continue the battle that began before time was and restore the balance before the Dark Lord overshadows all and we lose every trace of our humanity. Please be more specific about her powers.

'Kat's Tale' is a completed 107,000 word urban fantasy/young adult cross over novel. Thank you for your time.


Thanks everyone for any help you can give. I also have a mini-synopsis written if you'd like to critique it.

I like the premise of you story and the books sounds marketable. Urban fantasy is hot right now!

Dear Agent,

Adam and Eve were the first beings to be created by the Great Lord and it is well known that they had children when they left the Garden of Ihdun, but what about before their fall? Did they have children before they were expelled? Were there other races living with them as well? HMM, I HAVE READ MANY ADVERSE COMMENTS ABOUT BEGINNING QUERIES WITH RHETORICAL QUESTIONS, SO TO PLAY IT EXTRA SAFE, MAYBE YOU CAN MOLD THESE INTO STATEMENTS. Katriona Turner is about to find out. Kat has always assumed that she’s a normal seventeen year old, but her world is abruptly turned inside out when she comes to the realization that her life has been a lie CHUNKY SENTENCE- AND HOW DOES SHE FIND OUT? DOES SOMEONE TELL HER? DOES SHE BELIEVE THEM INSTANTLY?.
She is actually a child of the quessir, a race born of Adam and Eve’s love in the Garden of Ihdun and the quessir have been awaiting her prophesied birth for centuries. In these end of days, evil has gained a stronger grip in our world than ever before, tipping the scales of balance and making it difficult for good to maintain its foothold SUDDENLY THE MENTION OF OUR WORLD- THE CHANGE IN POV THREW ME OFF FOR A SECOND. HOW ABOUT HER WORLD OR SIMPLY THE WORLD?. Discovering powers that are just now beginning to awaken in her, Kat and her new-found allies must continue the battle that began before time was and restore the balance before the Dark Lord overshadows all and we lose every trace of our humanity CHUNKY SENTENCE- BREAK IT UP.

'Kat's Tale' is a completed 107,000 word urban fantasy/young adult cross over novel. Thank you for your time.

i have to say- the concept is interesting. a bit of tweaking here and there will bring that out more clearly in the query