QUERY: The Land of Imagining

[Nicole Zoltack]

Query letters are so hard to get just right so I was hoping to get some help with mine:

Dear [insert agent's name]:

I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word fantasy young adult novel, THE LAND OF IMAGINING.

Alexia thinks she’s just an ordinary girl with a lofty goal – to become a best-selling novelist. But a magical pen and a story she writes about a mystical Land of Imagining blighted by evil challenges everything she knows. Alexia isn’t human, she’s an All-Knower, their Chosen One with the ability to control them with her pen.

Before she can write to save everyone, the leader of the demons steals the pen and captures her family, forcing her to travel to the fantasy land. In a race against time, Alexia must trust demons so she can find the demons’ secret lair and save her family, and people, before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.

[BasilZyllion]

Dear Nicole,

I just had the privalege of going to a query workshop with Query Shark and learned that all you need to say at the end of a query is Thank you for your consideration. And then your name. Very impressive premise! I was fighting with a similar one when I decided to table it because the boy with the purple crayon...you know the one, right? Had become such a hit. I hope you succeed!

Best of luck!

Basil.

[henyad]

Dear [insert agent's name]:

I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word fantasy young adult novel, THE LAND OF IMAGINING.Good first line. You have the word count, genre, and title. Simple and to the point.

Alexia thinks she’s just an ordinary girl with a lofty goal – to become a best-selling novelist. But a magical pen and a story she writes about a mystical Land of Imagining blighted by evil challenges everything she knows. Alexia isn’t human, she’s an All-Knower, their Whose? Chosen One with the ability to control them Who?with her pen.

Before she can write to save everyone, the leader of the demons Demons is a generalized concept. who are the demons> steals the pen and captures her family, forcing her to travel to the fantasy land.Again: "fantasy land" is a generalized image. In a race against time, Alexia must trust demons Is it demons with a capital D?so she can find the demons’ secret lair and save her family, and people, before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror. The most problematic for me is the lack of specificity. I like the story, but I'm not sure what it's about.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.I like the last line. It's polite.

[Nicole Zoltack]

Attempt #2:

Alexia thinks she’s just an ordinary girl with a lofty goal – to become a best-selling novelist. With the use of a magical pen, Alexia writes about a mystical Land of Imagining inhabited by a race called the All-Knowers. A great evil threatens the land - the Head Demon and Its minions seek to enslave and kill the All-Knowers. Alexia soon learns that she isn’t human, she’s an All-Knower, their Chosen One with the ability to control them with her pen and the only one who can save them..

Before she can write to save everyone, the Head Demons steals the pen and captures her family, forcing her to travel to her homeland. In a race against time, Alexia must trust demons so she can find the demons’ secret lair and save her family, and people, before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.

[MaryAnn]

I loved the query and the plot until, "...Alexa isn't human..."

I liked the idea until then. In my opinion it seems like nobody is human anymore and everyone is fighting a demon or a vampire.

Again, writing a story about a mystical land of imagining blighted by evil sounded great until, "...Alexa isn't human..."

Regarding last line: I went to a writer's conference in NY. The two agents who reviewed my query did not like being thanked so much. I had written almost the same thing you did. I can't remember why exactly, something to do with the fact that they are not doing me some kind of favor. That we are equals. Just say, Thank you, or not, up to you.

[thomasn]

Hi Nicole:
To tell the truth, your first query letter was difficult to read and follow. The revision was a bit better, but still there seems to be too much shoved in the query. Just the way I read it. Hope this helps.

[NicoleLee]

Dear [insert agent's name]:

I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word fantasy young adult novel, THE LAND OF IMAGINING. I would move this to right before "Thank you..."

Alexia thinks she’s just an ordinary girl with a lofty goal – to become a best-selling novelist. Comma But a magical pen and a story she writes about a mystical Land of Imagining blighted by evil challenges everything she knows. Alexia isn’t human, she’s an All-Knower, their Chosen One with the ability to control them with her pen.

Before she can write to save everyone, the leader of the demons steals the pen and captures her family, forcing her to travel to the fantasy land. In a race against time, Alexia must trust demons so she can find the demons’ Delete demons, replace with their secret lair and save her family, and people, before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.
Nicole Zoltack

Overall, I LOVE this story line!!! I can't wait to see it in the bookstores :)

[Nicole Zoltack]

Dear [insert agent's name]:

I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word fantasy young adult novel, THE LAND OF IMAGINING. I would move this to right before "Thank you..."

Alexia thinks she’s just an ordinary girl with a lofty goal – to become a best-selling novelist. Comma But a magical pen and a story she writes about a mystical Land of Imagining blighted by evil challenges everything she knows. Alexia isn’t human, she’s an All-Knower, their Chosen One with the ability to control them with her pen.

Before she can write to save everyone, the leader of the demons steals the pen and captures her family, forcing her to travel to the fantasy land. In a race against time, Alexia must trust demons so she can find the demons’ Delete demons, replace with their secret lair and save her family, and people, before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.
Nicole Zoltack

Overall, I LOVE this story line!!! I can't wait to see it in the bookstores :)

Thank you! :)

Attempt #3:

Dear [insert agent's name]:

With the use of a magical pen, Alexia, an aspiring novelist, writes about a mystical Land of Imagining inhabited by a race called the All-Knowers. A great evil threatens the land - the Head Demon and Its minions seek to enslave and kill the All-Knowers. Alexia soon discovers she is the All-Knowers' Chosen One, with the ability to control them with her pen.

Before she can write to save everyone, the Head Demons steals the pen and captures her family, forcing her to travel to the Land of Imagining. In a race against time, Alexia must trust demons so she can find the their secret lair and save her family, and people, before the Land of Imagining becomes the Land of Terror.

THE LAND OF IMAGINING is a 80,000-word fantasy young adult novel. Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. I look forward to hearing from you.

[Nicole Zoltack]

Hi Nicole:
To tell the truth, your first query letter was difficult to read and follow. The revision was a bit better, but still there seems to be too much shoved in the query. Just the way I read it. Hope this helps.

Aargh, conflicting advice. You think I have too much in the second version, but henyad had questions and wanted more information put into it. What do the rest of you think?