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johydai
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by johydai » February 19th, 2010, 12:18 pm

Query
_________________

Most girls dream of becoming a princess, but seventeen-year-old Nadine is not like most girls. When King Joseph announces at the annual Embers Ball that she has been chosen to marry his son Kellan, the ruthless and arrogant Prince of Embero, to satisfy his queen’s dying wish, Nadine does the one thing only she dares to do so: she runs.

In the course of her flight, with the greatest reward in living memory driving all to pursue her, Nadine is summoned by the magical forces of the White Witch Evangeline. With the fate of the world at stake, Nadine reluctantly accepts the task of protecting the Rebellion’s greatest treasure, the Last Dragon, against the bloodthirsty armies of Embero. Aided by aspiring soldier Robert and his magically talented sister Annabel, Nadine begins her perilous journey across the world of Earthea.

As Nadine gets acquainted with the Dragon, she discovers that he has a human soul and falls in love with him. She dreams of a future with the man behind the beast--if they can survive that long. But her love for the dragon is rivaled in intensity by King Joseph’s fear of death. He burns a path across the world of men to obtain the dragon’s golden vein--a filament in the dragon’s heart--that has the power to grant its consumer immortality.

Directed by his father, Prince Kellan is dispatched with the singular task of capturing the girl and the dragon she loves. But the prince has secrets and aspirations of his own: by day he may be his father’s right hand man, but by night he meets up with Nadine in the form of the Last Dragon.

__________________

Thank you,
Johydai
Last edited by johydai on February 20th, 2010, 9:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Brian_H
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by Brian_H » February 19th, 2010, 5:02 pm

It's changed quite a bit since the last time I read it, and I think it is much improved. Still there are a few things I would edit.


Most girls dream of becoming a princess, but Nadine is far from the typical seventeen-year-old maiden. When King Joseph announces at the annual Embers Ball that she must marry his son Kellan, the ruthless and arrogant Prince of Embero, to satisfy his queen’s dying wish, Nadine decides to choose her own future - and flees.

In the course of her flight, with the greatest reward in living memory driving the entire kingdom to pursue her, Nadine is magically summoned by the White Witch Evangeline. With the fate of the world at stake, and left with no other option, Nadine reluctantly accepts the task of protecting the Rebellion’s greatest treasure, the Last Dragon, against the bloodthirsty armies of Embero. Aided by aspiring soldier Robert and his spell weaving sister Annabel, the quartet begins their perilous journey across the world of Earthea.

As Nadine gets acquainted with the Dragon, she soon discovers his soul is human and falls in love with his (carefully disguised) (hidden) (gentle) spirit. Dreams of a future with the man behind the beast must be set aside, however, until they face the peril that lies ahead. Armed with her new found love, she prepares to make her stand against the armies of King Joseph.

Nadine's love for her dragon is rivaled only by King Joseph’s fear of death. His forces burn a path across the world of men to obtain the dragon’s golden vein--a filament in the dragon’s heart--that has the power to grant its consumer (owner?) immortality. Directed by his father, Prince Kellan is dispatched with the singular task of capturing the girl and the dragon she loves. But the prince has secrets and aspirations of his own: by day he may be his father’s right hand man, but by night he meets up with Nadine in the form of the Last Dragon.

Explanations
paragraph one: The sentences were good, but in my opinion they needed a little rework. The queen can probably be left out here, since it's the only time you mention her and it isn't critical to describing Nadine's predicament. Even if you decide not to go with any other change I suggest, you should redo the end of the last sentence; it's clunky.
paragraph two: The summoning sentence was a little choppy. I put "no other option" to explain why she'd accept a mission she doesn't want in the midst of a full out retreat. Maybe it's intuitive, but I asked myself when reading it if I would take on such a resposibility while I'm running from a whole nation. Switched to spell weaving because I used magically earlier in the paragraph. Quartet because it's not only Nadine now, all four set out on the quest from here.
paragraph three: reworded to emphasize the love she found gives her strength and underline its importance. Primarily to help transition into the next paragraph which talks about this love.
paragraph 4: Took out intensity. This is a judgment call but to me, love and fear are two of the most powerful emotions there are. Saying that these emotions are intense is probably not necessary. Changed to his forces because I wanted to combine the last two paragraphs into one. Since the prince is part of these forces, I think it works. Again a judgment call. If you want to highlight the prince's role as pursuer, then his own paragraph is probably okay.
It always seems impossible until it's done.

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johydai
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by johydai » February 20th, 2010, 9:52 am

LATEST QUERY
_____________________

Most girls dream of becoming a princess, but Nadine is far from the typical seventeen-year-old maiden. When King Joseph announces at the annual Embers Ball that she must marry his son Kellan, the ruthless and arrogant Prince of Embero, Nadine decides to choose her own future - and flees.

In the course of her flight, with the greatest reward in living memory driving the entire kingdom to pursue her, Nadine is magically summoned by the White Witch Evangeline. With the fate of the world at stake, and left with no other option, Nadine reluctantly accepts the task of protecting the Rebellion’s greatest treasure, the Last Dragon, against the bloodthirsty armies of Embero. Aided by aspiring soldier Robert and his spell-weaving sister Annabel, the quartet begins their perilous journey across the world of Earthea.

As Nadine gets acquainted with the Dragon, she soon discovers his soul is human and falls in love with his carefully disguised spirit. Dreams of a future with the man behind the beast must be set aside, however, until they face the peril that lies ahead. Armed with her new found love, she prepares to make her stand against the armies of King Joseph.

Nadine's love for her dragon is rivaled only by King Joseph’s fear of death. His forces burn a path across the world of men to obtain the golden vein--a filament in the dragon’s heart--that has the power to grant its consumer immortality. Directed by his father, Prince Kellan is dispatched with the singular task of capturing the girl and the dragon she loves. But the prince has secrets and aspirations of his own: by day he may be his father’s right hand man, but by night he meets up with Nadine in the form of the Last Dragon.
_______________

Thank you so much,
Johydai

CoachMT
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by CoachMT » February 20th, 2010, 10:50 am

Much better.

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johydai
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by johydai » February 21st, 2010, 10:09 am

thanks

Serzen
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by Serzen » February 21st, 2010, 12:18 pm

johydai wrote: Most girls dream of becoming a princess, but Nadine is far from the your typical seventeen-year-old maiden. When King Joseph announces at the annual Embers Ball that she must marry his son Kellan, the ruthless and arrogant Prince of Embero, Nadine decides to choose her own future/ - /and flees.

In the course of her flight, with the greatest reward in living memory driving the entire kingdom to pursue her, note 1 Nadine is magically note 2 summoned by the White Witch Evangeline. With the fate of the world at stake, and left with no other option, Nadine reluctantly accepts the task of protecting the Rebellion’s greatest treasure, the Last Dragon, against the bloodthirsty armies of Embero. Aided by aspiring soldier Robert and his spell-weaving note 3 sister Annabel, the quartet four begin/s/ their perilous journey across the world of Earthea. Subject verb agreement

As Nadine gets acquainted with the Dragon, she soon discovers his soul is human and falls in love with his carefully disguised spirit. Dreams of a future with the man behind the beast must be set aside, however, note 4 until they face the peril that lies ahead. Armed with her new found love, she prepares to make her stand against the armies of King Joseph.

Nadine's love for her dragon is rivaled only by King Joseph’s fear of death. His forces burn a path across the world of men to obtain the golden vein--a filament in the dragon’s heart--that has the power to grant its consumer immortality. Directed by his father, Prince Kellan is dispatched with the singular task of capturing the girl and the dragon she loves. But the prince has secrets and aspirations of his own: by day he may be his father’s right hand man, but by night he meets up with joins Nadine in the form of the Last Dragon.
Okay, notes first, then breakdown of the rest
1 The parenthetical clause here is very long. There was nothing wrong with "driving all to pursue her"; it conveys more information in fewer words. Using 'all' tells the reader that every bounty hunter in the world who's heard about this reward is going to be motivated, not just the locals.
2 If she's summoned by the White Witch to a secret place, it's likely that the summons was magical. I would scratch the adjective entirely.
3 You've ditched all reference to Nadine's water weaving powers, giving Annabel a fancy descriptor for her (still in training) powers is a little unfair to Nadine. If you want to give her a place in the party "...Robert and his sister, the young witch Annabel, the four..."
4 I think this is a little clumsy as phrased. What do you think about "But dreams of a future with the man behind the beast must be set aside until they have faced the peril that lies ahead." ? For one, the use of the future perfect indicates that the quest is ongoing at this point. By using the present continuous you make it read as though the Final Battle is just around the corner, which I don't believe it is just yet. Too, it rids you of the parenthetical however.

Alright, now for some other observations.
First paragraph. It might just be idiomatic but 'your' is more conventional when describing someone to someone else. "He's not your regular..." Last sentence, there's no need for any punctuation after future.

Second paragraph. "...the four begin their journey..." is grammatically correct, but it still doesn't jive with the "Aided" at the beginning of the sentence. I can't, at this moment, think of a way to start the sentence off that will lead to a change of subject. You could make this into two sentences or lose the bit about the four/quartet and just leave it as "...Nadine begins her..." Nadine is the main reason we're reading the book anyway.

Third paragraph. I think just the above note 4 is all for now.

Fourth paragraph. "Meets up with" or "joins"? Joins is shorter yet still says the same thing. Economy of words is important.

~Serzen
Il en est des livres comme du feu de nos foyers; on va prendre ce feu chez son voisin, on l’allume chez soi, on le communique à d’autres, et il appartient à tous. --Voltaire

KaylingR
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by KaylingR » February 21st, 2010, 4:17 pm

Johydai- I am very impressed with your revision work. You are so close! Overall, I think you've got it, you just need to get this under 200 words. Below are my suggestions. Take those that seem useful and ignore the rest. :)

new text
(remove text)

Most seventeen-year-old girls dream of (becoming a princess) marrying a prince, but Nadine is far from (the) typical (seventeen-year-old maiden). When the King (Joseph )announces (at the annual Embers Ball that) she must marry his son Kellan, the (ruthless and) arrogant Prince of Embero, Nadine (decides to choose her own future -– and) flees.

(In the course of her flight,) With (the greatest reward in living memory driving the) an entire kingdom (to pursue her) in pursuit, Nadine is (magically summoned ) saved by the White Witch Evangeline’s summons. With the fate of the world at stake, and (left with no other) few options, Nadine reluctantly (accepts the task of protecting ) agrees to protect (the Rebellion’s greatest treasure), the Last Dragon, (against) from the bloodthirsty armies of Embero. Aided only by an aspiring soldier (Robert )and his spell-weaving sister (Annabel, the quartet )Nadine (begins their perilous journey ) journeys across( the world of) Earthea.

On their travels, (As) Nadine (gets acquainted with the Dragon, she soon) discovers the Dragon‘s (his )soul is human and falls in love (with his carefully disguised spirit. Dreams of a future with the man behind the beast must be set aside, however, until they face the peril that lies ahead. Armed )Strengthened (with ) by (he)r new found love, she (prepares to make her) stands against the the King’s armies (of King Joseph).

(Nadine's love for her dragon is rivaled only by King Joseph’s fear of death. His) The King’s forces burn (a path) across the world of men to obtain the golden vein--a filament in the dragon’s heart.-(-that [)color=#0040FF]It[/color] has the power to grant (its consumer )immortality. (Directed by his father,) Prince Kellan is dispatched [by his father] (with the singular task of capturing ) to capture the girl and (the) her beloved dragon (she loves.) But the prince has secrets (and aspirations ) of his own: by day he may be his father’s (right hand ) man, but by night he meets (up with ) Nadine (in the form of ) as the Last Dragon.


So it would read:

Most seventeen-year-old girls dream of marrying a prince, but Nadine is far from typical. When the King announces she must marry his son Kellan, the arrogant Prince of Embero, Nadine flees.

Nadine is saved from an entire kingdom's pursuit by the White Witch Evangeline. With the fate of the world at stake, and few options, Nadine reluctantly agrees to protect the Last Dragon from the bloodthirsty armies of Embero. Aided only by an aspiring soldier and his spell-weaving sister, Nadine journeys across Earthea.

On their travels, Nadine discovers the Dragon‘s soul is human and falls in love. Strengthened by love, she tands against the the King’s armies.

The King’s forces burn across the world of men to obtain the golden vein--a filament in the dragon’s heart. It has the power to grant immortality. Prince Kellan is dispatched by his father to capture the girl and her beloved dragon. But the prince has secrets of his own: by day he may be his father’s man, but by night he meets Nadine as the Last Dragon.

Hope something here helps!
-K.

Ghost in the Machine
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Re: QUERY: THE LAST DRAGON (YA-Fantasy)

Post by Ghost in the Machine » February 22nd, 2010, 9:33 pm

Hi Johydai,

It’s been a while! This query is looking good. The first paragraph has really evolved. The only thing left to do is tighten things up. I’m probably repeating other's suggestions.

Most girls dream of becoming a princess, but Nadine is far from the typical seventeen-year-old maiden. When King Joseph announces at the annual Embers Ball that she must marry his son Kellan, the ruthless and arrogant Prince of Embero, Nadine decides to choose her own future - and flees.

Comment: Beautiful.

In the course of her flight, (with the greatest reward in living memory driving the entire kingdom to pursue her, – omit) Nadine is (magically – omit) summoned by the White Witch Evangeline. (With the fate of the world at stake, and left with no other option, - omit) Nadine (reluctantly – omit) accepts the task of protecting the Rebellion’s greatest treasure, the Last Dragon, against the bloodthirsty armies of Embero. Aided by aspiring soldier Robert and his spell-weaving sister Annabel, the quartet begins their (perilous – omit, it’s a cliché, if it wasn’t perilous, you wouldn’t have a story) journey across the world of Earthea.

As Nadine gets acquainted with the Dragon, she soon discovers his soul is human and falls in love with his carefully disguised spirit. Dreams of a future with the man behind the beast must be set aside. Instead, they must face the peril that lies ahead. Armed with (her –omit) new (found – omit) love, she prepares to make her stand against the armies of King Joseph.

Nadine's love for her dragon is rivaled only by King Joseph’s fear of death. His forces (armies?) burn a path across the world of men to obtain the golden vein--a filament in the dragon’s heart--that has the power to grant its consumer immortality. Following his father’s orders, Prince Kellan must capture the girl and the dragon she loves. But the prince has secrets and aspirations of his own: by day he may be his father’s right hand man, but by night he meets (up with – omit) Nadine in the form of the Last Dragon.

Whether you take these suggestions or not, you have come a long way! Happy querying.

Ghost in the Machine

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