Query critique - REVELATION: THE BOOK OF ANGEL- Revision 2

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BransfordGroupie
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Re: Query critique - Revelation - REVISED.

Post by BransfordGroupie » December 19th, 2009, 10:39 pm

Sorry.. double post (don't know how I did that).
Last edited by BransfordGroupie on December 20th, 2009, 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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REVELATION: The Book of Angel - First draft complete :-)
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c.ska
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Re: Query critique - Revelation - REVISED.

Post by c.ska » December 20th, 2009, 7:52 am

BF, I read your first draft a few days ago; didn't comment because you were already revising. Now, having read the second draft, I just wanted to add confusion, and possibly frustration to the process! To me, the first attempt works better as a query. Short, clear and snappy - my opinion is it only needed MINOR adjustments. Personally. I'd leave a more detailed plot outline for the synopsis. Then again, others may well disagree. Just a thought, that's all! I am no agent. I love the premise though. I can really see this going places. I can't open the book on your website, but once I manage I look forward to reading the first chapter! c.ska

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Re: Query critique - Revelation - REVISED.

Post by BransfordGroupie » December 20th, 2009, 5:27 pm

c.ska wrote:BF, I read your first draft a few days ago; didn't comment because you were already revising. Now, having read the second draft, I just wanted to add confusion, and possibly frustration to the process! To me, the first attempt works better as a query. Short, clear and snappy - my opinion is it only needed MINOR adjustments. Personally. I'd leave a more detailed plot outline for the synopsis. Then again, others may well disagree. Just a thought, that's all! I am no agent. I love the premise though. I can really see this going places. I can't open the book on your website, but once I manage I look forward to reading the first chapter! c.ska
Thanks C.

I was worried about that and will have another look at what I can cut out.

In the web site when you mouse-over the top right corner of the book, you will see the page curl. When that happens just click on it and the pages will turn.
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Re: Query critique - Revelation

Post by BransfordGroupie » December 21st, 2009, 4:24 am

Ok. So I submitted my first try for critique and received some really nice compliments. One in particular gave me quite a high. If that is how it feels just to get a pat on the back, then heaven help me when I score the real deal. I also really appreciated the tweaking tips. But what do I do? I go to town, write a two page mini-synopsis instead and freak out about posting it for all the world to see. Now that I have calmed down I have pulled that last one.

So. Please find my 3rd attempt. Hopefully this should be the last. Fingers crossed.

Dear [Insert agent's name],

[Insert personalized salutation].

From the day Angel is found naked, near death and without memory at Sunshine Estate (an asylum for troubled kids) the only link she has with her past is the little acorn clutched in her filthy hand.

Having outgrown Sunshine, sixteen-year-old Angel is forced to transfer to the gothic Wallace House. But not before ten year old ‘seer’ Titbuta Good prophesizes “You are three into one – you are trinity” and Angel begins to probe her forgotten past.

Upon arrival at Wallace she meets Eli (an autistic savant) who forms an anomalous bond with her resulting in his ability to reveal her secrets through his eerie paintings and sculptures. This bond is strengthened when Angel unknowingly uses her powers to shield him from the taunts of Troy (the resident bully) who is blinded during the incident.

Angel also meets the devilishly seductive Joe Granger (a forest ranger and future soul mate), who shares his wealth of stories of the supernatural, and confides his own ruined childhood dominated by his sadistic father.

Joe realizes that Angel’s arrival at Sunshine, Eli’s arrival at Wallace, and his own grizzly hunting initiation all occur on the same night. A night when the forest was flooded by the Lights of Aurora nine years ago.

Troy alerts scientists from a secret government laboratory who are seeking Angel and she is forced to flee in order to save her loved ones.

At first Angel’s pursuers are trailing a paranormally superior human, but when she changes and reveals a being not only supernatural but lethal, the villains taste her fury.

REVELATION: THE BOOK OF ANGEL is an 80,000 word young adult paranormal romance novel packed with twists, sub-plots and strong elements of suspense. The novel can stand alone though there is series potential.

I have included the first five pages for your consideration. Should you be interested in further reading please feel free to read the first chapters at http://www.revelationangel.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Angel Granger.
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saraho
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Re: Query critique - REVELATION: THE BOOK OF ANGEL- Revision 2

Post by saraho » December 22nd, 2009, 9:34 pm

Okay, I'm really not an expert AT ALL but I thought I'd put in my two cents just to help out. It's also really good editing practice :D

-------

Dear [Insert agent's name],

[Insert personalized salutation].

From the day Angel is found naked,I wonder if you can change the first sentence, which is a passive to active though. I mean you say "Angel is found" - who found her? It usually sounds better to say Character X active verbs Character Y, but again that's a personal judgement call. near death and without memory Also "without memory" sounds a bit awkward to me. Is there a better way you can say that?at Sunshine Estate (an asylum for troubled kids) I think it might be better to use two commas instead of parantheses: "Sunshine Estate, an asylum for troubled kids, the only link etc." But I'm not sure if agents care the only link she has with her past is the little acorn clutched in her filthy hand. I like this a lot. It sounds really cool and mysterious.

Having outgrown Sunshine, sixteen-year-old Angel is forced to transfer to the gothic Wallace House. Another passive. Again may not be a big deal, but It might be good to explore other ways of saying it. You can think about how Angel feels about this transfer and maybe use that to shape the sentence (ie) "Angel reluctantly prepares to transfer etc etc" Well that's just one example but definitely try stuff outBut not before ten year old ‘seer’ Titbuta Good prophesizes “You are three into one – you are trinity” and Angel begins to probe her forgotten past This last bit is a tad awkward. I don't think the 'and' works there and I feel like the phrases "Tituba prophesizes etc etc" and "Angel begins to probe her forgotten past" don't quite have that link joining them together. Why does Angel begin to probe her past after the prophecy? After all, Titbuta is just another troubled kid so Angel could just assume that's she's koo koo for Cocoa Pops and call it a day ;) You've got to somehow explain how the two are connected..

Upon arrival at Wallace she meets Eli (an autistic savant) who forms an anomalous I might be stupid but I don't know what that means lol. Simpler words are sometimes just as if not more powerful than bigger ones...then again I fail at vocab bond with her resulting in his ability to reveal her secrets through his eerie paintings and sculptures. again, "resulting in" just feels so academic. I'm not saying you should descend into purple prose because overly affected prose is annoying, but try to find something a bit snappier. Awesome idea though!This bond is strengthened when Angel unknowingly uses her powers to shield him from the taunts of Troy (the resident bully) who is blinded during the incident.Again too much passive makes what could be potentially kick ass in the manuscript sound kind of dull. Also I'm confused at how Angel's shielding Eli. At first I thought she was shielding him using some sort of magic but then it turns out she was shielding him from taunts (which I take to mean "verbal insults"), so then I thought okay maybe she's just sticking up for him. Troy being blinded just confuses everything. I'd make it clearer exactly what Angel is shielding Eli from and how. Then maybe leave off Troy's blinding all together or keep it in but only if you allude to its significance.

Angel also meets the devilishly seductive Joe Granger (a forest ranger and future soul mate) do you mean future soul mate literaly, like it's a part of the prophecy? Or is this tongue in cheek, like Angel sees him and is all like "I'm gonna have his babies. It is written." I'm guessing the former, but you should be a bit more clear because it is a potentially awkward statement otherwise. Also, if it is a part of the prophecy, does Angel KNOW? If she doesn't, I'm not sure you need to add it in here, who shares his wealth of stories of the supernatural with who?, and confides his own ruined childhood dominated by his sadistic father. I'm not sure if that last part is necessary as well.

Joe realizes that Angel’s arrival at Sunshine, Eli’s arrival at Wallace, and his own grizzly hunting initiation all occur edon the same night. since his hunting initiating is important, you should probably use this in your description of him above instead of the ruined childhood thing. If they're one in the same, you can combine the two, but definitely mention this before hand otherwise it'll just feel like it came out of nowhereA night when the forest was flooded by the Lights of Aurora nine years ago.

Troy alerts scientists from a secret government laboratory who are seeking Angel why?and she is forced to flee in order to save her loved ones. again why is she forced to flee?

At first Angel’s pursuers are trailing a paranormally superior human, but when she changes and reveals a being not only supernatural but lethal what being? It'd be a good idea not to be too vague here. Is she a werewolf? Shapeshifter?, the villains taste her fury.

REVELATION: THE BOOK OF ANGEL is an 80,000 word young adult paranormal romance novel packed with twists, sub-plots and strong elements of suspense. The novel can stand alone though there is series potential.

I have included the first five pages for your consideration. Should you be interested in further reading please feel free to read the first chapters at http://www.revelationangel.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

--


All in all, like I said before, I definitely like the sound of the story. It looks like you've got a lot of interesting elements. But the query itself might be too fractured. Like each paragraphs mentions something different about the story but there doesn't seem to be a flow to it. Whether you're writing an essay, a query, a manuscript or whatever, every sentence and paragraph has to logically lead into the other. Definitely try to get it all to flow.

I haven't even begun throwing my query into the agent fray yet so my query-writing skills haven't yet been validated. Still, I hope I helped a bit :D

Sarah
*~Sarah O.~*

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