Query: Folklore

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aspiring_x
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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by aspiring_x » February 10th, 2010, 11:17 pm

Yoshima wrote:[A brief exp., like three or four words or a tiny phrase, of why the ghost is haunting her would make it more powerful, me thinks. Or maybe integrate that into the sentence. Again, only tinkering with it will tell.I'm working on it.

how old of a child are we talkin' here? The judgmental skills sound pretty adult to me. Maybe clarify an ageGreat point! I didn't realize how that was reading.

Maybe set up the stakes of what would happen if she refuses. Will they burn her at stake, or kill her family? I think that will help get an agent foaming at the mouth to ask for pages. :) I'm working on this, too.

Getting warmer! :)That's good to know, because my hands are turning blue. Curse you high gas prices!
Yosh, thank you so much!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by aspiring_x » February 10th, 2010, 11:26 pm

I'm ashamed to admit it but I had to look up ellipsis, I never knew what they were called.
Exclamation marks are the sign of a deranged mind ;) Shoot! Just when I thought I beginning to blend in with the normals!

Thanks for the grammar help, as much as I check my work, I never feel confident in my grammar, and I'm a comma junkie,,,,,,

dig cloaked sociopaths, they're the best villains this side of, erm, uncloaked sociopaths, maybe. Laughed so loud I woke my son up!

An oodle of thanks, Serzen! I really appreciate it!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by aspiring_x » February 10th, 2010, 11:29 pm

Hi aspiring_x! hope my comments helpThey certainly did!
This sounds funny to me, I Imagine a face contorting, a body contorting, it's a strange image. Maybe something like her world or life becomes complicated?Working on that now!
Thanks Shadow!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by austincambridge » February 11th, 2010, 12:37 am

Just a couple of things I noticed.
aspiring_x wrote:Still too rough I know, but I'm ready for round 2. (I know Remus, it's still too long! I'm trying, really!)
Thanks again, you guys!

Dear Wonderful Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. She keeps her head down and stays out of trouble. She doesn’t know that trouble has been seeking her for generations, and now it has found her.

When Haley moves to a small town in Kansas, she discovers Beau, a homeless boy, sleeping in the shed behind her house. Beau's father and sister were murdered by a secret society that has controlled the town since its inception. His mother, The Mayor, (Is Mom the town's mayor or is this a nickname? If the former then 'The' is not capitalized) is the leader of the society, and now they are after him (Beau).

As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, her world contorts. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories are taken as historical accounts. Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home by night. And she is haunted by a spirit of one of the society’s victims.

Haley learns that a child witch helped form the society. When the child realized the evil that she helped create, she cursed them and fled the town. (What's the curse and how does it affect he secret society?) Since that day, the society has searched for a way to lift the curse. They orchestrated Haley’s move to town, because they believe that she is the heir of the child witch, and are determined to draw her into their ranks.

FOLKLORE is a 99,000 word YA Paranormal Fiction work. I sincerely appreciate your time!

-Vic

Ok, let her rip...

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by aspiring_x » February 11th, 2010, 12:47 am

[quote="austincambridge]Is Mom the town's mayor or is this a nickname? If the former then 'The' is not capitalized She is the mayor, but The Mayor is how Haley and Beau refer to her because he doesn't know what else to call her. He refuses to call her Mom, but calling her by her name feels too strange to him. So, in the book it's sort of like a villain title that developes amongst the group that is trying to thwart them. I dont' know, maybe I should just leave out all reference to her. It is SO HARD to murder your darlings. I feel like a butcher. Are my hands red?

What's the curse and how does it affect he secret society? I'm working on that, let me know if it's still too vague.[/quote]

Thanks for the help austin, and welcome to the forums!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by aspiring_x » February 11th, 2010, 12:51 am

THIS IS NOT THE NEWEST VERSION, SCROLL DOWN AND YOU'LL FIND IT...
COULD THE THIRD TIME BE THE CHARM? I DOUBT IT.
Here we go again. Thanks guys!

Dear Wonderful Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. She keeps her head down and stays out of trouble. She doesn’t know that trouble has been seeking her for generations... and now it has found her.

When Haley’s family moves to a small town in Kansas, she discovers a homeless boy named Beau sleeping in the shed behind her house. Beau's father and sister were murdered by a secret society that has controlled the town since its inception. His mother, The Mayor, is the leader of the society and now they are after him.

As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth morphs into reality. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories become historical accounts. Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home by night. The restless soul of one of the society’s victims reaches out to her, hoping that its guidance may one day be rewarded with eternal slumber.

Haley learns one of the founders of the society was a child witch. As she grew older, the witch realized the evil that they had become. She cursed the group and fled the town. Since that day, they have searched for a way to lift the curse.

The society orchestrated Haley’s move to town, because they believe that she is the heir of the child witch’s powers. They want her to break the curse that has held them at bay all these years. Haley knows that refusing their wishes puts everyone she loves in jeopardy. But if she succumbs, she’ll be unleashing them on the rest of the world.

FOLKLORE is a 99,000 word YA Paranormal Fiction work. I sincerely appreciate your time!

-Vic

And now I close my eyes and hit the submit button.
Last edited by aspiring_x on February 13th, 2010, 12:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

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christi
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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by christi » February 11th, 2010, 8:41 am

aspiring_x wrote:COULD THE THIRD TIME BE THE CHARM? I DOUBT IT.
Here we go again. Thanks guys!

Dear Wonderful Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. She keeps her head down and stays out of trouble. She doesn’t know that trouble has been seeking her for generations... and now it has found her.

When Haley’s family moves to a small town in Kansas, she discovers a homeless boy named Beau sleeping in the shed behind her house. Beau's father and sister were murdered by a secret society that has controlled the town since its inception. His mother, The Mayor, is the leader of the society and now they are after him. (Maybe a rewording here: Beau is on the run from a secret society that has murdered his father and sister. This society has controlled the town since its inception and is led by the mayor, his mother.)
As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth morphs into reality. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories become historical accounts. Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home by night. The restless soul of one of the society’s victims reaches out to her, hoping that its guidance may one day be rewarded with eternal slumber.

Haley learns one of the founders of the society was a child witch. As she grew older, the witch realized the evil that they had become. She cursed the group and fled the town. Since that day, they have searched for a way to lift the curse. (Maybe combine this thought with the next one? 'they have searched for a way to lift the curse, and believe they have found it through the heir of the child witch's powers: Haley.)

(Then start: 'Determined to break the curse that has held them at bay all these years, the society orchestrated Haley's move to town.' Or something to that effect. Really, what do I know?)
The society orchestrated Haley’s move to town, because they believe thatshe is the heir of the child witch’s powers. They want her to break the curse that has held them at bay all these years. Haley knows thatrefusing their wishes puts everyone she loves in jeopardy. But if she succumbs, she’ll be unleashing them on the rest of the world.

FOLKLORE is a 99,000 word YA Paranormal Fiction work. I sincerely appreciate your time!

-Vic

And now I close my eyes and hit the submit button.

I really just had a couple of suggestions. Ignore them if you wish. I crossed out all the 'that's because 'that' is considered an unnecessary word more often than not. Weird, I know. I was surprised when I took all of them out of my book and lost 400 words.
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

http://christigoddard.blogspot.com/

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by bcomet » February 12th, 2010, 3:06 pm

aspiring_x wrote:COULD THE THIRD TIME BE THE CHARM? I DOUBT IT.
Here we go again. Thanks guys!

Dear Wonderful Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. She keeps her head down and stays out of trouble. She doesn’t know that trouble has been seeking her for generations... and now it has found her. Great opening!

When Haley’s family moves to a small town in Kansas, she discovers a homeless boy named Beau sleeping in the shed behind her house. Beau's father and sister were murdered by a secret society that has controlled the town since its inception. His mother, The Mayor, I LOVE "The Mayor" is the leader of the society note: you might want to capitalize The Society and now they are after him.

As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth morphs into reality. I would use something more straight forward such as "reality gets complicated" or "all hell breaks loose" (although that is probably too cliche, something along that lines) etc. Outlandish journals local legends or something like that:, i.e. local stories, myths, etc. about witches and ghosts stories you don't need this twice become historical accounts"morph into reality." I like this phrase more here than where you used it previously.Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home by night. The restless soul of one of the society’s (I honestly don't know if I would capitalize this one as it doesn't seem to name "The Society" so much as to refer to it)victims reaches out to her, hoping that its guidance may one day be rewarded with eternal slumber.

Haley learns one of the founders of the society The Society was a child witch. As she grew older, the witch realized the evil that they had become. She cursed the group and fled the town. Since that day, they have searched for *a way* you may wish to say something like: one of her descendants to lift the curse.

The society The Society see how the capitalization makes it ominous? orchestrated Haley’s move to town, because they believe that she is the heir of the child witch’s powers. They want her to break the curse that has held them at bay all these years. Haley knows that refusing their wishes puts everyone she loves in jeopardy. But if she succumbs, she’ll be unleashing them on the rest of the world.

FOLKLORE is a 99,000 word YA Paranormal Fiction work. I sincerely appreciate your time!

-Vic

And now I close my eyes and hit the submit button.
I think this is very compelling even without my input so use or don't use.
And, please excuse my lack of understanding of the color etiquette. I am new at this too. I used the blue for comments and the red and strike through feature for edit suggestions.
I am learning here too and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your sharing your letter in progress here.
It has been very cool watching this query letter evolve.
Thanks!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by Serzen » February 12th, 2010, 11:31 pm

I'm going to try an experiment here and see what happens. Apologies in advance for being, well, you know, me. Green for comments
aspiring_x wrote: Sixteen-year-old Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. Cool. Nice, short, sharp, defines character. She keeps her head down and stays out of trouble. Again, snaps off, more definition. Fine by me. She doesn’t know that trouble has been seeking her for generations... and now it has found her. I think I prefer "it's" to "it has" here. It gives a little more zazz to the final clause.

When Haley’s family moves to a small town in Kansas Sorry, hate that comma she discovers a homeless boy named Beau sleeping in the shed behind her house. Beau's father and sister were murdered by a secret society that has controlled the town since its inception. His mother, The Mayor, is the leader of the society and now they are after him. Still dig The Mayor. Just like the way it pronounces "I am ominous."

As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth morphs into reality. 'Contorts' was fine here, morphs isn't bad. What about 'invades' or 'overtakes'? Lends layers of meaning, not just meaning. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories become historical accounts. Become or become taken or trusted as? An important distinction. Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home by night. Would prefer either "at night" or "each night", but that's me. The restless soul of one of the society’s victims reaches out to her, hoping that its guidance may one day be rewarded with eternal slumber.

Haley learns one of the founders of the society was a child witch. As she grew older, the witch realized the evil that they had become. I think I would choose "...the evil they had created." It rids you of a pesky 'that' and tells the reader that the society was evil from the get-go, but that the young child was unaware of it. Innocence, happiness, rainbows, blahblahblah. She cursed the group and fled the town. Might strike 'the'. Since that day, they have searched for a way to lift the curse. Would ditch the comma, not to say that it's implicitly wrong, but a matter of style. Also, might add a descriptor to 'day': "since that fateful/cursed/Fri day".

The society orchestrated Haley’s move to town totally nixed that comma, didn't belong because they believe that she is the heir of the child witch’s powers. You can lose 'the' and just leave Haley as "heir of the child witch's powers." You could be all gender specific and name her "heiress" if you wanted to, too. They want her to break the curse that has held them at bay all these years. I like "...for all these years." Haley knows that refusing their wishes puts everyone she loves in jeopardy. But if she succumbs Oh! another comma destroyed! she’ll be unleashing them on the rest of the world.

FOLKLORE is a 99,000 word YA Paranormal Fiction work. I sincerely appreciate your time!

-Vic

And now I close my eyes and hit the submit button.
Well. That was fun. I probably won't make a habit of commenting inline like this but how can one resist? The goal, obviously, was lightheartedness. You've done almost all of the heavy lifting already, you don't have far to go.

And, what's more important, I think I'd enjoy reading your book. Maybe it's only The Mayor, but, hey, I'll take what I can get in a world filled with Dan Brown and Terry Goodkind; not to mention the others I won't mention. It's totally unpolitic of me to name any names, I know, but too bad. You've interested me, go buy yourself a snack of your favorite variety.

~Serzen
Il en est des livres comme du feu de nos foyers; on va prendre ce feu chez son voisin, on l’allume chez soi, on le communique à d’autres, et il appartient à tous. --Voltaire

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by aspiring_x » February 13th, 2010, 12:29 am

Thanks christi for the that busting. I totally am going to try a round of that busting on my WIP (and justs... when I filtered the thing into wordle just was my second most used word.)
Thank you for all the advice bcomet! (and your color-coding was great. Very clear and understandable.)
Thanks for all your advice Serzen! You're a wordsmith, my friend. (not to mention thanks for nixing my commas) You wrote "Also, might add a descriptor to 'day': "since that fateful/cursed/Fri day". I'm still searching for the right word, but the Fri day made me laugh so hard!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by aspiring_x » February 13th, 2010, 12:32 am

NUMBER 4. BE BRUTAL...

Dear Wonderful Agent,
Sixteen-year-old Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. She keeps her head down and stays out of trouble. She doesn’t know trouble has been seeking her for generations... and now it’s found her.

When Haley’s family moves to a small town in Kansas she discovers a homeless boy named Beau sleeping in the shed behind her house. Beau's father and sister were murdered by a secret society that has controlled the town since its inception. His mother, The Mayor, is the leader of the society and now they are after him.
As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth overtakes reality. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories become trusted as historical accounts. Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home at night. The restless soul of one of the society’s victims reaches out to her, hoping its guidance may one day be rewarded with eternal slumber.

Haley learns one of the founders of the society was a child witch. As she grew older, the witch realized the evil they had created. She cursed the group and fled town. Since that day they have searched for a way to lift the curse.

The society orchestrated Haley’s move to town because they believe she is heir of the child witch’s powers. They want her to break the curse that has held them at bay for all these years. Haley knows refusing their wishes puts everyone she loves in jeopardy. But if she succumbs she’ll be unleashing them on the rest of the world.

FOLKLORE is a 99,000 word YA Paranormal Fiction work. I sincerely appreciate your time!

-Vic

Thank you so much for hanging in there and helping me so much, you guys!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by Serzen » February 13th, 2010, 2:26 pm

Okay, this edit is going to be totally BRUUUTALLL.
aspiring_x wrote: Sixteen-year-old Haley Martin doesn’t like conflict. She keeps her head down and stays out of trouble. She doesn’t know trouble has been seeking her for generations... and now it’s found her.

When Haley’s family moves to a small town in Kansas she discovers a homeless boy named Beau sleeping in the shed behind their new house. When she befriends this strange stray, Haley discovers that Beau's father and sister were murdered by a secret society that has controlled the town since its inception. His mother, The Mayor, is the leader of the society and now they are pursuing Beau.
{space between paragraphs}
As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth overtakes reality. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories become trusted as historical accounts. Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home at night. The restless soul of one of the society’s victims reaches out to her, hoping its guidance may one day be rewarded with eternal slumber.

Haley learns one of the founders of the society was a child witch. As she grew older, the witch realized the evil they see note had created. She cursed the group and fled town. Since that day they have searched for a way to lift the curse.

The society orchestrated Haley’s move to town because they believe she is heir of the child witch’s powers. They want her to break the curse that has held them at bay for all these years. Haley knows refusing their wishes puts everyone she loves in jeopardy. But if she succumbs she’ll be unleashing them on the rest of the world.
Wow, dude, that edit was totally Metal.

note: I would probably rather see something more definite than "they" here. "...the evil their conspiracy had created." sounds good to me, at least right now.

At the moment I don't see much else to harp on about, sorry.

~Serzen
Il en est des livres comme du feu de nos foyers; on va prendre ce feu chez son voisin, on l’allume chez soi, on le communique à d’autres, et il appartient à tous. --Voltaire

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by Lunetta22 » February 13th, 2010, 11:45 pm

I really like the latest version of your query. It seems like a fun read, I particularly like the opening sentence and this paragraph:
As Haley helps Beau and his friends try to put an end to the sinister order, myth overtakes reality. Outlandish journals about witches and ghost stories become trusted as historical accounts. Cloaked sociopaths chase her as she walks home at night. The restless soul of one of the society’s victims reaches out to her, hoping its guidance may one day be rewarded with eternal slumber.
Good job, and I wish you luck with this!

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by JTB » March 25th, 2010, 9:59 am

I'm wondering if you should cut to the chase here. The opening, to me, is pretty down beat. How about ~

.

When 16 yr old Haley Martin moves to a small town in Kansas she discovers Beau, a homeless boy, sleeping in the shed behind her house. From him she learns that a secret society controls the town and, believing that Haley is the heir of a child witch, they’ve orchestrated her move there, determined to draw her into their ranks. Haunted and pursued through the night Haley - usually someone who stays out of trouble - must decide: save herself, Beau and the Town or be lured into the ranks of a sinister cabal?

FOLKLORE is a 99,000 word YA Paranormal Fiction set in small town .... peopled with ghosts and .... etc etc. I sincerely appreciate your time!


Dunno if this is helpful at all, or i'm just an itch,
Last edited by JTB on March 26th, 2010, 6:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Query: Folklore

Post by kenpochick » March 25th, 2010, 4:57 pm

Wow, your query has gotten much better!

I just have a couple of questions.

If Beau's mom is the mayor, why are they after him? Did he do something to rebel?

What is the curse and how do they break it?

I think if you answer those questions it would help.

Great job!

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