Query Critique - OSAA

[Hillsy]

Please see the new revision below - marked with a Green heading

Hi guys.

So my final polish for my MS is just a few weeks from complete and I want to be set up for the new year to start sending it out into the big bad world of slush!!!
After 4 revisions I'm here with me query...looking not only for some tweaks, but some proper honesty. If you don't like the premise, say so. If you think the plot is old hat, say so. If it fills you with the same kind of ennui as paint shopping, say so. Just please please, please don't comment on the word count. it's a big book, I know that, but it also means, if the plot is the problem, I've got a lot more to play with than, say, a 70000 word-er.

So look at it this way. An Agent will sling it if the plot doesn't do it, regardless of the quality of the query...so I need to know (and get used to the kicks...hehe)

Right...nuff rambling....flame on!

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Dear Agent

Please consider for representation my 197000 word science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS.


Sometimes peace costs more than war. Layne is about to find out how high that price can be, and who will pay it.

Skirmishes between the ‘Cities’ and the ‘Gangs’ have occurred for centuries, fuelled by polarised ideologies and staged across the ravaged wastelands that isolate them. Yet when a Gang risks infiltrating Trachedae it’s not to strike at any of the City’s vital targets, but at Layne, a military trainee, and his fellow recruits. Something lies hidden beneath the façade of Gang activity.

Cocksure and rebellious, Layne jumps at the offer to ratify the investigation into the Gangs sudden boldness. However, he discovers is someone of power and authority within the City instrumental in planning the Gang attack and that he is being set up to take the fall, covering a plot to shift the balance of power in the Gang’s favour.

Forced to flee Trachedae, Layne’s only hope for redemption is venturing behind enemy lines and free the recruits treachery fed into Gang hands. But precious little he believes about the Gangs is true. Reconciling his preconceptions is imperative to staying alive; yet doing so could doom not just his classmates, but the whole of Trachedae, to destruction.

What was a conflict of thrusts and parries teeters on the brink of open war, but peace will be more cataclysmic than either side suspects. That is, if Layne can’t stop it first.


Please find included a synopsis, SASE and the first 5 pages of my manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you

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Thanks guys

[shadow]

Hello Hillsy! I will do my best to critique your query. Now I don't want to comment on your wordcount but I have to say that you should really try to cut it down. You can try to query with that
but if you have not before published a novel, oh I don't know. anyway here is my novice advice :) take it or leave it.

Dear Agent

Please consider for representation my 197000 word science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS.


Sometimes peace costs more than war. Layne is about to find out how high that price can be, and who will pay it. I would say to be more specific here. Let the plot shine through. By reading this sentence I don't really know what the stroy will be about. Try asking yourself: what is your protagonists goal? how will they achieve it and what will come in their way?

Skirmishes between the ‘Cities’ and the ‘Gangs’ have occurred for centuries, fuelled by polarised ideologies and staged across the ravaged wastelands that isolate them. Yet when a Gang risks infiltrating Trachedae it’s not to strike at any of the City’s vital targets, but at Layne So I still don't really imagine Layne well. Is he young?, a military trainee, and his fellow recruits. Something lies hidden beneath the façade of Gang activity.

Cocksure and rebellious, Layne jumps at the offer to ratify the investigation into the Gangs sudden boldness. However, he discovers is someone of power and authority within the City instrumental in planning the Gang attack and that he is being set up to take the fall, covering a plot to shift the balance of power in the Gang’s favour.

Forced to flee Trachedae, Layne’s only hope for redemption is venturing behind enemy lines and free the recruits treachery fed into Gang hands. But precious little he believes about the Gangs is true.The wording for that sentence is a bit awkward. Reconciling his preconceptions is imperative to staying alive; yet doing so could doom not just his classmates, but the whole of Trachedae, to destruction.

What was a conflict of thrusts and parries teeters on the brink of open war, but peace will be more cataclysmic than either side suspects. That is, if Layne can’t stop it first.


Please find included a synopsis, SASE and the first 5 pages of my manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks guys

Overall sounds like a very interesting idea. Like I said take my advice or leave it but I would have to suggest to really let the plot shine through. I don't fully get what the book is about other than Layne is trying to make peace and the gangs are in his way. Might be just me though! lol I wish you the best of luck!

[Josin]

Almost 200,000 words? I really think you want to cut that by a novel's length.

[Krista G.]

On the whole, I like this. But there were a few grammatical problems that really hung me up.

Dear Agent

Please consider for representation my 197000 word science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS.


Sometimes peace costs more than war. Layne is about to find out how high that price can be, and who will pay it.

Skirmishes between the ‘Cities’ and the ‘Gangs’ have occurred for centuries, (I think the quotation marks are unnecessary here; the capitalization's good enough) fuelled by polarised ideologies and staged across the ravaged wastelands that isolate them. Yet when a Gang risks infiltrating Trachedae it’s not to strike at any of the City’s vital targets, but at Layne, a military trainee, and his fellow recruits. Something lies hidden beneath the façade of Gang activity.

Cocksure and rebellious, Layne jumps at the offer to ratify the investigation into the Gang's sudden boldness. (Note the added apostrophe) However, what he discovers is someone of power and authority within the City instrumental in planning the Gang attack and that he is being set up to take the fall, covering a plot to shift the balance of power in the Gang’s favour.

Forced to flee Trachedae, Layne’s only hope for redemption is venturing behind enemy lines and free the recruits treachery fed into Gang hands. I can't tell if this sentence has a grammatical problem or a communication one - I suspect both. But precious little he believes about the Gangs is true. Reconciling his preconceptions is imperative to staying alive; yet doing so could doom not just his classmates, but the whole of Trachedae, to destruction.

What was a conflict of thrusts and parries teeters on the brink of open war, but peace will be more cataclysmic than either side suspects. That is, if Layne can’t stop it first.


Please find included a synopsis, SASE and the first 5 pages of my manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you

I like that last paragraph quite a bit, and I think this could be interesting. To be honest, I don't see a lot here that differentiates it from everything else on the market, but I don't see too much that reminds me of something else, either. So hopefully it'll fly.

Good luck with this!

[KappaP]

Please consider for representation my 197000 word science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS.


Sometimes peace costs more than war. Layne is about to find out how high that price can be, and who will pay it.

Skirmishes between the ‘Cities’ and the ‘Gangs’ have occurred for centuries, fueledby polarised if in the US, 'polarized'ideologies and staged across the ravaged wastelands that isolate them. Yet when a Gang risks infiltrating Trachedae it’s not to strike at any of the City’s vital targets, but at Layne, a military trainee, and his fellow recruits. Something lies hidden beneath the façade of Gang activity. This sentence doesn't do it for me for a lot of reasons but it just seems so unspecific-- why are military recruits SUCH an unlikely target that it hints at conspiracy (which is, I assume what you're trying to hint is 'hidden behind the fascade?)

Cocksure eee... maybe just me, but I'd try to find another word.and rebellious, Layne jumps at the offer to ratify the investigation into the Gangs sudden boldness. However, he discovers is someone of power and authority within the City instrumental ae-- sentence doesn't make sense-- you either need to say "however, he discovers someone of power" OR "what he discovers is" or "someone of power is" in planning the Gang attack and that he who, Layne? is being set up to take the fall, covering a plot to shift the balance of power in the Gang’s favour.

Forced to flee Trachedae, Layne’s only hope for redemption is venturing behind enemy lines and free the recruits treachery fed into Gang hands.A) redemption from what...? was the attack stopped? you say he was 'being set up' to take the fall-- did he? B) are these the same recruits from the first paragraph? C) why is this his only hope for redemption? But precious little he believes about the Gangs is true. Reconciling his preconceptions is imperative to staying alive; yet doing so could doom not just his classmates, but the whole of Trachedae, to destruction. I honestly just don't know what this is saying. Doing so what? Reconciling his preconceptions? Staying alive?

What was a conflict of thrusts and parries teeters on the brink of open war, but peace will be more cataclysmic than either side suspects. That is, if Layne can’t stop it first. This is where you've totally lost me. You both start and end the query with referencing peace as being costly-- but then never expand on that. Do you consider the Cities and Gangs currently at peace? Or in war? Is Layne's objective to PREVENT war or CAUSE war? Which is he trying to stop, open war or peace? This is an intriguing concept but I'm left with a boatload of questions. Firstly, you haven't made it clear why open war is about to break out. Secondly, you haven't indicated why peace is a cataclysmic option. Third, I have no idea what Layne's objective is.


Please find included a synopsis, SASE and the first 5 pages of my manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you

Okay. I think this is a cool concept and I definitely like the idea of there being separate civilizations/codes of ethics for Cities versus Gangs (kind of reminds me of the Fremen from Dune for some reason?) and I certainly am intrigued by the idea of peace being a more destructive option than war for a culture.

Things I like about this query: it's short. It's not a run down of plot. The writing, overall is strong.
Things I think you can work on: You are trying to set up a sense of intrigue which I appreciate, but don't sacrifice relevant details of the plot to do so. I know this 100% makes sense to you, but to someone who hasn't read the book, even if I can figure out what Layne is doing (target of attack, going to rescue recruits) I have no idea why he's doing it or what his stakes are. Put in a few more clarifying details on those fronts and I think it'll be a lot stronger.
Also, where is Trachedae? When I first read this it struck me as very post-apocalyptic Earth, but then I re-read sci fi and am wondering if it is a totally separate realm?

Good luck! I look forward to reading a revision, this has a lot of potential to be interesting.

[Nathan Bransford]

Dear Agent

Please consider for representation my 197000 word science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS.


Sometimes peace costs more than war. Layne is about to find out how high that price can be, and who will pay it.

Skirmishes between the ‘Cities’ and the ‘Gangs’ have occurred for centuries, fuelled by polarised ideologies and staged across the ravaged wastelands that isolate them. Yet when a Gang risks infiltrating Trachedae it’s not to strike at any of the City’s vital targets, but at Layne, a military trainee, and his fellow recruits. Something lies hidden beneath the façade of Gang activity.

Cocksure and rebellious, Layne jumps at the offer to ratify the investigation into the Gangs sudden boldness. However, he discovers is someone of power and authority within the City instrumental in planning the Gang attack and that he is being set up to take the fall, covering a plot to shift the balance of power in the Gang’s favour.

Forced to flee Trachedae, Layne’s only hope for redemption is venturing behind enemy lines and free the recruits treachery fed into Gang hands. But precious little he believes about the Gangs is true. Reconciling his preconceptions is imperative to staying alive; yet doing so could doom not just his classmates, but the whole of Trachedae, to destruction.

What was a conflict of thrusts and parries teeters on the brink of open war, but peace will be more cataclysmic than either side suspects. That is, if Layne can’t stop it first.


Please find included a synopsis, SASE and the first 5 pages of my manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks guys

Thanks for sharing your query!

- I agree with others that 197,000 might be a little problematic. Are you sure you can't cut it down?
- Lots of times authors try to start with a movie-poster-esque tag line, and you have one here: "Sometimes peace costs more than war. Layne is about to find out how high that price can be, and who will pay it." Other agents may feel differently, but this often feels a tad gimmicky to me and a bit overdone. I just want to hear what the story is about.
- "Skirmishes between the ‘Cities’ and the ‘Gangs’ have occurred for centuries, fuelled by polarised ideologies and staged across the ravaged wastelands that isolate them." - I'm afraid I had a hard time digesting this. Who/what are the cities and gangs? And the "them" didn't make sense to me. Who is "them?" The ideologies? The Cities and Gangs?
- "the offer to ratify the investigation into the Gangs sudden boldness" - I'm not sure I understand what this means
- "he discovers is someone of power" or this
- "free the recruits treachery fed into Gang hands" or this

I think some more clarity in this query will go a long way. Good luck!

[Joel Q]

Several folks mentioned being more clear. I agree.

The question I have is, does Lyane's motivation change in the story. To me it sounds like it might because you mention he doens't know much about the "Gangs" and to me that reads like he might switch sides. Or at least learn something that will change is perspective on the situation, and let the war happen. Is that the decision he has to make, because if it is, I think it needs to be in the query.

Or I am just reading this whole thing wrong.

JQ

[kristi]

Other people have already commented on the grammatical/clarification issues that I noticed. As far as the length, I was wondering if you considered if it could be more than one book - a la Twilight. Maybe you have enough plot that you could break it into several books (if you think you can't cut it down) - and then only query the first one. Just an idea.

[kristi]

Oh, forgot to mention that I really like your story concept so I do think you have a strong idea there. :)

[Hillsy]

Well I got ripped a new one...and by Nathan himself!!...Damn you man I thought you was a cool guy n all....hehe

Seriously though, thanks so much for all you input (extra thanks to KappaP! Never had anything so in-depth before.) - after reading everything through I realised exactly what I had done. It was a little bit like overcooking a bolognaise sauce. I'd boiled off so much, trying to get more and more meaning out of fewer and fewer words, reducing it down to the purest form possible, I hadn't realised that all I'd done was create fantastically intense, carbonised crap. Sometimes a good kick in the arse is exactly what one needs to realise it.

I wont answer any of your specific questions, I'm working on a revision now so I've got to answer them all in there (Or remove them of course). But although I wanted to avoid the white elephant in the room - word count - I suppose I ought to try and ping a riposte at that.

Well I have revised....thoroughly....the original MS was 287000 words and I spent many a night weeping as I "murdered my children" (words, not actual children) sometimes so much so it was tantamount to genocide at times. I totally realise it's a drawback (I had hoped it would come shining through in the query exactly how in depth it was....whoops!...hehe) potentially a fatal one, but I also realise not everything I write has to be published. I want to stay true to the plot, and my voice, and if this one doesn't make it, I'm working on three others that might (all smaller mind...hehe). I can but make it as good as I can and send it out. Someone, somewhere, might think the word count is surmountable. Also I'm going to be an ungracious nob and post this link http://dglm.blogspot.com/2009/11/chasya ... count.htmlcos I'm a smart arse like that.

But you've pleased me no end guys - especially those who liked the concept (what little I got across anyway...hehe). That was something that really terrified me. Anyways...back to my query overhaul and I'll post it on in a bit.

Thanks again everyone!!!

[Hillsy]

Please see the new revision below - marked with a Green heading

OK...well I've rewritten the entire thing and tried to take on board everyones polite, helpful suggestions....sooo.....here goes....

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Dear Agent

Please consider for representation my 197000 word science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS.


Society, polarised by ideologies, exists in perpetual state of war that neither side win. Forced into stalemate by the harsh, unremitting wastelands separating them, the Gangs and the Cities are reduced to petty raids and squabbling for resources.

Layne barely survived the latest Gang strike, a bold and ambitious assault on the City’s military facility, the Garrison. Rebellious, altruistic and still halfway through his training, Layne is surprised when he’s thrust into the role of investigator by his superiors, tasked with uncovering possible compromises in Garrison security. However, someone else, someone with power and authority, has another role for him: Traitor.

Framed as a conspirator and without sufficient proof of his innocence, Layne’s only choice is to flee, and there’s only one place he can run to - the Gangs. If Layne is to derail the Gang’s plans to tilt the war irrevocably in their favour and clear his name, he must set aside his prejudices and understand his enemies. But doing so will colour his whole view of the Gangs and put his life, and the future of the Cities, in jeopardy.

Someone is also hatching a plot, one that will end the war and forge peaceful ties between the Cities and the Gangs and if Layne can’t stop it, it will prove more cataclysmic than either side could possible imagine.


Please find included a synopsis, SASE and the first 5 pages of my manuscript.

I look forward to hearing from you

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Again all comments are welcome (though if you can leave the word count issue at the door on your way in that'd be great!), the harsher the better - the battering I got from the first effort was totally invaluable....I hope...heheh.

Thanks again

[Joel Q]

Nice revision.
The story flow much better.

But I still like the line from the first one, "Sometimes peace costs more than war." To me, it gives the story a deeper theme.

Something, a word, seems to be missing from... "state of war that neither side win."

We know someone from the Cities framed Layne.
But you keep the source of the other secret 'peace' plan from us. Why? Just wondering b/c it may or may not impact the query.

Your title mentions Angels, are the angels in the story? If so, why not in the query?

And you still need to think about the word count or think about creating two or three books.

[Josin]

Your word count is going to negate your query. 197,000 words is TOO LONG.

[KappaP]

I will leave the word count alone. :) And I think this is a great revision, nice job!

Please consider for representation my 197000 word science fiction novel, OF SHADOWS AND ANGELS.


Society, polarised by ideologies, exists in aperpetual state of war that neither side canwin. Forced into stalemate by the harsh, unremitting wastelands separating them, the Gangs and the Cities are reduced to petty raids and squabbling for resources.

Layne barely survived the latest Gang strike: a bold and ambitious assault on the City’s military facility, the Garrison. Rebellious, altruistic and still halfway through his training, Layne is surprised when he’s thrust into the role of investigator by his superiors and tasked with uncovering possible compromises in Garrison security. However, someone else- someone with power and authority- has another role for him: Traitor.

Framed as a conspirator and without sufficient proof of his innocence, Layne’s only choice is to flee, and there’s only one place he can run to - the Gangs. If Layne is to derail the Gang’s plans to tilt the war irrevocably in their favour and clear his name, he must set aside his prejudices and understand his enemies. But doing so will colour his whole view of the Gangs and put his life, and the future of the Cities, in jeopardy.
this paragraph still leaves me confused-- actually, scratch that, i just read it for the 4th time and got it. i think you need to add something at the end of the the third sentence like "he must set aside his prejudices and understand his enemy in order to betray them. Because otherwise I have to re read it (with an anthropologists eye to boot) and it still takes me a few times.

Someone is also hatching a plot, one that will end the war and forge peaceful ties between the Cities and the Gangs and if Layne can’t stop it, it will prove more cataclysmic than either side could possible imagine. i almost want to just say leave this out. it's a whole different plot line and throwing it in at the end is just like WHAT? and you don't have the space to explain it. i know it's an interesting theme and i'm curious what it's about, but i just dont see it being possible to effectively court both plot lines in a query.

Great revision, definitely a lot tighter.

[Joel Q]

Sorry, I didn't see the note about the word count.
JQ