Query Letter Critique - Revised 2x

[mirror-egami]

Hello fine ladies and gentleman of the forum. It is my first post, and I hope no offense is taken that it's a query posted for critique. I will gladly go through and offer whatever advice that I can to those I feel I can help while I'm here, but at the moment I feel I play the role of novice rather than mentor or advisor. Without further delay, the dreaded query.
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REVISION

Unable to reproduce, mankind is driven to near extinction over the course of a generation. The small population that remains tries to rebuild, but after a century their efforts are complicated when strays, a population hiding in the southern wilderness, remnants of radical hate groups and militias, emerge from the forests deformed and driven mad by excessive inbreeding. They’re in need of women that can bear them children, and will take them by force if necessary to fulfill their commandment of “be fruitful and multiply.”

When the strays take Warren Pierce’s daughter Katey, he leaves the safety of civilization behind on a quest to bring her home. Unfortunately few people, if any, know exactly where the strays are camped. While following a lead that brings him to an outlaw colony, Warren confronts and kills two men that work for a rogue governor, Calvin Schroeder. Warren knows Schroeder will send men to pursue him, and that’s fine. Let them come.

Schroeder is dealing with troubles beyond Warren leaving a trail of bodies behind him. An old “friend”, Isaiah, informs him that the strays are giving up their camps and wish to settle in his colony, Memphis. The idea of an army of deranged child-men walking the streets of his fledgling colony drives him to desperation. If he allows them to settle, his people will revolt. If he refuses, they will lay waste to his colony.

Warren is unaware how important Schroeder’s long shot solution is to finding his daughter.

THE CULLING, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words.

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Second try

Warren Pierce will do anything, and has, to find his daughter Katey. The strays, disfigured and dangerous after two centuries of inbreeding, have her. They took her and left he and his wife tied in separate rooms of their burning home. He sits alone in an abandoned gas station the locals have converted into a tavern. He is waiting for strangers, men he will recognize only by their conversation. He’s been told they know where the strays have camped. Two men enter the tavern, one bragging about his conquests during a raid on a nearby colony. Warren listens, smiling at the floor because he’s found them, and they know what he needs them to know. Warren makes them talk. One, the big bastard glaring at him with hatred that could melt glass through the only good eye he has left, tells Warren the strays are camped in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Warren leaves the two men on the filth caked ceramic floor in pools of their own blood.

Warren sets off along a thin stretch of forest that was once highway 72. He thinks of the picture in his pocket, of Katey. He wants to look at it, but can’t. It’s been this way for longer than he can remember, and it troubles him. He’ll look at it after he finds her, after he snuffs the life out of everything around her. He knows the man the big bastard mentioned was in charge, Schroeder, will pursue him, and that’s fine. Let them come.

THE CULLING, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words. It is set in a world where mankind was driven to near extinction over the course of a generation. The small population that survived has tried to rebuild in the century since the last of the great generation died, but the efforts are complicated when a population hiding in the southern wilderness, remnants of radical hate groups that quarantined themselves when the culling began two centuries ago, emerge from the forests deformed and driven mad by excessive inbreeding. They’re in need of women outside their gene pool, and will take them by force if necessary.

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OLD QUERY
Warren Pierce will do anything, and has, to find his daughter. The strays, disfigured and dangerous, kidnapped her during the course of a raid on a colonial outpost near Lake Meredith. He now sits in an abandoned gas station the locals have converted into a tavern. He is waiting for strangers, men he will recognize only by their conversation. He’s been told they know where the strays have camped, information that has eluded him for longer than he’s willing to remember.

Warren now knows the strays are camped in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains and begins his journey along a thin stretch of forest that was once highway 72.

A generations long event known as the culling drove mankind to near extinction little more than two hundred years before Warren finds himself in the gas station in colonial Memphis. It was the work of one man, James Hammond.

James lays in bed, staring at his bedroom ceiling into the face of the voice. The face stares back at him painted with a demented cousin of the smile. For three years he and his wife have struggled with the loss of their first born son, Tyler. When James loses his only remaining son the voice’s whispers become impossible to ignore.

[TITLE], a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words. The first five pages follow my contact information.

[Contact info here]

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Lay it on me, I have thick skin! ;)

[tameson]

Not a professional and have yet to even write my own but my initial take:

The strays kinda confused me. They are important, but I am not really sure if they are human or what. The present tense is the correct tense, but it is too present tense for me. Now he sits in a bar, now he knows the location. Sorry if my crit doesn't make sense. The way it is phrased stops me in a moment instead of flowing like a story should.

Too detailed in some places: colonial outpost near Lake Meredith is more then I need to know at this stage- esp since there are so many important details I don't know. The abandoned gas station made into a tavern is too detailed or not enough (depending on its importance and if there is anything special about it).

When it switches to James' story I feel like I have been jerked around. Who is this story about: James or Warren? If there is a frame story, pick one and focus on that (Nathan talks about this in the ask Nathan thread- around page 23 maybe (just guessing- somewhere in the 20s though).

[Tycoon]

Here is Nathan's response to me on frame stories - hope it clears things up if this is a frame!


Re: Ask Nathan

Postby Nathan Bransford » 28 Jan 2010, 18:56

Tycoon wrote:Hello Nathan,

I have a Query Quandary that I believe has not been talked about -- Frame stories or a story within a story.

I am receiving conflicting advice about how to write a proper query for my novel which is a frame story.

For example: Story "A" is the first and last chapter of the novel and Story "B" is every chapter in the middle. Story "B" is an Allegory for story "A" and neither story can stand alone.

So in this circumstance what would an agent care more about in the query?
1) Story "A"
2) Story "B"
3) Both stories "A" and "B"

So if the answer is either Story "A" or Story "B" and not both -- then is it acceptable to write in the query that this is a frame story so the agent knows?

Any clarification would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,



I think you may be overthinking this. Everyone has to distill their story into its essence. It sounds like the essence of your story is what you call Story B. You don't have to cram everything into the query!

And if you're worried about how the sample pages will read, if you call the opening a prologue an agent isn't going to expect that it necessarily relates directly to the main plot.

[TheShadow]

I agree with the above posters, I am really confused as to what's going on at the end of the query. I have no idea what the sudden change in POV means and it kills it for me. Tycoon has some info there for you if it's relevant, otherwise I would need your explanation for the last to paragraphs in the query.

[Tycoon]

Okay, I'm gonna get mean on this!!!!
Just remember this is just my 2 cent - and yes I want change back!

Hello fine ladies and gentleman of the forum. It is my first post, and I hope no offense is taken that it's a query posted for critique. I will gladly go through and offer whatever advice that I can to those I feel I can help while I'm here, but at the moment I feel I play the role of novice rather than mentor or advisor. Without further delay, the dreaded query.

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First, don't indent in a query!


Warren Pierce will do anything to rescue (Insert her name here), his kidnapped daughter - even torture, maim, or kill - and that's exactly what he intends to do upon learning the Strays, a disfigured and dangerous race, were the ones responsible for taking her against her will.

Desperate to find anyone with knowledge about (insert daughters name here)whereabouts, Warren finds himself seeking information about the Strays in a old tavern, which was formally a gas station. Biding his time under the veil of cigarette smoke and twangy hillbilly jukebox music, Warren eavesdrops on the local patrons as they sate themselves on cheap booze and talk much too loud. Finally, his patience pays off when a one-eyed, two-toothed, and three-fingered redneck brags about knowing the location of the Strays.

Armed with more than just the information that has eluded him for longer than he’s willing to remember, Warren sets off for the Strays hideout in the Appalachian Mountains with just two intentions. One: rescuing his daughter from the Strays, and two: making the ones who took (insert said daughters name here) pay.

James lays in bed, staring at his bedroom ceiling into the face of the voice. The face stares back at him painted with a demented cousin of the smile. For three years he and his wife have struggled with the loss of their first born son, Tyler. When James loses his only remaining son the voice’s whispers become impossible to ignore.

[TITLE], a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words. The first five pages follow my contact information.

[Contact info here]

Now, just for fun I took great liberties with your query to spice it up... You can use or ignore anything I have said. What I wrote is far from perfect but maybe it can point you in the right direction.

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Lay it on me, I have thick skin! ;)

[mirror-egami]

First, to all of you, thank you. It is true that James is the lead character in a story within a story which makes up nearly one third of the book. I'll give it another go without him.

[mirror-egami]

Second try, some explanatory info after the initial query.
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Warren Pierce will do anything, and has, to find his daughter Katey. The strays, disfigured and dangerous after two centuries of inbreeding, have her. They took her and left he and his wife tied in separate rooms of their burning home. He sits alone in an abandoned gas station the locals have converted into a tavern. He is waiting for strangers, men he will recognize only by their conversation. He’s been told they know where the strays have camped. Two men enter the tavern, one bragging about his conquests during a raid on a nearby colony. Warren listens, smiling at the floor because he’s found them, and they know what he needs them to know. Warren makes them talk. One, the big bastard glaring at him with hatred that could melt glass through the only good eye he has left, tells Warren the strays are camped in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Warren leaves the two men on the filth caked ceramic floor in pools of their own blood.

Warren sets off along a thin stretch of forest that was once highway 72. He thinks of the picture in his pocket, of Katey. He wants to look at it, but can’t. It’s been this way for longer than he can remember, and it troubles him. He’ll look at it after he finds her, after he snuffs the life out of everything around her. He knows the man the big bastard mentioned was in charge, Schroeder, will pursue him, and that’s fine. Let them come.

THE CULLING, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words. It is set in a world where mankind was driven to near extinction over the course of a generation. The small population that survived has tried to rebuild in the century since the last of the great generation died, but the efforts are complicated when a population hiding in the southern wilderness, remnants of radical hate groups that quarantined themselves when the culling began two centuries ago, emerge from the forests deformed and driven mad by excessive inbreeding. They’re in need of women outside their gene pool, and will take them by force if necessary.

[Dankrubis]

Second try, some explanatory info after the initial query.
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Warren Pierce will do anything, and has, to find his daughter Katey. The strays, I think strays should be capitalized here? Are Strays the name of a group of people? disfigured and dangerous after two centuries of inbreeding, have her. They took her and left he and his wife tied in separate rooms of their burning home. Need to start a new paragraph here. He sits alone in an abandoned gas station the locals have converted into a tavern. He is waiting for strangers, men he will recognize only by their conversation. He’s been told they know where the strays have are instead of have? camped. Two men enter the tavern, one bragging about his conquests during a raid on a nearby colony The way you've structured this sentence makes it sound like you're gonna talk about what both men speak of. "Two men enter..., one bragging... the other...". Warren listens, smiling at the floor because he’s found them, and they know what he needs them to know. Odd wording here, kinda trips the reader up. He's smiling at the floor because he's found them and they know what he needs them to know? Remember, less is more. Try to make sentences as clear and fluid as possible. Warren makes them talk. One, the big bastard glaring at him with hatred that could melt glass through the only good eye he has left, tells Warren the strays are camped in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Warren leaves the two men on the filth hyphen should be here, methinks caked ceramic floor in pools of their own blood. Yay, murder.

Warren sets off along a thin stretch of forest that was once highway 72. He thinks of the picture in his pocket, of Katey. He wants to look at it, but can’t. It’s been this way for longer than he can remember, and it troubles him. He’ll look at it after he finds her, after he snuffs the life out of everything around her. He knows the man the big bastard mentioned was in charge, Schroeder, will pursue him, and that’s fine. Let them come. Not a bad paragraph, but this seems like it'd be more appropriate for the back cover than a query letter.

THE CULLING, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words. It is set in a world where mankind was driven to near extinction over the course of a generation. The small population that survived has tried to rebuild in the century since the last of the great generation died, but the efforts are complicated when a population hiding in the southern wilderness, remnants of radical hate groups that quarantined themselves when the culling began two centuries ago, emerge from the forests deformed and driven mad by excessive inbreeding. They’re in need of women outside their gene pool, and will take them by force if necessary.

OK, this doesn't seem like a query letter. It's like reading a story. Like you just took a few paragraphs from the novel and threw them together. Try describing the world of the story a little bit (your third paragraph might be a better lead paragraph), then describe the characters and what the stakes are. What's the start of the story? (I'm assuming it's a guy clearing a path through hell to find his daughter?) Good luck!

[mirror-egami]

OK, this doesn't seem like a query letter. It's like reading a story. Like you just took a few paragraphs from the novel and threw them together. Try describing the world of the story a little bit (your third paragraph might be a better lead paragraph), then describe the characters and what the stakes are. What's the start of the story? (I'm assuming it's a guy clearing a path through hell to find his daughter?) Good luck!

I wrestled with when to include the third paragraph details. While the setting is important, and explains what "strays" are, slang used at that time for a group of people, why we're talking about colonies in the deep South, it's not the story. It's a backdrop. I've read that you have only the first few lines of a query to highlight the main conflict, and as you've guessed, it's Warren burning, cutting and clawing his way through whatever is in front of him to find his daughter. However, that's not an argument against your advice at all, it's just a little insight into the confusing whirlpool I found myself caught in when writing the query.

Thankfully, it's not a few paragraphs from the novel. It really is my misguided attempt to generate a hook just tempting enough to get them to read the first five pages. Hopefully they'll ask for more once they have. I'll try again, but tomorrow.

[mirror-egami]

The latest attempt, also in the opening post under REVISION.

Unable to reproduce, mankind is driven to near extinction over the course of a generation. The small population that remains tries to rebuild, but after a century their efforts are complicated when strays, a population hiding in the southern wilderness, remnants of radical hate groups and militias, emerge from the forests deformed and driven mad by excessive inbreeding. They’re in need of women that can bear them children, and will take them by force if necessary to fulfill their commandment of “be fruitful and multiply.”

When the strays take Warren Pierce’s daughter Katey, he leaves the safety of civilization behind on a quest to bring her home. Unfortunately few people, if any, know exactly where the strays are camped. While following a lead that brings him to an outlaw colony, Warren confronts and kills two men that work for a rogue governor, Calvin Schroeder. Warren knows Schroeder will send men to pursue him, and that’s fine. Let them come.

Schroeder is dealing with troubles beyond Warren leaving a trail of bodies behind him. An old “friend”, Isaiah, informs him that the strays are giving up their camps and wish to settle in his colony, Memphis. The idea of an army of deranged child-men walking the streets of his fledgling colony drives him to desperation. If he allows them to settle, his people will revolt. If he refuses, they will lay waste to his colony.

Warren is unaware how important Schroeder’s long shot solution is to finding his daughter.

THE CULLING, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words.

[Yoshima]

Hey there, mirror-egami! I haven't read your previous version so I'm coming in with fresh newbie eyes.

The latest attempt, also in the opening post under REVISION.

Unable to reproduce, mankind is driven to near extinction over the course of a generation (...how exactly aren't people able to reproduce anymore? Was there a mass castration or something? A virus?). The small population that remains tries to rebuild, but after a century their efforts are complicated when strays, a population hiding in the southern wilderness, remnants of radical hate groups and militias (this is the more important part), emerge from the forests deformed and driven mad by excessive inbreeding (I thought mankind couldn't reproduce anymore. Now I'm kind of confuzzled.). They’re in need of women that can bear them children, and will take them by force if necessary to fulfill their commandment of “be fruitful and multiply.” (Again, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to imagine happened to make mankind unable to reproduce earlier, since things seem to be going just fine in that department later. I think just a few words, nothing big, to tell us what happened would help.)

When the strays (should strays be capitalized?) take Warren Pierce’s daughter Katey, he leaves the safety of civilization behind on a quest to bring her home. Unfortunately few people, if any, know exactly where the strays are camped. While following a lead that brings him to an outlaw colony, Warren confronts and kills two men that work for a rogue (the outlaw colony's?) governor, Calvin Schroeder. Warren knows Schroeder will send men to pursue him, and that’s fine. Let them come. (I really like this paragraph and how you ended it, but to tell you the truth with all that backstory at the beginning I was thinking the book would be more of a survival novel, not so much a suspense (which is what it is, right?). So when I read about Warren, I was kind of puzzled. However, maybe consider weaving Warren into that backstory. Maybe after your bit about the strays, explain how there's normal people, too, and one of them is Warren etc, etc. I think that will help the transition feel less abrupt.)

Schroeder is dealing with troubles beyond Warren leaving a trail of bodies behind him. An old “friend”, Isaiah, informs him that the strays are giving up their camps and wish to settle in his colony, Memphis. The idea of an army of deranged child-men walking the streets of his fledgling colony drives him to desperation. If he allows them to settle, his people will revolt. If he refuses, they will lay waste to his colony. (I don't think knownig Isaiah's name is necessary at this point.)

Warren is unaware how important Schroeder’s long shot solution is to finding his daughter. (Hmm. Mentioning Schroeder's situation in such detail makes me wonder who the MC is, as well as what's the main plot arc. Is it Warren finding his daughter or Schroeder protecting his colony from destruction? While I'm sure both are extremely important, I think focusing on one or the either in a query would help make your story feel more cohesive. I read somewhere (and of course can't for the life of me remember where) that if the plot in the query seems unclear, the agent will wonder if your book is the same way (and I'm sure yours isn't). That said, I really do like the premise and the character of Warren. Right now I'm picturing him like Liam Neeson in TAKEN, who was a total badass. And who doesn't love a bunch of inbred mutants running around causing havoc? ;) Good luck in your revisions!)

THE CULLING, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words.

[Krista G.]

Unable to reproduce (Why?), mankind is driven to near extinction over the course of a generation. The small population that remains tries to rebuild, but after a century their efforts are complicated when strays, a population hiding in the southern wilderness, remnants of radical hate groups and militias, emerge from the forests deformed and driven mad by excessive inbreeding. They’re in need of women that can bear them children, and will take them by force if necessary to fulfill their commandment of “be fruitful and multiply.” This paragraph confuses me. At first, we learn mankind is incapable of reproducing, but by the end of it, we discover some people have been inbreeding and are now looking for new, er, genes. So which is it? Aside from that contradiction, though, it's an interesting setup.

When the strays take Warren Pierce’s daughter Katey, he leaves the safety of civilization behind on a quest to bring her home. The tone of the previous paragraph seems to imply nowhere's safe, so this sentence baffles me a bit. Unfortunately few people, if any, know exactly where the strays are camped. While following a lead that brings him to an outlaw colony, Warren confronts and kills two men that work for a rogue governor, Calvin Schroeder. Warren knows Schroeder will send men to pursue him, and that’s fine. Let them come.

Schroeder is dealing with troubles beyond Warren leaving a trail of bodies behind him. An old “friend”, Isaiah, informs him that the strays are giving up their camps and wish to settle in his colony, Memphis. The idea of an army of deranged child-men walking the streets of his fledgling colony drives him to desperation. If he allows them to settle, his people will revolt. If he refuses, they will lay waste to his colony. The sudden jump to Schroeder's perspective in this paragraph is off-putting. I don't see how this storyline connects to Warren's, so my brain just tunes it out.

Warren is unaware how important Schroeder’s long shot solution is to finding his daughter. I like the idea behind this line (tying the two story arcs together, giving us a cliffhanger to end on), but it's a little too clunky to be effective. Also, since I don't really understand what's going on with Schroeder, this tie-in is meaningless.

THE CULLING, a work of commercial fiction, is complete at 90,000 words. This is just my opinion, but I'd like a little clearer idea of the genre than that. Something like "post-apocalyptic thriller" or "futuristic sci-fi thriller."

On the whole, this is an intriguing idea - you just need to package it a little differently. You could probably get away with not even mentioning Schroeder's agenda, but if you decide to keep it, the connection between him and Warren needs to be more concrete.