Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over

[Dankrubis]

Hmm. Yeah that's complicated. Maybe try a query without mentioning the love triangle. Instead, you can cliffhang it-

Jakorus is shown what he must do to prevent the rebellion from blossoming into open war; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to correct the timeline. Some instructions- he doesn't intend to follow. Dun dun dunnnnnnn.

If you do decide to go more along these lines, I'd still mention Larissa, just not in too much detail. Maybe just how he falls in love in the future or something?

[christi]

That's a swell idea, Dankrubis. I'll have to mull that over tomorrow. For now, it's beddybye time. Thanks so much!

[TheShadow]

Personally I found it very helpful whenever someone showed me how they would change/reword my query...

Wow. When someone rewords my writing, I violently spasm.

I like different perspectives, it opens doors that I hadn't seen before. To each thier own, I guess.

Christi, don't think you're annoying anyone, you're not. This is the purpose of these forums.

Also, about the love triangle part, I liked it, but that can be the problem... so many different opinions. As I told you it was a jolting contrast (in a good way, imo) to what had already been said. What you want to do with it is up to you, but whatever you do don't overcomplicate it in the query. You have come a long way so far, and I think you are close.

[christi]

Alrighty, insteady of posting the whole thing again and again, I'm going to focus on the love triangle part. I'm content with the rest of it, I think, but am open to suggestions if there's still something amiss with it.

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Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

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Short and sweet? I think that is about the only way to summarize it one line. Any attempt I make to flush it out, and it raises more questions than it answers.

[JustineDell]

[quote="christi"]

Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

quote]

I like this. It's a piece of info that perks my interest, but doesn't go into the details that seem confusing.

[Tycoon]

Wow, I think this hook is a great place to start. Okay trying to forget everything I have read and pretending this is the only line I have ever seen, I offer this only as a suggestion.

Alrighty, insteady of posting the whole thing again and again, I'm going to focus on the love triangle part. I'm content with the rest of it, I think, but am open to suggestions if there's still something amiss with it.

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Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus, a young immortal, also has his own agenda after traveling through time: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. In the Twenty-years into the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

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Short and sweet? I think that is about the only way to summarize it one line. Any attempt I make to flush it out, and it raises more questions than it answers.

[christi]

So, me again. I keep staring at this thing and trying to figure out how to make it 'punchier.'

I've worked a bit with these two paragraphs. Let me know if this sounds better or worse:

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Jakorus is shown what he must do to prevent the rebellion from blossoming into open war; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the immoral choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline.

Returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people, Jakorus has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.
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[Ghost in the Machine]

The new paragraphs sound good. You could lose the word "open" before war for better flow.

I also like the way you all resolved the love-triangle problem. Very cool.

Ghost in the Machine

[charity_bradford]

Ok, I tried to piece together where your query is at now to look at it. :) Looks like you have some great advice already, but here's my 2cents.

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz, I actually wish you could leave this, I think the agent would get a kick out of it. Or at least some of them would. Too bad, eh?

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

Civil war is brewing on the secret You use secret again in the next sentence. island of Cybraxas. For centuries mythical creatures have secretly co-existed and hidden among humans, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns Jakorus against the seductive power of manipulating destiny. Altering the outcome of events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created I don't think this is important for the query and it will tighten the sentence., but all efforts make things worse.

Jakorus is shown what he must do to prevent the rebellion from blossoming into open war; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the immoral choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline.

Returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people, Jakorus has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is my YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think you are definitely on the right track and the story sounds fascinating. I like how you end with "it stands alone...but..." and may borrow that phrase for mine.

[christi]

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

The island of Cybraxas teeters at the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centuries, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns Jakorus against the seductive power of manipulating destiny. Altering the outcome of events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse. To prevent the rebellion from blossoming into civil war, Jakorus learns of innocents he will murder, friends he’ll be required to betray, and the immoral choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline.

Returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people, Jakorus has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is a YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

The Stalker Waiting for You in the Backseat of Your Car
P.S. I found your lost Yanni CD under the driver's seat

You've all been fabulous. Thanks so much!!!

[Yoshima]

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault. (Now that's what I'm talkin' about!! ;) )

The island of Cybraxas teeters at the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centuries, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food. (Love that.)

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns Jakorus against the seductive power of manipulating destiny. Altering the outcome of events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse. To prevent the rebellion from blossoming into civil war, Jakorus learns of innocents he will murder, friends he’ll be required to betray, and the immoral choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. (Just a thought: "haggard and worn beyond his years" isn't super necessary, but keep if you like, and maybe move "required" to the murder bit; being required to murder someone is more important than mere betrayal, me thinks.)

Returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people, Jakorus has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is a YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

The Stalker Waiting for You in the Backseat of Your Car
P.S. I found your lost Yanni CD under the driver's seat

I smell a final draft comin' on! :)

[christi]

YAY! Thanks Yoshima! And thanks again to everyone for your awesome help. Now I'll be sending out my manuscript to each of you to fine tune for me, okay? *HUGSANDSMOOCHIESANDALLTHATJAZZ*

[Tycoon]

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s (all) his fault.

The island of Cybraxas teeters at on the brink of civil war. Mythical creatures have secretly co-existed with humans for centuries, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.

His older self, haggard and worn decrepit beyond his years, warns Jakorus against the seductive power of manipulating destiny. Altering the outcome of events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse. To prevent the rebellion from blossoming into civil war, Jakorus learns of innocents he will murder, friends he’ll be required to betray, and the immoral choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline.

Returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people, Jakorus has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history has ever witnessed. In the future there are two of him, and they both love the same girl.

Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is a YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

The Stalker Waiting for You in the Backseat of Your Car
P.S. I found your lost Yanni CD under the driver's seat

You've all been fabulous. Thanks so much!!!

I made minor suggestions... but all in all I think the query is wonderful

I am looking forward to seeing the QUERY SHARKS comment on your next post

[TheShadow]

Wow, I like it! I couldn't find anything I would change about it. Good job and good luck!

[JustineDell]

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!!!!! I like it as is, or you could make a few tweaks to a few words some people mentioned...but it's good.

~JD