Query Time Tourism again, just when you thought it was over

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JustineDell
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Re: Query Time Tourism Revised Fifth Time (please don't hate me)

Post by JustineDell » February 3rd, 2010, 1:36 pm

christi wrote: Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: the world has changed, and it’s his fault. His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns him about the dangers of trying to change what has happened in their world. Altering events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse. Dun...dun...dun...good plot builder.

Civil war is brewing on the island of Cybraxas, and each endeavor to thwart it has only led to more death and destruction. He is shown the vile things he has to do; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people. I think this sounds better since you took the other characters out. It makes it more Jakorus's story, which helps me understand him better. I'm sure the other characters where important, but I think the query reads fine without them.

Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. He loves a girl who loves his older self, and he refuses to share her when another twenty years pass and the time loop inevitably brings another young Jakorus from the past. I like the love triangle you've got buildilng here. I'm certain it's an interesting twist to your story and now it makes more sense. I understand why you don't want to say that Jakorus would die to prevent it, but I think maybe it add that extra UMPH that pulls me (personally) more into the conflict.

TIME TOURISM is my completed YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It can stand alone as a single book, but it is meant to be the first in a series. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Someone who can't explain her book well enough to sell it This had me laughing...I totally feel the same way.
K, so...heres my thought. I don't read YA fantasy and I've had a hard time helping queries on the forum that are for the genre because they were so out there (for me). Your story however, I was able to read the query and actually understand the story without getting bogged down with all those weird names and places. Good job on that! I think this is on the verge of completion...I do declare ;-)

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Query Time Tourism Revised Umteeth Time

Post by christi » February 3rd, 2010, 2:44 pm

Dear Agent Who Wishes I'd Stop Wasting Your Time,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: the world has changed, and it’s his fault. His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns him about the dangers of trying to change what has happened in their world. Altering events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse.

Civil war is brewing on the island of Cybraxas, and each endeavor to thwart it has only led to more death and destruction. He is shown the vile things he has to do; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people.

Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. He and his older self love the same girl, Larissa, and while he trains for the hard road ahead of him, Jakorus and Larissa secretly plot how they can be together again in the future.

TIME TOURISM is my completed YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It can stand alone as a single book, but it is meant to be the first in a series. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Someone who is about to chuck it all and become a door-to-door Spam salesperson

Okay, I fixed the third paragraph again for one good reason: it made it sound like he was going to age 20 years in the same book, and he doesn't. This book is one year 'in the life and times of Jak' so to speak. If the book is published and I'm allowed to do a series, THEN we'll get to see if things work out for him. This first book (which can stand alone, i SWEAR) is about being a kid with a lot of pressure thrust on his shoulders and falling in love). The 'agenda' is a background plot to the main story.
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Re: Query Time Tourism Revised Umteeth Time

Post by TheShadow » February 3rd, 2010, 8:27 pm

Here is a stab at your query. I read briefly through some of the above, but I will focus on what you have here.
christi wrote:Dear Agent Who Wishes I'd Stop Wasting Your Time,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: the world has changed, What world? It makes me wonder what the time frame is, and I can only assume it's in the futureand it’s his fault. His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns him about the dangers of trying to change what has happened in their world. Altering events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse.This is an interesting concept, though it's not unfamiliar to me as I've seen it in sci-fi before. What follows needs to really make it stand out from all of the time travel stories out there.

Civil war is brewing on the island of Cybraxas,Again I don't know where this is/the time frame and it leaves me wondering and each endeavor to thwart it has only led to more death and destruction. He is shown the vile things he has to do; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own timeMaybe it's just me, but what time?? with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people.

You show some of the conflict and stakes here but it leaves me wanting. I know civil wars can be gruesome but i'm not connecting with it. I think you have room in your query so that you can flesh this part out a bit. I will give an example, but you must word it as only you know exactly whats going on in your book:

Jakorus is shown the vile things he must do in order to return to his own timeline. There are innocents he is to murder, friends he is to betray, and all of the wrong choices which will lead again to the civil war that he can't prevent. Returned to his own time,...
I may be totally reading it wrong, if so ignore me.


Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. He and his older self love the same girl, Larissa, and while he trains for the hard road ahead of him, Jakorus and Larissa secretly plot how they can be together again in the future.I do like this twist to the story. It's strange and such a contrast to the above.

TIME TOURISM is my completed YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It can stand alone as a single book, but it is meant to be the first in a series. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Someone who is about to chuck it all and become a door-to-door Spam salesperson

Okay, I fixed the third paragraph again for one good reason: it made it sound like he was going to age 20 years in the same book, and he doesn't. This book is one year 'in the life and times of Jak' so to speak. If the book is published and I'm allowed to do a series, THEN we'll get to see if things work out for him. This first book (which can stand alone, i SWEAR) is about being a kid with a lot of pressure thrust on his shoulders and falling in love). The 'agenda' is a background plot to the main story.
Hope this helps. I think you have room to expand the query some which can show more in the 2nd paragraph. Obviously, I am no expert, so take this only as suggestion.
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Query Time Tourism another revision. Probably not the last

Post by christi » February 3rd, 2010, 9:07 pm

okay, whoops. look further down for edit.
Last edited by christi on February 3rd, 2010, 9:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Query Time Tourism Edited Again and again and again...

Post by christi » February 3rd, 2010, 9:47 pm

Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns against the seductive power of manipulating his own destiny. Altering events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse.

Civil war is brewing on the secret island of Cybraxas. For centuries mythical creatures have secretly co-existed and hidden among humans, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.

Jakorus is shown the vile things he has to do; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people.

Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. He and his older self love the same girl, Larissa, and while he trains for the perilous road ahead of him, Jakorus and Larissa secretly plot how they can be together again in the future.

Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is my completed YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Someone who would never make it in the advertising business


Thanks so much Shadow! Your suggestions were great, as were everyone else's. Big big help. Of course, feel free to continue to point out where I'm lacking. Total thick skin here.
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again and again and again...

Post by TheShadow » February 3rd, 2010, 11:23 pm

christi wrote:Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.The hook is good and makes me want to read more

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns against the seductive power of manipulating his own destiny. Altering events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse.This is good and should lead directly into the conflict/choices/consequences

Civil war is brewing on the secret island of Cybraxas. For centuries mythical creatures have secretly co-existed and hidden among humans, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.This is where, again, you lose me a little. The civil war seems important to your story as you want to leave it in, but I am beginning to wonder if it's necessary to be in the query at all. This is only my opinion, but I would leave this out and move to the next paragraph.

Jakorus is shown the vile things he has to do; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people.With the previous paragraph gone you can add to this some.
Jakorus is shown the vile things he must do
here i would say WHY he must do it. What are the consequences?
... Innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline.
He is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what her must do to save his people -
You could even enclude here some brief details about these instructions. I'm guessing from what I have read (am I wrong?): Stop a Civil War? Stop the rebellious faction who want to overturn the 'no human eating' law? And/or stop his own misguided timetraveling?

Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. He and his older self love the same girl, Larissa, and while he trains for the perilous road ahead of him, Jakorus and Larissa secretly plot how they can be together again in the future.I still like this part =)

Set in modern dayOh, so it's set in modern day? Now you tell me!, TIME TOURISM is my completed YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Someone who would never make it in the advertising business


Thanks so much Shadow! Your suggestions were great, as were everyone else's. Big big help. Of course, feel free to continue to point out where I'm lacking. Total thick skin here.
Again, I hope this helps. I am trying to focus the choices and conflict you have going on while trimming what seems like information that isn't really needed.
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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again and again and again...

Post by Dankrubis » February 3rd, 2010, 11:36 pm

I'd like to preface this- I've noticed you've revised this a lot, usually every time you get a response. Remember that not all critiques are equal. If someone suggests something you don't agree with, you don't have to change it (unless that someone is me :)) (Extra parenthesis! I'm not saying anyone's advice is bad, as I haven't read any prior critiques, I'm just sayin').
christi wrote:Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault. Better intro.

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, I like the added description of the older self. warns against the seductive power of manipulating his own destiny. Altering events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse.

Civil war is brewing on the secret island of Cybraxas. For centuries mythical creatures have secretly co-existed and hidden among humans, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food. This is a cute paragraph and I like, but structurally it's throwing me off. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the query. Is this from another story entirely? Accident? If not, we need the connection between this and Jakorus.

Jakorus is shown the vile things he has to do; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people.

Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also ax 'also' has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. He and his older self love the same girl, Larissa, and while he trains for the perilous road ahead of him, Jakorus and Larissa secretly plot how they can be together again in the future. Heh, okay I'm hella confused about the love triangle. Like, why would young Jakorus need to plot with Larissa so they can be together again in the future if she's with older Jakorus in the future? I need a better description of the love triangle and the issues involved.

Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is my completed 'my completed' is redundant since it's generally known that queries shouldn't be sent out unless the work of fiction is completed.YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. And I stand corrected on this! I was about to tell you to ax this line again, but I found Nathan's post on it and you've said exactly what he suggests. Good stuff. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best Regards,

Someone who would never make it in the advertising business


Thanks so much Shadow! Your suggestions were great, as were everyone else's. Big big help. Of course, feel free to continue to point out where I'm lacking. Total thick skin here.
Here's my major problem with this- I still don't have a firm grasp on what your story is, which is what you need to sell to the agent. I'm gonna try and piece it together from what I've read - Jakorus travels to the future and meets his future self. He doesn't like how his future self has turned out, but his future self is all like "Don't try to change nothing, young whipper-snapper!" Then he... does end up changing stuff? By going back into the past and doing a bunch of stuff he doesn't like? To make things normal? Also, he tries to change some aspect of a love triangle, which actually isn't a love triangle, which actually is. OK, now as you read my brief description, I'm sure you were shaking your head and saying "No, it doesn't go like that, it goes like this. Tell us the missing this parts. I want to know exactly what Jakorus's job is, and what's stopping him from doing said job.

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Another edit. I want it to flow perfectly, so sorry for tena

Post by christi » February 4th, 2010, 12:03 am

OKAY. I'm kicking myself for having the most confusing love triangle EVER. There's no way to sum it up that I can think of that is short and sweet for an agent. Here's how it goes: Jakorus goes forward in time, he meets his older self. He meets and falls in love with girl. Girl falls in love with him. His older self loved her before when HE was YOUNG (since he ALSO came forward in time when he was 17 and met her, but is now the OLD Jak) and loves her still, but they aren't together. THEN She decides she loves him, too, since they are the same person, just a different age. Realizing he'll go back in time and she won't be born yet, they know they won't be together because another YOUNG Jak is going to come and probably sweep her off her feet once she's 17, so they try to find a way to stop the time loop so no other Jak is coming OR they plot to kill the other one but I'M NOT TELLING :-) So, Jak loves girl who loves both Jaks, and they want to figure out how to make there just be one Jak since the loop keeps sending a Jak into the future where Larissa is. Please, I'm begging you, if anyone can summarize that up clearly and in three sentences, I'll love you forever.

As for the rest of it, I sort of need all of it, so I tried rearranging the paragraphs and adding extra words here and there to make it flow better. By all means, I'll totally understand if everyone is sick of me.


Dear Great and Noble Agent of Oz,

Hurled into the future twenty years, young Jakorus is confronted with a horrifying truth: his world has changed, and it’s his fault.

Civil war is brewing on the secret island of Cybraxas. For centuries mythical creatures have secretly co-existed and hidden among humans, but maintaining an illusion of peace becomes increasingly difficult when a rebellious faction wishes to overturn their most strictly enforced law: Humans are not food.

His older self, haggard and worn beyond his years, warns Jakorus against the seductive power of manipulating destiny. Altering the outcome of events has been repeatedly attempted by previous Jakorus’ trapped in the time loop that was created, but all efforts make things worse.

Jakorus is shown what he must do to prevent the rebellion from blossoming into open war; innocents he is to murder, friends he is required to betray, and the wrong choices that he must repeat in order to restore the original timeline. Jakorus is returned to his own time with strict instructions of what must be done to save his people.

Against all advice and fierce pressure, Jakorus also has his own agenda: to prevent one of the most unusual love triangles in history. He and his older self love the same girl, Larissa, and while he trains for the perilous road ahead of him, Jakorus and Larissa secretly plot how they can be together again in the future.

Set in modern day, TIME TOURISM is my YA fantasy novel of approximately 125,000 words. It stands alone as a single book, but has series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

Post by TheShadow » February 4th, 2010, 12:07 am

I meant to say something similar to what Dankrubis said in his preface. You are going to get a lot of opinions here, but it doesnt mean you have to use them all and change your query with each one. Personally I found it very helpful whenever someone showed me how they would change/reword my query, but I didn't always use the same wording, or use it at all. It gives perspective as to how it could be different, but it doesnt mean every suggestion should be used exactly as you see it.

Hope this helps.
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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

Post by Dankrubis » February 4th, 2010, 12:16 am

TheShadow wrote:Personally I found it very helpful whenever someone showed me how they would change/reword my query...
Wow. When someone rewords my writing, I violently spasm.

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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

Post by christi » February 4th, 2010, 12:18 am

Thanks Dankrubis and Shadow. I'm using my own words to describe the story, but with each critique I'm all *HEADSLAP* 'why didn't I see how lame that was?' So I go back and fix it, sometimes with suggestions and sometimes just scrapping a paragraph and rewriting it. I'm homebound from surgery and have nothing better to do than sit here and help others with their queries and work on mine, so sorry if my repeated posts are annoying. I'm really trying to not be. I really, really appreciate all the help I'm getting, seriously. You guys have been great.
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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

Post by HaydnsGabe » February 4th, 2010, 12:28 am

Don't headslap, Christi! The query letter is getting better and better, because you're taking the time to do this! We all get blind about our own work!

As for the query itself, you've already revised it so much that I don't have too much more to add, but I will say this. Check for passive voice. I think sometimes people get lost because you have a lot of "is" and "has" and that makes the writing less precise. Try to use active verbs, even in the query. That may also clean up some of the trouble you're having making connections between the characters and the action.

Hope that helps! If you want an example of what I'm talking about, let me know.

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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

Post by HaydnsGabe » February 4th, 2010, 12:29 am

Oh, and I don't know your genre AT ALL, but is 125k the norm for a YA fantasy? Just checking.

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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

Post by Dankrubis » February 4th, 2010, 12:30 am

OK, the love triangle. I'm still confused.

Why aren't the older Jakorus and Larissa together? I mean, why plot how to be together again in the future when his past self can just say, "Hey, that guy over there is me. Date him." Bam, Jak and Larissa are together.

Or does the young Jak not want to wait to be with her? Is that it? The younger bodies want to be together?

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Re: Query Time Tourism Edited Again (please don't hate me)

Post by christi » February 4th, 2010, 12:40 am

DAMN ME. I can't explain anything.

Basically, young Jak and Larissa are trying to figure out how to stop the time loop so when he is older and she is younger than him but not TOO young, there won't be a new Jak coming to their future from the past. They want there to be only one Jak. They are not supposed to stop the time loop because it is a safety net of sorts: if he fails to correct the world, then it won't matter because a new one shows up and it's a cosmic do-over and the NEXT Jak fixes the world. But Jak and Larissa are defying the old guys and trying to solve the loop. I know, it's just... gah. It works out great in the story, I SWEAR.
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